Chapter 20
20
AMARA
I wake with a start, my heart pounding hard in my chest as my eyes fly open and I realize just how dark the room is. I fight back a whimper as I try to calm myself and keep my breathing even. Shadows flitter around the edge of my consciousness, dark and foreboding. I grip my pillow tightly, telling myself to calm down. That I’m fine, I’m safe. To try and go back to sleep.
I gasp when I feel arms tightening around me, and terror slithers down my throat until I hear a sleepily murmured, “Shhh, I have you, colombina .” Instant relief fills me, the kind that has my body going slack, and the panic abating. I turn toward myself toward him, burying my face in his chest and wrapping myself around him. I feel him nuzzle the top of my head, his hand moving soothingly over the middle of my back. I keep breathing him in; he’s so warm and smells so good that it pushes the rest of the demons in my head away. I don’t care about the dark with him holding me.
“Was it a nightmare?” he asks quietly.
“I don’t remember, but I think so,” I whisper back, easing away a little to try and see him. I can just make out the edge of his jawline, but everything else is shrouded in the darkness. “I panicked until you talked to me, and it snapped me out of it. I, um, I’m not a fan of the dark.”
He stills his hand. “The dark?” he repeats carefully.
“Everything bad always happened in the dark. Sneaking into my room, the abuse, and even Clay and Corey, they figured out I hated it and would take away my nightlight after they raped me. They’d leave me drugged and stuck in pitch darkness until I could finally move again and turn on the light. They did it over and over, and now I can barely stand it.”
His body goes rigid. “Those fuckers,” he curses, and I can all but hear his jaw grinding. “Let me turn on the light, dolcezza .”
“No,” I say quickly, tightening myself around him when he goes to pull away. “No, just wait. I…I want to try something.” He remains in place, not saying anything. I swallow hard, because this is another impulse that I’m fucking hoping isn’t going to bomb like our experiment earlier. I hope he won’t reject it. I scoot myself up until my nose bumps his chin. “Kiss me,” I whisper. “Please.”
Lazaro doesn’t hesitate, reaching up to cup my jaw and angle my head. It’s a slow, gentle kiss, but it keeps me grounded, anchored to him and nothing else. I move my free hand down over his shoulder, feeling the hardness of his muscles, the smoothness of his skin, and even a few ridges of scars that have healed over time.
It’s a tender exploration, and when I reach his wrist, I go back up and then move my hand down slowly over his chest, ribs, and down his side to his hip, fingers brushing along the band of his lounge pants. The kiss picks up as I move my hand inward, along the ridges of his belly, examining each ab carefully, relishing the strength of this man. I move my hand back up between us, my finger flicking over his nipple quickly, earning a sharp groan from him as he pulls away. “Amara,” he rasps warningly.
“I’m tired of being afraid, Lazaro,” I tell him softly. Somehow being in the dark, and not able to see his expression isn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It’s almost easier this way. “Help me replace the bad memories with some good. Help me enjoy the dark instead of fear it. Help me banish the demons that constantly want to take over. Please, Lazaro.”
At first, I think he’s going to tell me no, but maybe he realizes how much I need this, and instead of arguing, he orders, “You’ll tell me if you have to stop, Amara.”
“Yes,” I promise. I press my mouth back to his, done with talking. He kisses me back, more passionate than before, and doesn’t fight me when I push at him to lie back, rolling us so that I’m once again above him. His hands slide down to my ass, gripping them tight, but I pull my mouth away. I want to explore, and just like he was doing with his mouth earlier, I want my turn.
I move along his jaw, down his neck, and over his shoulder. “You’re so soft and so hard at the same time,” I murmur as I ease down, kissing the top of his pectoral.
“Fuck,” he breathes, and his fingers dig deeper into the flesh of my cheeks as I continue to ease my way down. The darkness is still there, but instead of fear, I feel emboldened. I focus on using all my senses to figure out what part of him my mouth and hands are touching. Muscles quiver, and skin pebbles as I move my mouth and hands over his chest, and another low groan fills the air when my nose nudges over his right nipple. I pause, doing it again, recalling how he acted when I pinched him earlier. Another slight jerk, but he doesn’t stop me.
