ANNA
I don’t want him.
And I definitely don’t want to…kiss him. Well, maybe—no. I have no desire to do that. Last night was a lapse of judgment. I was exhausted and not thinking clearly when I let him put his lips on me.
It definitely had nothing to do with how he smelled, how he felt against me, how the heat of his body set me on fire, how he sounded both restless and desperate for me.
I glance at the calendar in front of me and the pen in my hand. I opened it almost ten minutes ago and didn’t realize I had zoned out until now. Knowing I don’t have the energy to fill it in now, I shove it away and pick up my cup.
“Yeah, I’m—” I break off at the sound of the door clanking shut. “Thanks for the drink. I’m fine. Go.” I shove her away, flashing her a smile as she looks over her shoulder at me.
I know she doesn’t buy it, but I don’t want to talk about Sylas.
She’s only taken a step backward when I hear a familiar voice drawing near. I’m sidestepping Em, but she’s already in the back room.
My daughter happily skips in with my best friend and sister in tow. I’m not too shocked Maya and Rosie are here, although they usually appear later in the day. What shocks me is seeing Jenny. Last I knew, she didn’t have any PTO left.
I know she was dumbstruck when I told her I was moving in with Sylas.
Clementine had offered her place, but she lives in a studio. There is no way we’d all fit, and while she stated several times she didn’t care, Rosie would have caused havoc at her place. I know how much she loves her, but sometimes even I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by the mess and noise.
“What are you doing here?” I gape at her and crouch to pick up Rosie.
“Mama, mira.” Rosie jumps into my arms, and a giddy smile stretches wide on her face as she holds up a clover and yellow dandelion.
“Que bonito. Tienes una flor?” I sniff it as she brings it to my nose, which is something I taught her to do. We’re still working on her not ripping out flowers from places she shouldn’t.
“Si.” She bears a toothy grin and squirms against me, letting me know she wants down. “Ya, quiero bajo. Down.”
“Okay, but behave and stay here,” I warn her, setting her down and looking up at three pairs of expectant eyes. “Uh, Jenny, this is Maya, my sister, and Maya, this is Jenny, my best friend. The girl I lived with in New York when I was at KYU,” I introduce them.
We may have lived together for four years, but they never met. Maya awkwardly waves at her, I’m sure feeling uncertain about how she’s going to treat her.
The thing about Jenny is, she’s a sweetheart. She has a hard time staying angry and an even harder time holding grudges. While she’d been mad at Maya on my behalf, once I told her she was back, she was happy for me. She said it was good that we were talking again.
“Hi,” my best friend says, and her eyes rake over Maya’s figure. “Like wow, good genes run strong in your family, huh? You’re carbon copies of each other, except your hair is curly?”
“Oh, yeah.” She touches her hair. “I got this from our mom’s side. They all have curly hair.”
“I love your hair. I wish mine was curly.” Em scrunches her nose, running her palm over her straight locks.
“It’s a pain in the ass to maintain, and don’t get me started on all the products I have to use.”
“But talk about volume,” Jenny says in awe. “I’d kill to have that.”
“And—wait, I love your hair, I really do, but let’s talk about it later?” Em starts apologetically but darts her attention to me. “I assume you’re all here to talk about Sylas and Anna? I know you’re both nosy bitches, as am I.”
“What are you doing here? Don’t you have work?” I ask Jenny, ignoring what Em said. “And you, why are you guys here so early? I thought you were taking Rosie to the park?” I ask my sister.
“What are we doing here?” Jenny stares at me as if I’ve asked the most ludicrous question. “What do you think! We want to know what is going on with you and Sylas.”
I take a sip of my drink, drifting my gaze to where Rosie is sitting on her chair. She’s plucked the leaves off the clover and has moved on to the dandelion.
“Don’t tell me you called out of work for that?” I ask, disbelievingly. At her nod, I scoff. “You’re all insane if you believe there is anything going on.”
“Anna, I don’t know why you’re surprised. I’m nothing if not a nosy bitch. Come on, keep up.” Jenny tuts, snapping her fingers at me.
“I’ve told you all, nothing is happening between us.
