10. Easton
Chapter 10
Easton
Carrying Taylor over to my SUV, I open the passenger’s door and set her on the seat, but she still won’t loosen her hold on me.
“Sweetheart, you need to let go sooner or later.” Rubbing a hand up and down her back, I try to sooth her, but at this point I'm not sure if she’s upset because she’s numb or if she’s finally reacting to Jack being buried.
I won't be upset if she’s crying over Jack. I can't change the past and they dated for a long time. Even if they hadn’t dated, they were best friends. She’s going to be destroyed over the loss of him. It doesn’t matter what choices he made and how they hurt her.
“I don’t want to,” she murmurs. “I never want to let go.”
“Hey, look at me.” I pull back and force her to stay in place. When there’s the smallest amount of space between us, I grip her chin between my thumb and forefinger, lifting until she’s staring into my eyes. “I'm not leaving you, beautiful. I'm just getting us out of this cemetery. Can I get in the driver’s seat, then you can hold my hand?”
“You promise?” Her eyes are so blue right now they almost don’t look real. She always looks like this when she cries.
“Of course.” I lift her hand to my lips and press a soft kiss to each knuckle. I stare into her eyes for a few seconds until she nods her head.
After making sure she’s all the way inside the car, I shut her door and jog around to my side. As soon as I'm seated, she reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers.
“Do you want to go to the lunch or do you want to go home?”
“I feel like we need to go,” she whispers.
“We don’t need to do anything you don’t want to do, sweetheart. My parents will understand.”
She takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly. I don’t want to push her one way or the other. She needs to make this decision herself.
“Can we go for a little bit? Then will you stay with me tonight?”
“Of course. I’ll just have to stop at my house to get some clothes, unless you want to stay at my place.”
I shift the car into drive and move slowly through the cemetery. I’m not in a hurry to get to the lunch. I think we both need a little bit of time to get our heads on straight before we face my family and Jack’s friends again .
I can't for the life of me understand why Jack would cheat on Taylor. She’s perfect. Everything you could ever want in a girlfriend. How was she not enough for him? What could this other girl possibly have that Taylor doesn’t? It just doesn’t make sense to me.
“How’d you find out?” I ask softly. I'm sure she doesn’t want to talk about it, but I need to know. I can't imagine someone just telling her.
“There were two girls there. One of them, Cassy, was talking about me and saying a bunch of crap. According to her, Jack was on the way to see her when he crashed. If he hadn’t been cheating on me, he might still be alive.”
“Do you know them?”
“Not at all. If I hadn’t been standing outside the bathroom, I never would’ve known the truth.”
“I'm so sorry, Tay.”
She stares down at her hands and doesn’t say anything else. My mind whirls with what would’ve happened if Jack had lived, but Taylor didn’t get a heart in time. I feel like a jerk, but I’m not sure I could survive without Taylor in my life.
“What are you thinking about?” She peeks up at me.
“Nothing I really want to voice? I’d sound like a jerk.”
“You’re not a jerk and we both know it, East. Tell me. ”
I pull into the parking lot of the restaurant the lunch is being held at and turn into an empty spot. As soon as my car is off, I spin in my seat to face Taylor and take both of her hands in mine.
“Let’s talk about it when we get back to your house, please?”
“Ok.” She smiles and squeezes my hand before letting out a sigh.
“Are you ready to go in?”
“Only if you don’t leave my side. If Cassy’s in there, I might punch her in the face. I need you to stop me from doing that.”
“Eh, it would be sort of entertaining to watch,” I tease. Taylor’s eyes snap to mine and widen. She shakes her head, making me chuckle. “Fine, I won't let you attack the home wrecker, if you want to take all the fun out of this funeral lunch.” I roll my eyes and she bursts out laughing.
“Easton! Stop it!” She swats at my chest, but she isn't mad at all.
“I just wanted to see you smile, beautiful. I’ve hated seeing you so sad lately.”
“I'm sorry,” she whispers as her smile drops.
