Chapter 22
With her back to the entrance of the coffee shop, Jen tapped her bank card against the contactless reader and smiled at the barista. This place was new, and the smell of coffee coming from it had enticed Jen from the moment she turned the corner onto the high street. Judging by the food orders coming out from the kitchen, it looked like a good place to try for lunch with Suzanne.
Jen had a rare afternoon off today. She hadn’t known anything about it until she’d got into work this morning, and the manager of her depot had asked if anyone wanted to finish early. Jen had been the first to raise her hand, knowing where she would rather be right now. Curled up in Suzanne’s living room while her girlfriend enjoyed reading a book. Jen was more than happy to sit in the quietness of Suzanne’s home. It gave her the perfect opportunity to watch the woman she was so in love with. When Suzanne had told Jen she’d felt distant at dinner, she genuinely hadn’t intended to come across that way. Jen wouldn’t make that mistake again. She never wanted Suzanne to feel any distance.
You couldn’t distance yourself if you tried.
Jen took her takeout coffee cup as they called her name and left the coffee shop before she could convince herself to sit down and have lunch. Ideally, she would surprise Suzanne in the next hour or so, and then they could have lunch together. She stopped outside the coffee shop and took her phone from her pocket. Maybe she should see if Suzanne was even available today.
Hey! How’s your day going so far?
Jen locked her phone and crossed the street, keeping the device in her hand. The moment it buzzed, she lifted it again.
My day would have been better if you were here. Can I see you tonight?
There wasn’t a single scenario that would keep Jen from being with Suzanne tonight. Still, she was sticking with the idea of turning up at Suzanne’s and surprising her.
Of course you can. Hopefully I’ll get off work on time. I’ll text you later.
As Jen stopped at the entrance to one of the local parks, she heard someone calling her name. That wasn’t common around here anymore. People preferred to avoid her rather than draw attention to the fact they wanted to speak to Jen.
She turned and scanned the street, smiling when Lizzie rushed across the road. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“Not bad. It’s lovely to see you again.” Lizzie blew out a breath as she stopped in front of Jen. “Going anywhere nice?”
“Just thought I’d cut through the park to head back to Mum’s. Got plans and need to grab some stuff. You on your lunch break?” Jen didn’t know if Lizzie even had the same job anymore. “Are you still working at the bank?”
“I am. Today is my day off. If I’d known you’d be around the area, I would have called to meet up with you.” Lizzie bumped shoulders with Jen. “Maybe I could join you on your walk.”
Jen shrugged and sipped her coffee. “I mean, I won’t be walking for long or very far…”
“That’ll do me. I’ve already done ninety minutes in the gym this morning.”
“Okay. Let’s go.” She cleared her throat as they landed on the path that circled around the park, side-eyeing Lizzie. “How’ve you been?”
“Yeah, not bad, I guess.” Lizzie held onto the strap of the satchel resting across her body. “Life is pretty much the same as usual, you know? I work, go home to an empty flat, eat, sleep…and do it all over again the next day.”
Jen shoved her free hand in her pocket and shook her head. She knew Lizzie didn’t live at the house they’d shared together anymore. She’d let it go within a few months of splitting up with Jen. “I can’t believe you’re not married. Your Reece definitely told a few people that you were married and pregnant.”
“As you can see, I’m definitely not pregnant. She was. And yes, there was talk of us getting engaged, but you know when something just doesn’t feel right in your gut? Well, my gut feeling was right on the money.”
“I’m sorry she fucked you over, Lizzie. You didn’t deserve that. After everything I put you through, I really hoped you’d gone on to find someone ten times better.” Jen could never fault Lizzie when it came to their relationship. Until Jen lost her head, and even during those moments, for the most part, they’d had the most amazing relationship with one another. Lizzie really was the dream partner.
Lizzie linked an arm through Jen’s, surprising her. “I don’t think it’s possible to find someone better than you. Yes, you had a rough time, and I couldn’t be what you needed, but it was never about not wanting you anymore. I hope you believe me when I say that.” Lizzie squeezed Jen’s bicep. “I had to walk away so you could find the help you needed. God knew you didn’t want it from me.”
Lizzie wasn’t wrong. Not at all. “You’d think losing you would have kicked me up the arse, but nope. Good old me just kept on spiralling.”
“I know.” Lizzie held onto Jen’s arm and guided her towards a park bench. Jen turned to her, her brows drawn once they’d sat down. She couldn’t put her finger on Lizzie’s mood or the reason she’d sat Jen down, but the least Jen could do was give Lizzie the space she needed to talk. There certainly hadn’t been any talking back when she left. Jen was out of it most of the time. “I am sorry for leaving you to fend for yourself.”
“Honestly, it was the best thing you could have done. I was a waste of space, and you deserved so much more than that. But look, I’m out of it on the other side now, and all I can do is move on and live my life.”
“You…look great, Jen.” Lizzie lay a hand on Jen’s knee.
Jen narrowed her eyes ever so slightly. Was Lizzie flirting with her? No, she couldn’t be. This woman had left Jen years ago now. “I had a lot of time to work on myself during prison and after it. I’m back at the gym, I don’t drink anymore, and on the whole, my life is looking pretty good.”
“I’m happy to hear that.” Lizzie crossed her legs and sighed. “How was your date that night? Suzanne, wasn’t it?”
Jen’s heart beat a little harder at the mention of Suzanne’s name. She couldn’t recall a time that had ever happened in past relationships. Even though they’d been great together, Jen couldn’t say she’d even felt it with Lizzie. “Yeah, Suzanne. And it was great. I didn’t realise I’d done it at first, but I shouldn’t have introduced her to you as my date.” Jen reminded herself of the conversation they’d had after they’d left the restaurant. She never meant to refer to Suzanne as just her date. “She wasn’t really my date.”
