Chapter 11
Rowan was doing her best not to overthink things, but nervousness had been washing over her in waves ever since she’d agreed to spend the day on Nathan’s boat.
She’d tried to tell herself that it was apprehension about taking two young boys out on the water.
Since having Bella and Theo and realising she was responsible for keeping them safe, she’d become far more risk averse than she had been when she only had herself to look out for.
Although the truth was, even back then, she hadn’t been a huge risk taker.
If she was completely honest with herself, it explained why she’d ended up marrying James.
He’d become her safe space after leaving Port Agnes.
He was her first friend when she’d moved to London and, looking back, she suspected it should probably have stayed that way, but they’d become boyfriend and girlfriend instead; at least, that was the title they’d given themselves.
There’d never been any grand passion, not even in the early days.
She had nothing to compare it to, but she was pretty certain that a couple of nineteen-year-olds in a relationship, away from home together at university, should be having to fight pretty hard for that not to become sexual.
James had always cited his religious beliefs for wanting to wait until they were married and she’d respected that, but he’d never seemed to find the waiting a challenge.
Maybe it hadn’t seemed as odd because neither had Rowan, not really.
They’d kissed, but it hadn’t been anything like what was described in the books or the movies, or anything like it had been when she’d kissed Nathan.
She hadn’t wanted to rip James’s clothes off.
She didn’t think about what it felt like to kiss him even when he wasn’t around, or replay the moment in her mind for months – years – afterwards, the way she had with Nathan.
It had felt nice and safe and comforting in a world where that was all she’d craved since the breakdown of her parents’ marriage, and she’d decided she was more than happy to settle for that.
Her parents’ own grand passions with their new partners were what had killed their marriage as far as she was concerned, and that kind of thing looked dangerous to Rowan.
She wanted any children she might have to grow up in a calm and steady household, and it had felt as though James was the perfect person to provide that.
After they got married, sex was suddenly on the table.
They hadn’t consummated the marriage on the night of their wedding, agreeing that they were too tired and that they wanted their first time to be special.
They’d been three days into the honeymoon, and half a bottle of Tequila down, before it had finally happened.
Rowan wasn’t completely na?ve; she’d had enough conversations with friends over the years to know that first times tended to be pretty rubbish, especially for women, and even more so if you were both virgins.
She hadn’t expected fireworks and it had been okay.
The trouble was it had never got beyond okay and there had never been any fireworks.
They’d quickly moved into a routine of having sex on a Saturday evening, almost as though it needed to be diarised for it to happen.
The only time they’d really increased the regularity had been when they were trying for Bella and Theo.
After conceiving the children, sex had slipped down the priority list and moved to one Saturday a month, before tailing off altogether.
Rowan hadn’t missed it, because there really hadn’t been much to miss, but it had bothered her that there was no intimacy between them and James didn’t seem to find her attractive.
Sex itself was overrated in her opinion and she’d stopped feeling butterflies at the thought of kissing someone, and the prospect of taking that further, when she’d finally stopped thinking about that kiss with Nathan.
Except now he was back in her life and she could lie to herself as much as she wanted to about the reason for the nerves bubbling up inside her, but she knew it wasn’t all about keeping the boys safe on the boat.
Nathan Lark made her feel things she’d only ever felt with him and even the idea of giving into a grand passion of her own terrified her.
That was a road to trouble she didn’t want to travel down, but when he was standing in front of her, as he was now, and it was just the two of them on their own, it was almost impossible not to think about it.
‘Irene’s still in the bakery with the boys.
I think she’s buying enough food for us in case we get shipwrecked.
’ Rowan smiled, feeling guilty now for the way her heart had sunk at the sight of Nathan’s mother when she and Theo had arrived outside Mehenick’s Bakery.
Irene had quickly explained that she was only there to drop Leo off, as Nathan had gone down early to do some preparations on the boat.
‘That’s Mum for you. I think she feels guilty because she’s off out for a day with her friends to the Japanese gardens in St Mawgan and then for dinner.
’ Nathan straightened up as he spoke. He was already onboard, but she was still standing on the concrete slope that led down from the harbourside, which made it possible to access the smaller boats, uncertain whether or not she should join him.
‘I think Mum feels guilty that I’ve got Leo for the whole weekend, but she should know better than that.
I can’t think of any other way I’d rather spend it. ’
‘I’m the same. I used to dread weekends a bit before I had the kids.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just because I’ve always loved my job, but the days felt weirdly empty without work.
James and I couldn’t seem to get into any kind of a rhythm with filling our time in a way that we both enjoyed.
’ She caught Nathan’s eye then and heat rose up her neck as he raised his eyebrows.
‘I don’t know your ex but he’s clearly a man with very little imagination and no concept of how lucky he was.
’ Nathan was looking at her so intently that she wanted to drop her gaze, but somehow she couldn’t.
She had a feeling he was flirting with her, except it felt far deeper than that.
Although it had been so long since anyone had flirted with her that she couldn’t be entirely sure.
Either way the navy blue of his T-shirt almost exactly matched the colour of his eyes, which were still holding her gaze.
If she’d thought he’d done it on purpose, it would have been enough to put her off, but she would have bet her car that he hadn’t.
The fact that he didn’t seem to have any idea how good looking he was just made him all the more attractive; he’d always been that way, even when they were back in school.
Nowadays his physique was broader and she found herself wondering what it would be like to be held by him again.
The way he was looking at her meant the butterflies were threatening to get completely out of control and travel to places they had no right to visit. Places that would only lead to trouble.
‘Right, we’ve got enough food to feed an army!
’ Irene’s voice broke the spell and all the tension Rowan hadn’t even realised she’d been holding in her body seemed to relax.
Being on her own with Nathan was something she needed to avoid, she knew that now.
Not because she didn’t trust him, but because he still had the same effect on her after all these years.
It was a feeling she’d begun to think she’d imagined, something that had played into a fantasy of what chemistry between two people should feel like.
Except it felt alarmingly real when they were alone together.
Now, with the boys excitedly chattering about the day ahead, and Irene listing all the things she’d bought for the picnic, Rowan could finally think straight and put her feelings back into the box labelled ‘the past’ and get on with life as a single mother of two.
‘Come on, Mum!’ Theo called out to her as he followed his friend down the wide metal gang plank that led from the concrete slope to the boat, enabling Leo to access it in his wheelchair. ‘You’re going to get left behind and miss all the fun otherwise.’
‘Yes, go on, don’t risk missing the fun.’ Suddenly Irene was handing her the bag with the picnic inside and pushing Rowan gently in the small of her back. ‘You really deserve some fun and so does Nathan, so it would be a crying shame if either of you missed out on the chance of it.’
Before Rowan could even answer, Irene had turned and walked back up the slope, and all she could do was follow her son’s urging to hurry up and join the others.
She and Nathan were only spending time together to give the boys a lovely day out, that was all.
There was no need for her to over-analyse how she felt towards him.
He was just the uncle of her son’s new best friend.
That was where her relationship with Nathan Lark begun and ended.
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