“There’s no reason to be sorry. I'm glad you’re comfortable around me and aren’t afraid to show how you feel. I always want you to be raw and honest with me.” I glance over at the door to the restaurant. My parents are standing outside, watching my car. I'm sure they’re wondering why we haven’t come in yet. “Are you ready? ”
“Yes.” She nods her head and releases my hand long enough for us both to get out of the car. When we meet at the front of the car, I place my hand on her lower back and lead her towards my parents.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Dad kisses Taylor’s forehead and gives her a quick hug. “I hope my son is taking good care of you.”
“Always, Mr. Maxwell. You raised a good one.” Taylor smiles up at him, but I see how everyone’s mind instantly goes to Jack. It’s like he’s this elephant filling the room and no one wants to bring him up.
“Well,” Mom clears her throat and plasters a fake smile on her face. “I think we should get inside before everyone starts wondering where we are.”
“After you.” Dad motions for Mom to go first and we follow behind them.
I know it’s hard for everyone, but we can't stop living. We need to keep going and figure out our new normal.
There will be days the loss will be too much or too consuming, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. I refuse to give up on my future. I refuse to let Taylor give up either.
We take a seat at the table with Mom and Dad. A few of my aunts and uncles are seated with us, as well as my grandparents. Even though everyone is still mourning, it’s not as bad since it’s been over four months since Jack died.
His body was beaten up pretty badly after the accident. There was no way to have an open casket. It took some work, but I was able to convince Mom and Dad to wait until Taylor had a chance to heal before they had the funeral. I didn’t think it was fair for her to miss it.
My mind drifts to the phone call I received over four months ago. The one call I wish I hadn’t answered. It would’ve given me just a little bit longer before my world came crashing down around me.
“Hello?” I answer as I type away on my computer and try to finish this assignment for work.
“Easton! He’s gone! How can he be gone?” Mom sobs into the phone, making me instantly stop working and my blood pressure to skyrocket as a sinking feeling fills my stomach.
“Who? What’s going on?”
“Jack! He was in an accident.” She mumbles something else, but I can't make out her words. Honestly, I can barely understand anything she’s saying. She’s crying too hard. She’s too upset.
“Is Dad there?”
“Yes.”
“Can I talk to him?”
There’s shuffling on the other end of the phone, then Dad’s voice comes through.
“Easton… Jack was in a car accident. They have him at the hospital. He’s alive, but there’s no brain activity. Machines are keeping him alive right now.” Dad sounds exhausted and like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.
“Why are they keeping him alive if he has no brain activity?” I blink at the computer screen, not really seeing anything in front of me.
“They want to know if we want to donate his organs.”
“How’s-” I begin to ask, but Dad cuts me off.
“His heart didn’t sustain any damage. We want to donate his organs. That’s what he’d want, especially after everything with Taylor.”
“Ok, so now what?”
“We’re headed to the hospital to say… to say goodbye,” Dad chokes on a sob and the reality of the situation finally hits me.
My little brother is never going to call me again. We won't be able to go out for drinks or to hang out and watch movies. I’ll have my house to myself and suffocate in the silence I was never able to enjoy with Jack around.
Silent tears stream down my cheeks, but I do nothing to stop them. My chest feels like someone just slammed a sledgehammer into the center of it.
“I’ll be at the hospital in twenty minutes. I need to call my boss and tell him I’ll need some time off.”
“We’ll see you then.”
I scramble to save my document and send an email to my boss. I know this would be better handled as a phone call, but I don’t think I can talk to anyone right now. I quickly gather my keys, wallet, and phone, then I'm out the door .
The entire drive to the hospital, my brain is running on overdrive. I know we can't give Jack’s heart to Taylor, but I really hope there’s some sort of miracle that happens here. It’d be amazing if his heart could save her.
As I step into the hospital room, I swallow hard and try my hardest to blink away my tears, but they’re coming too quickly.
Jack’s lying on the bed, but his face is so bloody and cut up, it’s hard to tell it’s him. There’s a tube down his throat and a bunch of wires and IVs hooked up to him. He looks so different from the man I ate breakfast with this morning.
