Chapter 21
Twenty-one
Sterling
My head hurts, and my vision blurs when I peel my heavy lids apart.
As the red room with plastic-lined floor comes into focus, my pulse beats in my ears and I sit up, feeling around me, my hands coming into contact with a remote.
I hold it up and scan the room again. I’m all alone.
The room is empty, all except for a camera resting on a tripod in the corner and a TV.
Where the fuck am I?
There’s a note attached to the corner of the flat screen anchored to the wall. It reads “watch me.”
Aiming the remote to the center, I hit play. My face moves closer, eyes widening when Justin appears on the screen. He’s looking behind him the whole time, sinking into himself as he reaches for a camera behind a light fixture. My breaths stick to the back of my throat, cutting like glass.
What is this? Where did it come from? “Hello?” I call out, feeling smaller when no one comes and I remain alone in the big room.
I go back to watching the video, knots forming in my stomach when I see Justin take my dildo out of my drawer and smell it. What the fuck?
I already knew the guy was a creep based on past interactions, but I wanted to keep blocking them out.
I wanted to forget their existence. Others making me feel bad about liking the same sex wasn’t my main reason for staying in the closet, and neither was my career being on the line.
I wanted them to be the only reason, though, so they’re all I’d let myself think about every time I’d try to push Hayden away.
Hayden.
I blamed the wrong person. I chastised him, blocked his number and pushed him out of my life. It was never him. He was telling the truth. He hasn’t been honest about other things, though. Would he have been if I’d asked about them?
The movie ends and the door behind me creaks open. I turn around and Hayden is standing behind me, carrying a black bag. Did he bring me here?
“I didn’t want to do things this way, but you gave me no choice.”
“What the fuck is this, Hayden?” I slam a hand on the ground and try to stand, but whatever he drugged me with hasn’t fully left my system yet. Where even are we? I don’t recognize this room. Does he have another house somewhere?
“I had to show you the truth. You wouldn’t talk to me or let me anywhere near you.”
“So you fucking kidnapped me?” I rub my aching eyes.
“I had to. You needed to know it wasn’t me. That I was telling the truth.”
“There are other ways you could have gone about it. This.” I gesture around the room. “Isn’t it.”
“It felt like it was the only way.”
“Wait.” I look at the TV again and back at him. “How did you even get that? Were you with him?”
He quickly shakes his head and removes a small camera from his pocket. “I had put a camera in there too.”
“You what?!?” My voice gets louder.
“I only had it there for the last two days we were working there.”
“And that makes it better how exactly? Hayden, are you listening to what you’re saying?”
“I think you’re missing the big picture here.”
“You’re nuts,” I say, brain foggy. “What the hell did you do to me? How did I get here, and why are you stalking me?”
“I wasn’t stalking you. I was worried it would be the only way I’d get to see you again. The last movies we’d ever have together.”
“Sneaking cameras into my dressing room isn’t making movies, Hayden.
This is all insane, and you still haven’t answered my other questions.
” What about the other times he filmed me without my consent?
Why am I not bringing those up? I should’ve had a restraining order out on this guy already.
Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I did.
My chest forms a lump at that thought. At Hayden unable to reach me at all. Keeping us permanently apart.
“I’m sorry, but you were being stubborn and I had to take action. What I injected into your neck will wear off in another hour or so. It wasn’t meant to hurt you. I wouldn’t hurt you. I’ve told you that. Only you get to hurt me, remember?”
My stomach flips and I’m unable to process all the thoughts swarming in my head.
They’re as unhinged as everything he’s saying.
This isn’t a declaration of love, this is some Dateline shit.
“You drugged me, Hayden. You kidnapped me. Those are crimes. You can’t really think those were your only solutions.
You could have left the video on my doorstep or something. ”
“You need better security than what you have. You’re always too trusting of your environment.”
“Clearly,” I say on a huff. “You were able to get to me too easily.”
“Yes, because you wanted me to.”
“What?” Did I? After watching all the videos I took from his house, I did find myself looking outside my window a lot, searching for his camera.
I’d fake sleeping, listening for creaks on the floor or the door.
