20. SIENNA
20
SIENNA
I don’t know where I’m going, and honestly, I don’t care right now. It’s not like I can see anything with the tears filling my eyes. Fuck, I hate crying. I never do it, but I can’t stop them. I’m just so tired; so fucking tired. I want to go home; I want to go to Rori’s and bitch and yell and cry; I want to go to my parents and have my mother cradle me close like she did when I was a kid; I want to have my father make me tea and then rock me in his lap and tell me everything will be alright.
But I can’t because I’m stuck here, in this prison with a bunch of people I don’t know, trying to figure out how I’m going to survive any of it. Fuck, I fucking hate it. The panic in my chest grows, and I have to stop and lean a hand against the wall. I have no idea where I am now, and I don’t care. I try to fight back the panic and fear growing inside me, tightening my lungs and throat, but I can’t seem to get a hold of myself. I clutch at my chest, my brain screaming at me to breathe, but my lungs don’t cooperate. Black spots fill my eyes, and I can feel myself sinking to the floor.
Suddenly, I feel two arms catch me, and I hear someone calling my name. I try to focus on it, but it’s so far away that I can’t quite grasp it. God, this is not how I want to die. Not here or like this. I see two hazel eyes staring at me, trying to reach me, and a mouth moving, but I hear nothing. I can hear a voice getting louder, but it’s immediately drowned out by the sound of my own pounding heart.
The next thing I know, I’m hauled up and I instantly know that the man holding me is Alessio. No, what is he doing here? I don’t want him here. Don’t want him seeing me like this. But at the same time, it’s like my body and brain both register that it’s him, that he’s okay, or at least safe enough, and I’m able to draw in a gasping breath. Just one, and some of the darkness recedes from the edges of my vision. The panic, and the determination in his dark eyes seems to pull at me as he says something to me. I can’t make it out, and I don’t want to. Because I don’t want to hear him anymore. I can’t. I can’t hear his demands, or whatever he’s cooking up in that pretty head of his.
My breathing picks back up, and I struggle to get air again. I need Rori. I need her to tell me what to do. How to handle this. I need my best friend. “Rori,” I gasp out, even as I try to slow my breathing. “Rori.”
Alessio looks at me like he can’t make out what I’m saying, and maybe he can’t. Even to my own ears, it sounds like gibberish. “Sienna,” he says as loudly and calmly as he can, putting his hand over mine on my chest and pulling it to his chest. “I need you to slow down, coniglietto . I need you to focus on my breathing, okay? Then you can tell me what you need.” The feel of his heart pounding under my palm gives me something else to focus on, and then I feel it. The slow, even, steady movement of his chest as he breathes.
I grab onto that like a lifeline and try to copy it. It’s hard, and I can’t seem to get myself calm, but then I feel his hand on my belly, almost like he’s guiding me, and it steadies me a bit more until I finally feel the vice in my chest loosen and I can draw in a full breath. “That’s good, Sienna. A couple more just like that. In through your nose, out through your mouth. There we are. Keep going, just a couple more.”
I focus on his voice, the only constant in this whole mess of my life. I finally feel my heart slow back to normal; my breathing evens out, and my vision clears. But then comes the tears; wracking sobs overtake my entire body, making me shudder with them. Alessio instantly scoops me up, and I feel him carrying me away, even as I hear him murmur to whoever was with him. Then I hear a door shut, and I’m being carried into another room, where I’m jostled as he moves around. I vaguely hear running water and then I’m being set on my feet.
I’m crying too hard to pay much attention as Alessio undresses me. I don’t fight him, even as he tries to soothe me with words that I can’t even make out. I jolt a little when he picks me up and sets me in the bathtub now full of hot water, but then I curl my knees up, put my head down, and let the sobs overtake me.
I’m going to hate myself for all of this later, but right now, I don’t care. The same thoughts keep swirling inside my head. That my life is over. Everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve ever dreamed of, is gone. That I’m alone. For the first time in my life, I don’t have anyone around me that I can fully rely on or trust. I can’t call my parents, Rori, or any of my friends, no one. I’m at the mercy of strangers who expect obedience to rules they won’t explain. It’s like I can feel the bars of my cell getting smaller every moment, despite being in a huge-ass castle, surrounded by things that most would only dream of.
