Chapter 24
24
ACE
The one where regrets are like wildflowers unable to stop appearing over and over again, showing off their resilience in never going away.
Present Day - Two Months Post Delivery
“ S o how many moms hit on you at the park when you go for walks?” In Dante’s kitchen, Ivan was bouncing his infant son Zach on his lap while I was attempting to feed Lily some cereal.
His and Bella’s first child, a daughter named Jessica, Jessi for short, was napping upstairs under Dante’s watchful eye.
I snorted. “It doesn’t matter. There’s only one girl in my life, huh Lily?” I held out the little spoon of oatmeal and made a face.
She had the most intense mean mug I had ever seen, intimidating and adorable at the same time.
I tried to focus on it during the hard times which were basically every day.
She hated sleep, was constantly crying and even though I hired a nanny we were still missing something very important in our lives.
“Don’t let Raven hear you say that,” he said under his breath.
“I’ve never seen a person jealous of how much attention you give the baby while also so attracted she looks minutes away from just devouring her own husband whole.”
“That won’t happen,” I said quickly despite the fact that my heart did a little flip in my chest. “Especially after she nearly died and had to be put into a medically induced coma. Not my favorite moment for Lily or for Raven—she deserves to live her life you know?”
I deserved to live mine too.
I was done trying to prove myself.
I had two people to protect and the only way I knew how to do that was to take it a day at a time and completely purge Raven from my life.
I really was her husband in name only.
It was just a really weird road to navigate, and we’d both been tiptoeing around each other since she woke up.
Every time she tried to reach out, it felt like I had no choice but to close the door because what if the words that came next were the ones I’d been wanting to hear?
Then what if she took them back?
Words only existed in two places once spoken, through reading them or through hearing them and neither can be unread or unheard.
Like manifesting something into existence, there would be no way I could go back to before they were spoken, no way I could go back to the moment in time before I read them.
I thought I’d experienced terror, and then I saw her code in front of me.
I thought I knew actual fear until I was in charge of an hour-old infant while her mom fought for her life.
I knew nothing.
“Yeah, well…” I held Lily close.
Raven and Bella were walking outside.
Both of them had their ever present ginormous water’s with them.
Bella’s said “This is probably Vodka,” while Raven’s said “Blood of my enemies.” Both fit, and we all knew that they were drinking straight electrolytes.
Bella had found out she was pregnant for the second time shortly after our first appointment; they could only keep it from everyone for a day before the happy news exploded.
I was glad Raven had someone she could share it with and at the same time a bit jealous that it wasn’t me she complained to.
In fact, she never complained.
Everything was always fine.
She was never tired.
She always smiled. If anything she was too perfect, and too much; it made it hard to believe anything that came out of her mouth most days, because every day was, and I quote, “a miracle.”
Did I think she was full of shit?
Half the time, yes, because I don’t care how many miracles get thrown your way, eventually when you get shit on—literally, are starving, constantly thirsty, and don’t remember the last time you had a solid night’s sleep, eventually the miracle feels more like a permanent twitch in your eye and a locked jaw from clenching your teeth so much.
“Things good?” Ivan asked.
He always asked, just like I always lied.
“They’re great.”
“You both should stop using the baby as a buffer between you; it might force you to face your feelings. You’re in love with her, she’s in love with you, you have shit tons of money, nobody wants to kill you, and a beautiful baby girl, I’m surprised nobody has put a price on your head, it’s disgusting.”
“Yeah, okay boss.”
“Seriously.” He shot me a dark look.
“It’s looking too good for the De Langes. Are you just waiting for the other shoe to drop?”
My entire body went rigid.
“Yeah, you?”
“Every day, every night,” he said through a forced smile in Bella’s direction.
“What if we didn’t get all the informants? What if the syndicate is just waiting to infiltrate again? What if—I guess that’s life but, I’m almost more worried now that nothing horrible happened. We lost Louis, but he was working for them anyway. Everyone’s safe.”
“Safety and peace, both terrifying words.” I sighed and gently patted Lily’s back.
She burped a bit and blinked up at me.
How could a tiny baby be so beautiful?
Fuck, I already wanted to kill every human who looked her way.
I didn’t care who asked her to prom, I just cared that they thought I would let her leave the house without scaring them so shitless they apologized for even asking her without talking to me first, you know?
Raven looked sad. I mean she had a smile on her face.
Her hair was pulled into a low ponytail.
She was wearing a white tank top and matching yoga pants I bought her so she’d feel comfortable and cute, my actual words when I handed them over to her.
She said she wanted more.
So I bought them in every color.
She thanked me.
I told her she was welcome, and we lay in bed, next to each other, and stared up at the same ceiling, and took turns with Lily only to repeat it all over again.
It was all so very civilized, our arranged marriage.
Sometimes it was so civilized I wanted to build a bomb and set it off so when Lily wasn’t crying something would break the tense silence.
Did I really used to hate noise when I tried to slept?
Last week, I finally broke and told Raven she could turn on Friends, “You know, if you feel like it.”
Pigs didn’t fly but you’d think she just saw one float between us and explode.
“Yeah, um sure, I’ll turn it on.”
“Hey,” she said as she and Bella entered the kitchen.
She smiled at a sleeping Lily and said without looking at me, “You guys ready?”
“Yeah.” I stood.
“We should get her home.”
“Stay!” Bella pouted.
“For dinner?”
“Actually…” Raven beamed with pride.
“I cooked.”
Ivan’s eyes narrowed.
“Food?”
“What else would she cook, dumbass!” Bella hissed.
Ivan smirked at Raven.