When my sister wanted to have a sleepover, I turned down the offer because I kept thinking in the back of my head, “What if her being here scares him off.”
I don’t know what’s worse, him kidnapping me to prove his innocence or me still wanting him after knowing what he did before.
“What are you thinking about?” He crouches beside me, stroking my cheek.
“Why did you bring me here, Hayden?”
He lets out a gentle breath. “I told you why.”
“No. You only told me part of why. You haven’t told me the main reason.” My voice sounds pained.
“Because, baby, you keep getting in your own way, and I had to help get you back on the right track again.”
“You’re psychotic,” I say.
He laughs, shaking his head. “You feel that way now, but you won’t always. I made you see reason before, and I can do it again.”
“The only one who needs to see reason here is you.” I jab my finger into his shoulder, and when he reaches for my hand, I shove him away.
“I want to go home,” I say, folding my arms in front of my chest.
“You are home.”
Something vibrates in my chest. I no longer know if it’s a good feeling or a bad one. “This looks nothing like my house. It can’t be.” I study the walls again.
“I didn’t say it was your house. I said it was your home. Because I’m your home and you’re mine.”
“I don’t know whatever sick fantasy you’ve fabricated in your head, but what makes you think that’s what I want?”
“Because you want a lot more than you’re willing to admit out loud. Tell me what’s in that head of yours?”
I squeeze my eyes shut, blocking out my own thoughts.
He’s not right. I can’t want this. I can’t still want him.
In what world does a normal person want this?
That’s the thing, though, isn’t it? I haven’t met the requirements of normality in a long time.
He’s right about me not vocalizing everything I want.
It doesn’t mean I should. Everyone has intrusive thoughts, but most people don’t act on them.
Most normal people.
Is that still me? Do I want it to be? I look over at him, knowing I can’t have that if I choose him, but I can’t have him if I choose normal either.
So much of what we did would have so many people questioning my sanity too.
I was waiting for the other videos to come out, getting a bag ready and saving money in case I had to disappear somewhere.
They never came and I knew something was off when they didn’t.
If he’d wanted to ruin me and make money, he wouldn’t have sent them a video of me getting off in the fitting room.
He would have sent the ones where I cut him and made him bleed while wearing a giant smile instead.
“I want to get out of here.”
“Out of this room? You hungry? You should probably eat before we work on our new movie.”
My eyes shoot up to his. “What new movie?”
“I won’t be the victim or side character in it this time. There’ll be someone new.”
My teeth press tightly together. “What are you talking about?”
“Why do you think Justin did what he did?”
Why’s he bringing up Justin again? Did he do something to him? Would it be the worst thing in the world if he did?
“He was jealous, maybe. I don’t know.” It’s more than that. More than I’ve ever said out loud to anyone before. But Hayden’s not just anyone.
“You do know, don’t you? What did he do?”
“What makes you think it’s something he did?” I can’t look at him anymore, shrinking into myself.
“Because I recognize the shame and anguish in your eyes. You can tell me anything, my little star. You know you can.”
“I . . . I didn’t think I’d work with him again after that. I hoped I wouldn’t. I had to make myself forgive him so that I could. After all, he was sorry. He said he was so many times, and we were both drinking that night.”
“What did he do?” His angry tone rattles inside me.
“He . . . two years ago, we all went out drinking after filming. When everyone started heading home, I realized I was too drunk to drive, so he offered to take me since he didn’t have as much.” I take a breath and continue on. “We were in his car. The parking lot was clearing . . . and . . .”
“It’s okay. I’m here.” He lowers himself more to the ground and holds my hand. It feels so fucking good too. How can someone so dangerous feel so safe?
“He tried kissing me and I pushed him away, so he tried again, not stopping, so I eventually froze in my seat. His hand slipped inside my pants and underwear. I wanted to push him off again but I couldn’t move.
I felt so fucking weak and helpless.” I let out a soft sob.
“A car honked nearby and I finally unfroze, punching hard into his chest. I shoved open the door and ran through the parking lot, zipping up my pants, not stopping until I made it to the nearest gas station.”
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”