Lights Out

TWENTY-EIGHT

AVA HAS A DATE with Oliver. Not a date date, she’s told me approximately five thousand times, just a film and maybe a drink afterwards. It’s a momentous enough occasion that I’ve opened a bottle of wine to celebrate while she finishes her make-up.

‘To Oliver!’

‘Stop it.’ She scowls at me in the mirror.

‘The man who’s succeeded where so many others have failed!’

‘Shut up.’

‘Out of interest, how long has it been since you last went on a date?’

She mutters something under her breath.

‘Pardon?’ I cup a hand to my ear.

‘I haven’t.’

‘What?’

‘I haven’t been on a date before. I don’t date. You know that. I go out, but I don’t date.’

‘Never?’

‘No.’ Her scowl deepens. ‘It’s not that weird.’

‘I know. I mean, of course not, but in that case Oliver must really be special. What did he say to convince you?’

She puts down her mascara and sighs. ‘If you must know, he wore a Fraser shirt to that flat-warming party, even though he supports Gold Dart.’

‘Wow. That’s some gesture.’ I smile slyly. ‘Doesn’t he know you still secretly support Quezada?’

‘How did you—’ Her eyes widen. ‘I’m sorry. I tried really hard to support Fraser. I’ve just supported Quezada for so long.’

‘Well, at least now you can stop pretending.’

She spins round on her stool. ‘Do you want to know how the season is going?’

‘I don’t know.’ I lift an eyebrow. ‘Do I? There’s only one race left, isn’t there?’

‘Yes, in Japan. But the championship could go either way.’

‘“Either” being Gio or Farron?’

‘Yep. They’ve both been driving well and getting points, but Farron dominated the last race. Gio could still feasibly do it, but it’s unlikely.’

‘Oh.’ I suck my cheeks in. ‘That’s a shame.’

‘I know. Are you OK?’

‘I will be.’ I feel relieved at the sound of a knock. ‘Your date is here. I’ll get it.’

I go to greet Oliver. He’s well-dressed, smells nice and is eager in a good way. He also looks suitably dazzled when Ava appears in light wash jeans and a black halter top, so I whisper my approval before hustling them both out of the door and settling down on the sofa.

I’ve barely picked up the TV remote, however, before there’s another knock.

‘What did you forget?’ I call out, though since it’s unlike Ava to forget anything I press my eye to the peephole to be safe.

‘Gio?’ I gasp his name through the door.

‘Yes.’

I don’t move, just keep on staring as my head spins with conflicting emotions: shock, fury, amazement, excitement. I hate the fact that I still feel the last one.

‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, because the shock is still dominant. ‘Shouldn’t you be in Japan?’

‘Tomorrow.’ He looks straight at me through the peep-hole. ‘Can I come in?’

I hesitate for a few seconds, then lift the latch and hurry away to the kitchen. I hear Gio come in behind me, but I don’t look back. I can’t believe that he’s here, just when I’d reconciled myself to never seeing him again! And after two months of no contact at all! Surprise gives way to anger. He could have at least texted to ask if he could come over, unless he really has deleted my number …

‘What do you want?’ I go to stand on the far side of the kitchen table before turning round and folding my arms defensively.

‘I needed to see you.’ He’s dressed in sweats and a hoodie, and his expression is open and apologetic. ‘Maisie, I’m so sorry.’

‘What?’ I blink. The words take the wind out of my sails. I don’t know what I was expecting, but not that.

‘I didn’t know about all of that stuff online, I swear. I didn’t think …’ He takes his baseball cap off, throws it on to the table and pushes his hands through his hair. He obviously hasn’t had it cut since the last time I saw him because it’s a mess. He looks like he just got out of bed; annoyingly, like everything else, it suits him. ‘It’s fucked up. The things people have been saying are sick. I didn’t realize how bad it was until –’ he drops his gaze to the floor – ‘my mum came to see me in Brazil.’

Wow. ‘She left the villa?’

‘Yes. She left Italy for the first time in thirty years because I wasn’t answering her calls. I wasn’t talking to anyone . She showed me what was happening online and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself.’ He looks up again. ‘You know, she really likes you.’

