Chapter 12 #2
‘You think she’ll turn you down because you went to prison, don’t you?
’ Will’s jaw was rigid and this was exactly the conversation Nathan had wanted to avoid.
There was no point going over this again, it wouldn’t change anything.
He’d made his choice years before and he had to live with the consequences of that.
Nathan had always known there’d be a price to pay and he’d never once doubted it was worth it.
Although just lately the price had felt a lot higher, because Will was right, Rowan would never date him.
The best he could hope for now was to be her friend, which would force him to watch from the sidelines when she did start to date again.
Maybe it was for the best, that was what he was trying to tell himself; there was just too much to lose if it all went wrong.
They got on so well when the four of them were doing things together, sometimes they’d be joined by Bella and her friend Tiffany too.
The insights Rowan had into things and her way of looking at the world gave him a new perspective.
They’d spoken about everything from their favourite music to their childhoods.
The deepest conversations had come in quiet moments, like when they’d been heading back to Port Agnes on the boat, or while they sat watching the children playing, the day the boys were trying to launch a kite on the beach.
They’d insisted they didn’t want any help, Leo was the brains and Theo was the muscle and it seemed to be a winning combination.
‘It must have been so nice to have a brother to do things with, especially with you and Will being so close in age. I’d have loved that.
’ The wistful tone to Rowan’s voice would have given her away, even if her words hadn’t.
‘I hated being an only child. I love Charlie to bits, but he didn’t come along until my childhood was all but over and, even now, he feels more like a nephew than a brother.
It’s different when you don’t grow up together. ’
‘Yes, we were lucky, we got a built-in playmate and best buddy. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him and I know he feels the same.
’ Nathan had paused for a moment, a memory he’d kept locked away trying to resurface, but he pushed it back down again.
That wasn’t a story he could share, but there were plenty he could.
‘Despite how well we got on most of the time, we had some pretty epic fights too and some of the jokes went a bit too far, like when I superglued the side of his head to the car window.’
‘Should I even ask?’ Rowan was even more beautiful when she smiled and that’s when she looked most like the carefree girl he’d known all those years ago, before life had layered on the kind of worries that it inevitably did.
He’d found himself hoping that being in Cornwall would help bring her old smile back bit by bit, and he was determined to do whatever he could to help that process along.
‘Will always fell asleep on long car journeys. He’d lean his head against the window and it didn’t matter how bumpy the road was or how many twists and turns there were, nothing woke him up.
It used to drive me mad, because I’d be bored stiff, wanting to talk or play some stupid game, and he’d just be sleeping.
So I squeezed the best part of a tube of superglue on the inside of the window, just before we set off and as soon as Will leant his head against the window, he realised something wasn’t right. ’
‘Oh my God, what happened?’
‘A bald patch the size of a two-pound coin for Will, a month’s grounding for me and a punch in the guts when he eventually got free.
But that’s brotherly love for you.’ They’d both laughed and then Nathan had turned to look at her.
‘Maybe it’s just as well I haven’t had any kids of my own; God knows what kind of monsters I’d have created. ’
‘From what I’ve seen with Leo, you’d have made a great dad and you’ve still got time to meet someone you want to start a family with.
’ She’d held his gaze for a moment and then she’d broken into another one of those disarming smiles.
‘Just make sure the strongest glue you have in the house is a Pritt Stick!’
All he’d intended to do was share a funny anecdote, but Rowan had still managed to challenge his thinking about what the future might hold.
He’d almost come to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t be a father, but he’d never really asked himself why he’d drawn such a line under the possibility when he’d gone to prison.
Nathan had allowed it to become the full stop to so many aspects of his life.
He’d sold the home he’d worked so hard to create when he’d split with Nicole, all the plans they’d had for starting a family walking out of the door with her.
When they’d got married, he couldn’t ever have imagined this would be his future, or that he’d be happier now, in the building site he called home, than he’d ever been with her.
When Nicole had decided to leave while he was still waiting to be sentenced, Nathan hadn’t been sure how he could possibly be happy again, but then he realised he didn’t miss her the way he should and he knew she’d made the right decision for both of them.
What was that saying? That life happens when you’re busy making plans.
It certainly had to Nathan, and just because there was no longer a plan set out for having children, it didn’t mean that it couldn’t still happen one day.
It was just one of the things his conversations with Rowan had helped him to realise and he’d come to value her friendship in the last few weeks more than he’d ever have imagined possible.
They might have been thrown together by her desire to help her son settle into a new life in Port Agnes, and the amount of responsibility he had taken on for Leo with Heather so close to having the baby, but whatever the reasons a friendship of their own had undeniably grown out of it.
‘Did you hear what I said, or are you just ignoring me because you don’t think I’ll like the answer to my question? You think she’d never go out with you because you’ve been to prison, don’t you?’ Will had been waiting for a response and he wasn’t going to let him off the hook.
Nathan shook his head. ‘It’s not even something I think about, because I’m never going to ask her out. I value her friendship far too much for that. So stop worrying. We said we wouldn’t keep raking over this.’
‘I know, but if you hadn’t gone to prison, things would have been so different and it feels so wrong that no one but us knows the whole story, not even Heather or Mum.’
‘We agreed that was the best solution for everyone and nothing has changed to convince me otherwise.’
‘The best solution for everyone but you. You were the one who lost everything and it’s not right that no one knows why.’ Will swallowed hard enough for Nathan to hear it, and he reached out and squeezed his brother’s shoulder.
‘I’m happy, Will, I promise you that. Nicole showed me who she really was, and I love how the byre is shaping up.
The house I had before was her dream home, not mine.
This time it’s going to be all me and my back garden is the place where we used to camp out as kids.
The only downside is the neighbours.’ He grinned and Will’s face finally seemed to relax.
‘Yeah, sorry, we’re a lot to put up with and we’ll be throwing a crying baby into the mix soon too.’
‘I can’t wait.’ Nathan already knew just how much he was going to love the new addition to the family, because the bond he had with Leo was something he felt right to his core.
It made the consequences of the crime that had been committed worth it a thousand times over, no matter what they continued to be.
* * *
Rowan wasn’t sure she’d ever felt quite so physically tired, but it was a state of almost blissful exhaustion.
When Nathan had suggested that she and the kids join him and Leo at a Waves 4 Everyone activity, she hadn’t expected to end up trying surfing herself, much less discovering she had a bit of a talent for it.
Growing up on the Cornish Coast, she should have tried surfing years ago, but back then Rowan had far too often missed out altogether rather than risking making a fool of herself.
She was still that person in some ways, but it was funny how having children could force you to override so many of your own insecurities for their sake and that was exactly why she’d ended up finally giving surfing a go.
‘Everyone is going to laugh when I fall off. I don’t want to do it.
’ Theo had clung to her side, looking every bit as anxious and upset as he had on the day she’d found him clinging to the tree on the edge of the school playground.
His friendship with Leo had done so much to help, but all those insecurities didn’t just disappear overnight.
The end of her relationship with James had clearly had a profound effect on their sensitive little boy and it didn’t help that there were some children in his class who seemed to have an innate ability to hone in on his anxiety and do and say whatever they could to make it worse.
There were some of the children from the school down on the beach with their families, making the most of the last days of unexpected sunshine and it had completely thrown Theo, who had decided he wasn’t going into the water now that they were here.
In that moment, Rowan had made a decision.
‘No one is going to laugh at you, they’ll all be far too busy laughing at me. What’s funnier than seeing the headteacher fall face first into the sea?’