” I roll my eyes, taking another sip. “You all know what his parents did, how he didn’t know about Rosie.
I’m not going to hold that against him. We’re co-parenting and trying to make this work, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to get back together or—”
Maya’s chuckle is patronizing. “‘Every day, all the time, I miss you. I can’t let go. I don’t want to. I need you.’ You want to tell them who said that to you?”
The girls gasp, eyes wide with astonishment as they snap in my direction.
“What?”
“Sylas said that?”
“Anna, what the hell?”
“Nothing is happening my ass.”
“I knew it. I told you he’s still in love with you.”
“Stop.” I raise my voice, speaking over them, but quiet it when Rosie pokes her head up. “Of course you were eavesdropping.”
“I didn’t mean to.” Maya shrugs unapologetically before leaning a hip against the table. “You guys weren’t necessarily being quiet.”
“And what did she say?” Em asks Maya as if she knows I’m not going to answer.
“She said—”
I interrupt her, feeling a range of emotions.
“Doesn’t matter what I said. We’re not getting back together.
We’re trying to make this new normal work.
And I’m going to live with him until I find another place.
Sorry to burst your bubbles, but that’s as exciting as our relationship is ever going to get. ”
Jenny hums pensively, and a small smile toys on her lips. “Okay, so how was your first day living with him?”
After the small moment we had in the kitchen, we didn’t see much of each other.
I had to move my stuff out of the apartment, which thankfully didn’t take long because I didn’t have a lot of time.
Sylas said he would have offered to help, but he had a few things to take care of.
While I heard him come in late that night, I stayed in my room, afraid I’d cave and do something I’d regret.
“We didn’t see each other. He’s busy with hockey and I was moving.”
I catch movement through the glass and have never felt more relieved to see a customer.
“Okay, I’m going to give you both five minutes to ask anything you want. I’ll answer honestly. When the time is up, we’re done talking about this, okay?” I tell Em and Jenny.
Maya and Rosie left an hour after she showed up, but Jenny stayed with us and helped around the bakery until closing.
We’ve talked about everything—from the bakery, the guys Clementine’s talking to, the tattoos she’s considering getting, and Jenny’s life in New York.
She wears a smile on her face as she talks about her family and working at the pharmacy. It’s not necessarily fake or forced, but I know she craves more and wishes she could do what she’s always dreamed of doing—music.
Jenny taught herself how to play four instruments. She also has a YouTube channel where she occasionally posts videos. In spite of it all, she’s resigned to impossibility of making it work. At least that’s what she said a few years ago. She hardly brings it up these days.
Now that we’ve exhausted all topics, I can hear their questions about Sylas and me swarming their heads, their probing stares speaking volumes.
I start the timer on my phone. “Go.”
“Do you still have feelings for Sylas?” Clementine gets straight to the point. Of course she does.
My heart picks up. I still love him, and I always will. “Yes.”
They look at each other and nod.
“What’s he like with Rosie?” Jenny asks, grabbing a spoonful of flan.
It races faster. “Amazing. I thought he’d be weird or hate it or…I don’t know, but he’s great, and Rosie loves him.”
“Are you really going to move out? He’s not making you pay anything,” Em questions, as if confused that I’m not taking advantage of his help.
Before he left yesterday, he made it abundantly clear that Maya and I would not be paying for anything. He said he’d be getting groceries, or if I prefer it, he’ll give me his card and I can buy whatever I want. And if there was anything I didn’t like or needed in the condo, to let him know.
I get why they’re confused, why they think it’s stupid that I won’t allow him to help, why they can’t understand why I’ll eventually want to move out. His condo is probably worth over a million dollars, and it’s the nicest place I’ve ever lived since his penthouse in New York.
“I did it before, and I didn’t question it.
I let him pay for everything. If I wanted it, he bought it.
Even my classes in France and where I stayed.
He bought it all and I let him. And then he broke up with me.
” My heart shrivels as I think about that day.
I had this gut feeling that I couldn’t shake off.
“I had access to his money, but I wasn’t going to use it.
Then his parents asked for it all back. So I had to sell everything and work overtime.
