Chapter 12 #3
Within minutes she’d squeezed herself into a borrowed wetsuit and her first few attempts to stay on the surfboard had ended up exactly how she’d expected.
She’d been able to hear the laughter of people on the beach, but she hadn’t cared a bit, because one of the people laughing had been Theo.
It was Nathan who’d eventually helped her to stay on the board and, once she’d got the hang of it, she’d found it far easier than she’d ever have thought.
The most disconcerting part of the process had been when Nathan had held her a couple of times to help steady her, and her body had reacted to his touch in a way she was glad no one but her would ever realise.
It had been so different to when James touched her.
If he’d helped her in that situation, all she’d have felt was a steadying hand and relief that she might not be about to fall again.
When Nathan had held her, it was as though he was touching every part of her, her nerve endings tingling in response, and there’d been a physical ache when he’d let go again because that brief instance of his hands on her body hadn’t been enough.
She had to put it down to the lack of intimacy she’d had with James for so long making her vulnerable to every little thing.
Rowan couldn’t accept that it was all about Nathan, because if she did she’d be travelling back down that dangerous path she was determined to avoid.
Theo had eventually taken to the water too and had ended up loving it just as much as his mum.
Leo was a superstar, who’d clearly been doing this a long time, and even though he couldn’t stand on the board, it was clear just how much joy it brought him to be in the water, taking part in an activity he loved.
Nathan was endlessly patient with everyone, making them laugh when they were nervous or if they got things wrong.
The way he treated people and made everyone feel at ease was the most attractive thing about him, which said a lot given just how good he looked in a wetsuit.
He looked pretty good now too, as she crossed the garden towards where he was sitting, his face illuminated by the glow of the fire pit in front of him.
‘Are the kids okay?’ Nathan looked up at her and she couldn’t help thinking how nice the words sounded, almost as if he was talking about their family together.
‘Yes, they’re all watching Wonka for the umpteenth time, and Bluey is stretched out on Leo’s lap, of course.
That dog never wants to be anywhere else when Leo is around.
’ They were looking after Bluey for her mum and Dean, who were away at a spa hotel in Dorset for the weekend.
Tiffany had come along to have a sleepover with Bella, and Rowan had asked Nathan and Leo if they wanted to come back for a takeaway too, as a thank you for the surf lessons.
The cottage they were renting had bifold doors from the garden to the open-plan living area, which made access easy for Leo’s wheelchair and it was one of the reasons she’d enquired with the landlord about extending their lease.
Everyone had been ravenous after an afternoon in the water and the takeaway had been demolished in less than twenty minutes. After dinner the children had asked if they could watch a movie, with Bella taking charge of gathering together enough snacks to feed a small army.
‘You’re not going to watch it too, are you?’ She’d wrinkled her nose at the sight of her mother and Nathan still hanging around as the film was about to start. ‘You keep saying you’re going to try out the fire pit.’
It was a none-too-subtle hint from her daughter, who she was now absolutely convinced was a thirty-year-old trapped in a ten-year-old’s body, but Nathan had smiled and said it sounded like a lovely idea.
So now here they were, outside on their own, sitting under a blanket of stars in the flickering light of a fire pit.
It couldn’t have been more romantic and the idea terrified Rowan, mostly because she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss Nathan again, ever since he’d come back into her life.
‘Leo loves Bluey so much. I keep thinking I should take the plunge again, but losing my last dog really broke me up.’
‘I’m so sorry you lost your dog and I really understand what you mean.
We had a therapy dog at Membory Grange. It was an idea I introduced shortly after I took over as head.
So many of the kids who become boarders at a young age struggle and, for the really young ones, it’s almost like an attachment disorder.
So I thought getting Basil would help. He was a cross between a Poodle and a Jack Russell, and he loved the kids as much as they loved him.
I’m sure he heard more of their problems than the school therapist, and the truth is I loved him too.
I cried into his fur when my marriage was breaking down and I feel guilty for leaving him behind.
I just hope he doesn’t think I’ve abandoned him. ’
‘I’m sure he doesn’t, but I feel like that’s what I did to Chester.
I took him everywhere and he was my shadow his whole life, then overnight I disappeared.
I went to prison and that was hard for everyone.
I thought the worry might kill Mum, and I know it really upset Leo that I wasn’t around.
All of that was way harder to contend with than the sentence itself, but at least they understood where I’d gone and that I’d be back eventually.
Chester didn’t understand that. Nobody could explain it to him, and he died while I was in prison.
His kidneys had been failing, but he was doing okay until I just suddenly disappeared and then he went downhill really quickly.
It was almost as if he decided life wasn’t worth living any more.
I did that to him. The choices I made broke my mother’s heart and made Leo sad, but my biggest guilt is the fact that Chester thought I’d just walked out of his life.
He’d been my constant companion for well over a decade and then one day I just wasn’t there any more. ’
‘It wasn’t your fault and I’m sure your family would have given Chester the very best care.
’ The stinging sensation in Rowan’s eyes had nothing to do with the heat from the fire pit.
Tears were prickling, but she couldn’t allow them to fall.
Nathan carried so much guilt, and she had no doubt now that he deserved the right to move on, but his sentence had left scars no one could see.
She just wished she could find the words to make that better.
‘I know they did, but I loved him so much, probably more than it’s sensible for anyone to love a dog, given that the chances are they aren’t going to be around for long.
