Chapter 19
19
AMARA
I probably shouldn’t be surprised, but I am, that instead of Lazaro taking my statement as an invitation to immediately drag me off to bed, he simply gives me a quick kiss, helps me right my pants, and tells me he’s going to draw me a bath. I stare after him in shock, unsure of what the hell to do now.
I feel wrung out after that intense discussion, but I also feel strangely lighter. Like I’ve finally gotten enough off my chest that I can take a big deep breath. It’s a strange sensation. I’m too nervous to stand here and wait, though, so I pick up the bag that Lazaro tossed aside and carry it back into the closet. I can hear the water running and smell something flowery, but I ignore it. I set the bag on the ottoman and start pulling everything out and putting it away.
If shit goes south, I can always pack up again. Or so I’m telling myself. I might be making a huge mistake, but time will tell. I made the decision, and now I’m sticking with it.
I’ll just keep my scissors, clippers, and some funky hair-dye ready for if he fucks up and hurts me in any way.
By the time I finish putting everything back, Lazaro enters and gives me a warm smile. A frisson of pleasure slips down my spine at seeing him look at me that way. Is it always going to be like this? I kind of hope so. I don’t even fight when he scoops me up into his arms, bridal style, and carries me back into the steamy, dimly lit bathroom. “I hope it’s not too hot,” he says as he carries me over to the tub. Bubbles are foaming, and candles line the window’s edge. It’s romantic, and a part of me melts. He sets me on my feet and instructs, “Stick your hand in and check. I don’t want to burn your skin.”
I do as requested, loving the heat instantly. “It’s perfect,” I tell him with a smile. “Thank you.”
“Always, colombina . I want you to get in and relax, and when you’re finished, I want us to try a few things, alright?” Panic grips me, but he quickly adds, “Do not worry, dolcezza , I won’t push you into anything I don’t think you can handle. We’ll start off slow and easy, just like we agreed. I simply want you to get used to me touching you and making you feel good. We’ll go no further than you’re ready for, I promise.” I nod hesitantly, still not sure, but I said I’d try, so that’s what I’ll do. “Good girl,” he praises softly, leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead. “Now get in the bath and don’t worry about a thing.”
At his praise, that same feeling fills me the way it did when we were in the bunker. Heat and pleasure. Oh boy, I’m in trouble if that’s all it takes for me to give in. I hurriedly undress, tie up my hair, and climb into the bath, hissing slightly at the heat but then moaning as I sink in and it envelops me. Oh yes, I can definitely get used to this. The bubbles tickle my chin and I giggle. This tub is built for someone that’s taller than me, but I’m not complaining. It’s delicious.
I lean back, resting my head against a soft bath pillow, and let out a sigh of contentment. Okay, yeah, this is amazing. I’m ruined for any other kind of bathtub; all others will pale in comparison after this. My body floats slightly in the water, but the bubbles still cover me so I don’t overly care. I hear the bathroom door open, and Lazaro comes in, now wearing only a pair of simple black lounge pants that hide nothing. He has some things in his hands that I can’t quite make out in the shadows.
My gaze zeros in again on the way the pants cup him, outlining every inch. A part of me really wants to see him out of those pants, and see if my eyes are deceiving me, but the other part allows me to blurt out, “I know I said it before, but I really do mean it. That thing is not going to fit, and you’ll probably split me in two. I think we need to call this whole thing off, call it a good experiment and be done.”
Lazaro lets out a low laugh as he grabs the stool in the corner of the room and sets it directly behind my head, placing whatever is in his hand on the floor. I turn myself quickly to see what he’s doing, but all he does is sit down and grin down at me. “Like I said before, you can take me, dolcezza , and I’ll take great delight in making sure of it. But don’t worry about that right now. We’re not going that far tonight.”
I watch him dubiously. “You don’t want me to worry that you think that thing is going to fit in a tiny hole? I know we’re supposed to stretch, but there are limits.”
Lazaro’s face is full of amusement, clearly not taking me seriously. But I am not joking. “ Colombina ,” he tries to soothe me, but doesn’t quite manage to keep the humor out of his voice to accomplish it.
“Jesus Christ, it’s going to be like those memes where the giant train tries to smash his way through the small tunnel hole and get stopped with just the tip of it in. Blood, death, carnage.” I can’t seem to stop the word vomit, even as Lazaro outright laughs harder and harder, leaning against the edge of the tub to keep his balance, head hanging down. I turn myself completely in the tub to face him, still keeping my body under the bubbles. “It’s not funny, Lazaro,” I gripe. “It’s a serious problem we need to solve before we get too far into this.”