I remember reading a scene in a book where a woman sucked on the man like he did to her, and he loved it. I wonder if Lazaro is like that. Or is it just a man thing? I glance up, but I can’t make out anything in the darkness. My resolve wavers just a little, but I push it away. No more of that. I press my lips to the hardened peak, then tentatively extend my tongue to brush against it. His entire body locks up, and he lets out a hiss that sounds almost pained. I rear back, terrified I’ve done something to upset him, but he quickly stops me with a hand cupping the back of my head. “Fuck, do that again, dolcezza ,” he grits out. “I’ve never had someone do that and it feels so fucking good.”
Oh, well, okay then. I do it again, still keeping the stroke of my tongue light, but when I go a little harder, allow my mouth to get a little closer, he lets out a strangled groan, and his grip on the back of my head tightens. I push back against his hand, and he lets me up; I move over to the other one, doing the same thing. He gives the same reaction, until I finally pull away, wishing I could see his face.
Instead, I ease myself down, trailing my mouth and hands along the center of his stomach, tracing each ab with my tongue. Mmm, I’ve never cared about a man’s appearance, but I can definitely appreciate Lazaro’s and how well he takes care of himself.
I finally reach the band of his pants, but I’m not brave enough to do anything about them. Instead, I carefully ease back, feeling his erection pressing against the crack of my ass. I sit there, not moving, barely breathing. There’s only a thin barrier of fabric between us, and the heat and hardness of him is heady and terrifying all at the same time.
The train meme flashes through my head once again, and I barely manage to hold back hysterical laughter, even as fear fills me. I don’t know about length since he’s still constrained, but girth, the man has it in spades, there’s no mistaking that. There is no way it’s not going to hurt when I eventually try to take it inside me, and it’s a pain I know all too well. Memories try to flood back into my mind.
“Are you alright, colombina ?” Lazaro asks, his voice tight.
I swallow, closing my eyes and breathing deeply. “I really don’t want it to hurt, Lazaro,” I whisper eventually, brokenly. “It’s always hurt.”
“Amara,” he says, and I feel him reach for me.
“No,” I say, resisting when he tries to pull me away from him. “I just…just give me a minute.” He hesitates, but he slowly lowers his hands from me, his entire body tense.
I sit there for a long time, just letting myself feel and process. I feel stupid, but Lazaro waits patiently, not saying anything, letting me take as long as I need. I carefully adjust myself against him, until I finally work up the courage to slowly reach behind me and brush the back of my fingers along the length of him. It’s an awkward angle, but it gives me the freedom to quickly pull away when I feel him move under my touch. Just the slightest movement, but enough that I wrench my hand away. Again, silence. The only thing filling the space is our breathing, mine slightly laboured, and his harsher than before.
I take another big breath and reach back around, forcing myself to touch him longer, firmer. I need to get past this. Lazaro lets out a choked sound when I awkwardly stroke my hand over him. He doesn’t say a word, though I swear I can feel the heat radiating off him increase with each stroke.
Finally, I feel bold enough to cup him, letting him fill my palm. “Fuck,” he hisses, and I swear I hear something tear, but I’m too focused on what I’m doing to care. Instead, I release him and quickly scoot down so that I’m sitting on his upper thighs, and he’s now between mine. “I swear this is going to be the sweetest death, colombina ,” Lazaro gasps when I take him in hand again. “You keep that up and I’ll be embarrassing myself.”
That excites me. I don’t know why, but knowing that I’m having such an effect on him, even with how little I know about pleasing a man…this kind of power is addicting. “This excites you? Just me touching you this way?” I ask him, firming my touch just enough to have him groaning.
“You have no idea,” he grinds out. “Everything you do excites me. I want to show you everything, but a man can only take so much.” He lets out a low string of Italian when I rub him once more before I finally pull my hand away.
“It’s really annoying that I can’t understand you,” I tease him lightly, planting my hands flat on his stomach and scooting forward under he’s pressed against my mound, stilling at the fullness against me. It’s different, feeling him this way, knowing how close he is to the most intimate part of me.
Another quiet litany of Italian, before he rasps out, “I’ll teach you.”
