Letters From a Broken Heart

1. Taylor

Chapter 1

Taylor

Placing a hand over the organ in my chest, I close my eyes and suck in a deep breath. It’s beating against my ribs so strongly. Each beat is a memory of him. A physical reminder of how I’ll never see him again. Each time I rest my hand there, I feel him. I feel like he's still here with me, even though he's not.

Losing Jack is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through. People say it will get easier over time, but it doesn't. It’s never going to get easier because he took my heart with him when he left. The heart I'm left with is a loaner. One I don’t want.

I'm not sure I’ll ever forget the pain I've gone through. The pain I'm still going through. It will always live with me, right here in my chest.

It’s been almost Four months since I lost him. Four months of pure torture. I spent the first two months at my parents’ house. They wouldn’t let me come home to my apartment because they were afraid I wouldn’t take care of myself. They were worried about my heart and my mind. They didn’t want me to fall into a deep pit of depression.

So, I stayed with them. When I was feeling a little better, I hid behind a smile until they believed I was well enough to live by myself again. I just wanted to be alone. To be able to wallow in self-pity. I don’t want others hoovering over me and asking if I'm ok or what else they can do for me. I just want to be left alone.

When my parents text me, I answer immediately. I know if I don’t, they’ll come check on me. I can only imagine how they’d react if they knew how I was really doing.

A knock on the door pulls me away from the mirror and has me stepping over piles of dirty clothes to get to the door. There’s a stack of mail thrown on the table and spilling onto the floor. Two baskets of laundry are knocked over. I'm not sure if they’re clean or dirty.

I know I need to clean up, I just don't have it in me to care. Nothing really matters anymore. My life is a complete waste.

What does it matter if there are five more piles of clothing on the floor? What does it matter if the sink is full of dishes? Or if the counter still has icing on it from his birthday cake… The last birthday cake he’ll ever enjoy with me.

I might have gained a heart that day, but I lost my best friend. The man of my dreams. The only one I’ll ever love .

I don't know how I'm supposed to be okay with that. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on and pretend life is all sunshine and roses.

Pulling the door open, I come face to face with the boy I've known my entire life. The one who used to kiss my scraped knees and put Band-Aids on them. The one who looks so much like the one I lost.

“What do you want, Easton?” I whisper, dropping my gaze to my feet. I don’t need him looking too closely at me. I definitely don’t want to see the pity in his eyes or the tilt of his head as he tries to figure out the right thing to say to me.

Nothing he can say will make things better. Nothing can take away the ache in my chest or the way my stomach churns when I think about everything I’ve lost.

“What are you doing, Taylor?” He pushes past me and further into my apartment.

He glances around and his lip curls in disgust. His gaze lingers on the icing on the counter and I know what he’s thinking. I don’t care though. He can judge me as much as he wants, but he doesn’t understand.

“Right now, or in general?” I run a hand through my messy hair and wince when I tug on a big knot. Well, it’s worse than a knot. My hair probably resembles more of a mouse nest than a messy bun at this point .

I glance down at the stained, oversized t-shirt I'm wearing. I honestly don’t know how many days I’ve been wearing this for. My sweatpants have holes in them, but what does it matter? I'm not leaving my apartment unless I absolutely have to.

“Both? Jeez, Taylor. This is bad.” He takes in my appearance and grimaces again. “When was the last time you even showered?”

“I don’t know, Easton! When was the last time you weren’t sticking your nose in my business?” I toss my hands up in the air and let them fall limply at my sides. I don’t want to do this right now.

The last thing I want to do is argue with him. That will lead to me crying and my chest aching for the rest of the night. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

I don’t know what people expect from me. Not only am I healing physically, but I'm trying to heal emotionally and mentally. I’m not going to do it on someone else’s timeline. Honestly, I might never heal at all.

He stares at me as his mouth opens and closes a few times. He shakes his head and clamps his jaw shut. A muscle pulses but he doesn’t say a word.

“What! Why are you looking at me like that?” I roar, losing control of my temper. I do it almost every time people come around me anymore.

I’ve lost control of every emotion. I cry all the time. I get angry and scream or yell. I withdraw from people when all I want is physical contact. It’s like my brain and heart are on two different wavelengths.

“You can't act like this. Jack would be devastated to find out you were taking your second chance at life and wasting it. He gave you everything. Do you really want it all to be for nothing?”

“You don’t get it! It is all for nothing if I don’t have him! Without Jack I have no reason to live!” I scream as tears stream down my face. I feel like I'm falling apart and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. My life is a complete mess. There’s no hope for me. None at all.

“Taylor… C’mon, you know that’s not true. You have so many friends and family that care about you. So many people would be lost without you.”

“Just like I am without him,” I whisper as more tears trickle down my cheek. This is a constant thing in my life now. Tears are just as common as eating anymore.

Without a single word Easton wraps his arms around me and buries his face in my neck. He holds onto me tightly, making my chest ache with pain and discomfort. I could complain and I know he’d release me right away, but I won't. For the first time in a while, I feel something other than misery.

“I know, Tay, I’m lost without him too. Everything changed when he died and I don’t know how to get life to return to normal. ”

Neither of us say anything as we hold onto each other. Jack was my entire world. Without him everything seems dull and pointless. It’s not worth living anymore. They should just bury me next to him because this life isn't what I imagined it’d be.

“I already lost my brother. I can’t lose you too, Taylor,” Easton whispers in my ear. “You’re the only connection I have to him.”

“Every time I look at you, all I see is him,” I whisper my confession into my silent apartment.

“I know. It kills me that I’m hurting you, but I can’t walk away. Jack would hate me if I did. He’d want me to be by your side and helping you with everything that’s happened. When do you go to your next doctor’s appointment?”

“Friday,” I whisper.

I don’t know what news they’ll give me at the appointment. Maybe they’ll say my body is rejecting the foreign heart. That I’m giving up completely and the heart can't handle it.

“Ok. I’m coming with you.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’m fine going by myself.” Somehow, it’s easier when I'm alone. I can get the information I need and leave without talking to anyone or discussing the next steps.

“I know I don’t have to. I want to.” He ducks his head until he’s meeting my gaze. He holds onto my arms and makes sure I'm really paying attention to him. “Let me in, Taylor. Please.”

And with that one word, I know I'm going to let him come with me. I'll let him tag along and be there for me because how can I not? He’s all I have left. The only piece of Jack I can hold onto. And if I let go of him, I'm not sure how I’ll survive.