“Oh, thank God. The next day, when I called and you were with her, my heart sank. I assumed you were together, you know…in a relationship.” Lizzie held a hand to her chest as she shifted closer. “I know we haven’t seen one another for a while, but I was talking to Chloe and Mel recently, and I kinda came clean about how I was feeling.”
“How you were feeling? About what?”
“You and me. The life we had before everything went wrong.”
Jen was taken aback by what Lizzie was saying. She hadn’t imagined her ex would ever want to think about the life they’d had and ultimately lost. “Right. Okay.”
“And I think seeing you today has just confirmed it for me. Now that I know nothing is going on with you and Suzanne, I need you to know that I want you to come home, Jen. Come back to me.”
Jen slowly lifted her coffee cup to her lips, wanting to give herself the opportunity to process what Lizzie had just said before she responded. She was shocked, but she wouldn’t show it. If Lizzie needed to get this out of her system, then so be it.
“I know it’s probably a surprise, but I want to try again with you, Jen. We were so happy, and I want us to have that again. I want to carry on building what we were building back then. I-if you can forgive me for walking away, at least.”
Jen lowered her coffee cup to the space between them and took Lizzie’s hands into her lap. “In terms of you leaving, there is nothing to forgive. You did what was best for you, and I can never blame you for that. I was an awful person who didn’t deserve someone like you standing beside me.”
“I should have, though.”
“No, you shouldn’t. And I’m glad you didn’t. In the end, I only dragged down everyone I came across. I didn’t want you to become a victim of that, too. If you’d stayed and forced yourself to keep loving me, then that would have happened. You were the only person who didn’t resent me, and I couldn’t risk that changing. It’s why I didn’t bother to fight for us. I couldn’t even fight for myself.”
“I never once had to force myself to love you, babe. I’ve always loved you, and to this day, I still do. I just…didn’t know how to give you what you needed. The pain you were in, I couldn’t help you. I didn’t see an end to the behaviours, and I couldn’t stand to watch it any longer.”
“Hey,” Jen said as she lifted a hand and cupped Lizzie’s cheek. “You did the right thing, okay?”
“A-and now? Do you think we could give it another go?”
Jen had never felt so in demand all of a sudden. She was so used to people turning their back on her that the idea two different women could love her seemed like one hell of a stretch. As she looked back at Lizzie, the turmoil in her eyes was visible. God, Jen didn’t want to hurt this woman by turning her down, but getting back together just wasn’t going to happen. Jen was in love with Suzanne. “That’s not possible, Lizzie.”
“Please, Jen.” Lizzie blinked away tears. “I know it’s going to take time to rebuild, but I really need another chance with you.”
“Lizzie, I’m in a relationship.” Jen lowered her hand from Lizzie’s cheek and ran her palm down her own thigh. “When I told you that Suzanne wasn’t my date, I meant that she’s my girlfriend. We’ve been seeing one another now for almost three months.” Jen chose not to mention the weeks they were broken up. It wasn’t important to the story.
“I…what?” Lizzie’s brows rose as she stared back at Jen. “You’re together?”
“We are, yes.” Jen regarded Lizzie with a small smile, knowing she probably felt embarrassed right now. But there was no harm done. She had made her feelings about Jen known, and now Jen could avoid anything resembling this in the future.
“But we were engaged. We had a home together.”
Jen straightened her shoulders. She didn’t want this conflict to become anything she would have to contend with. That wasn’t her life anymore. “That part of me doesn’t exist anymore, Lizzie. It hasn’t since the moment they slapped handcuffs on me, and I realised the terrible mistakes I’d made. Suzanne and I are happy. We’re in love. She’s…my fresh start.”
Lizzie lowered her gaze to her hands in her lap. “I see.”
“This may hurt when I say this, but I had to remove anything I had when Ruby was alive from my life. Friends, memories. Anything that reminded me of the one important thing I lost. Rubes . Going back to anything that reminds me of that time is a slippery slope for me. I’m sure you can understand that.”
“I-I don’t understand it. Not really.”
“You and I were great together, we always had been, but our relationship reminds me of a time that I don’t want to remember. The loss we all suffered, then the turmoil I brought to people’s lives, it’s just not something I want to be faced with on the daily. It’s not something I can handle going back to.”
“You’re telling me I remind you of one of the most painful times of your life?” Lizzie pulled a face at that, but Jen had to be brutally honest here.
Jen nodded slowly. “Yes, in a way.”
“Well, you really know how to make a girl feel special.” Lizzie scoffed. “And for the record, I remind you of that time in your life because you fucked it all up. So, really, you only have yourself to blame when it comes to feeling that way about me.”
“I know that. I also accept it.” Jen rose to her feet and lifted her coffee cup from the bench. “I don’t want to fall out with you all over again because I didn’t want to come back to you. Either we go our separate ways entirely, or we figure out how to be friends.” Jen looked down at Lizzie, hoping for the latter. She needed all the friends she could get around here. “I know which I’d prefer.”
“It’s serious between you and her?”
Jen nodded. “Very serious.”
Lizzie stood and wrapped her hand around Jen’s. “If it ever doesn’t work out, find me, okay? I don’t know about you, but I feel as though we’re not done yet.” Lizzie leaned in and kissed Jen’s cheek. “I will always love you, Jen. We lost what we had, but you’re back, and you’re like a different person. I just…I hope you do the right thing and come back to me.”
Jen stood open-mouthed as Lizzie turned and walked away. As far as she was concerned, Lizzie had been done with her a long time ago. Still, her admission didn’t change anything for Jen. Her life was with Suzanne now, and it was a life she looked forward to every morning when she woke up.