“I’ve always wanted to learn another language,” I breathe as I brush myself against him, just a slow movement of my hips, feeling the way my lips part, how my body heats at the feel of him now pressing against my clit. A clit that is starting to feel more pressure and pleasure than ever before with each light brush. “I don’t remember anything ever feeling like this,” I whisper, moving a little faster, pressing a little harder, relishing the sensations spreading through me, building slowly, one at a time. “I-I tried once,” I gasp, my brain starting to short circuit a little, making it hard to think. “I read a book that talked about a woman learning to touch herself to see what she liked. I thought it would be a good way for me to start getting better, but it felt so wrong, so weird. Nothing like this. Nothing like this pressure that’s building. I stopped, but I don’t want to stop now.” I curl my fingers into his stomach as I start to grind against him.
Oh, yeah, right there.
Lazaro releases a guttural groan, one I feel all the way deep in my bones. “Then don’t stop,” he coaxes, and I feel his body curling forward under my hands as he grips my hips tight and encourages me to move faster and harder against him. “Make yourself feel so good, Amara,” he praises. “Use me until you’re satisfied. That’s it, dolcezza . Fuck, yes, that’s it.”
I keep moving, desperately chasing the pleasure blooming within every part of me. I spread my legs wider, needing more, needing the connection. The combination of the fabric and the hardness of him against my clit sends so much sensation through me that it’s almost too much, and I can’t hold back the gasps of pleasure that tear from me.
I shamelessly move over him, grinding and using him. He whispers encouragement, helping me and guiding my movements for maximum pleasure. If this is what actual sex is going to be like, fuck, I might not survive it. Suddenly, the pressure inside me builds to overwhelming heights, and my eyes fly open. “Lazaro,” I cry, desperate to understand and figure out how to handle it.
“It’s alright, colombina ,” he praises, curling forward even more, his face close to mine. “Keep going, don’t be afraid or fight it. I have you. Keep holding on to me and I’ll help you. That’s my good girl.”
He keeps uttering words, but I’m long past hearing them. I’ve lost all sense as I keep moving over him, chasing the pressure, the need, inside me. My body jerks, feeling almost pained at the sensation prickling through me, until I can’t hold back anymore. I’m terrified as I feel it swamp me, a cry of alarm and relief filling the room as I feel it peak and start to ebb. I keep moving, chasing it, until I can’t anymore, pain beginning to dull the delicious sensation, and I finally go still, gasping for breath and shaking from it all.
“Fucking beautiful, colombina . Next time, I want to see it. Fuck, I almost came in my pants. So fucking perfect.” A different kind of pleasure sweeps through me. The kind that comes from his words, and a dopey smile slides across my face. God, I am definitely glad he can’t see me right now. “How do you feel?” he asks, a hand coming up and brushing along my sweat covered brow.
“I had no idea,” I admit. “Is it always like that?” I lean into his hand, nuzzling it and the languid satisfaction warming me.
“That was only the start, dolcezza ,” he promises, his voice alight with amusement. “There is so much I can’t wait for you to feel and explore.”
“More than that? Show me.” I’ve had a taste, now I want more. I want the whole damn meal.
Lazaro groans. “Amara, I know you’re feeling good after that, but I don’t want to push you.”
“You’re not. I really am good, Lazaro. Better than good, actually. Now, when I think of the dark, I’ll think about this moment instead of all the bad ones. I want more. I want more memories to hold on to when just one won’t do. I need you to show me. Please.” I reach out a trembling hand to find his jaw, tracing it lightly. “I’ll tell you if it gets to be too much.”
He hesitates for another short moment, then he mutters, “Fuck it,” before his mouth is once again on mine. I groan into his mouth at the passion and fire that ignites. This, this is different, but a good different. The kind that has me pressing myself against him as he plunders my mouth. There is no other way to describe it. I have to hold on for the ride as curls himself up so that he’s sitting upright with me in his lap, but this time, the position puts me directly over his erection.
