Chapter Twenty
Jonathan
I was halfway through a phone call with the local garage to get the hearse booked in for its annual service and MOT, trying to figure out a date that wouldn’t be disruptive, when the door to Winchester & Sons swung open.
We didn’t have any appointments booked, but it wasn’t unheard of for people to drop in and ask questions, although a Tuesday lunchtime was unusual timing.
I glanced up, prepared to indicate to our visitor that I’d be with them in a second, and my heart skipped when I saw who it was.
Alfie stood in a patch of sunlight, dressed in a Sword & Flame T-shirt and shorts, with a backpack over his shoulder, looking more relaxed than I’d seen him in the last few weeks.
He smiled and lifted his hand to half-wave at me, and I suddenly found myself completely tongue-tied without any idea what the woman on the end of the phone was saying.
“Er, yes, the twenty-third then… no, then twenty-fourth, sorry. Yes, that’s perfect.
We’ll drop it off by eight. Thank you,” I said, making a note so I could put it into the diary later.
Even though we used an online calendar for everything, Laurie liked having a paper record in case of emergencies, so we also had an enormous diary that lived at reception.
“Good afternoon. Welcome to Winchester & Sons,” I said as I put the phone down, smiling across the tall reception desk at my boyfriend. I hadn’t expected to see him until tonight, when we’d planned to meet for dinner at my house, but I wasn’t going to turn down this delightful, unexpected visit.
“Good afternoon,” Alfie said, his own smile bright but tired as he wandered over towards me. “How’s your day going so far?”
“It’s not too bad, nothing unusual. How’s yours?”
“Be proud of me, I’ve done two loads of washing this morning. I can almost see the bottom of the washing basket again.”
“I’m very proud of you.” I was sorely tempted to stand up so I could lean over the desk and kiss him, but I was also highly suspicious that we’d not be alone for much longer.
Both Theo and Laurie seemed to have a sixth sense about these things, and I was sure Theo was already on his way up to gawk at us.
“Thanks, I’d forgotten what having a day off is like. I could get used to it,” Alfie said with a wry chuckle.
“They are very good for you.”
“I might even look at unpacking some of my minis this afternoon. I’ve got an itch to start painting again, especially as the weather’s so nice.”
“If you wanted, you could always bring some of them over later and we could paint this evening? Perhaps put a film on in the background? Only if you want to obviously, and I completely understand if it’s too much hassle to lug everything up to mine.
Although I’m very happy to lend you paints and brushes if that’s easier. ”
“See, now I know you like me,” Alfie said with a grin, leaning over the counter to kiss me softly. “You’re willing to lend me your paintbrushes. And I know yours are expensive.”
“Well… I…” I flushed and brushed my hair behind my ear.
It was true, most of my brushes were quite expensive because I found they were higher quality and therefore did a much better job.
But I trusted Alfie to be careful with them, because he knew how valuable they were and wouldn’t damage the bristles.
“Thank you. You’re the sweetest.” He kissed me again and I sighed happily.
There was a slightly pointed cough from beside us and I froze, knowing instantly that Laurie had come out of his office. I turned my head slowly, wishing I didn’t blush quite so easily because it made me look incredibly guilty.
And yes, we probably shouldn’t have been kissing in the middle of reception but there was nobody else around.
Luckily Laurie was smiling, clearly more amused than upset with what he’d seen. “Shall I assume you’re going to take your lunch now?” he asked as he looked between me and Alfie.
“Er, yes. Please,” I said, glancing at Alfie. “Was that the plan? I’m not actually sure.”
“Yes, it is. I’m here to steal you away for an hour, as long as that’s acceptable?”
“It is,” Laurie said with a nod.
“Thank you,” I said.
“And if you go now, you’ll completely avoid Theo finding out until after you get back. I suggest you perhaps head in the direction of St. Michael’s, and I’ll take him down to Novel Tea.”
“Thank you, I appreciate it.” As much as I loved Theo, I didn’t really want company for my lunch with Alfie.
