Chapter Twenty-One
Alfie
“Fucking hell, what happened to you?” Milo asked as he walked through the back door of Lick It! on Wednesday morning to find me slumped across my rickety desk, trying to decide whether I should just give up now and join the seagull army before I made my life any worse.
“Nothing,” I said with a groan, scrubbing my face with my hands and pushing my hair out of my face.
“Nothing my arse,” Milo said, washing his hands under the nearby tap. “You look like someone died. Wait? Did someone die? Because if they did you shouldn’t be here.”
“No one died, Milo!”
“Then what happened? Tell me, tell me, tell me!” He walked up behind me and prodded me in the side of the head, like a child who knew the best way to get a reaction was to be annoying. It was the last thing I wanted to deal with today.
“Oh my God, do you ever stop being a twat?”
“Sometimes. If you tell me what I want to hear.”
“Why are you being so nosy?”
“Because I care about you, you daft bastard,” Milo said, leaning down to kiss my temple noisily. “And I know you are miserable as fuck right now, so tell me what’s going on so I can fix it.”
“You can’t fix me,” I said, my voice muffled as I flopped down on the desk and buried my face in the crook of my elbow.
“Oh? So you’re the problem then?”
“Yeah.” I sighed then groaned as Milo pulled my chair back, dragging me away from the desk and forcing me to sit up before I hit my head. Where the hell was Darcy when I needed him? He’d leave me alone to wallow in my self-pity.
Actually, that was a downright lie.
So wherever Darcy was, he could stay there.
“What did you do?” Milo flopped into my lap and put his arms around my neck, making the chair squeak.
“I’ve fucked everything up and I can’t stop making it worse.
Yesterday I told Jonathan he deserved so much more than me, and more than I’ll ever be able to give him, and…
God, Milo, you should have seen his face.
It was like I’d ripped his heart out. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere when he asked, and when we hung out last night everything was okay but it was awkward too.
Like he can see a ticking clock over our relationship and he doesn’t know what to do. ”
Jonathan’s expression at lunchtime had been soul-destroying, but what had been worse was when I’d seen him again in the evening and he’d tried to pretend nothing had happened.
I’d been able to see him calculating every word, and no matter how many times I tried to make it right, I’d either missed the mark or made it worse.
I kept telling myself that maybe it would be better if we broke up, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. I wanted Jonathan in my life more than anything, but trying to hold all the pieces of life, work, and a relationship in balance was harder than I’d ever thought possible.
I was painfully aware I was fucking up the best thing that had ever happened to me, but I seemed incapable of stopping myself from making things worse.
Milo sighed and patted my cheek. “Alfie, I love you, but you’re being a bellend.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“If you like him, stop letting other things get in the way! It’s like you’ve given up on this relationship working out and instead of doing something about it, you’re just letting it happen.”
“I don’t mean to.”
“I know,” he said sympathetically. “But you are. And only you can change that.”
I nodded. Milo had a point, but I was in so deep I couldn’t see a way to stop what I’d set in motion. Opening my mouth, I paused with a frown when I heard a sharp knock on the front door. “Are we expecting a delivery?” I asked, pushing Milo off my lap.
“Dunno. Maybe? But they usually just come round the back.”
“Maybe it’s a new driver,” I said. “I’ll go and tell them how to get round. By the way, where’s Darcy this morning?”
“Doctor’s appointment,” Milo said. “Something about his stomach hurting? Don’t know. Didn’t really ask. But he’ll be here before we open.”
I shook my head as I walked through the shop towards the front door, where I saw two familiar figures through the glass: Theo and Laurie.
My stomach clenched and my heart sank. The temptation to run back into the kitchen and ignore them pulled at my limbs, but they’d already seen me because Theo waved.
He was smiling sweetly, but it reminded me of a tiger. Beautiful but deadly.
“Hi,” I said as I pushed the door open enough not to be rude. “I’m sorry, we’re not open yet. It’ll be about another forty minutes.”
“I know. We’re here for you,” Theo said, the coolness in his eyes not matching the brightness of his expression. He was wearing a mint-green summer dress with rabbits embroidered around the bottom. The complete antithesis of terrifying. But I’d never been more scared of anyone in my life.
“Oh… well I’m kind of busy right now. Could you come back later?”
“No,” Theo said.
“It’s about Jonathan,” Laurie said. He loomed behind Theo like a nightmarish shadow, making the hair prickle on the back of my neck.
