Chapter 26
26
ACE
“ T hank God for the nanny.” I ran a hand through my hair and yawned into the phone.
“Seriously, Ivan, sometimes, I want to hug her and let it out all out.”
“You that tired?” he asked.
“I thought Lily did pretty good at night.”
It was me.
I was the problem. I was sleeping next to Raven.
I told myself it was easier and made more sense in the beginning because Lily was in the same room as us, but lately we’d been slowly introducing herself to her room and her crib.
Two nights ago, she slept three full hours by herself with the cameras surrounding her.
I could only use her as an excuse to stay close for so long.
It was a good thing though, the sooner I moved into my own room or slept there, the better for my sanity and sleep.
“You there?” Ivan asked.
“Yeah, sorry, just thinking. Anyway, thanks for the update. I haven’t seen any movement but it’s good to know they’ve gone completely underground.”
“They aren’t as brazen as before. Be careful.”
“I will.” I hadn’t introduced anyone new into our lives anyway, and we were cautious of who we even interacted with right down to the grocery store clerk.
And even then I was always packing.
“I’ll see you later.”
“Get some sleep, man.”
“I will.” I wouldn’t.
I slid my phone into my back pocket and checked my watch.
Raven was with that stupid project partner again.
Halfway through her pregnancy she’d decided to take the rest of the semester off and finish things the following semester.
She had two classes left and that little shit for brains partner she was with last year was thrilled to help her.
I hated him.
And I hated another guy even more, the other partner.
New student, which meant I was suspicious until I did a background check that so extensively detailed I could name which molar had a filling.
I groaned and leaned against the tree while they chatted.
She was smiling more now.
Was he making her smile or was it just that she got a good night’s sleep and the nanny had Lily for the next two hours?
My eyes narrowed when he reached for her.
He knew she was married , right?
She’d told him.
I mean she’d had to have told him.
She had a ring on.
Wait.
My stomach dropped.
She wasn’t wearing it.
She always wore it.
Her left hand went up and touched his elbow.
My stomach sank to the ground.
I was too tired to be angry.
Was this what giving up felt like?
I was torn between ripping his head off and scattering his body around campus and torturing myself by watching.
I chose torture, obviously.
He held out his hand.
She gave him her phone.
He typed something in and smiled while handing it back.
He was good looking enough: tall, muscular, he had dark hair shaved close to his head, and he wasn’t a psychopath—I would know—nor did he have blood on his hands or choose to cut off parts of his body to prove his loyalty.
To any sane person he was a total win.
He even had a part time job at Taco Bell of all places.
How fucking normal.
He rescued dogs.
His parents were both surgeons.
But the worst part—he was safe.
There was a difference between being safe and keeping someone safe.
Where I was a shield—he was a space.
I felt numb when she walked back to me, all smiles.
“Ready?”
“Yeah.” I couldn’t look at her; instead, I listened as she explained her project for Business Finance and all the ideas she had.
She talked the entire way, she sounded happy, she sounded as normal as douche face appeared on paper.
Maybe that was what I’d been missing in this entire scenario.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I hadn’t meant to interrupt.
“What? Sure.” She followed me into the house and put her bag on the couch.
“What’s up?”
“Was he normal? Or as normal as possible given the circumstances? Louis?” I hated saying his name.
Her face didn’t fall though; she simply tilted her head.
“Yeah, I think at first I even called him boring. He was the sort of guy that never snuck out of the house, followed all the rules, and then when you least expected it, he’d do something sweet or out of the blue. But I realized it was always a way to distract me from it all.”
“Life?”
She nodded.
“The pressure but mainly the loneliness…everyone has their part to play and other than getting my degrees I’ve never really found where I fit in, you know? I’m rebellious but not insane like Serena. I can be sweet when I want to like Bella, but I’m not a mafia princess.”
She was right about that.
She was a queen.
“I just, I don’t know, I think in such a large family it’s easy to get overlooked, it’s easy for people to see you but not really see you. They assume your smile means you’re okay or your presence means your present when it can be the exact opposite. Imposter syndrome, even next to blood relatives, is a very real thing, and not fitting in if you’re not careful—is heavy—like shame, like you were born with a task that you can’t accomplish because it isn’t clear yet.”
That was probably the most open she’d been with me in a really long time.
“And now, now do you feel like you can be yourself or be normal?”
She smiled.
“Nothing about this is normal, Ace. We take it a day at a time, right?”
“Right,” I whispered.
Something flickered in her eyes.
“Let me go change real quick, then maybe we can take a walk.” She pulled out her phone and set it down on the coffee table.
“I have something to talk to you about.”
Was it about him?
About the normal?
About finally being happy—outside of us?
I hadn’t just lost control, I’d lost complete navigation of the ship.
She ran up the stairs while I stood completely frozen in place.
Was this where you did the hard thing?
Was this where you didn’t just walk away but you gave yourself and them permission to let go?
I thought about Lily.
She’d always have me.
I’d always be her dad no matter what.
Raven deserved love.
She deserved to be seen.
I’d just take it to my grave that all I’d ever truly seen—was her.
I wasn’t sure how much time went by, but she was suddenly back downstairs, hair pulled back into a ponytail, a black sweatshirt on and a pair of white athletic shorts; she was in her normal walking attire.
Keyword, normal .
“Hey.” I leaned back on the counter.
“I just, I want you to know something.”
She had reached for her phone but pulled her hand back and faced me.
“Okay.”
“It’s fine.” I licked my lips and struggled to get the words out.
“I know this isn’t what you wanted and things are—comfortable.” Hell, I hated words today.