Before I can really register it, Lazaro pulls his mouth from mine and presses heated kisses along my neck, distracting me. One arm snakes around my waist, putting just enough pressure to arch my back as he moves his mouth down over my collarbone and the top of my breasts. The other hand comes up and cups my breast, rolling my nipple expertly. I shudder at the renewed heat that starts to build again deep inside me. He orders, “You’ll tell me to stop if you need it, Amara,” but I don’t quite process it before I feel his mouth, hot, warm, and wet, encase the hard peak of my breast.
I cry out in shock, but when I feel him start to pull back, I grip the back of his head and hold him in place. Holy shit, that feels good. Maybe it’s because my nerves are so overly sensitized from my orgasm, but I don’t want him to stop, especially when each pull of his mouth sends more heat and electric shocks down to my once again throbbing clit. I grind down into him, needing more friction, more pressure, more everything. Anything to get me closer to that precipice again.
I whimper in desperation when I feel him pull away, strong enough to ignore my attempts to keep him place. Before I can beg for him not to stop, I realize that he’s kissing his way between my breasts to the other one. Oh yes. The cool air of the room on my bare nipple, and the warm suction of Lazaro’s mouth is deliciously perfect.
“That feels so good, Lazaro,” I moan, arching my back to press more of me into his mouth.
He grunts a laugh that I feel throughout my entire body, and I shudder. He pulls his mouth away, his voice husky as he says, “Such pretty nipples, so hard and perfect for me, aren’t they, colombina ? Do you like my mouth sucking on them? Do they make your pussy throb and crave more?”
“Yes,” I breathe, my nails digging into the back of his head. “I need more, Lazaro. Please. I need more.”
“You need more of this?” he asks before leaning forward and sucking hard on the same peak, making me keen at the pressure and delicious bliss. He pulls away and asks, “Or do you want something that will make that pretty pussy so fucking wet, you’ll soak my dick even more than you are now?” He moves to the opposite peak, sucking it down, but just as he’s about to pull away, I feel the light scrape of his teeth.
Oh fuck. The feel of his teeth, that slight sting, has me crying out and my hips grinding down on him desperately, trying to prolong the pleasure. “Lazaro, yes,” I cry, desperate.
He chuckles again, pulling away to give the same treatment to the other side. When he finally pulls away, I’m a mess. That feels so good. “So fucking responsive,” he praises as he eases back. “I can feel how wet that made you, colombina . You’re soaking me, and it feels so fucking good.”
I should be embarrassed at just how soaked his pants are, but I don’t give a damn. The pressure inside me is still there, but it’s stopped climbing, and no amount of shifting seems to get me there again. “Lazaro, please,” I plead. “Please, I…” I swivel my hips the way he helped me to before, but it’s not enough. Frustration starts to build inside me.
“What do you need, colombina ? Tell me. Tell me what you’re feeling so I can help,” he coaxes.
“I need…I need to come again,” I cry desperately. “But it’s not enough. I need more. I don’t know what to do. Please.”
“Shhh, I have you,” he soothes. “You’re going to need more than just rubbing against me, dolcezza . Would you like me to show you?”
“Please.” I don’t care what he needs to do, as long as he does it.
“I need to touch you, Amara, so I need you to tell me if it gets to be too much,” he warns me, a firmness coming into his tone, momentarily distracting me.
“I will,” I promise breathlessly, finally cluing in to what he’s alluding to. I push up on my knees, my hands moving from his hair to his shoulders to steady myself. “I trust you, Lazaro. I trust you.” And I do. I know he’s not going to hurt me, and I need to know what he’s going to do.
He keeps his arm around my waist, but uses his free hand to trail over the top of my thigh, gently caressing it, like he’s giving me another moment to change my mind. I say nothing, trembling and trying not to urge him on. He’s going to do this at his pace, so I just have to impatiently wait. As he dips his hand over the inside of my thigh, a frisson of tension makes itself known, but I force myself to stay still and focus. Some of the pleasure has dulled, and I feel lost.