“Hello. I'm Dr. Miles. I’m sorry to be meeting you under these circumstances. We have some important decisions to make and I want to make sure Jack is treated with the utmost care and respect.”
“We want to donate his organs,” Mom blurts out, then bursts into tears.
“Ok. We can discuss that,” Dr. Miles says slowly.
“Jack’s girlfriend, Taylor Gaines, is on the donor list for a heart. Is there any way we can test her to see if she’s a candidate to receive his heart?” I pinch my lips together to try and gather my composure.
I need to call Taylor. I need to tell her what happened and give her a chance to say goodbye. She deserves to know.
“I can't make any guarantees. When donating organs, there are a lot of things that go into making sure the correct person gets the correct organ. We also have strict rules we need to follow when it comes to organ donations.”
“We understand,” Dad says with a nod.
“I’ll give you some time with your son and brother. We believe Jack has quite a few organs we could use to save other peoples’ lives. I know this is a difficult time for all of you. If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll just be right out at the desk.”
The doctor leaves us in silence and I glance over at my parents. They’re both staring down at Jack with tears dripping from their cheeks onto the ground.
“I should call Taylor,” I murmur as I tug my phone out of my pocket.
“Not yet, Easton. I don’t want her to know yet.” Dad places his hand on my shoulder and shakes his head.
“What? Why not? She deserves to get a chance to say goodbye!” I frown at the man I’ve always looked to for guidance, but this time he’s wrong.
“And I’ll make sure she gets that chance. But what if by some miracle, she’s a perfect match for his heart. We can't tell her who’s heart she’s getting until after it’s inside of her. You have no way of knowing how she’ll respond. If she gets too upset and her blood pressure is too high, they might not do the procedure. I don’t want her to miss out on this opportunity if Jack can save her life. This is what he’d want, Easton.”
I nod my head as my tears fall faster. If my brother could do one thing before he died, it would be to save Taylor. Though I don’t think he’ll ever love her the way I do, they were still best friends and he’d want to be the one person to save her life and give her a future.
Collapsing into a chair next to Jack’s bed, I hang my head and say a silent prayer. I know the doctor thinks Jack’s organs can save multiple peoples’ lives, but I pray one of them is Taylor. I can't lose her. She means too much to me.
It feels like hours before the doctor comes back in. There’s a soft smile on his lips and it has me sitting a little taller in my seat.
“We’re going to start some testing to see if Jack’s organs can be used.”
“What does that mean for my son?” Mom struggles to keep her voice strong.
“Jack will be kept on the ventilator until we have finished the testing. We believe his lungs and kidneys will be able to be donated also. We’ve already called in possible candidates for those organs too, and are waiting for them to go through testing to see if they’re a match. Once everything is figured out, we’ll ask you to say goodbye to Jack. He will be taken into the operating room and his organs will be harvested. Once the organs are removed, we will turn off the ventilator and we will call the time of death. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know how difficult this must be for you, but you’re making a very selfless decision. One that will be a blessing to so many people.”
“Thank you, Dr. Miles.” Dad nods again. “We’re not telling Taylor about Jack’s accident. If she somehow is a possible patient who could receive Jack’s heart, we don’t want her to know yet. ”
“That’s completely understandable.” He scribbles something on Jack’s chart before he lifts his attention back to us.
“If she somehow is a match, I think it’s best if she doesn’t know who’s heart she’s getting until after the surgery. I know she’s going to be a mess if she finds out it’s Jack’s.”
“I think that’s a wise decision. I’ll be back once I know the results.”
It takes almost four hours before the nurse enters the room. Everyone’s attention instantly snaps to her and it seems like we’re all holding our breath, waiting to find out what’s going to happen.
“We would like to begin the surgery to harvest Jack’s organs within the next hour.”
