Chapter 28 #2
Mama spoke through clenched teeth. “I made it clear that you were to keep your hand a secret until after you were married. He will never have you now!”
“And I am glad! Because I don’t want him!”
“How dare you—”
“You do not need an advantageous match from me! Not anymore. I thought that was what I needed too, but I was wrong. I will not marry a man of your choosing. Of your—of your requirements.” My voice echoed in the corridor.
Mama glared at me. “I did not invest all these years, all these hours in a daughter who would become a spinster!” she screeched. “Mr. Morely has not met you.” She walked forward and gripped my shoulder. “I will invite him to dine with us next week and you will not ruin such an opportunity again.”
“No!” I pulled away and she gasped. “I mean what I say! I never should have returned to Hampshire. I miss Clara!” My throat tightened in a knot. “I miss James.” Tears dripped from my eyes and Mama threw her hands in the air with exasperation.
“Go back then! Leave!” she shouted. Her voice and demeanor calmed and she turned away from me. “Go. Marry this James. I have no use for you now.”
Something burned and ached inside me. I fought the urge to reach out and cry into her shoulder and beg for her forgiveness.
But I knew she would only push me away. She could have thousands of creases in her sleeve, but each one would always mean more to her than her two daughters.
I had learned that—I had finally seen it. It tore a hole in my heart nonetheless.
I turned and walked away, leaving her in the corner of that empty hall.
I sniffed and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
How had I been so foolish? I had doubted Clara’s wisdom before and now every inch of me cried out in the agony of regret.
I had doubted the strength of love, and now I was left with nothing but longing for it.
I still loved James after all these weeks, and if it were possible, then maybe he could love me too. Maybe there was still hope.
I rushed to my room with renewed energy, clinging to my little drop of hope. I threw the door open and headed straight for the bell pull. Anna arrived a long five minutes later, and I stood from my bed, heart pounding. “I need your help.”
She noticed my disarray and handed me a handkerchief. “What is it, miss?”
“I need your help to mail a letter.”
My penmanship was still atrocious, but I had been practicing. I read over the words I had written, blowing the ink dry.
Dear James,
By the time you read this, eight months will have passed since I met you, and four months will have passed since I left you.
I thought too much of myself then, and I thought that I had changed, but I was wrong.
I thought myself capable of forgetting you, but I know now that is impossible.
Since I left, not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of you.
I have little experience with love, but I have no doubt that I have felt it.
You captured my heart when I didn’t know I had one, and for that I am forever in your debt.
A wise man once told me to write the things that are difficult to say, so here it is: I love you.
I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please accept this apology. My heart is written on this page, and I wish for you to keep it always. You do not need to forgive me, or even love me in return. I lived without a heart once, and if I must, I will do it again.
Yours,
Charlotte
I folded the letter as soon as I finished reading. My courage was wavering, and I didn’t know how much longer it would last.
“Please post this as soon as possible.” My voice shook as I handed the letter to Anna.
She gave a gentle smile. “Of course.”
I rubbed my head and laughed, a crazed sound in my throat. “I’m mad.”
“Love does such things to a person.”
Gratitude surged through me. “Thank you for helping me.”
“‘’Twas my pleasure. I should be heading downstairs now. Mrs. Jennings will likely murder me for being away so long.”
I smiled, a tired twitch of my lips. “You are a wonderful friend. If ever I find a way to repay you, I will do it.”
She smiled before turning and leaving the room with my letter clutched in her hand. My stomach turned over and over at the thought of James reading those words. My cheeks burned. But there was nothing I could do now. Nothing but wait.
I avoided Mama the following day, spending the morning hours by my stream in the woods. I brought a novel with me today—one I knew Clara would have liked—but found it impossible to focus on the story. There were too many other matters on my mind.
I watched the birds in the trees, jumping from branch to branch, chirping in a language I didn’t understand. I lay back in the damp grass and propped the book under my head. I closed my eyes.