It takes him another full minute to get himself under control. He wipes at his face, and grins at me. “You, dolcezza , will always make life interesting.” Then he leans forward, reaching out to cup the back of my head and drawing me to him to press a kiss to my mouth.
Okay, this I can handle. I grip the lip of the tub, pulling myself closer and falling into the taste of him. He always tastes so good, and I love the way he kisses me. It’s like just the touch of his lips can erase any worries or fears I’m feeling and leave me able to focus on only him.
It’s not long before the kiss deepens, and I’m trying to get closer to him. I wrap my arm around his neck and pull myself into him, my belly bumping the pillow and the cooler air hitting my skin. I gasp at the sensation, pulling my mouth away and trying to jerk back under the water, but he holds me still. His eyes never dip down, staring into mine intently. “Shhhh, I have you. This is part of the exploring, colombina . To become comfortable with each other.” Gently, with the barest touch, he moves one hand from my back, along my side and back down just before the rest of me dips back in the water. My skin pebbles at the sensation and I shiver. My breath catches when I see the laughter in his gaze replaced with a dark desire.
My arm eases around his neck, and my hand comes down shakily on his shoulder. The heat of his body fills my palm, and I’m pretty sure he’s hotter than the bathwater. He brushes along my sides, his eyes never leaving mine, and my courage builds enough that I slowly let my hand move along his shoulder, over his collarbone. His only reaction is to adjust himself in his seat and lean closer so that he’s giving me more access to his neck, back and arms.
It’s so innocent, nothing overly sexual about this whole scene, but yet it’s far more erotic than I can comprehend. Nothing else matters but the feel of his hands on me, of mine on him. Of this careful exploration. My skin is on fire, my bones feel heavy, and yet light at the same time. I move my hand back up along his neck, and I hear his breath hitch. I repeat the motion to see if I get the same reaction.
I do. Oh, it seems someone is sensitive. The knowledge of that fills me with a kind of power I’m unsure what to do with. I turn my fingers so it’s my nails skimming along his skin, and this time, he closes his eyes for the briefest second before they flash back open, burning as they stare at me. Then it’s my turn for my breath to hitch when I feel one of his hands shift direction and skim across my ribs, then along the thin skin under my breast. He doesn’t touch it, but the proximity isn’t lost on me. My breath quickens and my heart pounds.
“Slow and steady, colombina ,” he murmurs, a low rumble of sound that centers me. “I’ll stop if you want me to. All you have to say is so.” Do I want him to stop? I focus on the feel of his hands, and realize that I like it. I shake my head. “I need you to use your words, colombina . I need to hear you give me permission before we move forward.”
“I-I don’t want you to s-stop,” I stammer out, the words hard to push past my lips, but I manage. “It feels good,” I add, trying to make sure he understands that I’m not just saying that.
His eyes search mine, but he must accept that I’m telling the truth, because he slowly and carefully moves his hand up to brush the underside of my breast. He rubs his thumb along, sending shivers through me, and unbidden, my fingers curl slightly into the side of his neck in reaction. He lets out a small sound, and his hand moves to cup my breast carefully in his palm.
It startles me slightly, but my body instinctively moves into his touch, arching forward. The roughness of his palm against my hard nipple is stark, and sends shocks through my body. I never knew my breasts could be so sensitive. All from a touch? How is that possible? His other hand comes up to do the same to the other side, but this time, instead of his palm, I feel his thumb and forefinger lightly pinching my nipple. Nothing painful, but it’s a shock to my system.
I gasp again, overwhelmed by it all. “Lazaro,” I whisper, my hands gripping the side of his neck like it’s some kind of anchor.
“Does that feel good, colombina ?” he rasps, continuing his exploration. “Do you like the feel of my fingers on your pretty nipples? I think you do, with the way they harden for me, and those sexy as fuck little noises you make. I wonder what you’ll do when I use my mouth, hmmm? Do you think you’ll like that too, Amara?”
What the hell is he asking me? He can’t seriously think I can give a straight answer right now, can he? Desire pools in my belly, the same way it did earlier and in the bunker, my core thrumming with heat and pressure. “Lazaro,” I rasp, staring into his eyes desperately. “Please.”
“Please what, dolcezza ?” he purrs. “Tell me what you need. All you have to do is tell me.”
“Kiss me.”
He doesn’t hesitate, leaning forward to take my mouth. I moan, arching and squirming to get closer to him, water splashing as I push my knees into the side of the tub to steady myself. Lazaro immediately moves one hand to my back to support me, ever the protector.
