Chapter 26
touched and sunk
victory
It took me more than fifteen minutes to convince myself that I have to part ways with Elena and let her go home.
My shoes dangle from one of my hands, and I’ve decided to enjoy a few more minutes of this magical night.
At this hour, the stars shine high above, and the sea has merged with the darkness to don a silver gown that glitters in the moonlight.
Feeling the caress of the water brushing against my feet relaxes me and clears my senses, still dazed by the drink and the effect of a spell that has brought me back to life like a phoenix wrapped in flames.
I must admit that I am as surprised as I am happy right now, that I am still trembling, that my cheeks ache from smiling, and that a hundred little bees are fluttering in my stomach, stinging and making everything that has happened feel so much more real and authentic.
I don’t want to go to sleep because I’m afraid that, when I wake up, the magic will have vanished, and I refuse to let it slip away.
When I left my bedroom this afternoon, I wasn’t expecting any of this; I was a bundle of nerves, with endless questions swirling in my head, and all I wanted was to find answers to every single one of them.
I wanted to know if what Jorge and Carolina had told me was true, and once Elena and I looked at each other, our feelings spoke for themselves, and my need to kiss her bubbled up in my chest until it overflowed because of the alcohol.
If you asked me right now what I want most, I’d say to turn back time and not have gotten divorced.
I want to believe that things happen for a reason, that fate wanted to teach me a lesson and show me everything I’d lost by focusing on my work; that this is its way of telling me, “Victoria, this is what you’ve always needed.
Look no further,” but once you make a decision, you can’t take it back, and all we can do is accept what comes our way to regain a little bit of happiness.
When I received the wedding invitation, the weight of the past fell on my shoulders like concrete slabs.
My first reaction was to pretend it hadn’t arrived, that it had gotten lost, as often happens with the mail; in fact, I hid the envelope among my work papers and carried on with my daily life as usual.
That sudden impulse, driven by my fears, came to nothing when I thought of Carolina and realized I couldn’t do that to her.
After I confirmed my attendance, everything happened so fast that I feel like I was on a frantic fairground ride, because I never thought I’d have the chance to salvage my marriage with Elena.
Or so I think. Now I no longer wonder about her feelings toward me, but rather whether we both want to give it a try, if we have the time to make it work, if we’re willing to leave our fears and the past behind and thus welcome a future we don’t know what it will be like.
I was the one most to blame for our first attempt being a failure, but now things are very different: I’m the boss, I can choose to leave my position and go back to her, to find other ways to make this relationship something lasting.
With the cool breeze brushing my cheeks, I relax and listen to my heart.
I’d completely forgotten how nervous, tense, and impulsive I get when she’s near me.
Had we been alone, I know the kisses would have led to so much more—and the truth is, I’d have loved to have been able to enjoy them.
I’ve missed Elena so much that every cell in my body reacted to her caresses, her warmth, her scent; I think I’m still flushed at this point, and I feel like that teenager who dreamed of her and avoided her the next morning.
Just a few steps from the hotel, I look around, mulling over the things that never happened between us.
We both wanted to spend our whole lives together, explore the future that lay ahead of us, experience motherhood, adopt a puppy, let the years go by, and watch our skin grow wrinkled.
I had the chance right in my hands, and I made the mistake of putting my dreams before hers, and I’ll always regret making her suffer like that.
I’d give anything to make her happy, to bring back the fireworks, the laughter, the shared dreams, the surprises, the gifts…
Determined to prolong this walk a little longer and forbidding myself from going to look for her, I sit on the shore and pull my legs up to my chest. I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing right now, if she’s made it to her bedroom, and if she’s smiling just like I am right now.
It’s impossible to know what will happen over the next few weeks, but what I am sure of is that I love Elena and I’ll do everything I can to make things work.
Starting with talking to Joana, apologizing to her, and ending a relationship that should never have begun.