Chapter 17 #2
Nathan stared at the message for a moment, trying to process all the implications and read between the lines.
He’d known that James was coming for a few days, but it was Saturday and he hadn’t been due to arrive until Tuesday.
But Rowan’s husband had shown up early and he was clearly upset.
She had to make that her priority, the rational part of him understood that, but he still wished it wasn’t true and the words ‘I can’t leave him’ felt like they were written ten times larger than the rest. When he glanced across at Leo and saw the excitement on his nephew’s face, he didn’t want to tell him about the change of plans because he knew that look would disappear.
Even though he had every intention of taking Leo to the cinema and giving him the best day possible, it wouldn’t be the same without Theo and Rowan.
Nathan didn’t even want to think about how her text had left him feeling, because he’d sworn to himself, after Nicole, that he’d never allow his happiness to depend on another person.
Yet in barely three months of having Rowan back in his life, Nathan had allowed it to happen.
It was funny how little he’d learned from the lessons that life had tried so hard to teach him, but one thing was certain, the smile he’d been so desperately trying to hide had disappeared all by itself.
* * *
Rowan wanted to cry at how upset Leo must have been after her text.
It had been bad enough seeing the disappointment on her own children’s faces, when she’d told Theo they were staying at home, and Bella that she’d had to call Tiffany’s mum to come and collect her.
But the two of them had seen their father sobbing on the doorstep, so at least they understood why.
Part of her wanted to kill James for turning up like that and not being able to hold it together in front of them.
She’d never wanted them to witness anything that might tip a horrible situation into something truly traumatic.
There’d been times after discovering his affair, when trying to hold in her pain in front of the kids had felt like it was going to kill her, but she’d done it.
Now she’d been forced to let her children down, and hurt Leo and Nathan in the process, all because the man standing in front of her couldn’t deal with the consequences of his own actions.
‘I’m sorry, Row. I just had to leave and the Airbnb is booked out to someone else until Tuesday, so I had nowhere else to go.
’ There were tears in James’s eyes, but she felt almost nothing as she looked at him.
He’d cried when she’d confronted him about the affair, but all the tears had been for himself; at how hard he’d fought against his feelings for other men, until Euan had come along and he just couldn’t do it any more.
Despite her own pain, she’d felt his too and had understood how his upbringing had shaped the choices he’d made.
But he’d never cried because of what he’d done to her, or the choices he’d taken away from Rowan with his lies.
Far worse than that was the fact he’d never cried when he’d talked about not living with their children any more.
The realisation had made it far easier to leave and take them with her.
A part of her heart had hardened towards him and it was why she didn’t feel as sorry for James as he did for himself.
The situation was a mess and there were no winners, but what her children needed would outrank her sympathy for him every time.
James had claimed to be desperate to see them on several occasions, but in the end he’d been able to wait a whole three months.
Rowan could never have done that. Three days without her children would have felt like a lifetime, but three months would have been unbearable.
She already knew desperation to see the children wasn’t the reason he’d turned up early, she just needed to know what was.
‘What do you mean you had nowhere else to go? Why couldn’t you just stay at Membory Grange for three more days like you planned?’
‘Everyone knows.’ James gave a shuddering sigh and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘I’ve been up all night, and this morning I just got in my car and left. Euan doesn’t even know I’ve gone.’
‘I see.’ Rowan thought about her old friends and colleagues, and the parents at the school, some of whom would revel in any kind of scandal.
She doubted that Odette and Pippa would have deliberately spread gossip, but they would have told their husbands, both of whom worked at the school.
There had been rumours flying about as soon as Rowan had handed in her notice and James was never going to be able to shut them down forever.
They’d both known that this day would come.
It was time the children knew the truth.
They were good kids, and they’d want their dad to be happy, something he was very far from being right now. The secret was clearly eating away at him and he’d found out the hard way that these things had a habit of coming out no matter how much you tried to keep them hidden.
