9. Taylor
Chapter 9
Taylor
I watch them slowly lower the urn burial container into the ground and I feel… nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I glance around at the tears streaming down everyone’s face and I wonder what’s wrong with me? Why am I not crying?
I’ve been crying for weeks and now that Jack’s remains are actually being buried, I feel numb.
Easton’s still holding onto my hand and there are tears trickling down his cheek. He’s upset about his brother’s death, even after everything he found out today. I don’t blame him, but I can't convince myself to cry or be sad. He wasn’t the man who I thought he was.
Cassy, the girl Jack was cheating on me with, is sobbing a few yards away. Her friend is trying to comfort her, but she can't. She looks like the grieving girlfriend I should be .
How is she more upset than I am? How am I this numb? Even if you took away our romantic relationship, Jack was still one of my best friends. I should be more upset.
“Stop it,” Easton whispers, tugging me closer to him.
“I'm not doing anything.”
He wraps his arms around me and hugs me close to him. He buries his face in the crook of my neck. I'm sure to anyone else, it probably looks like we’re comforting each other, but I think he’s trying to save me again.
“You’re beating yourself up for not feeling anything. Stop doing that. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve been mourning his death for months and found out some pretty devastating information today. It’s understandable for you to be numb.”
“How do you always know what I'm thinking?” I whisper as I cling a little tighter to him.
“Because I see you, Taylor. I’ve always been able to read you like a book.”
His words and their meaning wrap around me like a fuzzy blanket, making me feel safe and cozy. Tears prick at the back of my eyes and I don’t even try to stop them. This is what I’ve always wanted. Someone who sees me. Who understands what’s going on inside of my head even when I can't put it into words.
Jack wasn’t a bad boyfriend, but I felt like I had to spell out what I was thinking or feeling if I wanted him to know. He couldn’t just look at me and know what was going on. Most of the time I didn’t feel like dealing with it and I’d act like everything was fine, even if it wasn’t. Honestly, even back then, Easton always saw through my lies.
He’d pull me aside, away from Jack, and ask what was going on. He wouldn’t let me return to whatever we were doing until I poured my heart out to him. He’s always seen me and understands how my mind works.
I tighten my hold on Easton and let out the pain I’ve been feeling. The agony over what I’ve survived in the last few months. The future I'm going to have to deal with and the past that’s catching up with me.
A part of me is completely broken and I don’t think it will ever heal. Knowing I gave Jack all of me and he was never faithful to me, it hurts. He broke a part of my heart.
I know my heart would’ve been safe in Easton’s hands and yet I was the idiot that jumped at the chance of dating either one of the Maxwell brothers. I quickly gave up my dreams of Easton when Jack asked me out.
How could I be so stupid?
I think back to the pain and agony that was so clearly written across Easton’s face when he found out Jack had asked me out. The stiffness of his body as he climbed the stairs to the porch. He knew. He already knew Jack had gone behind his back and made sure he couldn’t have me .
A sob tears through me when I think of how many years I’ve missed with Easton. How happy we’d be together. I wonder if he had been able to ask me out first, would we be married right now? Would we have kids yet? Would we be living out our happily ever after?
“I’ve got you, sweetheart. You’re safe,” Easton murmurs in my ear, making me cry even harder.
He probably thinks I'm crying over his brother, but I'm not. I'm crying over how Jack ruined everything. He ruined what Easton and I could’ve had. He ruined our relationship and everything we ever shared.
A soft hand gets placed on my back. I know it isn't Easton’s. His hands are wrapped tightly around me and he’s not going to let go, plus the hand is too small.
“Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry,” Mrs. Maxwell says softly. She moves her hand up and down my back in a soothing motion.
Would she be this kind to me if she knew I wasn’t crying for her son who gave everything so I could have a second chance at life? No. I'm crying over her son who’s holding onto me for dear life. The one who’s kept me going over the last few months.
Easton lifts his head from my neck, making me hold on tighter to him. I don’t want to let go. I never want to let go again.
He murmurs something to his parents, but I'm not paying attention to any of it. I’m too wrapped up in the ways my life could’ve been different. I'm too busy thinking about how I'm going to change my future and find true happiness.
Soon, Easton’s returning to the same position again. His face is nestled in the crook of my neck and I can feel his warm breath fan over my exposed skin with each exhale. It provides me more comfort than he’ll ever know. He’s still here with me. I didn’t lose him.
We stay like that for what feels like forever. I don’t even know if it’s been five minutes or five hours. I’ve lost all sense of time and I don’t have it in me to care. At this point, I'm not sure I’ll ever let go of him.
“Sweetheart, we need to go.” Easton tries to pull away, but I tighten my grip on his neck. “Tay-Tay…” he chuckles. “Can I carry you to the car?”
I nod my head against his chest. I'm not letting go of him unless he makes me. I just want to curl up in his arms and sleep for a while.
Easton’s hands slowly slip down my body until he’s gripping my thighs, then he lifts me into the air and I don’t hesitate to wrap my legs around his waist. I hold onto him like he’s going to slip through my fingers if I don’t. I’ve never been so thankful I chose to wear dress pants instead of a dress today.
“Holy crap, I’ve never had anyone hold on so tightly.” He chuckles. “You’re going to break my ribs.”
I loosen my grip on him slightly, feeling bad that I might’ve hurt him. He has one arm under my butt, keeping me up, and the other is around my back, holding me close. He tightens the one on my back and makes me feel so cherished.
“I was joking, Tay. You can hold on as tightly as you want to. I don’t even care if you do break a rib or two. I’ve always dreamed of being able to hold you like this, I'm not going to complain now that I can do it.”