‘I really like her too,’ I reply. More than ever now …

‘The point is, she was right. I was feeling sorry for myself. When I saw those photos of you and Luc, I saw red.’ He clenches his jaw and I notice it’s not just his hair that’s different. His face is thinner too, like he’s lost weight, like maybe these past couple of months have been hard for him as well as for me. ‘But I was being selfish. I didn’t stop to think what it must have been like for you when those photos were published. I should have said something or posted something, or we should have denied the story together.’

I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath until I feel myself exhale. ‘Yes, you should’ve. So you believe that nothing happened between me and Farron?’

He nods. ‘Izabel told me, but I was so angry at first I refused to listen. But I never honestly thought that you slept with him. I guess it was just easier to stay mad at you after …’ His voice trails away.

‘After I called you spoiled, and said I hoped you lost the championship?’

‘Yeah.’ He winces. ‘It still hurts, but I don’t blame you for saying it, especially after what I said about your career. It was wrong and judgemental of me.’

‘Yes, it was.’

‘Which is why I need to put this right.’ He looks me straight in the eye. ‘I know I should have come sooner, but I’m here now, so tell me what I can do to fix this.’

‘So now you want me to tell you what to do?’ I don’t bother to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. ‘Because in Singapore …’

‘Because I should have listened to you in Singapore.’ He has the decency to look shame-faced. ‘Everything you said at the medical centre that day was true. I was so obsessed with winning, I would have been dangerous on the track, to myself and everyone else. So please, Maisie, tell me what to do.’

‘Honestly … I don’t know.’ I unfold my arms finally. Part of me wants to scream at him for all the abuse I’ve suffered, but I don’t want to end up like those people online either, motivated by hate and negativity. ‘Maybe it’s better to leave it now. If you say something, it’ll only start the trolls off again, and things are finally starting to get back to normal.’

‘Fuck.’ Gio clenches his fists. ‘I really am sorry, Maisie. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t lashed out at you, none of this would have happened.’

‘Actually … it might have.’ I pull a chair out from the table and sit down.

‘What do you mean?’ He looks taken aback.

‘I talked to one of my university tutors recently. She made me see that maybe I picked a fight that day. You needed my support and instead I made you even more upset.’

‘That’s not the way I remember it.’ He sits down opposite, his throat working as he looks at me. ‘I was the dick.’

‘But I provoked you.’ I look away as butterflies stir in my stomach. It’s not like I’d forgotten the effect those turquoise eyes have on me, but it’s just so intense in person. ‘I don’t know, maybe we both behaved badly, but she thinks that, subconsciously, I was trying to push you away because I was afraid of my feelings for you.’

He stretches a hand across the table towards me. ‘And do you think that?’

‘Yes.’ I look at his hand and then away again. I can’t take it yet because I’m not finished, and I need to focus on being completely honest, with him and myself. ‘The thing is, when I heard about your accident I was so afraid of losing you it scared me, and I couldn’t bear the thought of potentially losing somebody else I cared about.’

‘Maisie …’ His voice has a crack in it.

‘I only wish I’d realized all this sooner.’ I take his hand finally. ‘Then we wouldn’t have argued and I wouldn’t have gone for that drink with Farron. I should have listened to you and not trusted him, but I could never understand why you loathed him so much.’

‘I know.’ He stares down at our joined hands for a long moment. ‘It’s … it’s because of Adele.’

‘Your sister, Adele?’

‘Yes. She and Luc had a thing, about six years ago.’

‘But I thought he’d been married for ten years?’

‘He has been. He gave her some sob story about how his wife had changed and didn’t understand him, the usual stuff.’

‘Oh.’ I swallow hard because I think he gave me that story too. ‘Wait, they had an affair six years ago? But isn’t Adele’s daughter …?’

‘Giulia’s five.’ His eyes lock on to mine. ‘When Adele told him she was pregnant, he said he didn’t believe the baby was his. He accused her of trying to ruin his marriage. Her .’ A muscle throbs in his neck. ‘I couldn’t tell you this before because she didn’t want me to.’

‘And now?’

‘I asked and she said it would be OK. But as far as the rest of the world is concerned, Tommaso is the father.’ His features soften into a smile. ‘It’s basically true. They met while Adele was pregnant, so he’s the only father Giulia’s ever known.’

