22. Unforgivable
22
Unforgivabl e
Daisy
Lucy knocks on my door, but I don’t have the strength to tell her to come in. The door creaks open, and her head peeks in. “Hey, are you okay? I made you some tea.”
I sit up on my bed, my head pounding. “Thanks.”
She sits next to me, rubbing my back as she hands me the mug. “You haven’t come out of your room all day. Just wanted to check on you.”
I suck in a short breath. “I’ m fine. It just hurts, you know? Another disillusion. Another guy stringing me along.”
“I’m sorry.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder, hugging me tight.
“Everything makes sense now,” I say, bitterness burning my throat. “I’ve been replaying every moment in my head, and I can’t stop. My brain can’t stop. All the signs were there. I was just too blind to notice. He never cared about the names of my pets growing up or about my family. The whole time, he was trying to figure out my password. Everything he asked was a part of his sick plan.” I release a sharp laugh. “You know, Gary from IT basically told me yesterday.”
“What do you mean?”
“He joked that I was finally human like the rest of them because I forgot my password. I didn’t. But Asher probably tried to guess it while I was in a meeting.” I stare at my tea. “I just can’t believe he played me like that.”
“But you said that at the pier, he confessed he really liked you, and that wasn’t a lie.”
I scoff. “How can I trust him anymore? He’s been lying to me all this time. Nothing feels genuine. He ruined everything.”
I place the mug on my nightstand and lie back on the mattress. For once, I stopped being a pushover and went after what I wanted. I demanded Jan give me a promotion. But I don’t even think I deserve it anymore. I’m too naive for this world.
“I know,” Lucy says, lying next to me. “But maybe he’s telling the truth. Maybe he fell for you, for real. And that’s why he stopped.”
I close my eyes, reveling in the possibility for a second. It’s certainly what Asher was trying to tell me, but every time I consider that alternative, moments flash before my eyes. The times he pried for information, or how he was always eager to visit the office. I never saw it coming, but now, it’s the only thing I can focus on.
Asher
Peter just told the punchline of a joke, and Mom and Evan are both laughing. But I don’t think I’ll ever smile again. Even after everything that happened with Daisy, I still decided to stay here in Chicago to reconnect with my mom and brother. I don’t have a job in New York anymore, after all, and my dad is never home anyway. He and Michelle agreed to stop by next time they’re in Illinois. With my mom being sick, staying here felt like the right thing to do. But I shouldn’t have left Evan’s place today. Coming to dinner at my mom’s was a bad idea. I can’t eat, can’t smile or pretend everything is okay, because it’s not.
“I’ll be right back,” I mumble, standing up. I drag myself to the back porch and slouch on the steps. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking about Daisy and how I messed everything up.
“What’s up, Ash?” Evan says, coming out of the house and sitting next to me. “You’ve barely said a word since we got here.”
I prop my elbows on my knees. “It’s nothing.”
He shakes his head. “Where’s Daisy?”
A needle stings my heart, and I look away.
“Did you guys have a fight?”
I draw a deep breath. “We didn’t have a fight. I ruined everything.”
“What happened, man?”
I pick up a rock and toss it into the backyard. “It doesn’t matter.”
He slaps a hand on my thigh. “Of course it does. You guys seemed great together.”
I almost smile despite myself. “The thing is, we weren’t. Well, not at first.” I sigh. “But it doesn’t matter. I blew it. It’s over.”
“What exactly did you do? Come on, Ash! Just look at us, at you and mom. Everything is fixable.”
“Not this!” I snap, standing up. I step down to the yard and start pacing. “I lied to her, okay? I came to Chicago to steal information from her company, and I used her to do it.”
His eyes widen. “What? Why?”
I shake my head, kicking a rock on the ground. “Because I’m a dumbass. All for some stupid promotion.” I scoff at myself.
“Wait. Your boss asked you to steal information in exchange for a promotion?”
“And I accepted. I came here pretending I was interested in a job, but I was trying to steal from her company this entire time. Are you sure you even want me as part of your family now? I’d think hard about it, if I were you.”
He stands up, taking tentative steps toward me. “Of course I do. That doesn’t mean I condone what you did. It was definitely crappy.”
“Yeah, that’s one word for it. I’ll never forgive myself, Evan.” I brace my hands on the banister for support and bump my forehead against the hardwood. “I liked her, I really liked her. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and I blew it. How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I realize the second I met her that she was special and she would turn my world upside down? I could have put an end to this before it started.”
“Calm down, Ash.”
I snap my head toward him, desperate. “I can’t.”
He places both hands on my shoulders, forcing me to keep still. “You have to. This is eating you alive. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. You haven’t slept or eaten since you came to stay at my place.”
“I ruined everything, Evan,” I say, looking away.
“It’s going to be fine, brother. Just give her some time to cool down, and then talk to her.”
I shake my head vehemently. “She’ll never forgive me. Look how long I held a grudge against you and Mom—twenty-two years! And it took a determined redhead to help me see reason. Plus, it wasn’t even a slight against me, it was between Dad and Mom. You and I were collateral damage. Here, I lied to Daisy from day one. We weren’t even friends before that. There’s nothing between us but deception.” Not to mention she’s dated a liar and a manipulator once before , I silently add, anger bursting in my veins.
“I’m sure that’s not true. I saw how you guys were together.”
“I blew it, Evan, okay? Don’t try to deny it,” I yell, taking a step back. “If I could erase everything that happened, I would. But I can’t. So please don’t mention Daisy to me ever again.”
He raises his hands in surrender. “Fine, I won’t. But you’re going to have to get through this, man. I’m worried about you.”
I stare at the ground, wishing it could just swallow me whole. What I did was unforgivable, and I have no doubt I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.