The sensation of his hand on me, and his mouth on mine, it’s so good. I want more. I want to make him feel this way too. This desperate need. His tongue sweeps into my mouth, and I don’t think, I just move my hands from his neck, and down along his chest. He groans into my mouth when my hands trail along his ribs, tracing each one, before I move as far down his sides as I can reach before reversing my path. My right hand finds the hard nub of his nipple, and I pause, pulling my mouth from his. It’s my turn to watch him as I run my finger around it, then lightly pinch it the same way he did with mine.
He lets out a low hiss, and his grip on my back tightens slightly. His other hand repeats the same motions on my nipple too, mirroring me. “Fuck, Amara,” he grits out as his face flushes and jaw clenches.
I immediately yank my hand away. “I’m sorry,” I rasp, worried I’ve hurt him.
He stops me, a hand coming to still mine and pressing it back against him. “No,” he assures me. “It feels so fucking good to feel you touch me, Amara. Never be afraid to touch me.”
“You’re so hard everywhere,” I whisper, looking down at my hand on his chest. “Is it wrong that I want to touch you everywhere too?”
His groan deepens and I look up at him sharply, worried I’ve upset him, but watching him, I can see him struggling. Like he’s trying really hard to control himself. Was my question that bad? Then his eyes open, and the utter lust in them makes my breath catch, and my body tremble. Is this what romance writers describe in their books when the main character looks at the woman he desires so much? Is this what they mean?
“You’re going to be the death of me, woman. Fuck no, it’s not wrong for you to want to touch me. My body is yours to explore, but if we don’t slow this down and get back to my plans, I might push you farther than you’re ready for, and I won’t break your trust that way.”
There is such determination, such sincerity in his voice, that something inside me snaps. Just utterly shatters. I don’t know why; it doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s knowing that he means it. I don’t allow myself to question it, or tell myself to stop, I simply get to my feet, uncaring of the bubbles and water dripping off me. Lazaro’s eyes immediately drop to my body, taking it all in, and I see his hands clench into fists on the edge of the tub as his gaze moves up and lingers on my breasts, before sliding down to my center. I move as quickly as I can, throwing my leg over the edge of the tub to climb out.
Lazaro is instantly on his feet, helping me, the desire on his face now replaced with concern. I don’t waste any time grabbing a towel and drying myself off. I try not to let doubt or panic creep in. Instead, I focus on my plan. “Amara,” Lazaro says cautiously, and I can feel him at my side, watching me uncertainly. “Are you alright? Did I push too far?” I don’t answer him, and instead toss the towel aside before I turn to look up at him.
Then I climb him like a fucking tree.
He grunts in surprise, but quickly helps me up until I’m able to wrap my legs around his waist, and we’re face to face. “Christ,” he hisses, his hands gripping my ass tight. “Amara, what are you?—”
“Stop talking,” I order. His eyes darken at my tone, and confusion is replaced by something else that I’m not sure how to name. I grip his shoulders tightly, hoping I don’t lose my nerve. “I’m tired of letting them win, and I’m tired of feeling like they took all my choices from me. You shouldn’t pay for them either. You shouldn’t be afraid that you’re going to push me too far, or have to go so freaking slow that it’s almost glacial. So no, Lazaro, no more questions, no more teasing or testing the waters to see when I freak the fuck out. This time, I’m making the choice. Not you, not them, not my stupid fear. Me. And if I do freak out, then I expect you to help me through it, because I believe you when you promise you will.” I weave one hand up the back of his neck and into his hair, gripping tight. “So you’re going to kiss me, and we’re going to see what happens from there.”
To make sure he knows how serious I am, I press my mouth to his before he can say anything else and somehow talk me out of it.
For a heartbeat, he doesn’t react, but then he’s kissing me back just as passionately, and his own hand snakes its way up my back and grips the messy bun on top of my head, using it to hold me still as he plunders my mouth.
There’s no barriers between us now. Nothing to hold us back, and I’m swept away in it all. The only focus I have is this man and the way he makes me feel; how he tastes; how he smells. There are no shadows allowed here. I’m moving forward.
Lazaro suddenly yanks his mouth from mine, and we’re moving. The jarring motion of him walking and my clit rubbing against his belly sends streaks of pleasure through me, and to try and stifle the sound, I press my face into his neck, burrowing in. I feel and hear his low rumble of pleasure, and I want to hear it again. So I nuzzle him again, but then press my lips to his heated skin. I can taste his salt on my lips, and I want more. I carefully trace my tongue down the column of his throat. “ Colombina ,” he grits out, even as his fingers flex on my ass again.