I swallowed. “Oh.”
“Can we come in?” Theo asked. “Or would you prefer to go and get a cup of tea?”
“Um, I don’t…” I looked between them, not particularly keen on either option. On the one hand, staying here meant privacy and that I’d have Milo for support. Which would ultimately be useless because he’d likely side with them against me.
On the other hand, getting a cup of tea likely meant we’d be in public, so they wouldn’t be able to shout at me. And while other people might bear witness to my scolding, at least I’d have something to hold to keep my hands from shaking.
“Perhaps a cup of tea?” I asked weakly, wondering if I’d picked the wrong option. Was there a wrong option here?
“Excellent,” Theo said. “Let’s go.”
“Oh, I need…” I turned and yelled towards the kitchen. “Milo, I need to nip out. I’ll be twenty minutes.”
“Why? What’s going on?” He walked in and saw Theo and Laurie by the door, his eyes roaming across us. “Are you here to make this bellend see sense?”
“Something like that,” Laurie said.
Milo nodded. “Very good, carry on!”
“Milo!”
“Nope, sorry, Alfie, you brought this on yourself. Have fun.” He strolled back towards the kitchen, singing loudly so he couldn’t hear if I chose to protest. Which would be pointless now.
I resigned myself to my fate. “So… cup of tea?”
Theo and Laurie led me around the corner towards Novel Tea, the coffee shop that was tucked away there.
I’d been in a few times and Jonathan had brought us sandwiches from there at least once.
It was cosy and welcoming, or at least, it had always felt that way in the past. But today when we stepped inside, it seemed like everyone was glaring at me.
Did everyone somehow know that I’d totally screwed up? No, that would be impossible. I had to be projecting.
“What would you like?” Theo asked, pulling a little purse out of the pocket of his dress.
“My treat. I’m going to have a strawberry milkshake and a piece of the strawberry and cream cake.
And I know Laurie will have English Breakfast tea and…
oh, would you like some cake too? Look, Spencer made honey cake. ”
“Isn’t it a little early for cake?” Laurie asked with a wry smile. It was so obvious he adored Theo, I could practically feel the love pouring off him. I wanted that for myself so badly it felt like my heart was being stabbed.
“Nonsense. It’s nearly half-nine, it’s the perfect time for tea and cake.” Theo scoffed and rolled his eyes, then smiled at me. It was friendlier than the one he’d given me earlier, and I couldn’t help wondering if I’d been lured into a trap. “Any thoughts?”
“Er, just a pot of tea please.”
“What cake would you like?”
“Oh, you don’t—” I started to say, because I didn’t need anything else.
“Just pick something,” Laurie said softly. “Don’t bother trying to argue with him.”
I nodded, and scanned the counter of baked goods, and looked up at the menu on the wall in case I’d missed anything. “Just a cinnamon bun please.”
“Perfect,” Theo said. “You two go and find a table, I’ll be over in a minute.”
Laurie gestured at me to lead the way, but I didn’t know where to go…
Not one of the corners, but not in the middle of the room either otherwise everyone would be able to hear.
Eventually I chose a table by the window near the back, where we wouldn’t be boxed in or hidden away but there was nobody close enough to eavesdrop.
Laurie sat opposite me, his hands steepled together on the table as his gaze pierced my soul. I wanted to say something, anything, to break the silence and cut the tension but words failed me.
I was almost glad to see Theo a few moments later when he slid into the chair next to Laurie and informed us someone would bring everything over. “So, Alfie,” he said as he turned to me. “Let’s talk about you and Jonathan.”
“Okay.” Goddammit, why did it feel like I was being shaken down by the mob? Except I doubted the mob wore sundresses embroidered with bunnies.
“He said that you are under the ridiculous delusion that he would be better off without you, correct?”
“Maybe? Wait, did he say that?”
“In a roundabout way,” Theo said with a wave of his hand. “But you don’t deny you said it?”
“I mean, I said that I didn’t deserve him. And that he was worth more than I’d ever be able to give him.”
“Do you really believe that?”
“Yes? No?” I sighed, wishing I could just curl up into a ball and hide under the table.
“Meeting Jonathan is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and he’s, well you know him.
He’s perfect! And I want to be with him, more than anything.
But… I feel like I’m drowning right now.
