Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
AIDEN
I’m surprised at the space I’ve been given these last few days.
As I stare out the window, Zeus on my lap, both of us watching the snow fall, I think about everything that’s happened to me and everything that’s brought me to this moment. From the time I was born, from the suffering I endured in my childhood, to the recent turn of events, I just can’t stop thinking about fate.
Am I just one of those souls that’s meant to suffer? Was it always my destiny to end up here— a prisoner, broken and beaten, missing something he shouldn't?
And I do miss it. That’s the worst part of all of this. I miss Levi. I hate him, but I want him, and isn’t that the worst punishment of it all? Wanting the pain, wanting the pleasure, wanting the madness of it all. That’s what has my mind on this tailspin. I promised myself I’d never be like the monsters that tried to ruin my life and, with Levi, I don’t think I could stop the inevitable.
I’d give in fully. I’d surrender myself to the darkness I fear. I’d turn into something I don’t recognize, and I don’t think I could live like that. I twirl his knife in my hand, pressing the blunt tip against my wrist, and imagine how easy it would be to just flick it and end everything.
But that’s not how it’s going to go.
The door creaks open, and I don’t bother turning to see who it is. Gore and Bel have come by to keep me company these last couple of days, even Asi has delivered food, but I can sense the presence in the room like it’s my own.
Levi always makes me feel more than human. More than a man. It’s his aura that’s both distinctive and uncomfortable, and I don’t think I’ll ever lose that feeling around him, like I’m in the presence of evil itself.
“Hey,” I mumble, still looking out the window, watching the families go about their days, curious if they know the true horrors that lie within this home.
Levi hesitates and I can tell he’s still standing by the door after I hear the soft click of the lock. “Are you better now?”
I snort. I think he means do I forgive him or have I forgotten what he’s done to me. While my body is healing, my mind and my heart can’t. He’s pushed me to my breaking point, and I think I always knew he would, I just never imagined it’d be this one.
“I need you to do something for me,” I whisper, hearing his footsteps as he approaches me.
He settles his hands on my shoulders, rubbing them as he kisses the top of my head and sighs in relief. “Of course, little lamb.”
“I want you to kill me.”
I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think I’m ready. I don’t want to be a part of the bullshit sacrifice that’s led to this moment, but I’m ready to be gone. I’d rather be dead than be stuck in this limbo of doubt. Especially because falling back into Levi’s arms is just too tempting to ignore.
His hands tense. “The Winter Solstice is?—”
“No.” Giving Zeus a quick peck on the forehead, I gently set him on the floor. “I want you to do it now.”
“Aiden…” I finally turn to look at him and his silver eyes are full of disbelief. His jaw is dropped like he doesn’t know what to say. “Why?”
“My reasons are my reasons,” I explain, taking one of his hands off my shoulder so I can place the knife in his palm. “All you have to do is kill me.”
I can’t do it myself. I tried. Levi’s room doesn’t lack weapons, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually use any of them. He was right about one thing. He was always meant to be my killer, and I’m okay with that now.
He takes the knife, gulping as he helps me stand. “You’re sure?”
I nod. “Positive. I’m ready.”
He hesitates, indecision warring in his eyes, eyes that are filled with nothing but sadness, and I’m trying to figure out if he knows that’s what he’s feeling. Before he can say anything else, I go to the bed and lie down, holding my wrists out for him. I don’t know if that’s how he’s going to want to do it.
Maybe he’ll plunge the knife in my heart. He could slit my throat. I don’t know all the creative ways he’s thought about, but I just hope it’s quick. I hope he at least grants me that small mercy after everything he’s done to me.
He places the knife against my chin, and I get my answer. The knife is trembling, nicking me a bit, and I didn’t expect him to be nervous. This is what he wanted, right? He said my soul was his to take. Maybe his tremors are due to excitement and anticipation. I honestly don’t fucking know anymore.
