Chapter 9
Jen smoothed her hands over the leather dashboard of Suzanne’s car, whistling as she nodded her head. She knew the interior would be just as pristine as the exterior, but the white leather with tan stitching was truly something to be admired. Jen had always been a fan of cars, but this was on another level. Throw in the panoramic sunroof, and Jen felt as though she was dripping in wealth, along with the residents on Suzanne’s street. “Impressive. Very impressive.”
“It’s just a car,” Suzanne said, smiling as she exited the motorway.
Jen knew it was just a car. Still, it was a very fancy and very expensive car. The kind she wasn’t used to being invited inside.
“A car that looks so much better with you sitting in the passenger seat.”
Jen side-eyed Suzanne, smirking as she studied her profile. “You throw me off when you say things like that to me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” Jen lifted a shoulder. “It’s just not something I’m used to. Compliments, you know?”
“I understand.” Suzanne regarded Jen with a smile as they reached a red light. “Before I met John, it wasn’t often I came across it either.”
Jen turned in her seat a little, wanting to know everything she possibly could about Suzanne. While it was possible, she wanted to remain intrigued by Suzanne Dixon. It was hard not to be, given how they’d met. “How did you meet him?”
“Honestly?” Suzanne lifted a brow, then laughed. “At the fresh meat counter at a local supermarket. Only once we went on a date did I realise he knew my brother, Jeff. They’d worked together on a few projects over the years.”
Jen smiled. “Sometimes those are the life-changing moments, and we don’t realise it until many years later.”
“I was picking up a piece of fillet steak. John was the next in line. He made a joke about how he wished someone would show him how to cook a good steak correctly.” Jen caught Suzanne’s faraway look, but she understood. It also wasn’t an issue for Jen when Suzanne reminisced. He’d been her husband; of course she was entitled to these moments. “I tried to explain it to him, and he came right out with it and asked if I’d cook with him.”
“That’s kinda sweet, actually.”
“I thought so, too.” Suzanne’s shoulders relaxed as she continued their drive towards the coast. “I wasn’t even looking when I met John. I’d only been out of my previous relationship for a few months, so meeting someone was the last thing on my mind.”
“That says a lot about John if he caught you at a moment in your life when you weren’t thinking about a relationship.”
“You’re right.”
Jen gazed out of the window, sighing inwardly. “I think the same kind of thing happened with us. And I know there isn’t really an ‘us’ yet—I don’t think—but I certainly wasn’t looking when you asked me out for that drink.” Jen reached a hand over the console and squeezed Suzanne’s thigh.
Suzanne looked at Jen briefly. “I always wonder if I’d been too forward that day. Sometimes I still can’t believe I asked you.”
“I’m glad you did. I wouldn’t have had the balls to ask you out for a drink.”
“Oh, I don’t know. You don’t strike me as the quiet or shy type, Jen.”
Jen wasn’t. At least, she never used to be. But from the moment she had come home, Jen had decided she would keep her head down and focus on just living. She didn’t want any attention on her because it inevitably turned into bad attention at some point. Just existing in this world had been Jen’s focus. “I never used to be, but with everything that’s happened over the last few years, I just want to live a content life. That may sound boring, and I really hope it doesn’t turn you off me, but it’s true.”
“It doesn’t turn me off you at all. I think calm and content is where I’m also headed. We only have one life, Jen. How you choose to live it is entirely your own decision.” Suzanne cleared her throat. “That’s not to say I never want to have fun anymore, but I don’t know…losing John just made me realise that life is incredibly special, and nobody has the right to dictate how anyone lives theirs. If a quiet, gentle existence is what you want, then that’s okay. Everyone is so used to acting on impulse or forcing themselves through a situation they’d rather not be in. If you can learn to say no, as I have when something doesn’t suit me, then your life will be far better for it.”
Jen couldn’t agree more. “I’m guessing there was a lot of excitement in your marriage, and now you want to slow down?”
“John was always making plans and telling me about them at the last minute. If that was dinner, then okay, but when he chose to come home from work and tell me we were flying out of the country the following morning…it wasn’t ideal.”
“I feel like we’re kinda on the same path,” Jen said as she looked out of the window again. “I’m not sure what mine is right now, but our wavelength is definitely similar. At least, that’s how it feels to me.”
Suzanne took Jen’s hand. “I feel the same way. I’m not looking for some huge adventure, but I am looking for someone who makes me feel as though there is a second chance at love.”
Could Jen be that for Suzanne? God, she hoped so. “There’s always a second chance. Not only at love but most things in life.” Jen was speaking purely from experience when she said that. Perhaps her love life would never come to be anything meaningful ever again, but she’d already been given a second chance to make her life something more than it had been since Ruby died. Jen would love to imagine a world where she and Suzanne took this further, but she had to prepare herself for the likelihood of that happening. Those odds were very low, and to consider anything else would be a mistake. “We’ve only known one another for a few weeks, but I think you’re great. You’re…I don’t know. Probably one of the most positive people I’ve met in a long time,” Jen said. “And gorgeous. Ridiculously gorgeous.”