The next hour is somehow the longest and the shortest of my life. It’s difficult knowing my brother is lying right next to me. His body is alive, yet he can't talk to me or interact in any way. I’ll never see his cocky smirk or hear him tease me for something stupid. He'll never do something to annoy me or try to scare me when I'm walking through the house at night.
When they wheel his bed out of the room to take him to surgery, there isn't a dry eye. We’re all a mess and I'm not sure we’ll ever be ok again. How does a family survive when a quarter of the members are gone? How do you keep going when your only sibling is all of a sudden missing from your life?
“Hello?” I ask as I answer the phone and scrub a hand over my face. I'm emotionally exhausted and I know this is just the beginning of it. It’s only going to get worse once Taylor finds out.
“Easton? Hi, this is Taylor’s Mom.” The excitement in her voice is hard to miss and I know exactly why she’s happy.
“Hi, Mrs. Gaines. How are you?”
“I'm fantastic! Taylor got the call! They have a heart for her. She was actually just taken back to surgery. She wanted me to get a hold of Jack so he could be here when she wakes up. Do you know where he is? I’ve called him a few times, but it keeps going straight to voicemail.”
I swallow hard and try to keep the tears at bay. I don’t want to lose control when I break the news to them.
“Yeah, I do. Where are you in the hospital? I’ll come see you.”
“Oh! We’re on the third floor. They’re letting us wait in the room Taylor will be in after her surgery. It’s room 384.”
“Ok. I’ll see you soon.”
I hang up and scrub my hands over my face again. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but someone needs to do it.
“I’ll come with you, son.” Dad appears at my side and places his hand on my shoulder.
We walk silently down to the third floor and quickly find room 384. I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly.
“It’s ok, Easton. I'm here and we’re going to make it through this,” Dad murmurs as he lifts his hand and knocks on the door.
Mr. Gaines calls for us to come in. I keep my head hung and my attention on the ground as I follow Dad into the room.
“Chase, is everything ok?” Mr. Gaines is on his feet immediately and coming towards us.
“Jack was in an accident.”
“Oh! I'm so sorry to hear that. Is he here? In the hospital? Is he ok?” Mrs. Gaines spits out one question after another, not giving us a chance to answer.
“I believe Jack might very well be Taylor’s heart donor,” Dad says softly.
“No!” Mrs. Gaines gasps as tears instantly fill her eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Chase and Easton. What can we do for your family?” Mr. Gaines places a hand on both of our shoulders and shakes his head.
“Just… Make sure Taylor recovers. She means so much to our family. We’re happy something good can come out of our son’s death. Him losing his life could save a few others.”
“Why didn’t they tell us it was Jack’s heart?” Mrs. Gaines covers her mouth with her hand and stares at us in shock.
“I don’t think they can legally tell you,” I explain. “I didn’t want Taylor to know about the accident in case she could be a recipient. I didn’t want her to turn it down just because it was Jack’s heart.
“She’d do that.” Mr. Gaines nods his head with a sad smile. “If she knew Jack was gone, she wouldn’t want the heart. She’d say she was going to die right along with him.”
“That’s why you need to make sure she recovers well. I’m not losing her too. Taylor’s always been like a daughter to us and we want to see her get a happy and healthy future.”
We chat for a few more minutes before Dad and I excuse ourselves and head back to Jack’s room to find Mom. She’s sobbing into her hands and her shoulders are shaking uncontrollably. This is going to be difficult for all of us.
“Let’s go home, honey.” Dad scoops her into his arms and hugs her close. He glances at me and nods towards the door.
“I want to stay until Taylor’s out of surgery. I asked Mrs. Gaines to text me when the doctor talks to her.”
“It’s not your job to break the news to her, son.” Dad pins me with a look.
“I know, but I'm not letting her be alone. I want to be there for her. She’s going to need a lot of people around.”
“You’re a good man.” He smiles sadly at me and shakes his head. I want to ask what he means, but this isn't the time. He needs to get Mom home and I need to find something to entertain myself for the next few hours.