He loved giving her shit.
“Oh, I genuinely thought you meant you cooked as in slang and was about to ask what hobby you took up.”
“Hilarious.” Raven glared.
“And all good Italian wives should know how to cook.”
“Yeah, but you’re not one of those.” Ivan pointed out.
“I mean a good Italian, I’m sure you’re a wonderful wife.” He winked.
She lifted her hand.
He held up his finger.
“Shhh, you’ll wake up Dante Junior and I just put him to sleep in his stroller.”
“His names Zach,” Bella deadpanned.
“That’s what I said.” Dante grinned.
“Anyway, enjoy your more than likely not edible meal.”
Raven lunged for him, but he already knew so he started running off leaving Zach with Bella.
“You really cooked?”
“Well, I mean…” Raven’s cheeks burned red.
“I put the meat in a crock pot with potatoes and followed instructions.”
“I’m sure it’s going to be great,” I said quickly.
Bella shot me a look as if to say good save.
“Alright, well, I’ll call at my usual two a.m. when we’re both up for our feedings.”
Best idea we’ve ever had as friends.
We realized we were all doing feedings at relatively the same time like the kids knew or something or were telepathically putting both families through hell—so we FaceTimed, me and Ivan and Bella and Raven.
It was nice.
Really nice.
I finally had a family, just not in the way I thought.
We said our goodbyes, and by the time I had Lily in her carrier and then in the car, Raven had already gone to the driver’s side.
“What are you doing?”
“Driving.” She shrugged.
“You were up early. I know you’re tired, you run your hands through your hair when you’re tired then tug on it like you’re trying to wake yourself up.”
“True and yet it never works, the waking up part.”
“Next time I’ll pull.” She offered a serene smile.
We both froze.
The entire world could have burned around us.
That’s all it took, one off-the-cuff comment that could turn sexual and the tension was back.
It was the longest I’d gone not touching a woman—the day I said I do I’d meant it.
I just didn’t know it also meant I wouldn’t ever have sex again—ever.
Ever!
She cleared her throat and started the car, pulling us out into traffic.
We both ignored the silence until we got to our house.
By the time I had Lily changed and into her crib I was ready to face plant into dinner or the next day.
Some bodyguard I was at that moment.
I checked the cameras again, the front door, looked for a shadowy figure and found none, then went into the kitchen.
“Need any help?”
Raven stared at the pot roast. “I think I left it in too long.”
“It looks…great.” It was a lie.
It was burnt, all of it.
I’d chew it until my teeth broke in half.
She’d been too proud.
“Look, we can just cut off some of the top and eat the inside.”
“I tried that over in this general area.” She pointed with the knife.
“Seriously it said to put it on high for six hours!”
“Show me.” I suggested.
She handed me the saved recipe on her phone.
I smiled and handed it back.
“Was it frozen?”
“No, why would?—”
I nodded.
She cursed. “Stupid exhaustion! I missed the frozen part!”
“Which,” I said gently as I picked up the roast and tossed it in the trash, “should tell you that had it been frozen, this meat would be perfect.”
“I can’t tell if you’re trying to make me feel better or just lying your ass off.”
“I’m serious.” I washed my hands and reached for her shoulders, something I rarely did—touch her.
“I’m too tired to make a sandwich, and you shouldn’t be on your feet. So we lie to Ivan, we steal pictures off Pinterest if we have to—and we order pizza instead, deal?”
“We take it to our graves.” Tears filled her eyes.
I frowned. “What? Is something—” I dropped my hands.
She quickly reached for them and held them.
I didn’t know what to do other than hold hers back.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For everything, for what I said all those months ago before Lily was born. I’ve told you a million times but it’s like it never gets through and I—I’m just, I miss you. I’d rather you hate me and show me every day than get this version of you. I’d rather you throw things and get angry than just exist next to me.”
I leaned in.
“What about you, miss perfect? I’m fine, the world is beautiful, I’m a miracle.” I smirked.
She glared. Hard. “I am a fucking miracle, you ass.”
“Did I say you weren’t?”
“Fine! I’m exhausted, but I just I want you to be happy, so I keep thinking if I just do a little more then you’ll be happy.”
“Did I ever once say that or did your guilt say that? Just asking.”
“You don’t act normal!”
“Because…” I licked my lips and tried to think of what I could say that wouldn’t hurt me—or her—again.
Then I just said it.
“I’ll be an adult. I’ll communicate. Words hurt, no matter how pretty the face is that delivers them. You can’t blame me for being careful just like I can’t blame you for overcompensating and saying things are fine when you put salt in your coffee mug yesterday.”
“Saw that?”
“Yup.”
She lowered her head.
“I’ll try not to overcompensate and stop using the word miracle and be more bitchy, happy?”
“Thrilled.”
“And?”
“I’ll try to hate you just a little bit more.” I nodded.
“And I’ll start yelling at you for leaving your makeup out all the time on the counter and staining the porcelain sink.”
“For the last time…” She clenched her teeth.
“I’d put my makeup away if I could see in the damn bathroom and not run into the open drawers you refuse to close because you’re afraid to wake up the baby.”
“Are we fighting?” I asked.
“No.” She pulled me close to her.
“Can we order pizza now and watch more documentaries about all the food we shouldn’t be eating?”
I nodded.
“Yeah, I’ll order the pizza.” I turned to grab my phone but she pulled me back and hugged me.
My entire body tensed and then relaxed as I wrapped my arms around her.
My soul told me it meant nothing, that a hug was a hug.
My heart, however, screamed.
“Starving.”
For more.