‘I had a parent come up to me on the last day of term and tell me how disgusting it was that I had the audacity to stand up in chapel and lead a service when I was living a life of such appalling sin. He said he was intending to talk to the new head and that he was going to ask the church to have me removed, not just from my job but as an ordained priest.’ James let his head drop back for a moment, swallowing so hard against his emotions that Rowan would have sworn she saw them lodge in his throat.
‘He told me it sickened him that I’d been allowed to teach the children about religious education and personal and social studies.
He said I should be ashamed and the look on his face was one of pure revulsion. ’
‘There’s only one person who should be ashamed and that’s him.
’ Rowan might have a lot of feelings about her estranged husband, anger being right at the top of the list, but she didn’t agree with anything that man had said to James.
Shame was what had got him into this mess and forced him to hide who he really was.
But he was excellent at his job, even if it had sometimes come at the expense of his own children.
There was only one way to fight back against people like that man and it was with the truth.
‘It was easy for him to make you feel ashamed because you’re hiding the truth as if your sexuality really is something to be ashamed of.
But it isn’t. If you’re honest and show the world that it’s not something that needs to be hidden, you take away all power from people like that.
You can’t let him or anyone like him stop you from living the life you want to live. ’
‘So what, you think I should have stayed at Membory Grange and organised a parade down the high street, waving my rainbow flag as I went?’ He gave a brittle laugh that didn’t have a trace of genuine humour behind it.
‘Maybe one day you should, but for now I think it would be enough to be honest with the people who really matter. Talk to the school and the church before that man does, and tell the kids while you’re here.’
James widened his eyes and shook his head. ‘You’re not serious, are you? I can’t tell the children, I wouldn’t have any idea where to start and if I get it wrong it’ll just make things worse.’
He seemed genuinely shocked that Rowan would suggest honesty, but when lies had caused as much damage as his had it seemed like the only solution.
‘Telling the truth won’t make things worse, it gives you a starting point for rebuilding your relationship with the children as who you really are.
I think you’ll get far closer to them that way than you ever will if you keep up a pretence.
As for the school and the church, you can’t control how they’ll react, but they’re going to find out anyway and it would be far better coming from you. ’
‘What if the children hate me? I couldn’t stand it if they hated me.
’ He bit his lip and she forced herself to take a deep breath before responding.
True to form, his question wasn’t about the impact on them, but how their feelings might affect him.
When they were together, his inability to put the children first hadn’t been nearly so obvious, but since moving back to Port Agnes it was hard to believe she hadn’t always seen it.
‘They’re not going to hate you. They’re both good, kind kids and you saw how upset they were at seeing you like this. They just need to know you’re okay and how much you love them. It’s all kids ever really need to hear.’
‘Will you be there with me?’ His eyes were pleading and she nodded. Part of her wanted to force him to be the adult in this situation and to find the backbone he suddenly seemed to be completely lacking, but she had no idea if that was the right thing for Theo or Bella.
‘I will, but there’s someone else you have to tell, now that so many other people already know.’ She held his gaze as he shook his head, fresh tears filling his eyes.
‘I can’t tell my father. I just can’t. He’ll never speak to me again.’ James looked so much like Theo in that moment that her heart softened again and she reached out to take his hand.
‘You’ve got to, because if you don’t you’re going to lose Euan and that would make everything we went through seem so much more pointless.
I know you love him like you’ve never really loved anyone else.
’ She held up her hand as he tried to protest; denying it would have been an insult.
‘Don’t throw that away, because not everyone gets it.
If you have to choose between Euan and your father, the way I see it there’s only one choice.
Euan loves the real you, your dad doesn’t even know that person, but the least you can do is give him the chance to surprise you and tell you he’s willing to try. ’
‘I wish I could have loved you the way I love Euan.’ James looked at her for a moment and she knew he meant it.
He’d said it before, when everything had first come to light.
She’d known then that a big part of it was because it would have made things much easier for James.
But hurting her hadn’t been deliberate, she knew that too and now that they were this much further down the line, most of the anger she felt was about the impact on the children, not her.
No matter what James’s shortcomings might be and no matter how much discovering the truth had hurt, she’d always be grateful that he’d tried to love her, because without that there’d have been no Bella or Theo.
That was something she didn’t even want to imagine.