‘I won’t tell anyone, I promise,’ I say, feeling like my head is spinning again. ‘It must have been so hard joining Fraser with Luc as your teammate.’

‘It was. I told myself I wouldn’t let him bother me, but I was so angry all the time. I’m not defending my behaviour at the start of the season. I was an arrogant asshole. I drank and partied way too much, but I was trying to cope.’ He hangs his head. ‘You know, when Fraser first offered me the seat, I almost turned it down, but my dad told me not to miss my big break, not because of Luc.’

‘So your behaviour wasn’t just about feeling pressure because of your dad?’

‘It was both, which added up to a lot.’

‘Gio, I’m sorry. Not just for that, but for falling into Farron’s trap too.’ I feel a fresh burst of resentment. ‘I can’t believe he used me to undermine you! What kind of devious mind does that? I wish I’d punched him when I had the chance.’

‘If the paparazzi had caught that, I’d have framed the photo.’ Gio smiles and then turns my hand over, rubbing his thumb gently across my wrist. ‘But I don’t want to talk about him any more. If he beats me, he beats me. I’ve finally realized that some things are more important than winning. Like us.’

‘Us?’ I whisper the word.

‘Yes. I want us to try again, Maisie.’

I lick my lips, as I watch his thumb move back and forth, sending a familiar tingle up my arm and into my chest. It would be so easy to agree, to say I want to try again too, but …

‘I can’t.’ I pull my hand away gently. ‘Knowing why I panicked and pushed you away in Singapore is one thing. Stopping myself from doing it again is another. I’ve started seeing a counsellor, but I have a lot to process. What you do is dangerous, but it’s also a part of you. I understand that more than ever now.’ I take a deep breath. ‘Only I don’t know if I can handle it.’

‘Maybe you just need some time to think?’ His expression is so hopeful, it makes my heart ache.

‘But, Gio, I don’t know how long that will take. I need to get my head and my heart in the same place. If I don’t stop running from my issues and work through them properly, I know I’ll only end up making the same mistake again.’

‘It doesn’t matter. I’m not going anywhere. You’re worth waiting for.’ He leans back in his chair. ‘You know, it’s funny, after Iris I actually thought Bo was right, that I’d be better off with a fake girlfriend because that way I’d know where I stood. But then, after a while, things between us started to feel real, more real than I’ve ever felt before. But that seemed way too ironic, that a real relationship could turn out to be fake and a fake one could turn into something real. It took me a while to get my head around it, but now I have and I know this is it for me. So I’ll wait. As long as it takes. Unless you tell me to stop.’ He smiles softly. ‘Aside from anything else, I still owe you driving lessons.’

‘I think this is it for me too.’ I get up and move round to his side of the table. ‘But, Gio, I can’t make any promises right now, no matter how much I want to.’

‘I know.’ He reaches up and slides his hands over my cheeks and into my hair, pulling my face down and brushing his lips lightly against mine in such a sweet, barely-there gesture I almost forget to breathe.

We stay like that for a long moment, gazing at each other, before he pulls me even closer, angling my chin so that our mouths are perfectly aligned. But it’s still not close enough, so I wrap my legs round his waist, straddling him on the chair. This kiss is deep, so deep and yet so tender, it makes every nerve in my body vibrate with sensation. He tastes of mint and his tongue is soft and gentle, like he wants to take his time. There’s no rush, no frenzy, just a slow, building intensity that sends a thrill down my spine and makes my toes curl with pleasure. We’re both fully clothed, but I can feel his heartbeat, totally in sync with mine.

‘Gio …’ His name comes out as a moan as I slide my hands over his shoulders. I don’t know if I can get past the weight of my emotional baggage, and I don’t want to mess with either of our heads, but this feels right . I want him and, if the pressure pushing up against me is any indication, he wants me just as badly.

‘We should go to my room.’ I break the kiss long enough to murmur in his ear. ‘Ava’s on a date, but I don’t know what time she’ll be back.’

‘OK …’ He curls his arms round my waist, lifting me up as he stands and kicks the chair away.