“I’ll treasure you forever, my little lamb,” he whispers, bending down to press a kiss on my forehead, and I feel a drop of moisture on my skin. “Your soul is safe with me.”
I nod and close my eyes, bracing myself for the pain. For the sweet relief. For the darkness I’ll happily embrace.
I wait and wait and wait.
But nothing happens.
“Levi?” I ask, opening my eyes. “Do it.”
He nods, once again bracing the knife against my skin. His nostrils are flaring, every part of him twitching, but still nothing.
“I—” He curses, dropping the knife beside my head. “I can’t.”
All my blood rushes to my face. “What do you mean you can’t?”
He shakes his head, his eyes pained as he slaps the side of his head. “No… No. I can’t do it. Aiden, I can’t have you leave me.”
“You’re so fucking selfish,” I say, shocked beyond words. “You’d rather I live like this than put me out of my misery?”
“I can’t lose you,” he cries, falling to his knees as he tries to gather me in his arms. “Fuck, I didn’t know it’d feel like this. I didn’t think I’d…” He lifts his face, trying to kiss me. “I can’t fucking do it.”
A rage I’ve never known fills me. It’s so poisonous it burns my own heart. I don’t want to be here! I don’t want to live! Why can’t he just fucking do it? “Kill me, Leviathan.”
“No!” he shouts, growing more and more erratic. “Don’t leave me, Aiden!”
“Fuck you!” I spit, punching his shoulder. “Fuck you for taking me! Fuck you for wanting me! And fuck you for not having the balls to finish it! Fuck you, Levi!”
And, as if possessed, something comes over me.
MAKE HIM PAY!
LET US OUT!
FUCK!
Everything bubbles and burns. The cage everything stays hidden in opens. I feel a rush of power and adrenaline and frustration and I do the only thing I can think of.
“It’s our little secret.”
I take the knife in my hands and stab him.
He falls back, clutching at the knife in his shoulder, looking at me with nothing but shock. I drop my jaw, completely taken aback by what I did. I’ve never felt so unhinged before, so ready to commit murder, so completely unleashed.
I stand, towering over him for the first time since we’ve met, and I find myself wondering how easy it would be to take his life instead. He would deserve it, wouldn’t he? He’s a sick twisted fucker who took everything from me. Instead of ending my own life, I should end his. It’d be payback for what he’s put me through. Maybe I’d even find satisfaction in it.
“You… You stabbed me,” he gasps, looking down to watch the blood drip down his fingers. “You fucking stabbed me.”
I hold my ground steady, fighting the urge to apologize, and fighting the need to do much more. “Yes.”
“Do you want to kill me, Aiden?” he asks, cocking his head as he stands, getting far too close, his forehead bumping against mine.
I gulp and my hand snaps up to grab the handle of the knife, twisting it until his knees buckle and he falls again. I fall with him, straddling him with my hand still poised over the knife. “I do.”
“Why don’t you do it then?” He smiles, a laugh escaping him as I press down harder. “Fuck, little lamb. Just like that. Doesn’t it feel good?”
It feels far too good and words can’t describe it. I don’t know what to do with myself. I try to fight it, I try to reel myself back, I try to tell myself that this isn’t me.
LIAR!
But maybe it is.
FEEL IT!
I rip the knife out and hold it over his heart, ready, so fucking ready, so?—
GIVE IN!
I crash my lips against his, fucking my tongue into his mouth, and drop the knife.
Levi doesn’t waste a second before he’s flipping me onto my back. Pain radiates through every part of me but that doesn’t stop me from locking my legs around his waist and pulling him down on top of me.
“See,” he mumbles against my lips, a sinister look of wicked victory in his eyes. “Made for each other. Always. Forever.”
While I don’t know if that’s true, I just know what my mind is compelling me to do. I shut him up with my mouth, stopping him from saying something that’ll make me bash his fucking brains in. I devour him, letting him take over me, and I fall.
Fall, fall, fall until I crash into my fate.
And, deep down I know that I won’t be able to look back.