Chapter 19
It was one week into the half term before Christmas and yet it felt like months since Rowan had had a break.
Spending most of half term with James had been tricky enough.
She’d done it partly because he’d seemed so fragile, and somehow she found herself feeling she still owed him her support, but the biggest motivation for it had been the children.
Spending so much time with James had been an attempt to fast forward them to a point where they could have some kind of friendship again, at least enough to co-parent amicably.
She didn’t want Bella and Theo to experience years of tension, like she had, or ever feel they had to choose a side.
There’d been times since he’d arrived that the last thing she wanted to do was to spend another moment in James’s company, but she’d pushed through the awkwardness and the sensation that her husband was a stranger she’d never really known at all.
It had undoubtedly been easier to let go of some of her anger towards James because of how she felt about Nathan.
She had no idea yet if their fledging relationship would go anywhere.
Even so, it had already taught her that what she and James had was just as wrong for her as it had been for him.
He might have lied to her about his sexuality, but she’d lied to herself that she was happy with things the way they’d been.
James had never made her pulse race the way Nathan did, and he’d never been able to make her laugh in quite the way Nathan did either.
More than that, it was Nathan’s ability to put Leo’s needs above his own that set him apart from James.
He was the kind of man she should have children with, and she was more certain than ever that whatever he’d done to land himself in prison, it hadn’t been for personal gain.
All of that made it easier to be around James; he hadn’t ruined their perfect life together, because they’d never had one.
That didn’t make everything between them plain sailing and Rowan’s biggest concern was giving the children any mixed messages about how things might work out in the future.
She didn’t want them to be confused and it felt more and more like they needed to know that there was no chance of their parents ever getting back together.
She and James had sat up talking until the early hours of the morning, three days after he’d turned up on the doorstep and he’d finally agreed to tell them the truth, before they inevitably heard it from someone else.
Now that more people at their old school knew about James and Euan, it was only a matter of time before someone found a way to let them know.
He’d promised to tell them before he left, but things hadn’t gone the way they’d discussed at all.
‘I’ve decided not to go back to Membory Grange.’ James had made the announcement on the last day of the school holiday and Rowan had known that things were about to get even more complicated.
‘You can’t just quit. Where will you live?’
‘I thought I could stay here for a while.’
Rowan was sure her mouth must have dropped open. ‘What here, here? In this house?’
‘Just until I can get things sorted. I promised to tell the children everything, and I will, but I don’t want to have to rush it because I’m supposed to be back at school.
’ James had shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, staring at the floor for a moment before finally raising his gaze to meet hers again.
‘I’ve been thinking about applying to oversee my own parish eventually, somewhere they can accept my relationship with Euan, but I’ll need to tell my father before I can even think about talking to the church. ’
‘You’re going to tell your father that you’re gay?
’ Despite her suggestion that he needed to be honest with the people who mattered, she’d felt certain that he’d back out of talking to his father.
The fact that he was actually going to do it had shocked Rowan so much it had stolen the rest of the words she’d been about to say to James, that there was no way he could stay with her and the children at the cottage.
She had a strong suspicion he wanted her support when he spoke to Michael, but it wasn’t her job to be there when he needed her any more, and James couldn’t just lean on her whenever he felt like it.
She was glad he was finally showing some signs of doing more than wallowing in his own self-pity, but she needed to be careful that he didn’t try to involve her in his problems. They weren’t partners any more, except when it came to raising the children.
‘I want to tell him, I really do, but I just don’t know if I can. First of all, he needs to know we’re getting a divorce.’
‘He doesn’t even know that?’ She’d widened her eyes, astonished that James had managed to keep the news from his father for so long.
‘He knows we’re separated, but I got lecture after lecture from him about the seriousness of the commitment we made and how much damage us splitting up will do to the children.
’ James had sighed deeply. ‘I think if he could just see how well we’re managing this and how happy and settled the kids are, he might be able to accept the divorce and then maybe – eventually – he might be able to accept the rest.’
A surge of annoyance had made Rowan’s scalp prickle for a moment.
James had precisely nothing to do with how well the children were handling the break-up, or settling into their new life in Port Agnes, but that was him all over and he was never going to change.
It was far easier to let it go now she knew she’d never have to live with him again, or listen to all the delusions he spouted in an attempt to cover up his inadequacies as a parent.
He’d had that expression on his face too, the one that made him look so much like Theo it was impossible to harden her heart towards him as much as she knew she should. ‘Do you really think he ever will?’
‘Maybe not, but at least this way he’ll know the children are okay and even if he decides he never wants to speak to me again, I want him to know that what I’ve done hasn’t ruined their lives.’ James had caught hold of her hand. ‘Because it hasn’t, has it? Please tell me it hasn’t?’
‘It hasn’t.’ His shoulders had slumped with relief and it had seemed in that moment as though he was finally able to put the children before himself. She’d been about to hug him, when he’d uttered a sentence that had made her mouth drop open in shock for a second time.
‘I just hope my father can see it that way, because he’s coming to stay next week.’
‘Please tell me you haven’t invited him to stay in my house.
’ Her voice had been icy and all the good work they’d done over the past week to forge some kind of new relationship had been perilously close to obliteration.
If he’d said yes or even nodded, she wasn’t sure she’d have been able to be responsible for her actions.
So it was a very good job that James had shaken his head.
‘I’ve booked him a room at the pub by the harbour, but I thought maybe we could invite him to spend a day with us as a family, so that he can see how well we’re managing things with the children.’
The thought filled her with dread. Her father-in-law had always been a difficult man and Rowan had never had a close relationship with him, but she figured she could get through one day if it meant James felt ready to leave sooner rather than later.
‘Okay, but one day and that’s it. Are you going to speak to the children about Euan before your dad comes here? ’
‘I thought it might be better to wait until he’s gone. I don’t want them to have to keep it a secret and I’m not ready to tell him yet. If he’s ever going to have the slightest chance of accepting this, I need to take it one stage at a time and tell him about the divorce first.’
That was how she’d found herself agreeing to allow James to stay with her and the children for another week, and it was also how she’d ended up agreeing to spend the first Saturday of the new half term with her soon-to-be ex-father-in-law.
Michael had been ensconced in the room at the pub since Wednesday evening and James had taken him out for lunch the following day to explain that he and Rowan had decided to formalise the end of their marriage.
It was a decision that had apparently been met with another lecture.
Between all of that and the usual demands of school restarting, Rowan hadn’t been able to spend any time with Nathan.
It was something she felt guilty about, but the fact that she missed speaking to him so much worried her too.
He was the person she wanted to talk to about everything that was going on more than anyone else.
She could have spoken to Pippa or Odette, but they knew nothing about her life in Port Agnes, or how it had been in the wake of her parents’ marriage breaking up.
They probably wouldn’t have understood her willingness to give James the space to manage this in his own way, so that their children could manage it in theirs.
She wanted Bella and Theo to be able to decide how much of their family life they shared with other people.
She could probably have spoken to Bex and Toni too, but the children deserved to know the truth about what was going on between their parents before anyone else found out.
She couldn’t talk to her mother, because it would upset Katrina to know just how much the ending of her parents’ marriage had affected her and how very differently she wanted to handle things.