Anyway, I don’t want his money, and I don’t want his help.
I know you guys think I’m stupid, that he needs to make up for all the time he wasn’t there, and because he has the money, I should just accept it, but I can’t. ”
“Anna,” Jenny begins, but her voice wanes, and she stares at me, shell-shocked. “I-I didn’t know.”
I told her almost everything, but I couldn’t tell her that. I was too embarrassed, and I knew she’d try to help, but I didn’t want her to. She was already struggling with money and living with her family members as it was.
“Jesus Christ, they weren’t kidding when they said don’t meet your idols.”
“Idols?” Jenny lifts a questioning brow.
“I loved Clara. She was why I wanted to get into the industry,” Em explains, resentment heavy in her voice. “God, she plays the hell out of the ‘I’m sweet, I do so much for others and support women of all backgrounds,’ so well. I really thought…What a fucking cunt.”
She does; she plays it spectacularly. Everyone loves her and respects what she does and how she does it.
“It’s fine. I won’t ever have to interact with her again.” I refuse.
Although now that I think about it, I haven’t talked to Sylas about his parents and what’ll happen when they come to see him or when he sees them.
I don’t know if he’s talked to them about Rosie or if he’ll want them to meet her.
I don’t want that to happen, but they’re his parents. He’s not going to cut them off.
“Sweets?”
I blink out of my stupor at Em’s voice. “What?” I check the timer. “One more minute.”
They scramble over what they want to ask, speaking on top of each other in their excitement. Em laughs and motions for Jenny to start.
“It’s obvious Sylas wants you back. Would you ever consider getting back with him?” She scoops another spoonful of flan and shoves it in her mouth, as they wait expectantly to hear the answer to the million-dollar question.
“In a different lifetime, yes.” I have thought about it once or twice since he came back into the picture…and maybe dreamed about it too.
“Okay, last one.” Em holds up a single finger. “What if his parents weren’t involved? Would you give it a chance then?”
“Yes…no.” I glance at the tattoo on my arm. “I mean, yeah, if they weren’t involved, it’d make things easier, but Sylas…he…he—”
“Wait, don’t tell me he cheated?”
“No, but I wish he had. It’d be easier to move on,” I admit sardonically.
They look at each other, perplexed.
“What did he do?” Jenny sets her utensil down, and rage fills her eyes.
“It’s what he won’t do.” I wipe a palm down my tired face and brush my bangs away from my forehead.
I sigh, needing to get this off my chest because every time I think of what happened two weeks ago in his condo, I feel suffocated.
“His parents are a lot. I already knew that, but I just didn’t realize how bad.
“Years ago, after a game when Sylas’s team lost, he didn’t come home.
He told me he was going to meet me back at his place, but he never came.
So I reached out to his friends. They told me when they lose, he likes to be alone.
But I had this gut feeling he wasn’t. I know it’s going to sound crazy, but I went to the arena.
I don’t know why I thought of going there first, but I did, and that’s when I saw him on the ice with his uniform still on.
He wasn’t alone.” I suck in a breath, grinding my molars at the memory.
“His father, Dean, was punishing him for losing. He had him practicing, doing drills until he threw up, and even then…he didn’t stop. ”
I found out later that night that his father does that after every loss.
I told Sylas it wasn’t okay, that it was practically abuse, but he said it was fine. He brushed off my concern, said he’s only as good as he is because of his father.
Without him, I’d be nothing, he’d said after I listed every reason why it was wrong.
“I’m telling you both this because his father is a piece of shit, but in spite of it all, Sylas puts up with it.
” Rage clouds my thoughts. “He lets his father speak to him however he sees fit, and I don’t think he sees anything wrong with that.
But I stuck by him. I was there and I tried. In the end, it was all for nothing.”
I let myself ruminate a final time about what happened two weeks ago and know that I’m making the right decision.
If he asked for help, I wouldn’t hesitate to be there for him. But I know he won’t; he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong.
“Maybe in the next lifetime we’ll find a way to make it work.” I smile sadly.
I imagine it and I know we’d be happy. Not perfect, but we’d be together with Rosie.