Chapter Thirteen - Sebastian
WE WON, BUT it was by the skin of our teeth. My favorite fullback was hit hard and is now out for concussion protocol. I was blitzed almost too many times for comfort and ran the ball a few times myself.
It’s a win in the books, even if it doesn’t feel like one.
The game uncovered many of our weaknesses, some of which I wasn’t even aware of. Miami was solid, and if it weren’t for Owen, we probably wouldn’t have won that game. He was somehow able to shake the players covering him, making it possible for me to get the ball in his hands.
I don’t blame the team for wanting to go out and celebrate at the bars, but it wasn’t good enough for me. We could have done better. I’ve spent nearly the entire plane ride home watching the game review and going over everything. I know our coaches are doing the same.
We were so close to a national championship last year, and it slipped through our fingers. Not this year; I want to win. The mistakes we made in today’s game can’t happen again.
Owen nudges me, pulling my attention away from the replay I was watching on my iPad. “You good?” he asks, watching me closely.
“Just thinking about the game.”
“Dude, that’s all you have done the entire trip. It was a close game, but it’s a collective effort,” he says.
“You’re right. It is a collective effort, and I’m a captain. If even one person fails to prepare, that’s on me.”
“Cut yourself a break, Captain. We still won. Our asses will be handed to us at practice all week for how the team collectively played. This isn’t on you, and you shouldn’t sit here stressing about it instead of taking it for what it ended up being: a win.”
“Whatever you say.” I roll my eyes. Owen prefers to go over the film once we get back home, whereas I start on the trip back.
He pauses for a moment. “I, uhm—I talked to Thalia.”
“Really?” I’m unable to mask the surprise in my voice. I really wasn’t expecting him to say that.
“I apologized to her. Well, actually, she apologized to me first. I told her I shouldn’t have said what I said, but I don’t think I’m wrong to worry. Right?” Owen asks, looking grim. I don’t think he’s wrong to worry. I do too.
I’m glad that he apologized and took back what he said.
I’ve also said horrible things to her I wish I could take back. There’s a lot I wish I could take back.
“Right.”
“I’d like to believe nothing bad will ever happen. I don’t trust men. I know that I would never hurt a woman, I know that you would never hurt a woman, but random people I don’t know? Who knows what they would do? Lia’s my sister, and I love her to pieces, but to others, she’s a piece of meat they can use however they please. It makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes, I wish I had a brother instead; I wouldn’t have to worry about the wrong person trying to take advantage of her.”
A spike of guilt shoots through me, because I know what will happen with Thalia when we return to Duke. Fuck, I never should have agreed to her stupid proposition, even if Thalia has a valid point. One night, and we’ll get it out of our systems.
I haven’t allowed myself to think about her because if I do…I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.
I’m breaking so many codes by agreeing, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s been years, and I have tried so damn hard to forget how I feel about Thalia out of respect for my friendship with Owen.
I can admit I was a manslut freshman year, but I didn’t like how it made me feel, so I stopped sleeping around. I even went far enough to try to actually date someone. It didn’t last because I paid more attention to football than her, but I tried.
Sophomore year, Thalia was everywhere I went. I thought if I ignored and treated her like she was an annoyance, she’d leave me alone in my suffering. Then Lia kissed me, and I finally knew what it felt like to kiss Thalia after wanting her for so long.
Until a few days ago, I’d been relying on the memory of how it felt. I was a fool to sleep with Lucy to try to forget. It didn’t work. I’ve never been able to forget her.
“Thalia can handle herself, Owen. I don’t think you have much to worry about, but I get why you do. It’s awful to think about someone hurting her,” I finally say, and he doesn’t look quite so convinced. Lia might be tiny, but I know she could kick my ass if she wanted to. “When did you guys talk?”
“It was right before you came out of your room Friday morning. I wasn’t expecting anyone on the couch, and Lia scared the shit out of me when she said something,” he chuckles, shaking his head. “I didn’t realize she still has insomnia.”
“She keeps odd hours,” I say without thinking, and Owen looks at me in surprise.
“You know Thalia has trouble sleeping?”
