TWENTY-SEVEN
‘ARE YOU CLEANING AGAIN ?’
‘Only a little.’ I’m on my hands and knees, polishing a skirting board, when Ava comes to stand beside me, arms folded. ‘There was dust.’
‘No, there wasn’t. There’s no dust anywhere in this flat any more. Or germs. We’re officially a dust- and germ-free zone.’ She crouches down beside me. ‘Maisie, you have to stop.’
‘I know …’ I sit down on the floor and prop myself against the wall.
In my defence, I am making progress. I’ve stopped bursting into tears, I’m cycling every day and I’ve officially abandoned my plan of becoming a recluse by heading back to university. It hasn’t been so bad. In the end, it was like ripping off a plaster. Clearly, some people were aware of the story, but once they got a good look at the wound they lost interest pretty quickly.
Media attention has moved on as well, especially since Farron’s wife gave a magazine interview detailing all his infidelities, but the fallout from Singapore was pretty brutal. I didn’t look at all the comments online, but I know there were a lot. Ava even had to give up her podcast for a while after her subscribers blamed her for introducing me to Gio. I’m not back at Suds yet either (Lauren couldn’t keep paying me sick leave, but I have indefinite, unpaid time off after Dad gave me some money to cover the next couple of months’ rent) and my social life is non-existent, but at least I’m keeping busy. Cleaning is the new going out.
I haven’t been keeping tabs on Gio, but Ava tells me his racing schedule has been manic. Apparently he won at the Circuit of the Americas in Texas, so maybe Farron was wrong about me making him a better driver? (Although he then came fourth in Mexico City, so who knows?) I asked her whether Gio had made any comment about me to the press, maybe a few words of defence, but by all accounts he hasn’t spoken about anything other than driving. I don’t know whether that means he thinks I’m guilty of sleeping with Luc, or whether he’s just mad at me for what I said at the hospital, but either way I’m still hurt and kind of angry. It’s like I’ve been thrown to the wolves and all he’s doing is watching.
‘Hey.’ Ava nudges my shoulder as she sits down beside me. ‘I’ve been invited to a party tonight. One of the people I met at the internship is having a flat-warming. Why don’t you come?’
‘No, thanks.’ I shake my head. ‘I appreciate the offer, but I’m still not ready. You should definitely go, though. Oliver might be there.’ I nudge her back.
‘He will be.’ She actually blushes. Oliver is a gaming developer she met over the summer, the only person I’ve ever known her to display the tiniest romantic interest in. ‘But I want you to meet him, so you can give me your opinion.’
‘Still not certain about the chemistry?’
‘No, but I’m trying to be open-minded.’
‘Then give him a chance and see what happens.’ I give her a wry look. ‘If you don’t mind taking romantic advice from a notorious love cheat, that is?’
‘ Alleged love cheat.’
‘Guilty in the court of public opinion.’
‘Public opinion sucks.’
‘True.’ I push myself to my feet. ‘In the meantime, I’ll be here, gorging myself on cheese. If you bring him home afterwards, I’ll give you my opinion.’
‘I’m not bringing him home afterwards, and we don’t have any cheese.’
‘That’s why I’m going to Sainsbury’s.’ I reach for my phone and keys. ‘ See , I do go out sometimes.’
‘To the supermarket? Ooooh, fun!’
I stick my tongue out, then put on a baseball cap and large sunglasses, because I’m still not taking the chance of bumping into some irate F1 fan, and head outside. Sainsbury’s is a twenty-minute walk away, but that’s good for both my step count and my mental health, according to both my degree and all the wellness podcasts I’ve been listening to. It also pre-emptively works off some of my cheese guilt because if I’m going to gorge I’m going all in.
I raid the fridge section, selecting a range of European wedges, as well as a pack of cream crackers, then scan them all through a self-service till. I’m just turning to leave when I bump into the person passing behind me.
‘Sorry.’ I try to scurry away, but their voice stops me.