I push my bedroom door shut behind us once we’re through, then turn my attention back to his mouth. Clearly he’s thinking along the same lines because we bump our foreheads together in the process. We’re kissing frantically now, one of his hands sliding up under my T-shirt while the other curves round my bottom, holding me up, both of us breathing heavily, like we’re in the middle of a race.

He drops me on to the bed and then steps back, wrenching his hoodie over his head and dropping it on to the floor. I’ve never thought of a hoodie as a remotely sexy garment before, but at this point I’m more turned on than I’ve ever been in my life.

I reciprocate by pulling off my sweatshirt and leggings. I want to be touching him again, preferably naked, as quickly and as thoroughly as possible.

‘You’re so beautiful.’ Gio’s gaze rakes over me as I remove my T-shirt, his expression so smouldering I feel hot wherever he looks, and he’s looking everywhere. He’s stripped down to his underwear now too, which is bulging in a way that makes me obscenely curious. So curious I find my fingers reaching for him before I can stop myself.

‘Fuck.’ He hisses a breath as I slip my hand inside his underwear and wrap my fingers round him. He’s big and so hard and …

‘Wait.’ I leap to my feet.

‘Wait?’ He sounds horrified.

‘My door.’ I sprint across the room, grabbing my desk chair and wedging it firmly beneath my door handle. ‘The lock’s broken,’ I explain, ‘and Ava will probably want to chat when she gets back so …’

I fall silent as I turn round again. Now that I’m more than a couple of inches away from Gio, I feel self-conscious in my non-matching underwear.

‘Sorry.’ I dig my teeth into my bottom lip. ‘I’ve ruined the mood, haven’t I?’

He stares intently at me for a few seconds, his gaze dipping down to my midriff, where my arms are now folded, and then smiles. ‘You haven’t ruined anything.’

He takes two long steps towards me and clasps hold of my wrists, gently pulling them away from my body before sliding his hands around me and splaying them across my lower back, drawing me closer. I can feel his erection again, only this time it’s between my legs and I can’t help but grind my hips against him.

‘Are you certain about this?’ He buries his face in my neck.

‘Yes. Are you?’

‘Hell, yes,’ he growls. ‘Only I didn’t bring protection. Please tell me you have some.’

‘You mean these?’ I smile smugly, reaching into my bedside drawer for a box.

We get out of our underwear somehow. Then we’re on the bed, and he’s on top of me and I’m so light-headed with desire I feel weightless, like I could actually float away if he weren’t there to hold me down.

‘I’m going to kiss you everywhere, OK?’ He murmurs the words between my breasts. It’s completely fine with me, only there’s something I desperately want to do first.

‘Afterwards.’ I grab at his shoulders, trying to pull him back up the bed.

‘Afterwards?’ He lifts his head.

‘Yes.’ I nod emphatically, and then, in case I’m being too subtle, I hook my legs round his waist again.

He inhales sharply, his eyes blazing as he rips a condom packet open with his teeth, slips it on and then slides inside me. I whimper with pleasure because of how wet and ready I am, and he moans at the same time. And then we start moving together, and it’s hot and hard and energetic and pretty much everything I’d expected from someone who loves to go fast and be in the driving seat.

Every time we move, it’s like we’re building together to an impossibly high peak. A small part of me worries that it’s genuinely impossible, that we’re aiming for a point I can’t reach, but then suddenly I do. I arch upwards as my body judders around him, splintering apart in a thousand directions.

I’ve barely started to come back together when Gio’s rhythm stutters and he goes still inside me.

‘Fuck.’ It’s a few moments before he rolls away on to his back, panting. ‘That was …’

‘I know.’ I’m also panting, but the cool air is a relief against my skin. I’m going to have to change my bedsheets because we’re both glistening with sweat, but I don’t care because I have bigger things on my mind. This is it, I realize, even though I know that right after sex is a terrible time to make any big life decisions. This is the moment I know I’m in love with Gio. Completely and totally head over heels.

And I have absolutely no intention of telling him.

I WAKE UP TO the sound of a mug being placed on the nightstand beside my head.

‘Good morning.’ The mattress dips beside me. ‘I made espresso.’

‘That’s the second time you’ve brought me coffee in bed.’ I smile over the top of the duvet, still groggy with sleep. Gio has opened the curtains, but the sky outside is deep blue rather than bright, so it must still be early. Even in the semi-dark, however, I can see that he’s already dressed. ‘What time is it?’