I startle when I feel Alessio slip into the tub behind me, pulling me into his arms and onto his lap, and then he starts to rock me gently. I’m so shocked my sobs slow. I hiccup, cries still leaking out of me as I turn my head into his shoulder, my arms clinging to him of their own volition. Like I need him to anchor me.
I don’t know how long I cry for, but I know it’s long enough that the water cools. Alessio adds more warm water, content to stay in here for a while longer. I vaguely hear him murmuring to me, crooning and soothing me, though I can’t make it out. But it helps to settle me until finally, my sobs stop completely, and I can only sink into him, closing my eyes and feeling so utterly exhausted that I don’t want to move. I just want to sleep and pretend none of this is real.
Alessio doesn’t move, just presses soft kisses to the top of my head, and murmurs something to me in Italian that I can’t make out, but it sounds pretty. And maybe, just for a few minutes, I need some pretty words.
Eventually, I can’t sit in the silence and I whisper, “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, cara mia ,” he murmurs, pressing a gentle kiss to my jawline. “I, on the other hand, have a lot to apologize for.” He lets out a deep sigh, and I can hear so much in it that my heart clenches. Regret, guilt, resignation, and even a little bit of pain. Even with everything, I don’t think I’ve heard anything like that from him before. I swipe at my face and nose, then look up at him and see him watching me. “I’m sorry, Sienna. You’re right about everything that you said. I haven’t been fair, and only focused on what I wanted, not considering what that meant for you. What that required you to give up. And for everything I’ve said to scare you into complying. My only excuse is that the thought of losing you makes me insane.”
“I don’t get that. I don’t understand how you can feel so strongly when you don’t know me. You know what a file says, or what you’ve been able to stalk your way into seeing. But none of that is enough for you to decide that you want me forever. You have no idea if I’m going to annoy you with every little thing I do, like how I eat, or how I sing, or any of the other mundane day-to-day stuff. And I’m not going to know if I’m going to lose my mind because you constantly leave the toilet seat up, or leave your clothes all over the place. Or, I don’t know, that you like to wear women’s underwear so you feel pretty.”
He snorts out a laugh. “I can assure you I don’t wear women’s underwear, cara mia . Especially when they look so much better on you.” Then he sobers. “I’m not sure how to explain it to you. I just know. Maybe it’s that I’ve seen and been with many different women over the years, that I know what I want in a woman of my own and I can see that in you. You call to something deep inside me, and ever since I saw your picture and read your file, it’s like you’ve had your claws into me and every time I’m around you, you dig them in deeper.”
“All from a picture and a few crazy interactions? Are you sure you’re not confusing lust for something else?”
He shrugs. “Maybe a bit, but for the most part, no.” He pauses, looking away for a moment before he finally looks back at me, his gaze intense. My heart pounds a bit harder in my chest, but I can’t look away from him. Then he continues, “It’s also partly because with you, I can be myself and I don’t have to play the role I’ve always had to play.”
“Role?” I repeat, confused.
He nods. “I’ve always been the kind to fool around, or tease and joke. Not because that’s who I am, but who I had to become. If we need someone to side with us, I’ve discovered that going in and being charming is far easier at times and gets better results than coming in as a hard assed underboss. Or if there was a woman with information that we needed, it helped us to get it. Eventually, it got to the point where that was who I was expected to be all the time. Including with my family, until finally it just became known that I liked to joke, tease, and instigate shit.”
“Is that why you call Nico Boo Bear?” I ask after a moment. “Because you wanted to charm him?”
Alessio chuckles. “No, that was to piss him the fuck off, and it works every fucking time. Now it’s just something I do to get a little pleasure out of the fact that I can get under his skin so easily and piss him off so quickly.”
“He might shoot you for that one day.”
“Nah. Nico wouldn’t want to harm our alliance, and Gia likes me. It would make her very upset with him.”
I let him see my skepticism but let it drop. “So then, who is the real Alessio Caruso? And why is that part of you so obsessed with me?”