I’m not allowed to see Taylor for the first few days, but Mr. Gaines has been keeping me up to date on how she’s doing. She was taken off the ventilator this morning and he thinks I’ll be able to see her. It’s killing me to be away from her for this long. I need to see her and know she’s really ok .
I’m standing outside of Taylor’s room, waiting for the nurse to finish checking on her. I'm wringing my hands as I wait impatiently. I'm not sure if I'm nervous to see how she’s feeling or terrified of her finding out the truth.
“There’s someone who wants to see you. I told them they can only stay for a few minutes though; are you ok with having a visitor?” The nurse asks loudly enough for me to hear her.
“Yes! I want to see him.” The excitement in her voice makes my chest tighten and I feel like I can't breathe. She’s going to be heartbroken. Destroyed.
“You can go in, but you can't stay long,” the nurse says softly as she steps into the hallway.
“Does she know?”
“No.”
I nod my head and step inside the room. Taylor’s already staring at the door and her smile falls when she finds me and not Jack. Her brows draw together and she frowns.
“Easton? Where’s Jack? Isn't he here?”
As soon as the words are out of her mouth, she shakes her head and stares at me in embarrassment.
“Not that I don’t want to see you. Wow, I sound like such a jerk right now. It’s just… I called Jack when my beeper went off. I assumed it was him trying to see me. ”
She narrows her eyes on me and she stops talking. I can tell she’s noticing something is wrong and I instantly lose some of the control I have on my emotions.
“Taylor…” My voice breaks and my body shakes with a sob.
“What’s going on? Where’s Jack? Why is everyone crying? This is supposed to be a happy time for us.”
She glances around the room, frantically looking for answers no one wants to give her. None of us want to be the one to break the news, but she needs to know. She deserves to know.
“Taylor, I need you to calm down. Your heart rate is too high and you’re going to stress your new heart.” A nurse rushes into the room with some sort of medication in her hand. She secures it to the IV and quickly pushes the medication through Taylor’s system.
“She wants to know where Jack is,” Mrs. Gaines whispers.
Everyone is silent. The only noise in the room is the beeping on the monitor. The sound of Jack’s heart beating strongly in her chest. This is so hard.
“You can tell her now, but if she gets any more upset, we’re going to have to sedate her more.”
“You might as well get the medication now. She’s going to lose it,” Mr. Gaines says softly. He sounds like he’s seconds away from crying again and that makes it even harder for me to stay strong.
The nurse disappears and comes back a few seconds later with another syringe. She nods to Mr. Gaines, but I can tell he can't do it. He doesn’t know how to break his daughter’s heart and tell her the man she loves is gone.
So, I take a deep breath and tell her the one thing that could drive her even further away from me. After all, she’ll never be mine so it doesn’t really matter. There’s no chance of me getting my happily ever after with my deceased brother’s girlfriend. It doesn’t matter if I loved her more or if I wanted her first. My chance is gone.
“He’s gone, Tay. He was in a car accident and he didn’t make it.” I take her hand in mine as my tears drip from my chin and splash onto our joined hands.
“What? No! That can’t be! I just talked to him the morning of my surgery and he was fine! Where is he, Easton!”
“He died. Some girl was texting on her phone and didn’t realize how curvy the road was. She swerved and hit him. He hit his head and there was a brain bleed. His heart was still working, but he was brain dead.”
“No! I don’t believe you. I want to see Jack. Get me Jack, Easton! Please!”
I settle on the edge of her bed and wrap my arms gently around her. I don’t want to hurt her after her surgery, but she needs someone to comfort her. I don’t know what else to do, other than hug her.
“I know, Tay. I hate that he’s gone, but at least he gave you back to me. He gave you a second chance.”
“What are you talking about? How did he give me a second chance?”
“Your heart donor… Your heart is from Jack, sweetie.” Mrs. Gaines places her hand on Taylor’s shoulder and rubs it.
“I don’t want a second chance! Not if he’s not here! I want to die.”
The ache in my chest spreads with the words she screams. She doesn’t want to live. She doesn’t want to keep going without him.
