Chapter 5 #2
There were twenty other girls whose parents hated them so much that they wanted them dead at eighteen?
Why? Did they have trust fund issues too?
I shook my head. I might not ever know the answers.
But I had learned before and continued to learn that the very rich were scary bastards.
Most of them anyway. They just were. No wonder my mother had run.
The smaller house was equally beautiful, only slightly understated.
The polished wood floors gleamed softly as I hung onto the knitted cap like it was a lifeline.
Light from the tall windows beside the door would usually spill into the entryway, illuminating the staircase that curved gently upward.
A rustic wooden console table stood against the wall, its drawers filled with woven baskets.
The round mirror above it caught the golden glow of the lamp beside it—that was the only reason we could see at all.
Outside, past the door, the lake stretched out into the distance, though I couldn’t see it now. Tall pines framed the shoreline, standing like silent sentinels that would keep tonight’s secrets.
Julian motioned. “Come upstairs. Oh, and the house has an alarm system. We don’t have the doormen, so we have the alarm. It’ll call for help if we need it. Code is 1842. Come.” I followed him up the stairs. There were doorways up and down a long hallway.
He opened the center one. “This one is yours.”
Mine? I stepped inside.
The room was illuminated in the same soft glow as the rest of the house, the same lamp casting gentle light across the neutral-toned space.
Two king- sized beds stood against the far wall; they had white linens and beige headboards.
It was like an expensive hotel room. I had never been in one, but I watched a lot of television, and YouTube was full of them.
Between the beds, a nightstand held the lamp and on the wall hung a framed painting that I would need to learn about if I was going to stay in this room.
The other side had dressers and a closet. But it was the far wall that caught my attention. Sliding glass doors. When it was daytime, I could open them and see outside to that lake that already seemed so serene.
“This okay?” Jules took my hand.
“Is it okay? Whose room is it?” It was hard for me to imagine any of them in this room. They weren’t really white- curtained guys.
“Yours.” He stared at me. “I just said that.”
“Yes, but how?”
He held up five fingers. “Five bedrooms. We all have a different one. Hardly ever here, but it worked out that way. Anyway, it seemed like it was meant to be yours. The idea is that this is your room. We would all like to stay in it with you but this is where your stuff is. The door to the bathroom is there. You have to share it with Barrett. Only Jer’s room has a solo.
Not sure how that happened. Anyway, yeah, you can tell us no not tonight, leave me alone. It’s your room. You aren’t sharing it.”
I blinked. “Thank you. But… I… I’m not sure what to say.
I’m overwhelmed.” It had never been permanently viable for me to live in Barrett’s room in NYC, but that had left with it a certain impermanence that I understood.
I was always being shuffled around. But this was mine?
What was I supposed to do with that? No one had ever given me a room like this.
I walked over to the window and stared outside. I wanted to love it here, except I knew there was an element to this place that wasn’t to be trusted, not for me, not the guys. Period. End of story.
Julian cleared his throat. “No pressure. I mean none, whatsoever, but can I stay with you tonight? Totally fine if you want some space.”
“You can stay. I would really like that.” I had missed it. Them with me. “All of you can stay tonight if you want. Why don’t we assume I always want that, and I’ll say no if I don’t? Like the assumption is yes?”
I really didn’t want them asking every night. That felt really awful, actually.
He nodded. “Okay. Listen, the rooms we’re in are Barrett next to you. Jer next to him. I’m on your other side, but we don’t share a bathroom, and Phoenix is next to me. Just in case you need to know that.” He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s been a long day.”
I smiled. “Are there days that aren’t long?”
“Yes, a lot of them. Days when I wish we had extra hours so we could be together. My birthday for example. I could have used six more hours in that day. Twelve. One hundred.” He shook his head. “Your point, however, is taken. Are you hungry? You threw up all that terrible steak.”
I laughed. He wasn’t trying to be funny. Except he totally was without meaning to be, which somehow made it funnier. “No, I can’t think about food right now. Sounds awful.”
“Okay. Then why don’t you take a bath. There’s a big tub in that bathroom.
Relax. I’ll come in in a little bit. We aren’t off the hook from work, so to speak.
Given that we’ve all decided to take a break from school, we’ve been assigned jobs to do with the fathers so we can be productive.
Well, except Phoenix.” He smiled. “He’s doing a different kind of work, the kind that keeps him clean.
Although he is hacking tonight. So, anyway.
I have to get my daily Stephen assignment done.
My suggestion that I could simply be allowed to write did not fly.
They support that dream but suggested I also had to support myself. ”
I shook my head. “You have a lot of money in a trust fund.”
“Yes, but Lents work.” He smiled. “We aren’t sit-around trust fund people. I feel that in my bones. So I have to sell the play. Or get it made somehow by someone other than me. If I can do that, they’ll back off because it will seem more career-y and less hobbyish.”
I took a step toward him. “They can’t have read the play. Then they would know this is talent not a fictionalized dream.”
“I love how you see me.” He gave me a small smile. “I’ve missed your eyes on me so much. Go relax. I’m going to finish my spreadsheet, and then I can come lie with you in bed. I may not sleep much. I don’t right now. But I want to be close. Save me a side if one of them finishes earlier?”