“But I just want you to know. I can be okay. I will be okay, what I mean is it’s fine, if you look the other way.”
The buzz from the TV playing in the background had never been so loud.
“What do you mean look the other way?” she rasped, her eyes narrowed in on me like daggers.
“Like down the street?”
“No.” My voice was cold, unfeeling.
I forced it. “If you have an affair. Don’t even think twice about me. We have Lily to take care of and the threat seems to be magically gone ever since King ordered a new commission and killed off most of the syndicate that infiltrated. You were in a coma. We got shit done. You woke up to a new life—one where you’re a bit safer than when you went to sleep. My job is to take care of you and Lily, but any other need you have—like I said, I’ll look away.”
I hated her in that moment for not reacting right away.
I hated her for proving my theory right and I could only blame myself for getting so invested that the pain spreading down my arms was self-inflicted in the worst possible way.
It was like I just said, look I really think sweet potatoes are superior to normal potatoes, and she responded with, well if that’s how you feel.
Wait, did she really just say that out loud.
Her eyes flashed as she repeated the words.
“If that’s how you feel, Ace.”
I yelled after that, no I snapped and I lost my shit.
How the hell is she turning this one me?
“If that’s how I FEEL?”
“Yeah.” She backed away from me, hands on hips.
“HOW I FEEL?” I roared.
“Do you even know how I feel right now? How fucking terrified I was when you were on that table dying? When we couldn’t get Lily out? Don’t just toss out how I feel as if it’s not important. Maybe you’d know how I feel if you actually asked. But yes, Raven, this is how I feel. Do whatever you want with your life as long as you stay safe and Lily stays safe. I’m fine.” I felt like dying and couldn’t remember how to breathe, but I was totally completely fine.
“Then what about you?” Her eyes snapped to mine with fury.
“What about?—”
“I’ll fucking die a eunuch. I don’t know Raven!”
“You’re an idiot and guys have needs?—”
“Shit, if you keep talking right now I’m going to break something. I’m aware of what needs I have but I’m a little too focused on keeping the two of you alive and happy. That’s what I live for right now, not my fucking cock, so if you could please either react and punch me or prepare me for when you do start seeing other guys I’d really appreciate it, and I’d appreciate if you just kept it quiet since I’m not so sure my pride could take another blow right?—”
Her fist came flying so hard and fast, shocking the hell out of me that I didn’t even realize she’d punched me until the numbness in my cheek wore off and replaced itself with searing pain and tingling that radiated all the way down my neck and had my jaw in a chokehold.
“You jack ass!”
“I was just?—”
“You were just being a complete dick! Do you even hear yourself? I was being sarcastic! Do you really want someone else stripping me naked? Do you want to share any part of me? What about that vow that my life is yours and yours is mine? Was that complete bullshit?”
“No.” I braced her by the shoulders.
“But this is fucking worse than cutting off parts of my body—I can’t keep cutting from a heart I’ve already given away, Raven. It seeps into my bones, my blood, it keeps me awake at night. It’s a slow torture that never goes away. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you suffer and take care of you and my own fucking feelings.”
“And how”—she glared—“do you feel?”
“Like I’m one confession away from disappearing—because I don’t know who I am without you by my side.”
Tears slid down her cheeks.
She shoved past me and went into the kitchen.
I hung my head.
What was done was done.
I should leave.
Get some fresh air.
Maybe get drunk.
No, that would be irresponsible.
Something hit me in the back of the head, it wasn’t a fist. I turned around and stared at the floor.
It was a box.
There was writing on the outside.
It simply said. “Bring your fork.”
“I was going to give it to you after Lily was born, it was supposed to be waiting here when we got home. Then the coma happened, then life happened, and the longer I waited the more I doubted you’d accept it. I was going to give it to you today and tell you everything, but instead you turned into a bigger ass than a few years ago, a feat, even for you.”
I stared at the handwriting and very slowly opened the box and pulled out another.
It was waffle mix.
She’d gotten me waffle mix.
And on that box she’d written.
“Make that two forks.”
I dropped it onto the ground.
I couldn’t see my hands.
I couldn’t feel my body.
I moved.
And then I had her in my arms and I was kissing her, mouth fusing to hers in pressure so filled with pain that I was sick with it.
She jumped up.
I caught her in my arms again still kissing her and shoving her against the wall.
Her hands reached for my shirt, pulling it over my head.
“I love you,” she panted between kisses.
“I loved you since before I hurt you. I hurt you because your love was scary, Ace. I hurt us because once you say the word out loud?—”
“You can’t take it back,” I whispered against her mouth.
“Please, please,” I begged.
“Don’t fucking take it back.”
“Never.” She jerked my head back by the hair.
“I really, really hope you’re done with that stupid fast or I’m going to kill you.”
“Can I start with you?” I was already tugging off her shorts.
“Yes, yes, please.” She helped kick them off.
We were a flurry of anger, pain, tears, and clothes flying all over the kitchen.
Waffles forgotten, windows, cameras, past, present.
It wasn’t normal.
It was spectacular.
Uniquely us.
When she was finally bare to me, I lifted her by the ass and thrust into her.
I couldn’t wait. I was desperate.
“Your body is mine.”
“Yes.” A tear slid down her cheek.
“Yours. Only yours.”
With each movement of my hips her nails dug deeper into my back scarring it the way my pledge to her had scarred my front.
“I love you, Raven Alfero.”
Her eyes flew open.
“Say it again.”
I was so close, it had been so long.
Our bodies slid together again, every muscle strained to make the moment last longer.
“I love you. So much.”
She clenched around me, her heels digging into my ass.
I let go.
I was home.