Suzanne pulled up in a parking space close to the beach and turned in her seat. “Please believe me when I tell you that I’m very happy I met you.”
Jen could only smile and appreciate Suzanne’s honesty. “Me too.”
“Now, let’s go for that beach walk. There’s a lovely little restaurant at the end of the prom. I’d like to take you for lunch.”
“I’ll…take you for lunch. You drove here.” If these were the moments Jen could have with Suzanne when she wasn’t working, then Jen was going to do everything she could to enjoy their time together. “Come on. Let’s get some fresh air.”
With her hand securely in Jen’s, Suzanne stared out at the water, strolling so peacefully along the sand. Jen had stopped at a nearby refreshment van along the prom and picked up coffee for them, the restaurant Suzanne had spoken about almost visible in the distance. This stretch of beach was the quieter area along the coast, but there could have been hundreds of people milling around them, and Suzanne likely wouldn’t have noticed. She often found herself in her own head when she was alone with Jen.
Thankfully, for the first time in several years, being in her head wasn’t so daunting. In the months leading on from John’s death, Suzanne had spent so long wondering where her life was going, but now that Jen was planting herself firmly in it, Suzanne was just taking each day as it came. She didn’t worry about what may or may not happen; Jen was very good at putting her at ease.
“I haven’t been to the beach since Ruby died,” Jen spoke quietly, her hand tightening around Suzanne’s. “We spent a lot of time here together growing up, and then when one of us was having a crisis as we sailed into our twenties, we would always find ourselves here.”
Ah. Suzanne probably should have checked with Jen that she was happy to come to the beach today. She hadn’t realised it could be a moment she didn’t want to relive. “I’m sorry. I should have asked.”
“Why would you even think to ask?” Jen smiled as she eyed Suzanne. “And don’t apologise. It’s nice to be back here.”
“We can go somewhere else if you’d rather do that.” Suzanne stopped them on the sand and turned to Jen. “I don’t want to upset you, Jen.”
“You know what, I actually feel pretty relaxed here.” Jen leaned in and kissed Suzanne. “I’m turning it into a different experience. It doesn’t have to be sad forever, right?”
Oh, Jen . Suzanne brought a hand to Jen’s cheek and cupped it. “You’re right.”
Jen angled her head towards a bench close to the steps leading away from the sand. “Sit with me for a few?”
“I’d love to.” Suzanne guided Jen across the sand and took the steep steps slowly. Once they were situated next to one another, subconsciously shifting closer, Suzanne turned to Jen. “I admire your strength, by the way.”
“My strength?” Jen asked, her brows lifted. “Oh, I’m not strong at all. Trust me. This—what you see now—took a lot of work. A lot .”
“I don’t doubt that, but you did work on it and look at the outcome.” Suzanne could only comment on what she knew about Jen so far. She liked everything she saw, in all honesty. “You don’t shy away from anything. You’re an open book, and that’s one of the most important qualities in anyone to me.”
Jen smiled weakly as she cast her gaze on her lap. “I just want you to see me for who I am, that’s all. Ruby always told me how important it was to be myself, and it’s something I try to live by each day. And if that makes all of this a failure down the line, then so be it. I just…can’t be anything other than myself.”
“A failure?” Suzanne’s brows drew together.
“I’m well aware that to the outside world, you and I couldn’t be any more different. Class, intelligence, personality. We’re not compatible on paper, I’d guess.” Suzanne opened her mouth to respond, but Jen held up a hand. “But inside, it feels like we’re compatible. I don’t know how that happened or why we met when we did, but I need to see where this goes. You’re the first person in a very long time to give me the time of day, Suzanne. I have to pursue this, even if I know where it ultimately leads.”
“I don’t see it leading anywhere negative, Jen. I’ve adored spending my time with you lately, and I meant it when I said I want to see more of you. Like you, I also need to see where this goes.”
“Perfect.” Jen stole a kiss before she looked out at the receding tide. “All of you is perfect so far.”
Suzanne chuckled, wishing she could be considered perfect. “Tell me more about your friendship with Ruby.”
“God, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” The smile Jen wore made Suzanne’s heart sing. It wasn’t often that she beamed from ear to ear, but when it did happen, it stole Suzanne’s breath. “We were those friends who were so close that if one was told off by their mum, the other was, too.”
Suzanne laughed. “Yes, I know what you mean.”
“But as for Ruby, she was just such a good friend. I could call her any time, and she would pick up. She would drive over if either of us needed to talk, and she wouldn’t leave until we’d figured things out together. Considering she was into fashion and was really girly, the total opposite of me, we were like sisters. Actually, I was closer to Ruby than I was with my actual sister.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever really had a friendship like that. I’m very close with my own best friend, but at times…things can seem one-sided. Still, we’re older now. Life is life, and we see one another when we’re able to.”