Oh yeah. I know all kinds of things about Thalia that I shouldn’t. Sometimes, I leave my room with the hope Thalia’s out there awake. “We live in the same apartment. Not all of us can sleep through a hurricane. I’ve run into her a few times when I’m getting in late or grabbing a glass of water in the middle of the night.”
Now would be the perfect time to tell Owen all the things that have been happening. How I let his sister massage me after that hit I took in practice weeks ago. How I’ve also watched her early in the morning while she danced around in her underwear. Nothing about me and Thalia is innocent. It’s a fucking disaster.
Owen shakes his head. “She has too much energy for me. We work out too much for me to do anything but sleep through the night. I can’t believe you don’t.”
“You’ve always been a heavy sleeper. Don’t blame it on our schedule,” I reply as I look back at my phone. I choose not to mention how I don’t sleep because I’m also an insomniac. I have dreams about my parents dying that have yet to cease with time. I’ve never spoken to anyone about them, and today isn’t the day to start. “Are you okay with me continuing to watch this? Coach Harris will want to talk later to see if I reviewed the footage. I’m going to visit Mimi tonight, so I won’t have time to watch later.”
“How has she been doing?” he asks, and I tactfully avoid his gaze. This is another thing I don’t want to talk about today.
The last time Owen saw her, she at least knew who I was. Sometimes, she thinks I’m my grandpa. Other times, she thinks I’m my dad. There are very few days where she knows me as Sebastian.No one knows how quickly her condition has deteriorated.
“Good. She smiled and laughed last time I told her you said hello.” Which is true, but then she asked who Owen was.
“Do you want company? I haven’t seen her in forever.”
That’s kind of the point. “Sorry, I want Mimi all to myself today. Next time, okay?” I muster a pathetic smile. Owen looks worried, but he shrugs, thankfully not pushing me on it.
“Suit yourself. I bet Mimi would love my beard.”
Owen’s been a really good friend to me. I can only hope that one day he understands why I can’t stay away from his sister.
“No, she wouldn’t.” I laugh happily because I am certain of that. “Now, I really am going to watch this film. You should too. The other team’s safety almost caught you on one of those passes.”
~
“She’ll be so glad to see you. She’s having a good day,” Molly says, and I smile relieved at her.
“What room is she in today?” I ask, moving the flowers to my left hand as I sign the guest sign-in.
“In the sunroom.” Molly hands me a pass, smiling warmly at me. “Congratulations on the win the other day. We had it on the televisions in the main room. Andrew and Frankie said to tell you that you played like a champ, but your team could have done better.”
I feel my cheeks grow warm. “Thank you. You don’t have to play my games here, but I’ll say hello to them before I leave.” I wander through the halls, saying hello to those that recognize me and those that don’t. Their minds might not be there, but they’re still people.
She’s right where they said she would be, and a smile lights up her face at the sight of me. It must be a good day. I lean down and kiss her cheek briefly. “Hi, Mimi. I’m sorry it’s been a few weeks. Coach has been working us pretty hard lately.”
“Mark! It’s okay; I know that you’re busy. I’m just so glad to see you!” she greets happily, grabbing my hand to squeeze them tightly.
All right, I guess I’m my father today.It’s weird pretending to be someone I don’t remember, but at least Mimi’s smiling. That makes it all worth it.
“I stopped at Evelyn’s shop before I came and got you these.” I offer her the bouquet of flowers I brought, settling into the chair beside her.
Mimi smells them and smiles fondly. “Oh, son, they’re beautiful. Tell me more about that girl of yours; I think you said she was a cheerleader. ”
My dad was the quarterback at Tennessee, where he met my mom, a cheerleader, when they were in college. They passed in a car crash when I was four; I was the only one to survive. My grandparents raised me in a house a few doors from Owen and Thalia.
“She’s a photographer; do you remember Thalia?” I ask, knowing that the answer is probably going to be no. Mimi gave Thalia her first camera. They were really close. I don’t think anyone has told her about Mimi yet. I don’t know how to do that. Living it is hard enough.