I get it. I really do. They’ve been dating for a long time and she was in love with him, but it’s another reminder of how little I mean to her. She doesn’t care if I'm right here loving her, she only wants him.
“Don’t say that, Tay. I need you. You have to stay here with me or his death was for nothing,” My voice breaks as more tears slip down my cheeks.
Jack’s death was hard and I’ll never be the same without my brother, but this… this might kill me.
“Hey, are you ok?” Taylor places her hand on my thigh and stares up at me with concern. There’s a crease between her brows as she watches me carefully.
“Sorry, I was lost in thought,” I mumble.
“Thought or a bad memory?” She asks knowingly.
“A bad memory.”
She nods her head, then rests it against my shoulder. She’s this silent support I didn’t expect to have today, but I really appreciate it. I'm not sure I would’ve gotten through my speech without her sitting in the front row .
I pretended I was just speaking to her and no one else. I wrote the entire thing with her in mind and I'm happy with how it turned out. She needed to hear every word I said and I’ll keep reminding her until she believes she shouldn’t feel guilty for having Jack’s heart in her chest.
As people get food, soft conversations begin around the tables. There are probably over two hundred people stuffed into this restaurant. It never ceases to amaze me how many more people show up to the funeral of someone younger than someone older.
All deaths are hard, but there’s something especially hard about losing someone younger. Someone with their entire future ahead of them.
“Do you want me to make you a plate?” I lean into Taylor as the rest of the table stands to get food.
“It’s ok, I can get it.”
“I know you can, but I want you to take it easy. It’s been a long day and this is probably more activity than you normally have on a Friday. Let me take care of you, sweetheart.”
“Ok, thank you.” Her eyes soften as she stares up at me. I’d pay good money to know what’s going through her head right now.
Instead of asking, I rise and join the line of people to grab a plate and pick out what I want to eat for lunch. I don’t bother asking Taylor what she wants because I already know. She’d never admit it, but I know her almost as well as she knows herself .
I know she’ll eat the ziti, but not the lasagna. She says lasagna has too much ricotta in it, which is crazy. There’s no such thing as too much ricotta. She’ll want two meatballs and as many rolls as I can stuff onto her plate.
Her appetite isn't as big as it was before she had her transplant, but I'll still give her a big plate. I'm hoping she’ll eat all of it without paying attention since there’s so much going on around us.
I watch her as I walk back to the table. She’s easily the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. I don’t know what Jack was thinking when he cheated on her. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
I wish I could have one more conversation with him. One chance to ask him what was going through his mind and how could he do that to her? I’d ask why I couldn’t have her when he clearly didn’t want her. Every single question I’d ask would have to do with Taylor. How he didn’t deserve her and how he ruined whatever we could’ve had.
Placing Taylor’s plate in front of her, she stares up at me with wide eyes. I smirk as I take my seat and prepare to get yelled at.
“Easton! This is too much food!”
“Just eat, Taylor. There’s so much food, it will never get eaten today. No one cares if you waste a little bit.”
“Are you going to eat whatever I can't?” She arches her brow. She’s always had this thing about not wasting food.
I agree it’s stupid to waste food, but only to a certain extent. One time, Taylor made muffins for Jack and me. She wanted to wow us with her baking skills. We were definitely surprised, but not in the way she hoped for.
The muffins were so hard Jack was able to bang them against the table like a golf ball. Taylor almost cried and we ended up soaking them in milk just so we could choke them down because she didn’t want to let them to go to waste.
“Yes, don’t I always?” I roll my eyes playfully, making her chuckle.
My aunts, uncles, and grandparents engage us in small talk and before I know it, people are lining up to tell us goodbye and give their condolences once again.
I smile and nod my thanks because I don’t know what else to say. Yes, I lost my brother and that’s sad, but I'm really angry at him right now and I'm not sure how to handle that.
Before long, we’re able to climb inside my SUV and leave this entire day behind us. I'm ready to climb into bed and hold Taylor in my arms. I know we need to talk, but that can wait until the morning. I’m exhausted.