“You’re welcome. I’ll see you in a bit.” Laurie ducked back into his office, leaving the door ajar, and I took that as my cue to make a quick exit. I grabbed my bag, making sure I had my phone and wallet, and stepped around the desk, reaching for Alfie’s outstretched hand.
“I hope you’ll like what I grabbed for food,” Alfie said as we headed out into the early July sunshine. “It’s mostly just some picky bits.”
“That sounds lovely. And thank you for coming to see me, you didn’t have to.”
“I know, but I wanted to. I promised I was going to make more of an effort, and I meant it.” He smiled but there was still a heaviness to his expression that worried me.
“I really appreciate it,” I said, squeezing his hand. “You spoil me.”
“You deserve it.” He pulled me to a stop and reached up to cup my face, gently drawing me in for another kiss. “You deserve so much, Jonathan. Probably more than I can give you.”
My heart stopped as I looked up into his eyes, icy terror freezing me to the spot. “Are you… you’re not… please don’t say that. I don’t need more. I just need you.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just… sad, I guess? Maybe not sad, I don’t really know how to describe it. Sorry, ignore me. I’m tired and it’s making me overthink things.” His body sagged, like the weight of the world was pressing on his shoulders.
He was clearly struggling and, for a second, I felt selfish, because I wanted Alfie in my life more than I’d ever wanted anything. But what if I was making his life more difficult? Would it be better if we took a break or put our relationship on pause while he got his feet under him?
I didn’t know how to deal with this situation, because all the communication in the world wasn’t going to solve the problem of Alfie’s exhaustion or how overwhelmed he was by Lick It!
In hindsight, perhaps starting a new business and a new relationship at the same time hadn’t been the best idea.
But the idea of giving him up was like a knife in my heart, and even thinking about it felt like someone was cracking my ribcage open.
“I’m not going to ignore you,” I said fiercely. “I want you to tell me how you’re feeling. I want to be here for you.”
“Thanks. I really don’t deserve you.”
“Yes, you do.”
He kissed me and stepped back. “You really are wonderful.”
“I think you’re overexaggerating,” I said with a wry smile, starting to walk again and pulling him into step beside me.
“No, I’m not.”
I didn’t know if we should keep talking about how he was feeling or whether I should change the subject. But normally, if people were upset or struggling, it was always good to give them space to talk about it. “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?”
“Not really. Not right now anyway,” he said, squeezing my hand. “I want us to have a nice lunch and talk about anything but work. Is that okay?”
“Of course.” I could do that. And luckily there were several topics of conversation we could easily switch to. “Tell me about the minis you want to paint next. Are you going to do more units or do you have some individual models you want to work on?”
Alfie smiled gratefully, his hand clutched in mine as he began talking about the unit of cavalry he was thinking of painting and his hopes that the repetition would be soothing rather than frustrating.
I listened intently, asking questions and offering an opinion wherever I thought it was appropriate, as I tried desperately to ignore the gnawing worry in my stomach. Alfie had said he wasn’t going anywhere, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t change his mind.
My heart felt like it was stood on the edge of a cliff.
And at any second it was going to crumble underneath me.
Theo was waiting for me when I got back to work.
He was trying to be subtle and make it look like he was talking to Laurie about something but from the way he was stood in the office door, where he could keep an eye on reception, it was clear the whole thing was a ruse.
“Oh hey,” he said casually as I walked in, pulling his lip gloss out of the pocket of his yellow summer dress. “Did you have a nice lunch?”
“Yes, thank you.” I put my bag down behind reception, trying to shake off the anxiety that had been sitting on my chest for the last hour.
Lunch with Alfie had been lovely, but trying to ignore everything he’d said about not deserving me had only made me feel worse.
I wanted to believe he wouldn’t call things off, but it was difficult.
Maybe I was being paranoid. After all, I trusted him. So why would I suddenly doubt that?
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Theo asked as I sat down, a worried frown forming on his pretty face.