Then he groans as his finger traces along my wet folds, and the crease between them and my inner thigh, before moving along to give the other side the same treatment. I gasp, trembling, but I don’t pull away. It feels so intimate, but not wrong. “You’re so wet, dolcezza .” His voice is full of praise, like he’s very pleased with what he’s finding. “So slick already that my finger just glides.” He moves his touch further inward, two fingers parting my folds, rubbing along tender skin, brushing over my entrance, but not trying to enter. “But this isn’t the part of you we’re focusing on right now, is it? No, it’s this pretty clit that needs all the attention, doesn’t it?”
I gasp loudly, my entire body jerking when two fingers slide through the wetness up to where I am currently throbbing, sending that same pressure and sensation through me again. Only this time, it’s different. This time it’s more intimate, and I shudder when he lightly moves his fingers around, circling it. “Lazaro,” I cry, arching my hips into his fingers. “Oh yes, that, that’s what I need.” My fingers dig into his shoulders as I try to keep still and not drive down onto his hand.
His fingers move a little faster, a little firmer, and my eyes slam shut as stars burst behind them. My hips arch forward of their accord, needing more. The same sensation as before grows again, faster and sharper this time. “Such a greedy little clit, isn’t it? That’s it, Amara, show me exactly what you need. Do you feel how wet you are? How slippery and perfect? That’s your body readying itself, colombina . Needing to be filled.”
“Lazaro,” I cry as he increases the pace of his fingers, my body curling forward into him as the pleasure borders on pain inside me. Wetness spills down my thighs, and I’m desperate. I need more. “Lazaro, please, please, please,” I chant. “Please.”
He gives a soft grunt, his arm on my waist moving down to my hips, stilling my movements, even as his hand speeds up faster and faster. “Fuck, yes, Amara,” he hisses as my body starts to shake. Cries fall from my lips as I start to feel myself getting closer and closer to orgasm. “Take it, Amara. Take everything I’m giving you. Don’t fight it. Let me feel your cum soak my fingers. That’s it. That’s it,” he praises, a dark excitement filling his voice when I finally fall over the edge, my body shaking and jerking at the intensity. It’s so much more than before. “Fuck, yes,” he hisses, sliding his fingers from my clit toward my entrance, pressing over it. I jerk at the feeling, but he doesn’t move, just holds his hand there as my body spasms. “You’re dripping all over my fingers like a good girl, aren’t you, colombina ? Fuck, I can’t wait to taste you, feel you clamped down on my tongue.”
Wait, he wants to do what with his tongue? The fog of pleasure is still too thick in my mind to comprehend it. I focus on not falling flat on my face when I finally stop shaking enough to sink back down to his lap. His hand pulls away, and I hear a soft sucking sound before a moan of pleasure. “What are you doing?” I gasp out.
“Tasting you. And you taste so fucking good, Amara.”
“You like the taste?” I ask in surprise. I’ve read about men liking to do that in books, but I never really figured that it would taste very good, or that a man would want to in real life.
“I love the taste of you. You’re made for me, Amara, and there is not any part of you that I won’t love.” He pauses, before he asks, “Would you like me to show you?”
With the things he’s done with his mouth before, I’d be stupid to say no, right? I still hesitate, because that would mean being prone on my back. “I don’t know if I can lay on my back for that without freaking out,” I tell him quietly. “But I want to see how it feels.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “I have another way, if you’ll trust me,” he offers. “We just need to adjust our positions a little, but I promise that I won’t be over you in any way.”
I don’t see how, but finally, I whisper, “Okay.” I’m terrified and thrilled all at once. What is he going to do?
He moves quickly, holding me up as he scoots up the bed until he tells me to extend my hands. My hands connect with the headboard, and he grips my hips, widening my legs, but putting pillows under my knees. “Just like that, dolcezza ,” he praises before I feel him move to lay down. He slides himself up between my legs, his head on the pillow there, and I realize quickly what he’s doing. My pussy is in the perfect position over his face.
My body shudders when I feel his breath against my thigh as he presses a kiss to it. “Lazaro,” I whisper shakily.
“I have you, colombina ,” he promises, arms coming up to hook around my legs before his hands cup my ass. “All you have to do is enjoy, I promise. Do you need me to stop?”
A part of me almost wants him to, sure this is a bad idea, but the other parts of me are screaming no, too curious what he’s going to do. “No,” I breathe. “No, I don’t want you to stop.”
