Chapter 40 Kaelen
Kaelen
“Iwas leaving.” Darian shifts in place, his eyes not meeting mine. “But I wanted to say goodbye.”
Not goodnight. But goodbye. My closest friend looks at me, and it feels as if the whole damned Veilspire stands between us. The bottom drops out of my stomach when he leans forward.
And bows.
“Don’t do that,” I say hoarsely. “Don’t bow to me.”
“Just let me say this.” He straightens, his eyes endlessly deep and glittering, a sheen coating them. “Please. And then I’ll leave you be.”
As if he needs to beg to take up any damned space at all, and my heart cracks a little more. “All right.”
His throat works, bobbing as he swallows. Darian’s eyes travel over my face. And behind me, to Eres, and Lyra.
“Tomorrow… or whenever it comes.” He stops. Takes a breath. “Don’t make me fight apart from you, Kaelen. From all of you. Just… let me stay close. I don’t want to die somewhere on that field and not know where you are. Let me. Please.”
All of this time, I could have had with him. At this moment I hate myself more than I ever have. A half-laugh spills from his lips. “Dramatic, I know. Consider it a last request, if you like.”
With that, he turns to leave, and my hand snaps out to grab his arm. “Where are you going?”
He wavers. “To get some sleep.”
A lie, and both of us know it. He’s going to walk the grounds as he always does. Night after night, and I left him alone to do it.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” he says quietly. “Not tonight. You are… you’re my best friend, Kaelen.”
“I don’t want to be your friend.”
Fuck. Fuck. His face crumples as he turns away. “Of course. I’ll go.”
I tug him back. “I don’t want to be your friend, Dare.”
Carefully, so fucking carefully, because he feels so very breakable, I take his face in mine. He swallows, the sound audible as his eyes flicker. “People are watching.”
“I don’t care.” Let them. Let them all see. I press my forehead against his, my breathing ragged. “It’s my turn to speak. And I’m sorry.”
When he says nothing, I say it again. Softer, the words just between us. “I’m so sorry, for all of it.”
He’s shaking under me, his body trembling, and it only hurts more. “Don’t—,”
“I took the Binding because I was scared,” I whisper. “There was so much talk, Dare, and I thought it would protect you. It was never supposed to be a punishment.”
He always thought it was. That I didn’t trust him. And I let him think that, let my best friend think that I bound him to me to force his loyalty when it was the opposite. “I know you would never betray me.”
I had ridden after him into the Veilspire that day.
Found him breaking apart over his father’s body, alone and undefended, and I had dragged him back to Umbraxis with fury filling my veins for the risk he had taken in riding out.
In trying to save his father, who made a foolish mistake to try and achieve peace.
And when the people around us looked to blame someone in their grief, the fingers pointed at him.
My fingers stroke over his face, feeling the familiar shape of him that I’ve missed every fucking day since I drove a wedge between us.
“That’s why I demanded the Binding, Darian. It was never about punishment.”
And then Eres had done the same for Lyra.
“But…" he chokes out the words. His hands land over mine, hesitant as if he can’t decide whether to push me away. “You hated me, afterward. You wouldn’t let me be around you. You pushed me away.”
“The Binding,” I whisper. “At first, it was the Binding. I’d already tied you to me, Dare, and it creates… I didn’t want to take advantage of that.”
Beneath me, he turns still. “What?”
“I thought the feelings would fade,” I admit. “I thought it was because of everything that had happened—that it was worse, somehow, because of that. And I thought I’d taken something from you that I couldn’t give back. I felt guilty.”
I thought I’d forced a choice on him. “If I kept my distance—if I pushed you away, I thought it would go. Fade, maybe. I don’t know how it works.”
But it hadn’t faded. It’s only grown, day after day, and now it feels almost unbearable.
“And then?” Tight, carefully controlled words.
My eyes close. “I thought it would be easier. If I had fewer people to lose.”
Silence. And then— “You’re a damned fool.”
He shoves my hands back. Darian pushes his finger into my face. “Tell me that this is a joke, Kaelen. That you haven’t been breaking my fucking heart every day for the last six months because you thought it would be easier.”
Behind me, a throat clears. “You know, this might actually be better—”
“You kept Eres,” Darian breathes suddenly. His face drains. “And you cut me loose.”
“No.” My heart stops, stutters, fucking breaks all over again. “No. It wasn’t like that.”
“Yes, it was.” He rakes his hands through his hair.
“You made your choice, Kaelen. It just wasn’t me.” His voice breaks. “It was never me.”
“It was always you.” This time, we’re not walking away. There won’t be an opportunity to have this discussion again. I grab his hand to stop him walking away. “The Binding, Dare. I chose you. I wanted to protect you. And I wanted you.”
I’m fucking this up. Eres is behind me. Darian in front, and Lyra pressed between us.
“I wanted you,” I say again. My heart feels as though it’s climbed up my throat. As if I’m spilling it for him. “I always wanted you. And so I forced you into a Binding, Dare, so you couldn’t leave me. Not even if you wanted to.”
I stole his choice from him in the name of protection, so I could keep him.
And then I broke him.
His voice wavers. “Are you doing this because of what’s coming? Because you feel guilty? Is that it?”
My brows draw together. “What? No?”
“Because I’d rather there be truth between us. Don’t tell me things you think I want to hear, Kaelen.” He’s backing away again. “I have more pride than that, even if I’ve shredded most of it at your damned feet. Let me keep at least a small part of it.”
I did such a good job at breaking him that he doesn’t even believe me now.