Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
COLE
My shoulder protests as I flip over on my back again. There’s a metric ton of grit in my eyes. My mood is grittier.
I need to sleep. I need…
A do-over. No, maybe a new start would be better.
The silence in the house is deafening, but I can sense Sierra just down the hall. Thirty steps from me, to be exact.
Dangerously close.
There was no way in hell I could sleep with her in the same bed.
First, I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping and she needs rest desperately.
Second, I’m already behaving like a fucking idiot. Getting in bed together would only make this situation worse.
With a growl in my throat, I mound up the pillow and shove my face into it. Longest night ever.
No, that’s wrong. I’ve had longer nights when it comes to my past with Sierra.
Guilt is one emotion that I’m familiar with. Even misplaced guilt. Which is not what I have now.
This is straight up guilt. For misleading her. The rational part of me knows it’s for her own good. Temporarily. I still feel like a fucking heel.
“Aargh!” I bellow into the pillow.
Sierra deserves to know everything—the whole ugly truth of what drove us apart.
But it will hurt and hurt badly.
She’s fragile right now. The last thing she needs is to hear that story. Anyone that got blindsided by that could pop an aneurysm.
Can’t do it. She gets peace while she can. Even if the guilt breaks me.
I shove the tangled blanket off my legs and stand up. The floor is cool beneath my bare feet as I pace to the window. The storm has arrived. Snow’s falling in fat flakes, coating the grass and trees now.
When I check my watch, I confirm my suspicion. Three a.m. Regardless, I stride to the dresser to grab my phone. This is not a good time to operate in a vacuum.
Cade answers with a crisp, “Slaughter here.” It’s zero five-hundred hours in Virginia.
“We made it,” I say as I faceplant back onto the bed. “You probably figured that since you hadn’t gotten a distress call already.”
“You just caught me as I was getting ready for a run. Flight okay?”
“Uncomfortable as fuck.” I stretch a kink out of my back, roll over and sprawl my legs out. After I try to get comfortable and fail, I scrub my hand over my face.
Cade asks, “Shouldn’t you be sleeping? It’s early there.”
“Should be. Sierra is, I think. At least I haven’t heard her up. I tucked her in my guest room and ran before I did something that made this even more difficult.”
“You’re going on twenty-four without sleep. You’ve got to be tired. Can you rack out for a while before she gets up?”
“Not even close. My brain is spinning. I’ve hit the wired-second-wind phase of the operation.”
He chuckles. “Copy that. I know that feeling. Not that I know what it’s like to be in your shoes, big guy. But since you’re not going to sleep, you might as well tell me how things are between you two.”
Cade and Sierra have known each other for years through the Air Force. That’s how he and I met—through her—so he’s seen our story up close. Only when Sierra and I split, he and I stayed in touch.
He’s been a steady voice of reason. So I let loose of what’s bothering me. “I kissed her, Cade. Fucking hell. Not only did I do that, I grabbed her like she didn’t have enough shit going on.”
“Ah… um, not sure what to say to that, brother.”
“Thanks,” I mutter. “I see you’re going to be a lot of help.”
“I’m good at flying planes. Counseling not so much.”
I huff out a tired sounding breath. “Don’t quit your day job, but since you bring up flying, I should tell you that Sierra recalled some things about aircraft.”
“Interesting. Care to elaborate?”
“Slaughter, you know I’m not a pilot.”
He laughs briefly. “What did she say?”
“Nothing technical. Just that she remembered some things about how flying works, and some math formulas. But, man, that’s not what has me tossing and turning like I’ve got ants in my sheets. She had a weird moment when we got here to the house.”
“A memory?”
“No, she’s never been here. It was a feeling. Not a good one from the way she reacted.”
He makes a sympathetic sound. “This has got to be really hard for her. I’m sure something about you is familiar.”
Something. Maybe my cock. I don’t elaborate on that musing. But I do say, “She lit up when I kissed her.”
“TMI, brother.”
“It’s the weirdest thing, Cade. She and I have been on a see-saw, up and down, with this weird chemistry. One minute we’re hot as fuck, the next minute one of us is getting in our head. We had a tense conversation on the drive from the airport to Eden and Sierra asked how long we’d been engaged.”
Cade whistles. “Damn. I was afraid she’d ask and I wondered if you had a plan.”
My stomach starts pumping acid all over again, just like when I was death-gripping the steering wheel. “I hedged, but she could tell something was wrong. I used the word complicated. She didn’t like that. I barely succeeded in delaying the conversation.”
“Sorry man, I know this is awkward as fuck. Are you going to tell her you’re not really engaged now that you’re home?”
Fisting my hair with one hand, I stare up into the murky darkness at the outline of the fan against the ceiling.
This FUCKING sucks. After a minute, I grumble, “I don’t know. It could cause problems. She’s going to want to leave.”
“I agree that waiting could be better for her physically. She doesn’t need to be alone. But I can imagine she’s going to go crazy if she finds out you weren’t even seeing each other any longer.”
Sierra will come unglued.
Cade sighs and his running shoes squeak on the floor. He’s pacing. I’ve seen him do it while he talks on the phone.
He says, “Maybe the police will find out something else, and everything will make more sense. If she’s in danger, maybe she won’t be so quick to leave, even if you tell her the rest.”
The acid in my stomach turns into a knife. “You’re crazy if you think that just because she’s in danger, she’s going to forgive me for the way things went down.”
His pacing slows. “I don’t know. But I know this is difficult and this is between you and her, so it’s gotta be your call.”
Ruminating on this whole nightmare feels like chewing on broken glass.
I swing my legs over and sit up on the edge of the bed.
“It’s her first time here. The first time with her under my roof.
We didn’t date long enough before. We’d made loose plans to visit Utah, but deployments got in the way.
You know me, I’m not a man that really daydreams of the future, but I did think about her being here on a permanent basis. ”
My thoughts back then also involved lots of visions of her in my custom-built king-sized bed. Curled against me late in the night. Warmly tucked in together as storms howl over the mountains.
“Makes this even harder,” he mutters.
“It does.” I shift to rest my forehead in my palm. “Cade, she never wanted to see me again. When I tell her that part of our story things are going to change irreparably.”
Cade uses a cautious tone. “You’re right. But maybe there’s a future for you. You’ve obviously proven that you’ll do anything for her.”
An ache grows in my throat, causing me to swallow convulsively. “I only wanted what was best for her. Even if she could never see that.”
“I know that. I’ve known that all along. You did the right thing.”
A whisper of thought crosses through my mind.
What if she doesn’t ever remember?
Could she ever grow to love me?
After a long pause, he drags me back to the call. “Cole, are you still there?”
“Rabbit holes man. Between those and the landmines, there’s nowhere left to walk.”
“Wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.”
I find myself at the window again, watching the wind move the tree branches back and forth. “The kicker is, I am over the moon that Sierra is here. Just being with her… it makes me feel alive. That’s fucked, isn’t it?”
“Nope. That’s love.”
Love.
The ache in my throat drops to the center of my chest. I have a hard time speaking past the pain. “I need to go.”
“Get some sleep, Cole. Things will be clearer once you’ve had some rest.”
“We’ll see. Catch you another time. Thanks, man.” I disconnect as I stare sightlessly into the snowy night.
Things will be clearer.
Tell that to someone else. I already know that there’s no clear path for a man that’s in love with a woman that hated him, that he’s pretending to be engaged to. Not when one memory or one uttered truth will slice his soul to shreds. Again.