The pleasure of it, but also the slight pain of his grip, pulls me out of the moment a little bit, but not enough to make me want to stop. Instead, I run my mouth along his shoulder, tasting him there too, before making my way back to his neck when he doesn’t react the same way. I kiss my way up under his jawline and ear, but before I can taste him again, I realize that he’s stopped. I pull back and stare into his eyes. “Did you not like that?” I ask, worried I’ve done something wrong. Maybe he doesn’t like to be licked. Or at least not there.
“ Colombina , I like it enough that I’d probably cum if you kept at it,” he laughs harshly. “Your innocent touches, they’re like an arrow straight to my cock. I’m not going to survive if you try to lick me anywhere else.”
I blink at that. “Really?” I can’t help the proud smile that pulls at my lips.
His lips quirk up wryly. “You underestimate the hold you have on me, Amara. I feel like a fucking boy about to have his first time, praying I won’t blow too early. Which is why…” Before I can figure out what he’s about to do, he tosses me away from him, and I screech in surprise as I land in the middle of the bed. I lay there for a second before I lift my head to glare at him. He gives me a boyish grin as he moves to stand at the end of the bed.
“How the hell does throwing me help you?” I demand, going up onto my elbows. A voice in the back of my head is trying to remind me that I’m freaking naked in front of him, completely vulnerable, but I’m too amped up to listen. The man freaking threw me like some kind of doll or something.
“Well, I get to see you laid out all pretty and naked for me, but also it gives me a second to get myself under control,” he answers honestly, waving at the erection currently tenting his sleep pants.
I look at him and swallow hard. Yeah, no, I’m not thinking about that yet. I’m still not convinced that thing is getting past the gates, let alone inside me. I force myself to look up at him, and note that his smile is gone. In its place is the look of a man appreciating the view. I glance down at myself and realize that I’m pretty much showing him everything.
I fight back my insecurity, and I remind myself that I’m safe. I glance down again. Well, he hasn’t lost his hard-on, so I guess that means he doesn’t hate what he sees. But then again, I doubt any man loses a hard on if he’s in front of a naked woman, even if she isn’t his normal type.
“You’re fucking perfect,” Lazaro rasps, his gaze finally moving back up to mine. “I can’t wait to feel you, Amara. I’ve been fucking dreaming of it since the moment I first laid eyes on you.” His hands clench and unclench at his sides, like he’s holding himself back from touching me.
We stare at each other, neither of us ready to make a move, and the longer I lie here, the more shaky I feel. Alright, I guess that means I need to be the one to make the moves. “Stop staring at me and get on the bed,” I order roughly. “I’m about to chicken the hell out.”
That seems to do the trick. Within seconds, he’s on the bed and reaching for me, and rolls us so that I’m sprawled over him. I appreciate him not trying to crush me. To keep myself from thinking too hard, I quickly kiss him again. No need to let any pesky thoughts get in there.
Lazaro takes control of the kiss, his hands moving over me expertly, seeming to know which parts of me to apply more pressure to, while others to skim. His hand cups my ass again, pulling me up his body even more, before he yanks his mouth away and rasps, “Fuck, I love your ass. I have a lot of plans for it, dolcezza .” To punctuate his statement, he gently parts my cheeks, watching me with hungry eyes.
I shudder at his words and the feel of cool air touching parts of me that are now exposed. Why is that so sexy? Why does that excite me? “I don’t know if I want to know what those plans are yet,” I breathe, my eyes fluttering closed as he eases up and presses a soft kiss to my neck. The feel of his mouth and the way he’s exposing me is so different and yet so perfect.
“I think you do,” he purrs, removing one hand to trail slowly up my spine before moving back down. “I think you want to know all the dirty things I plan on doing to you, my sweet Amara, don’t you? You want to know that I plan on fucking you from behind to see those sweet cheeks bounce. And you certainly want to know how I plan to mark it with my teeth and hands, isn’t that right?” He grips my ass again tightly, and I moan. “But I know you’re not ready for that yet, so we’ll work our way up to it. First, we’re going to get you used to my mouth on other parts of you.” He flashes me a wicked grin when my eyes fly open. My body flushes, and he gives a low chuckle. “Oh, yes, someone likes that idea, don’t they? Is that what you need, colombina ? You need my mouth on you?”