‘Five o’clock.’ He leans over and gives me a lingering kiss on the lips before stretching out on his side and curling his body around mine, though he’s on top of the covers and I’m still underneath. ‘I have to go to Japan. We’re taking an early flight.’

I nestle against him. If he’s leaving soon, then I want to be as close as possible while I still can.

He slides one hand under the duvet, down to my hip, while his mouth trails across the side of my throat in a way that makes me want to purr. The touch of his lips is like silk against my skin, even if his stubble is thicker and scratchier than usual. I’ve never felt more content. I could sprawl here for hours. Days. Millennium …

‘Did you know you twitch in your sleep?’ he murmurs.

‘What?’ I twist my head round indignantly. ‘I do not!’

‘Yes, you do. You twitch like you have too much energy.’ He grins. ‘I thought I wore you out last night, but I guess not. How many times was it?’

‘Not enough, obviously.’ I give him an arch look. The correct answer is four. Once soon after the first time, then again when Ava’s key in the front door woke us up (thankfully, she didn’t try to come in – my theory is that Gio’s Fraser cap on the kitchen table gave us away), then one last slow, sleepy time in the early hours. ‘But I still don’t twitch.’

He chuckles. ‘It’s cute. It makes me want to hold you even tighter.’ He grips me closer to prove it. ‘I could stay here all day.’

‘I was just thinking the same thing.’ I roll back over because the look in his eyes is too much for me suddenly. I know he can’t stay because he has a race to go to, and hopefully win, which means that this is goodbye, for a while anyway. I squeeze my eyes shut, breathing him in, savouring these last few moments together.

‘You could always come with me,’ he says.

‘What?’ My eyes snap open again. ‘I mean … what?’

‘Come with me, to Japan. I know it’s a big ask and I’m not trying to pressure you into making a decision, but if people see us together, they’ll know the story about Farron wasn’t true. We’ll say the only reason we haven’t been seen together since is that you’ve been busy at university. Then all the online abuse will stop.’

I feel a warm glow in my chest. It’s so sweet and naive, the idea that people might ever change their minds or say anything nice on social media, but he sounds so earnest I can’t help smiling.

‘I don’t think so.’ I press a kiss to his hand, so he knows I’m grateful for the offer anyway. ‘I’d be a distraction. People would be talking about me and you and Luc instead of the race.’

‘They’re already doing that.’

‘But I want you to be in the right mental space to win. That means you need to blot out Farron and all his poison. If I’m there, he might try something else and I don’t want to be used against you.’

‘I won’t let him.’ He nuzzles my earlobe. ‘Wait, are you analysing me again?’

‘Maybe a little. Sorry. But I can’t come.’

‘I understand.’ His lips go still. ‘I guess I’ll wait to hear from you?’

‘Three months,’ I say, pulling away from him to sit up. ‘Give me three months to give my counselling a chance. I can’t promise I’ll have an answer by then, but hopefully I’ll be closer to finding one.’

‘Are we allowed to talk in the meantime?’

I shake my head, causing his brows to lower. ‘I need to do this properly, which means no contact. But I don’t want you to feel trapped. You can still change your mind. If you decide I’m too much trouble or the wait is too long or you meet someone else, you only have to tell me so.’

He lifts a hand and rubs his thumb gently over my bottom lip. ‘I won’t change my mind. You’re not too much trouble. Take as long as you need and there won’t be anyone else. I told you, I’ll wait. We’ll take it one race at a time.’ I smile at the memory of my dad’s phrase. Our phrase. Gio smiles back, until his phone buzzes. ‘But right now, I have to go.’

‘OK. Good luck.’

‘Will you watch the race?’

‘Do you want me to?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then I will.’

‘Thank you.’ He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card. ‘I almost forgot. Give this to Ava and tell her to give them a call. They’ll be expecting it.’

I look at the card. It has Quezada branding.

‘Are you kidding?’ I look up at him in amazement. ‘That’s incredible! She’ll be thrilled.’

He leans down one last time, until our foreheads are touching. ‘Take care. Promise?’

‘Promise.’