They had always been really good about giving Phoenix a side with me when he had been so needy. Right now, it felt like Jules was maybe the person needing that assigned space. Not that I considered sleeping with me to be such a privilege, but they did and that really was what mattered to them.
“It’s yours.”
He smiled. “So, obviously don’t take a bath if you don’t want to. I’m not trying to order you to do anything.”
I grinned. “Go. It’s fine. Yes, I want a bath. I haven’t had a soak in a tub in a long time.”
I closed the door behind him. One thing about this being my room—which blew me away—was that I could actually strip in it without worrying that I was going to interrupt whatever Barrett was doing.
I didn’t have to be locked in the bathroom.
But for that second I just looked around, opening my closet and the drawers.
They had really brought all of my stuff—which included basically my clothes and toiletries since I didn’t really have anything else—here.
The library book—We Have Always Lived in the Castle—that I had been reading before I had to go was here too.
Wow. The fees were going to be huge. And my computer was on a small desk in the corner with their granny’s journals.
I was home. I wiped at my eyes. I guessed home just meant wherever my stuff was, wherever they were, and wherever I was welcome right now.
I ended up undressing and sticking my stuff in the laundry basket by the bathroom.
I placed my knit cap on the dresser, I’d been holding it the whole time, and stepped into the bathroom.
I shared it with Barrett so that meant that actually I had to be careful of privacy in here.
Quickly, because I was already fully naked and not ready to deal with anything about that right then, I locked his door from the inside.
I hoped he wasn’t going to have to pee. Maybe I should have asked him if this was okay, first.
But then again this was Barrett. If I asked him, he’d say of course, stop what he was doing, and draw me a bath. I didn’t want to be that level of needy. At least not right that second.
I’d start with just thinking it was okay to lock him out for a little bit. There were other bathrooms. He could use one of those.
I would do that for him if he needed a moment.
I put the water on and looked at my surroundings. It was a very nice bathroom. Big. At least compared to the one I’d been using in Manhattan, which had been small, but then everything was slightly downsized there for space issues, even in big apartments.
It was pitch-black outside, so I didn’t bother to shut the curtains.
Of course, not doing so might be a stupid way to pick up a stalker who liked to stare at beat-up girls with scars all over them.
I shook my head. Catastrophizing wasn’t going to help anything.
The sound of the tub running helped bring me back to the now.
I could shut the curtains if I was worried but decided instead to leave them.
A small act of rebellion against my anxiety.
There was a white vanity to my left; it had a marble countertop that was clean and spotless.
They must have a maid here too unless one of them had taken to cleaning.
A simple mirror hung above it, and below it was the sink and soap dispenser and toothbrush holder.
There were two toothbrushes in it. One was blue, one was pink.
I was going to assume the pink one was mine.
That had Barrett written all over it: he’d want to make sure I knew it was mine right off.
I smiled at that touch. A towel rested on a ring beside the mirror.
I could see the renovation shows now if they came in here. They’d want two sinks, two vanities. It was fine by me to share. Intimate, sort of.
The water was high enough that I got into it and lay back, my head leaning against the frame of the tub.
Yes, the hot water was awesome. It pushed my thoughts away and left me sort of in a state of nothingness.
Maybe I should be worried about that except I would gladly take it over the mental gymnastics I’d been doing lately in my own head. Just quiet.
I breathed. I’d avoided the mirror when I got in the tub but after about ten minutes in the water, when the peace fled because there was only so long I could go without thinking—I was just built that way—I realized I should probably get a look at myself.
I sighed. It had been nice for a few minutes.
If there was a chance, I was going to buy some bath bombs to make the room smell perfumy.
I had two hundred and fifty million dollars waiting for me. I could pay the guys back.
That thought made me sit up. Oh I liked that so much better.
I hated being so constantly needy. I would pay them back.
I smiled. Whatever happened, I would pay them back.
There I went again, worrying about impermanence.
The idea they’d be done with me and I would what—transfer them money?
I got out of the tub. Yes, I wanted to pay my own way, but no I didn’t want this to become transactional. Fuck. Why was I always so confused?
I opened the drain and got out of the tub, letting myself stare in the mirror this time.
Okay . Let’s see what I looked like. Four months in that place.
What had they done to me? Jer had said I had lost a lot of weight and he might be right.
I’d need to get on a scale to see how much.
Maybe it was fashionable, but it didn’t feel pretty on me.
I had never seen my ribs before. Okay. My hair was gone.
And it was ridiculous to get teary over it, except that I did.
I ran a hand over my red fuzz. It would grow back.
It would. But the scars on my body were evident.
Lashes. Lifted skin. Red marks, some fading, some not.
And some bruises that looked newer. They were green and purple.
All right, it was bad. I’d wanted to see how bad and here it was. I grabbed a towel from one of the drawers and wrapped myself in it. I would make looking in the mirror something I did as little as possible for a while. At least until my hair had filled in.
I could do this. I survived. It was what I did.