“Friendship is an odd thing, isn’t it? Sometimes, we don’t see friends for a while, but we still know they’d be there for us at the drop of a hat. At least, that’s what my friendship was like with Ruby.”
“I’m glad you experienced that unconditional love with a friend. We all deserve to have a ride or die in life.”
Jen stared out at the water, a tear gathering at her jawline. “She was going to be famous. I always told her that. She was exceptional when it came to fashion design, and I just know she would have gone on to conquer some pretty big things.”
Suzanne felt the sadness in the air as Jen spoke about Ruby. While it was heartbreaking, it was also incredibly heartwarming to hear of such a special friendship. These days, those types of friendships were rare.
“She used to tell me that when we were billionaires, we would buy one another a yacht for Christmas and sail around the world together. We’d meet up on, say…the French Riviera and have lunch on one of our yachts.” Jen quickly brushed another tear from her cheek. “That we would interview the best chefs from around the world and decide on which one we would like to be our personal chef on board.”
“It sounds to me like you both had it all figured out.”
“Oh, we did. Most days, Ruby would tell me what our itinerary was. She had it all organised for weekends or whenever we were both off work at the same time. She just…” Jen puffed out her cheeks. “Life isn’t the same without her here. That’s all I can really say.”
Suzanne followed Jen’s line of sight as she turned and looked out at the water, too. She wrapped an arm around her shoulder and sighed. “Grief is something I don’t believe ever goes away. We adjust…of course we do. But someone who meant so much to you cannot just be erased from existence. Even if they’re not here, they’re in our memories.”
“I have so many of them with Ruby. I think that’s what kept me going most days. Even though I initially thought it was making things worse. Something would remind me of her, and I’d just continue on that downward spiral because it only made me miss her more, you know?”
“Mm. I do know. I went through the very same stage when John passed away.”
“Did you cope better than me?” Jen asked, then scoffed and shook her head. “Most of my days were a blur.”
“Most of mine were, too. And no, I didn’t cope very well at all. Some days, it seemed easier to stay in bed and ignore anyone who knocked on the door. Other days, I wanted to just sit and drink wine in the dark. I don’t know at what point I snapped out of it, but I’m glad I did. Feeling so alone even though you have a lot of people around for you is not something I ever wish to feel again.”
“Yeah, I get that. That was the weirdest feeling. But I just wanted to be angry at the world. I wanted to wallow and refuse to shower. I wanted to hate everyone else for being alive when she wasn’t.”
“That’s why it was important for me to fix myself before I even thought about dating again. I couldn’t put how I felt on anyone else. That would have been unfair and, quite frankly, stupid.”
Jen nodded and smiled. “You’re exactly right.”
“But I believe that we met when we were supposed to. It’s hard for me to come to any other conclusion when everything feels so great for me right now.” Suzanne reached out a hand and stroked her knuckles against Jen’s cheek. “And maybe you don’t feel quite the same, maybe life is still heavy on the sadness, but I hope things improve for you when they’re meant to, Jen. You have a heart of gold, and I’m truly grateful to have you in my life.”
“I’m going to be honest with you.” Jen sat up straight and cleared her throat. “Until the day you asked me out for that drink, I was wondering what the point of my life was anymore. I was existing and working, then coming home to sleep to do it all over again the following day. Meeting you has given me a reason to be hopeful. You’re the only reason I smile lately. I can never thank you enough for pulling me out of that headspace.”
“I’m sorry you’ve felt that way.” Suzanne wrapped Jen up in a strong embrace, holding her own emotions at bay. She hated knowing Jen was unsure of her future because of her grief. “But while we’re being brutally honest, you’ve given me the very same thing. A lot of my happiness is because of you lately, Jen.”
Jen drew back. “Really?”
“Really. I’m very good at putting on a front. It seems easier than sitting down and boring my friends with how I’m feeling.”
Jen frowned. “I hope you never feel as though you have to do that with me, Suzanne.”
Suzanne held her tongue. She didn’t consider Jen a friend. Oh, no. She was so much more than that. “And I hope that one day you won’t see yourself as one of my friends, but rather…something more.” Suzanne chanced a kiss, smiling against Jen’s lips when Jen fisted her hand in Suzanne’s jacket and held her in place.
“I’m really hoping for that, too.” Jen touched her forehead to Suzanne’s and smiled. “How about that lunch we mentioned earlier? All I want to do right now is sit across a table from you and look at your beautiful face.”
The reaction Suzanne’s body had to that was probably something she should worry about, but it was hard to worry about anything when Jen was sitting next to her and saying everything she’d wanted to hear lately. “That sounds like something I could never refuse.”