‘Maisie?’
I do a double take. I’m not in any of Dr Meyer’s classes this term, so I haven’t seen her since our meeting at the start of the summer, but she looks as elegant and cheerful as ever.
‘I thought it was you.’ She beams. ‘I’ve been wanting to catch up.’
‘Why?’ I feel a rush of panic. ‘Is something wrong?’
‘Not at all. I’m delighted that everything has worked out with your studies. I just thought you might want to talk.’ Her expression turns sympathetic. ‘I understand you’ve been having a difficult time recently.’
‘Um … yes.’ I feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment. I’d really hoped she hadn’t seen the story of my supposed affair with Luc. What must she think of me now?
‘Excuse me.’ Another customer pushes past us with a passive-aggressive sigh.
‘We’d better move.’ Dr Meyer gestures towards the door. ‘I was going to grab a coffee for the walk home, if you’d like to join me? Call it an informal tutorial.’
Ten minutes later, after some brief small talk about Dr Meyer’s summer trip, we’re walking through a park, coffees and shopping bags in hands.
‘I’m sorry I missed some classes at the start of term,’ I say, stepping aside to let a woman past with a pushchair.
‘Don’t be.’ She shakes her head. ‘I was worried at first, until some students told me what’s been going on. People can be very cruel, especially on subjects they know nothing about.’
‘The rumours aren’t true.’
‘Rumours rarely are.’ She gives me a sidelong smile. ‘At least now I understand where your interest in Formula 1 comes from.’
‘ Former interest,’ I say. ‘Gio and I broke up, but it was because of something else.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
I go to take a sip of coffee, then lower my cup again. ‘Dr Meyer, could I ask you something in confidence? It’s kind of personal, but I’d really appreciate an objective opinion.’
‘Of course. As your tutor, anything you tell me is confidential.’
‘Thank you.’ I stare into the distance, trying to decide how to phrase my question. The thing is, I don’t regret leaving Gio in Singapore after the things he said, but after my conversation with Dad, there is something about our break-up that bothers me, something I haven’t quite been able to put my finger on.
‘The reason Gio and I broke up,’ I continue, ‘is that I went to see him after his accident in Singapore, to comfort him, you know, and he said some things that were really hurtful.’
‘How so?’
‘They were about me and my accident. He said that I quit my biking career too easily.’
‘Why would he say that?’
‘He was angry at not being allowed to drive. He was actually arguing with his team principal and manager when I arrived. Then I agreed with them and it was like I’d betrayed him.’ I grit my teeth at the memory. ‘He said he wasn’t going to take advice from someone who gave up.’
‘Why did you agree with his team principal and manager?’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ I wrinkle my brow.
‘Not necessarily.’
‘Because it was medical advice. I didn’t want him to get hurt.’
‘That sounds reasonable. But did he ask what you thought?’
‘Um …’ I think back to the medical centre. ‘No.’
‘Did anyone ask what you thought?’
‘No, but—’
‘Then why offer your opinion? If Mr Bauer was already upset, why add fuel to the fire?’
‘Because …’ I stare blankly at her. ‘I guess I was trying to make him accept it.’
‘I thought you said you were there to comfort him? Did you think about how your intruding on a conversation about his career would make him feel?’
Suddenly I’m five years old, being scolded by my mum. ‘No.’
‘But surely you knew it was unlikely to make him feel better? On the contrary, it was far more likely to make him feel more angry. Betrayed even, as you said.’
‘That wasn’t my intention.’
‘No, of course not, Maisie. But it may still have been his perception .’
My shoulders hitch. ‘That still doesn’t excuse the things he said.’
‘Not at all, although it may help to explain them.’
‘Some things are unforgivable.’
‘Perhaps. Out of interest, how did you respond?’
I feel a powerful impulse to lie, only something tells me she’d know. ‘I said some things back.’
‘Such as?’