Some sort of sound comes out of my mouth that he must take as agreement, because he cups the back of my head, pulling it down so that he can lift his face into my neck. His lips start to move along my skin, the same way I did to him, and I want more. I turn my head, and he makes a sound of pleasure as he tastes his way up along my jaw to my ear. A gasp and moan fill the air when he lightly nips his teeth along a sensitive part of my neck.
Oh my God, what was that? Instant streaks of ecstasy fill me, and I arch into him, wanting more, my core pressed so tight to his belly that I’m shocked I haven’t sunk into him. “Oh, someone likes that,” he purrs. “Let’s try that again, but this time…” He moves down my neck to the crux, nipping again but just a little harder, and that same feeling fills me. When I arch into him again, he grips my hips and gently starts to move them in a way that has my clit swelling and rubbing against him.
I’ve never felt anything like this, but I love it. I want more of it. I want to make him feel the same, but I don’t know how, so I stay still, allowing myself to enjoy the moment, to enjoy the feeling inside me, until it’s not enough. I need more. “Lazaro,” I whisper.
“Do you need more, colombina ?”
“Yes. Yes, please, more.” What more there is, I don’t know yet, but whatever he’s offering, I want it.
He rolls us so that he’s hovering over me, and my desire instantly cools as I stare up at him. It’s like that one movement gave my mind the opening it needed to remind me of why I never wanted to do this. My mouth goes dry as I stare up at him, a roaring fills my ears, and panic consumes me. My heart pounds, and I can feel my breathing picking up, loud enough that it echoes with the roaring.
Lazaro instantly lifts himself off, pulling me up into his arms, cupping my face in his hands. “Amara, it’s alright. You’re safe. Come back to me.” He says the same words over and over again; I struggle to latch on to them, memories assaulting me. Then he presses a kiss to my forehead, and it’s the jolt I need. The roaring dies, my heartbeat slows, and the darkness starts to slide away to wherever it was hiding. I’m shaking, but I wrap my arms around Lazaro, burrowing my face in his neck. He must realize that I’m back with him, because he just rocks me, and I hear him murmuring apologies. “I’m so sorry, colombina . I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard.”
“No, I wanted you to.” I sniffle, battling back the tears that want to bubble up, both of relief and frustration. Is this what my life is going to be like? I was so good, up until that moment, and then I just had to freak out? Had to ruin it? “I want you to do all the things, Lazaro, and I like what you were doing, but then you hovered and it just triggered stuff. I’m sorry.”
He gently pulls me back and gives me a hard look. “What did I say about apologies, Amara?”
“But—”
“No buts and no apologies, Amara. Now we know, me above is going to be hard for you, so we learn and we adapt, simple as that. You were fine when you were atop me, right?” I nod. “Is it hovering in general, or my size that bothered you?”
“The hovering,” I say after a moment. “I don’t mind your size. I actually like it, but when you were over me that way, it just reminded me of…” No, I don’t want to go there. “It just reminded me,” I repeat dumbly.
He rubs at my back soothingly. “Then we find another way for you to be comfortable. Sex is not just one way, dolcezza . It’s any way we want to make it. But for tonight, I think that’s enough. You did so well.” He kisses along my jaw. “I’m so proud of you, colombina .”
Then why do I feel so disappointed? A part of me knows he’s right, but the other larger part wants me to keep going. To keep trying. Keep pushing. “I don’t want those fuckers to win,” I whisper angrily.
“They’re not. They are not winning, simply because you are the one that is making the decisions on what you do, Amara. You’re sitting in a bed with me, naked, and thinking and feeling for yourself. You have done more just now than you ever have, right? That counts for so much more than you know.”
“But every time this happens, they win, Lazaro. It’s like, in my head, they’re laughing at me, knowing that I’m so messed up by all of them that I can’t do anything related to sex without thinking of them.”
He’s silent for a moment. “Amara, this is only our first try. We did not build Rome in a day, and there are many times things don’t go the way we want on the first pass at it. For tonight, we go to sleep, and we try again when you’re ready.” I want to argue some more, but he’s right. I nod slowly, and he smiles softly. “Good girl. You get in bed, and I’ll go deal with the bathtub?” I nod again, still not feeling happy about this whole turn of events. Lazaro presses a soft kiss to my lips, and whispers, “I’m so proud of you, colombina ,” before releasing me.
I slip off him and watch as he heads into the bathroom, feeling a mixture of pleased but also still a bit pissed at myself, before I finally give in and crawl up to slide under the covers. I burrow in, but the second my head hits the pillow, it’s like my entire body realizes just how exhausted I am.
We’ll try again tomorrow, I think sleepily. And this time, I’ll get it right.