Chapter 22 #2
Discovering that her husband was cheating on her would have been a huge knock to her self-esteem regardless of who his affair partner had been, but finding out that he’d fallen in love with another man had been a body blow she hadn’t been sure she could get up from at first. Logically, she knew that some of the feelings she had made no sense.
It wasn’t ‘her fault’ that he’d fallen in love with a man.
It was no one’s ‘fault’, it was just the way James had always felt but had never been able to admit.
That made the feeling that she was somehow less of a woman, because he’d rather be with a man, completely illogical.
She knew that, but it didn’t stop that feeling coming to her in waves over the weeks and months after the discovery.
Embarrassment had mixed in with those feelings too.
What would people say about a woman whose husband preferred another man to his wife?
It was another ridiculous thought. James had finally been true to himself, that was all, and he hadn’t had the strength to tell her.
Being the last to know that her marriage was over and that her husband loved someone else was humiliating.
It shouldn’t have been, because there was nothing she could have done differently to change that, but feelings and logic often didn’t go hand in hand.
When Nathan had said they should just be friends, she should have told him she didn’t want that, because she liked him in a way that went far beyond friendship and that she’d never felt the kind of attraction to James that she felt to him.
But that was difficult to admit even to herself, because in a way it made her just as complicit as James in the death of their marriage.
She might never have cheated, but she’d gone into it knowing she didn’t feel the kind of explosive attraction to him that she’d felt to Nathan.
She’d put that down to being a teenager when she’d fallen for Nathan first time around, with the kind of big all-encompassing feelings that couldn’t be replicated as an adult.
Only suddenly it felt like they could. She’d loved James, he’d been there for her in the wake of her parents’ marriage falling apart when she’d moved to London, and he was always there to listen to her problems and offer a shoulder to cry on.
James was the one she should have stayed just friends with.
They both knew that now, but she couldn’t regret it, even for a second, because of Theo and Bella.
What she did regret was not proving she trusted Nathan by telling him the truth about James from the start.
She was sure he’d have kept the secret if she’d asked him to.
It was too late for all of that now and he’d never believe that one of the reasons she still didn’t want to go public was to protect him.
There’d been the inevitable talk of affairs when she’d come back to Port Agnes without her husband, and she knew from Bex that a lot of people seemed to think it must have been her who’d slept with someone else.
After all, a chaplain would never do that kind of thing.
The people closest to Rowan knew that it was James who’d met someone else, but only her mother knew about Euan.
If people found out about her and Nathan, he was bound to be painted as the man who’d ruined her marriage.
It was easy to sling mud at someone like him, but he didn’t deserve it and she didn’t want her children to ever believe it was true, and to start hating the man who’d been nothing but kind to them.
She couldn’t think about Nathan any more, because all she was doing was going around and around in circles.
She’d just have to try and learn to live with the knowledge that she’d blown it and accept that all they could ever be was friends.
For now she was focusing on getting James to face up to his own mistakes, so that there was a chance of them one day going back to being friends too.
‘What did your uncle say? Has Stephen spoken to your father?’ Rowan looked up as James came back downstairs after making a call to his father’s twin brother.
Michael hadn’t returned any of his son’s calls or answered his messages, and James had been beside himself with worry.
It had made it very difficult for her to push him to speak to the children, even though the conversation was long overdue, because he was still reeling from his father’s reaction.
‘Dad’s okay.’ James looked deathly pale and his hands were visibly shaking as he sat down with a thud on the armchair in the corner of the kitchen.
‘You’re not though, are you? You look terrible. What else did Stephen say?’
‘I’m just trying to process it all. It was such a shock and I still can’t believe it.’ James shook his head, staring straight ahead, but without seeming to see anything at all.
‘You’re scaring me now, just tell me what it was so that I know how I can help.’ Rowan had no idea what she could do if Michael had decided to cut James out of his life forever, but she didn’t want any more secrets.
‘Stephen told me he knew why my father reacted as badly as he did and why his homophobia goes far beyond anything his faith dictates.’ James locked eyes with her for the first time.
‘When the two of them were at boarding school, something happened with one of the housemasters. They weren’t the only ones it happened to, Stephen doesn’t think, but it was awful. They were only twelve years old.’
‘Oh my God.’ Rowan’s hand flew to her mouth.
‘He’s convinced that’s why Dad’s the way he is.
He can’t separate out what happened to him from sex in consenting relationships between gay men.
He’s tried speaking to Dad, and telling him that it doesn’t make any more sense than it would to despise heterosexual relationships if they’d been abused by a woman instead of a man.
But he thinks the reason Dad can’t accept that is because he’s never dealt with the trauma.
Stephen’s had counselling, but Dad buried himself in the church and, until the last couple of days, he refused to even talk about it or acknowledge that it happened. ’
‘But he is now?’ Rowan’s heartbeat was thudding in her ears; this was all so much to take in and it was no wonder James looked so shell-shocked.
‘A bit, but Stephen has made a big decision that he thinks will be the only way Dad will finally face up to what happened and accept that it was abuse and nothing to do with what happens between consenting adults.’ James let out a long breath.
‘Stephen’s going to tell the police. The housemaster is still alive, but he’s in his eighties and he might die before it ever comes to court, even if the police think there’s enough evidence.
Stephen said it doesn’t matter, and that he and Dad need to let go of the secret to stop it having any more power over them.
I told him it’s like what you said to me, about keeping my sexuality hidden.
Secrets just make everything toxic. Stephen said a counsellor told him that a long time ago, which was why he sat Auntie Jane down and told her everything that had happened.
He’s almost certain that Dad has never told anyone, though, and that it’s eaten away at him as a result.
He’s never been able to make the housemaster accountable for what he did, so he directed all his hatred to the wrong place instead. ’
‘That’s…’ Rowan could hardly catch her breath. ‘Your poor dad has been through hell, and Stephen too. I can’t bear to think about it, but it’s true, secrets can be toxic.’
‘I think we know that better than anyone.’ James got to his feet and took her hand. ‘I’m so sorry, Row, I wish I’d known how to be honest with you sooner and never put you through a marriage my heart wasn’t in.’
‘I don’t, because it gave me Bella and Theo, and for a long time it gave me my best friend. Who knows, maybe one day we can go back to that, especially now that you’re no longer having to keep things hidden that stopped you from really being there.’
‘I hope so and I know I need to start by being honest with the children.’
‘Right now?’
‘Yes, right now. I’ve put it off for far too long and if Stephen can face going to the police, talking to our wonderful kids, who we both know probably won’t even be fazed, is nothing in comparison.’
‘They won’t, because they’re brilliant and they love you, and all they’ll care about is that you’re happy.’
‘They want you to be happy too and so do I, more than anything. It’s the only way I’ll ever have a chance of forgiving myself.’ James squeezed her hand again.
‘You telling the kids will be a good start to that. Do you want me to be there with you?’
‘No, it’s okay, I want them to be able to come to you and ask any questions without feeling like they need to protect my feelings.’ James smiled. ‘What is it they say? Teamwork makes the dream work, and we can still be a team, can’t we? When it comes to the kids?’
‘I’d really like that.’ She leant forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
Whatever happened with Michael, and even with Nathan, she was glad that she and James had reached this point in their relationship as quickly as they had.
As long as the kids were okay, that was all that mattered and she could find a way to be happy too, she was almost sure of it.