‘It might have got a bit out of hand.’ My shoulders are so high now they’re practically touching my ears. ‘In other words, you’re saying we’re both as bad as each other?’
‘I’m not saying anything. That’s for you to decide.’
‘But you’re suggesting that I started our fight?’
‘I’d like you to consider the possibility.’
I stop in the middle of the path. Because I have a horrible feeling she’s right. I did tell Gio he shouldn’t drive when literally nobody asked my opinion, and then, when he was upset and lashed out, I escalated the situation. He didn’t need advice, he needed comfort, and I ended up berating him.
‘Why would I do that?’ I ask because I really want to know.
‘Well …’ Dr Meyer gestures towards a bench, waiting until we’re seated before answering. ‘How did you feel when you heard about Mr Bauer’s accident?’
I think back to the moment when Izabel called me. ‘Frightened.’
‘Because you were afraid he might be seriously injured?’
‘Yes.’
‘Because you care about him?’
‘Yes.’
‘Love him, even?’
‘I don’t know.’ Like before, my mind shies away from the possibility. ‘But we knew he wasn’t seriously injured pretty quickly.’
‘How did you feel at that point?’
‘Relieved.’ I frown. ‘Yet also kind of the same.’
‘Still frightened?’
‘Yes. It was a lot to process.’
‘Were you still frightened when you saw Mr Bauer again?’
‘I guess so.’ I nod. ‘Also because it reminded me of visiting my mother in hospital.’
‘Your mother?’ She lifts an eyebrow.
‘She had breast cancer.’ It’s like my body is encased in ice suddenly. ‘She died seven years ago.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ She looks thoughtful. ‘In that case, it’s entirely natural that you would be frightened at the thought of losing somebody else you care about. Perhaps in the way you were frightened about your father earlier this year? Shock and stress can lead us to act in strange ways. Sometimes counter-intuitive ways, such as picking a fight with Mr Bauer.’
‘You mean, I broke up with Gio because I care about him?’
‘Perhaps.’
I gulp because there’s no perhaps. I did panic at the thought of losing Gio. I was in a state of panic the whole way to Singapore. I reacted to the news of his accident the way I reacted to my downhill accident and my dad’s heart scare. I panicked and ran away. I let my head take over from my heart again. Because I cared about him. More than I ever intended to. More than I realized.
In summary, I’ve really fucked up.
‘Urgh.’ I drop my head into my hands. ‘What a mess. I’m a terrible psychology student.’
‘A mess would suggest there’s such a thing as a clean and tidy psyche, which believe me, there isn’t.’ Dr Meyer’s tone is kind. ‘As for being a terrible psychology student, on the contrary, I think you’ll make an excellent psychologist someday. Empathy is important, but experience is invaluable. However, I do think that you need to talk to someone in more detail. I can recommend a counsellor at the university, if you like?’
My instinct is to refuse. I’ve become so good at deflecting any personal analysis in my degree and the thought of talking about this any more fills me with horror, but I know it’s important. If I’m ever going to be able to help anyone else, I need to help myself first. ‘Thanks.’ I nod. ‘That would be great.’
‘Then perhaps in time you might also explain all of this to Mr Bauer?’
I laugh because it’s way, way too late to say anything to Gio. For so many reasons too. I didn’t just provoke a fight, I said that I wanted him to lose the championship, then caused a scandal with his arch nemesis, then ran away. I burned my bridges and trampled over the embers too. I doubt he ever wants to see me again. He’s probably deleted my number.
To be honest, though, I’m not sure if I care what he thinks any more. Maybe I would have if the whole mess with Luc hadn’t happened, but it did, and then Gio abandoned me right when I needed him. He could have said something to stop the media attacks, but instead he let it happen. He’s the last person I need to explain myself to.
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘For the coffee, as well as the free counselling session. It is free, right?’
‘You can owe me a latte.’ She smiles. ‘In the meantime, if you have any more worries, my door is always open.’