“Charlotte!”
The voice came from Anna. I sat up. She was running toward me, and I squinted. There was a square of parchment in her hand.
“This came for you,” she panted as she stopped beside me.
“What is it?”
She didn’t speak but held the letter out in her hand. It came to my eye level where I sat on the grass. My heart lodged in my throat. It was from James.
I was afraid to touch it. How could I bring myself to open it?
For a moment my spinning mind thought that he had sent this as a reply to my letter, but Anna had just posted it this morning.
He had written this—whatever it was—several days, if not weeks, before now for it to be arriving today.
My hands were sweating and shaking as I took the letter from Anna.
It was so unexpected, so nerve-racking, that I worried I would faint.
“Go on,” Anna said with a grin. “Read it. Read it!”
I held the letter at the corners and tore the seal. James had held this letter not too long ago—he had written the words I was about to read with his own hand. With one final leap of my heart I unfolded the letter and let my gaze touch the parchment.
Dearest Charlotte,
I thought I knew what it was to love before.
I thought I knew what it meant to be hurt by love.
I thought I would see an end to this suffering, this longing for you, but I know I never will.
You told me love wasn’t real, and that it wouldn’t last, but it seems that I have proven you wrong yet again.
If what I’m feeling isn’t real, then please tell me why I cannot sleep at night, why I see you every time I close my eyes, and why I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms and never let you leave me again.
I know more surely than I have known anything before, my lovely friend, that my heart has chosen to love you forever.
My words might not have kept you here, and they might not bring you back, but at least you will know you are loved.
Because, dear Charlotte, you deserve to be loved.
It isn’t my intention to keep you from your dreams, no matter how strongly I disagree with them. If they will make you happy, and you are certain I cannot, then please disregard this letter. But if by some miracle you have changed your mind, then send word, and I will find you.
I can’t offer you a life of grandeur. No endless wealth and prestige, but I offer you my heart. I hope that will be enough.
With love,
James
I could hardly breathe. I sat there in the wet grass, reading the letter over and over again, until my eyes stung with tears and my heart threatened to burst. James loved me.
He hadn’t forgotten me. I read the last line again, I offer you my heart.
I hope that will be enough. It was more than enough.
It was everything I had ever needed. How had I been so blind?
I blinked my eyes dry and stood on my shaking legs. Anna was still standing there, and when she saw my face, she smiled back. “Oh, Charlotte! Is it good news?”
I laughed, a choked sound, and her grin grew wider.
“He doesn’t hate me!” I wiped my nose with my sleeve and grabbed Anna’s hand. I was practically jumping. “He wrote me this beautiful thing…a love letter. For me.” I shook my head and more tears, joyful, relieving tears splashed from my eyes. “He doesn’t hate me.”
She squeezed my hand. “Upon my word, it would be nearly impossible to hate you.”
“I must go back!” My heart pounded. “I need to leave today.”
Anna nodded and her curls bounced. “I will have your trunk and carriage prepared immediately.” She started to walk away, but I stopped her.
“Come with me.”
Her brow wrinkled. “Of course. Your mother would never have you travel unaccompanied.”
I shook my head. “That is not what I meant. Leave your position at Bentford Manor and come to live in Craster! Clara and Lord Trowbridge will surely employ you. You will be treated with kindness there, and I am certain your wages will improve. You have become such an invaluable friend these months, Anna, and you deserve every happiness.”
Her eyes were round with shock. “Are you certain?”
“Yes!”
She hesitated for a moment longer before her face broke into a smile of such gratitude and joy that my heart melted. “Thank you.”
“Shall we leave in the morning?” I asked.
Anna nodded. Everything I had been missing these last months came flooding back to me, and all the hopelessness and uncertainty fled.
I knew, without a doubt, that I would travel anywhere in the world if it meant I could see James again.
I also knew, without a doubt, that the next ten days would feel like a lifetime.