Mimi’s face scrunches in confusion, and my heart sinks at the sight because I don’t want to confuse her. It’d be nice to have her in my reality instead of vice versa. I feel horrible for thinking that because I know it’s not her fault. “I thought her name was Carly?”
“Carly, you’re right. I’m sorry, I got confused,” I apologize, letting out a shaky breath. “So, I-I need some advice.”
“Of course, darling, what’s going on?”
I will try, and if it causes her to spiral, I’ll be my dad. I want to try to talk to her as me, though. I don’t have anyone else to go to. “There’s this girl I like, but I reallyshouldn’t. She’s my best friend’s little sister. Owen says hi, by the way. I kissed her last year, and then we got into a huge fight. Lia said some cruel things, but I’m not proud of how I reacted. I said some equally horrible things to her.”
I didn’t mean to, but everything Thalia said to Owen was a stark reminder of what my mother’s parents said when they asked me never to contact them again.
She smiles sympathetically. “Did you mean it?”
“No, of course not. She went to France the next day, and we didn’t speak the entire time she was gone. Now she’s back, and I live with her and Owen. Thalia is driving me up the wall, and we’re always arguing. She apologized for what she said, but I haven’t been able to apologize,” I explain, feeling quite stupid now that I’m saying it all out loud.
Mimi smiles and shakes her head. “Not that. Of course you didn’t mean what you said. Everyone says mean things. I’m asking whether you meant it when you kissed her?”
“Yeah, I did. There might be something there, but Thalia is Owen’s little sister. He’d never forgive me if he found out, but I can’t get her out of my head. She has a plan to work around it, but I don’t know if it will work. I also don’t know if I can get past what happened with her last time I almost let her in.”
“Mark, do you know what I think can be the saddest word but also the happiest word?”
I nod because I have it tattooed on me. I remember the first time she told me this, but it wasn’t when she called me Mark. It wasn’t when I was asking her about Thalia either. I was asking about my parents.
“Well, I’m going to tell you anyway. Almost. Almost is all the things that you could have done or didn’t do. No one other than you can decide whether she’s worth it or not.”
“I wish it weren’t this hard. Life would be much simpler if everything could be like your relationship with Grandpa. You made everything look so easy.”
The only thing I’m unsure about is whether Thalia is worth losing my best friend.
Now she laughs at me. “Oh, we are far from perfect. I think we fight all the time. We make a point of not doing it in front of you. I was so angry at him when he made you fall in love with football because I didn’t want to see you get hurt. I didn’t want my boy playing this game where people are actively trying to tackle him to the ground. But now here you are; I’m so proud of you.”
I smile at her. Mimi might not know it’s me, but she’s the most important person in my life. I wish I had more time to visit. Between school and practice and traveling for games, I’m spread thin. “I love you.” Being here and not being recognized by the person who raised me is difficult.
She smiles back at me, reminding me of all the times she’d bandage me up after I got hurt playing too roughly with Owen.
“I love you, too, Mark. Do you know when your father is going to come? I feel like I haven’t seen him in forever.”
I try not to let my smile dim, but it’s hard. Grandpa died of a stroke in his sleep during the summer before my senior year of high school. I miss him.
“He said he was going to come soon. I’ll give him a call after I leave.”
“He works too hard. Promise me that you’re still taking time for yourself. I know how hard you work, and I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I am,” I reassure Mimi, and she picks the flowers up to look at them closely.
“These are so beautiful. Thank you for bringing them. Make sure you get Carly some. She’ll fall in love with you for sure after that. What girl doesn’t like getting flowers?” she says, taking another moment to smell them.
I freeze at the thought of love. I don’t love Thalia. She drives me insane. That’s quite literally all it is. If I feel anything toward her, it’s lust. If she weren’t Owen’s sister or such a distraction, I might consider the idea of us becoming something more. I do like her, but is it worth losing everything else in my life that’s important to me?
Nope. Thalia’s right. We need to get each other out of our systems. A ceasefire.
“You’re right, Mimi. I’ll think about getting her flowers.”
She pats my cheek lovingly. “You’re a great kid. Now tell me about how the team’s doing. I want to hear everything.”
Today is a good day for her. I’m glad I came.