But it’s so difficult not to let them get under your skin, when they know how to be loyal and loving in a way that not a lot of people do.
So it’s hard to risk putting my heart on the line like that again, you know? ’
‘I do.’ Rowan stared into the fire pit, the words she was desperate to say almost escaping from her throat, even as she tried to weigh up whether she really should confide in Nathan, but then he knew better than anyone what it was like to be the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons, and she felt she could trust him not to repeat anything she told him.
‘James is going to be coming to Port Agnes.’
‘Oh.’ Rowan could see the muscle going in Nathan’s cheek in the flickering firelight. ‘Are you two going to give things another try?’
‘God no, there’s no going back after what happened.
He wants to see the kids, but he’s told us he’s coming a couple of times and then something comes up, but now he’s definitely coming in the second part of half term week.
I’ve found him an Airbnb. He wanted to stay here, but I didn’t think that would work.
’ As she looked at Nathan again, the tension seemed to drain from his face.
‘That’s good, isn’t it? I’m sure the kids will want to see him too, and I can understand you not wanting him to stay here. I couldn’t think of anything worse than having to be under the same roof as Nicole.’
‘Exactly.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I’m not good at being in the same room as someone who lied to me the way he did.’
‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’ The gentle tone of Nathan’s voice was enough to convince her that she did want to talk about it.
‘He had an affair.’ It was a relief to finally say the words out loud and to know that Nathan was the last person who’d go around spreading gossip about why her marriage had ended.
‘Then he’s an idiot.’ His eyes didn’t leave her face, but she could easily have lowered her gaze or looked away like she had so many times before.
Except this time she didn’t. This time she did the one thing she’d been longing to do for weeks and pressed her mouth against his, gently at first, but then more urgently, vague traces of a citrusy aftershave mingling with the woody smoke in the air, and her body flushing with a heat that had nothing to do with their fire.
If they’d been alone, there was no way of telling what would have happened, but she knew what she wanted to happen.
Except they weren’t alone, and she forced herself to pull away from him, immediately looking over her shoulder to make sure the children hadn’t suddenly appeared.
It was just a kiss, but no one wanted to see their mother kissing, especially someone who wasn’t their father.
‘Well, that was unexpected.’ Nathan grinned and suddenly the woman who’d been brave enough to make the first move was back.
‘But not unwelcome?’
‘Definitely not. I’ve been waiting to do that again for well over twenty years, and I’ve got to say it was even better than last time.’
‘That’s down to you, because I certainly haven’t had a lot of practice.
’ The words were out of Rowan’s mouth before she could stop them this time.
James had never been keen on kissing, which made a lot of sense now.
She remembered reading an article once about how sex workers often didn’t kiss their clients, reserving that for the people they loved, because it felt far more intimate than sex itself.
Maybe James had felt the same way. Either way, it meant the kissing in their marriage had been a series of perfunctory exchanges – accompanied by hellos and goodbyes – and that the kiss she’d had with Nathan when she was sixteen had remained the best kiss of her life, until now.
He was looking at her quizzically now and she had to offer him some kind of explanation that wouldn’t immediately give away the fact her marriage had been a sham.
‘James was my only proper boyfriend. So I never got the chance to kiss a lot of frogs, I just married the first one who asked me instead.’
‘You definitely don’t need any practice, although I guess we should make sure that wasn’t just luck.
’ There was a glint in Nathan’s eye and his obvious desire for her made him even more attractive.
She should just laugh it off, this wasn’t the right time in her life to start giving in to her feelings, and Nathan almost certainly wasn’t the right person.
Yet she couldn’t deny she liked him, and not just because he was gorgeous and made her feel like she was too.
It meant she couldn’t laugh it off, because she didn’t want to stop feeling this way – as if a part of her that had been left to die was suddenly being reawakened.
‘I think you’re probably right. We need to make sure it wasn’t a fluke, but next time it needs to be when we’re on our own. If the kids saw us…’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t want them worrying and they still haven’t really come to terms with the fact that James and I aren’t together any more.’
‘It’s okay. I think if Leo saw us, he’d be thrilled because it would mean he got to spend even more time with Theo.
Although I’d be worried about him getting ahead of himself and thinking we’ll all end up as one big happy family.
’ Nathan laughed and she suspected he was right.
Maybe it was wrong to use that to her advantage, but if it meant saving Nathan from the pain of the truth, she could justify it to herself.
‘Theo might be the same and it probably won’t just be the kids who get ideas into their heads, especially when it comes to our mums. So if we are going to go out without the children, to see if this was just one kiss or whether it might be something more, maybe we should keep it to ourselves for now.
At least until we know if there’s anything to tell anyone else. ’
‘You want to meet in secret? For the kids’ sake?
’ His eyes were locked on hers and she was certain he could tell she was lying, and that the reason she wanted to keep this a secret wasn’t just for the children, but because of the way people would talk if they knew something was going on between Rowan and Nathan.
She forced herself to hold his gaze, nodding slowly, and then he shrugged.
‘It’s a good idea, like you say, at least until we know if there’s anything to tell. ’
He leant forward and brushed his lips against hers this time, a moment that was over almost before it had begun, in keeping with the spirit of the agreement they’d just reached, and it left her wanting more.
She didn’t want to think about whether keeping this secret would doom the chances of it working out before it even began.
She was just going to do her best to enjoy it for what it was and for once in her life not worry about what the consequences might be.