I shook my head, not even questioning how Theo knew what I was feeling. Theo knew everything. But that didn’t mean I had to confirm it. “Nothing’s wrong.”
“Jonathan.”
“Theo.”
“Something is wrong, I know it. I can feel it! Please tell me,” he said earnestly, leaning over the top of the reception counter and making it impossible to ignore him.
“Don’t you have work to do?”
“Yes, but it can wait. You’re far more important,” he said. “Besides, my clients are dead so they can’t exactly object if I keep them waiting an extra ten or fifteen minutes.”
My face cracked into a smile. It was difficult not to smile when Theo was like this. “It’s just something that Alfie said. I think I’m reading too much into it.”
“Oh? What did he say?”
“He’s been very stressed with work lately, especially because it’s a seasonal business so obviously it’s going to be busy, but I think their success has rather caught them on the hop.
And he’s very tired which I think is making everything worse.
We’ve been trying to see each other for lunch and schedule date nights, and last week he did say he wanted to make more of an effort, but today…
he said I deserve so much more than he can give me and that he doesn’t deserve me, and I’m… well, we’re trying so hard but—”
“But you’re worried he’s starting to think you might be better off without all the stress, because even if you both really want this relationship, he might believe he’s a burden.
And that, even if you’re both putting the effort in, he might think you deserve better than he can offer.
Even though that’s not what you want!” Theo’s lips pursed in irritation, but it seemed squarely aimed at Alfie, not me.
“Yes, something like that,” I said quietly.
“I know things are hard, but they won’t always be.
I truly don’t mind scheduled dates. Actually I quite like them, because I like schedules and pre-made plans, and I don’t want anything more.
I just want him. But I don’t know how to make him believe me!
” My voice quavered and I swallowed, because I suddenly felt like I was going to cry.
Emotion welled up inside me, like it had been summoned from deep in my soul.
I wanted Alfie more than anything, but how many more times could I tell him that before he realised I meant it? And if he chose to ignore me there was nothing I could do. All the screaming and crying wouldn’t do anything, and the very idea of that was crushing.
For the first time, I felt completely powerless and it was almost overwhelming.
“Oh! Oh no! Jonathan, don’t cry!” Theo rushed around the desk and pulled me to his chest, stroking my hair softly like I was a distressed kitten. “Laurie! Laurie, come here.”
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Laurie asked, presumably sticking his head out of his office, although I couldn’t see.
“Alfie is being a prat and Jonathan is upset. We need tea! And biscuits. The posh ones!”
“I’ll put the kettle on.”
“I’m all right, I promise,” I said, trying to turn my head so I didn’t speak directly into Theo’s chest and nearly stabbing myself in the eye with a fruit-shaped button.
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Pretend you’re okay when you’re not.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologise either,” Theo said, finally letting me sit up. “It’s okay to be worried and sad and pissed off too!”
I sighed, my chest aching with the mix of emotions trying to fit inside it. “I know. I just wish he’d believe me. I truly don’t want anyone else, only him.”
Theo hummed and smiled at me, a knowing look in his eyes.
Although what he knew was a mystery to me.
“Don’t worry, it will be okay, I promise.
We’re going to have some tea, the posh biscuits, and a nice chat.
And if you’re still feeling rubbish, then you can go home and I’ll hold down reception for the rest of the afternoon. ”
“Thank you,” I said. I didn’t know if Theo knew how to run reception, but I appreciated the offer because it came from a good place.
“And don’t worry about Alfie either, okay?” Theo patted my arm softly. “It will all be fine. He’ll come to his senses.”
I frowned as I looked up at him, suddenly suspicious. “You’re not going to do anything to him, are you?”
“Hmm? Me? No, of course not.” Theo’s smile was far too sweet to be believed, but I didn’t have the room to process anything else so I had to let it be.
Besides, if Theo were going to do anything then Laurie would be there too.
And Laurie was a very sensible man, even if Fred did hate his taste in poets.