“My brave girl,” he purrs, nuzzling at the opposite thigh. “I’ll be gentle, I promise, but if you need to, all you say is stop, or tap me on the head, okay? I’ll stop immediately.”
“Okay,” I breathe, anticipation filling me.
“Good girl.” Then he pulls me down toward him, and I’m lost.
Holy mother of God. A shocked cry rips from me at the feel of his tongue sliding through my folds, even as he groans and the vibration of the sound riots through me. His tongue swirls around my clit, swamping me with bliss. It’s wet, it’s wanton, and I need more . And thank God, he gives it to me - his lips surround my clit, sucking and licking at me like he did to my nipple. This, though, this is nothing like that.
This is pure torture, pure ecstasy. I’m so sensitive from my orgasms that it takes very little for a new one to start to rise. If this was supposed to be a simple pleasure, he is very wrong. I can’t even think or stop myself as I find myself grinding down into his face, silently begging for more. And he gives it to me. The suction on my clit increases, and I cry out in ecstasy as the pressure builds fast inside me.
I’m coming before I can brace myself.
“Yes, Amara, yes,” Lazaro praises with a guttural gasp. He jerks my hips up, and that's when I feel his tongue swirling around my aching entrance as I spasm and continue to come above him. “Let me taste you, just like that.”
I don’t know what comes over me, but I drop one hand to his head, gripping his hair to keep him steady as I move my hips, following the feel of his tongue. He grunts, but he gives me what I want. Suddenly, his tongue is right there, right at my entrance, and the feeling is foreign, but so good; I don’t even think, I just press my hips down on it. Not hard, but enough that Lazaro stills as if he’s not sure if I’m ready for this. “More,” I breathe, aching for more.
He grunts and yanks my hips down hard again, stabbing his tongue as deep inside me as it can go. A scream pulls from me at the intrusion, and then another cry when the hand on my thigh moves so that it’s rubbing at my clit again in a furious circular motion.
Another orgasm overtakes me, and I throw my head back with yet another cry. I feel Lazaro’s mouth pull away, and he rasps, “That’s it, Amara. Fuck, yes, you taste so fucking good. I need to put my fingers inside you, need to feel you clamping down. Tap my head twice if you don’t want me to.” I don’t move, unable to do anything but shudder and spill over him with each cresting wave. The fingers on my clit stop, and he moves them back over my ass, before I feel them again over my slick center.
The moment his thick finger penetrates me, I moan. He slips inside so easily, gently thrusting in and out as my body clamps down around him. “Lazaro…” I sob.
“I have you, Amara. I have you. Just a little more. Can you take a little more?” I spread my knees a bit wider, my stomach clenching as he carefully eases another finger inside me, and his head lifts again to latch onto my clit, sucking gently, prolonging my orgasm even more as he gently thrusts.
When my orgasm finally slows, I’m spent. My body is like jelly when Lazaro’s mouth pulls away, and his fingers ease from me. I shudder when he gently licks me clean, careful to avoid my overly sensitive clit, before pulling away. I slump forward, and he quickly helps me back down on top of him.
Both of us are drenched in sweat, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this relaxed before. “You did amazing, colombina ,” he praises as he pulls me up his chest, hugging me tight. His voice is a rasp, and his hand moves soothingly over my back. “So fucking good. I’m so fucking proud of you.”
“Mmm.” I sigh, nuzzling at his chest. “I want to do that again.”
He startles, then laughs. “Any time you want, colombina . I will always be happy to provide you pleasure, especially if you react so wonderfully. Three orgasms is no small feat. How do you feel?”
“Like a million dollars and like I’m glowing from the inside out.” I shift, but pause when I feel my ass brush against his still very hard cock. Hell, I think it’s even bigger than before. Slowly, I lift my head from his chest, and a new kind of desire fills me. Not the kind that’s been swirling before this, but the kind where I want to give him the same pleasure he’s given me. I push my ass down against it, my breath catching when my swollen core touches the soaked front of his sleep pants again. “I need something else,” I tell him slowly.
“Name it, and it’s yours,” he promises.
“I need you inside me. I need to see if we can really fit the way you said.”