With the business taking off and trying to squeeze in everything around that, I can’t bear the thought of Jonathan being second best. I’m trying to be there, but I keep thinking maybe he’d be better off with someone else. ”
Theo scoffed again, his derision evident. “So, you want to be with Jonathan, you love Jonathan, you want Jonathan to be super happy, you’re trying your very best. I don’t see where the issue is?!”
“L-Love?” I shook my head and tried to focus. Did I love Jonathan? Yes, more than anything. It was why the idea of losing him felt like someone was ripping out a part of my soul. But how could I make Theo see the problem? It was clear to me but nobody else seemed to see it.
“Yes, you obviously love him. And he… well, I’m not going to answer that for him,” Theo said, pausing as a member of staff—a young woman with her hair in two buns—slid a tray with all our food and drink onto the table.
It gave me a minute to try and wrap my head around everything, but it felt like my brain was stuck on a loading screen with a spinning wheel of death.
“Jonathan doesn’t need anything more than you,” Laurie continued as he lifted the lid of his teapot to check on his tea before carefully pouring himself a cup.
“I know you don’t believe it, but it’s true.
Relationships aren’t easy, we know that, but I can’t help but feel like you’re giving up on this one before you’ve really gotten started because you’re worried about being a burden. ”
“Plus, he loves the idea of scheduled dates. It works well for him,” Theo added, licking the cream off the top of his milkshake in a way that made Laurie cough pointedly and mutter something about manners.
I bit my lip as I poured my own cup of tea, adding two large sugar cubes in the hope it might perk me up. “Milo said the same thing, about me giving up. And I don’t want to but maybe… maybe it would be easier.”
“For whom? For him? For you? No, you would both be utterly miserable, I can tell you that now,” Laurie said pointedly.
“And don’t bother to tell me Jonathan would find someone else because we both know it would be a lie.
Jonathan doesn’t want anyone else. And breaking his heart is not going to make him more open to relationships in future. ”
Theo nodded. “Jonathan likes you a lot. Like a lot a lot. And he understands the full picture. You’ll always be busy during the summer, he’ll have busy periods at other times of the year.
You can’t pretend you’re giving up because it’ll be easier—you’re giving up because you’re afraid to try.
You’re scared that you’ll pour all your heart and soul into this and it won’t work out, and your schedule will be to blame, so what’s the point of even trying.
And that’s just cowardly. So, if that is going to be your attitude then at least be a gentleman and break up with Jonathan properly before you hurt him more than you already have.
Because you’re right, if you’ve given up and won’t try, then you don’t deserve him and you never will. ”
“No.” The defiant word fell out of my mouth before I could stop it.
A mutinous swell of emotion rose in my chest. Yes, I was afraid.
And yes, maybe I was a coward. But hearing Theo tell me I’d never be good enough activated some deep-seated stubborn streak which roared into life like Cthulhu emerging from the depths.
“No?” Laurie asked with a raised eyebrow as the beginnings of a smile curled at the corner of his mouth.
“No,” I said firmly. “Yes, I’m afraid. And yes, I’ll probably never deserve Jonathan. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try.”
Theo sipped his milkshake. “I thought you’d given up? I thought you were going to let it fall apart?”
“Maybe I was but not now. You’re right, I’m a coward. But I’m the coward who loves Jonathan more than anyone else on this damn earth. And I’m going to spend every fucking day proving it to him.” My voice was raised and people were staring, but I didn’t give a fuck.
I loved Jonathan. And I’d come this close to losing him through my own cowardice and fear. Laurie was right, our lives would be nothing without each other in. We made each other whole, and we’d found what we’d always wanted reflected in the other person.
I’d never thought I’d find a man who loved the same things I did. Who actually considered painting miniatures and watching historical documentaries together a fun date-night activity. But I had, and I’d gotten so lost in myself I’d considered giving him up.
But not anymore.
Theo smiled sweetly. “You should tell him that. Don’t worry, I’ll bring your cinnamon bun back.”
“But I…” I had to go to work. Lick It! was supposed to open soon…
Fuck it, Milo and Darcy would survive without me for an hour.
I stood up and nodded at the pair of them. “Thanks. I’ll see you later.”
Theo cheered and clapped his hands while Laurie smiled approvingly.
“Go and get your man!” Theo called as I strode towards the door. “And remember, you have to kiss him!”
I chuckled to myself as I stepped out onto the street.
If everything worked out the way I hoped, there would be a lot of kissing involved.