He sobers at my questions. “The real Alessio Caruso is a mixture of them both at this point, I suppose. Though lately, especially with this situation, it’s leaning more toward the darker side of me than the lighter. I do enjoy being charming or instigating shit and having a good time, but underneath, I’m as dark as any other mafia man, if not more. When I’m with you, I want to devour you, I want to possess you, and I want to control you. I want to own every part of you. Every thought, every desire, every hatred, and everything you love. I’m bossy, controlling, and every time you sass me, I want to fuck that pretty mouth and then your pussy until all that sass is quieted for a while. And every time you run from me, I want to chase you down, pin you, and fuck you just like I did in the condo and then again at that fucker’s villa. And then when I’m all done, I want to carry you away and take care of you.”
My mouth falls open at his words. Holy shit. How the hell am I supposed to continue on after that? I can feel it hitting me deep and making my core burn, but I push that way down, because I can’t allow myself to be distracted right now. This is far too important a conversation for sex to get in the way. “And the real Alessio Caruso is like that with only me, or am I just the lucky one this time?”.
“I’ve never felt this way for a woman in my life, Sienna. I’ve lusted after women, sure, but it was light-hearted. Nothing like the passion and dark cravings I get whenever I’m around you. I’m starting to understand why Nico is the way he is with Gia.”
I frown at that. “Gia said something about Nico kidnapping her. I haven’t processed that completely yet, but I’m not sure I like how that turned out.”
“It’s more common than you think. I know a few different people who have done the same, though I suppose some of it was different. A friend of mine met a woman and kidnapped her that night. Now they’re married with a baby and another on the way, and they’re ridiculously happy. It helps that she’s known him for most of her life, and she knows what kind of man he is. Still, all of that to say that it happens here and elsewhere. Gia and Nico are a bit of an extreme situation, given the circumstances and how things have turned out since then, but when I first met Gia, I asked her if she was safe and if she was happy, or if she wanted me to help her get out.”
Sienna nods slowly. “Yeah, she said something about how you knew she knew sign language or something. How did you know that, considering you never met her, and from what I understand, there wasn’t much known about her?”
Alessio smirks. “That’s my own little secret, coniglietto , but I was able to find out plenty about my betrothed once we accepted the marriage contract from your brother. Though, knowing what I do now, I should have been suspicious that he wouldn’t give me much information on her, instead insisting I meet her first. Anyway, when she told me that she was fine, I wasn’t all that sure, and when we travelled to New York and I met her, I gave her another chance to leave. I offered to bring her here, without marrying me, or if she felt safer, I’d have married her. Though now, I’m grateful as hell that I didn’t.” He gives me a pointed look that I ignore. “When she refused and I saw the two of them together, I realized that he really cares for her. The protectiveness you see? That’s what I feel for you. Anytime I suggested that she leave, the man was like a rabid dog, ready to maim and kill anyone that tried to take her away.”
“So you’re saying that I don’t need to worry about her?”
“She’s perfectly safe, and she also knows that she can always call us and we’ll get to her as fast as possible. Not to mention, Sofia is with her as Nico’s housekeeper, and that woman would gut him if he ever did anything to hurt her.”
I smile softly. “Yeah, I already got that feeling. Alright, well, I won’t worry about her then.” Then I frown and straighten as a memory returns to me. I pin him with a hard look and ask, “Sofia and Gia told me earlier there is no contract for my hand, and that the contract between you and the De Lucas is null and void because you rejected Gia. So what’s all this bullshit about how I’ve been promised to you and you need to fulfil that contract with me?”
He doesn’t even have the gall to look repentant. He just shrugs and replies nonchalantly, “It was the easiest way to goad you, and I have every intention of marrying you. If you thought it was part of a contract, fine.”
I stare at him. I want to scream and rage at him again, but I’m too fucking tired, and my already strained mind knows I can’t handle it tonight. “I’m not going to get into that right now, but we’re going to come back to that at some point.” He nods and thankfully lets it go. I sigh and drop my head back down onto his chest, weary as hell. I notice that the water is cool again, and say, “We need to get out. It’s cold in here.”
Without another word, Alessio helps me to my feet, pulls the plug on the tub, and then helps me out. He grabs a warm towel from the heated towel rack—a luxury I’ve never truly appreciated before— and wraps one around me before briskly drying himself off. I watch him for a moment, again amazed at the man in front of me. I might be confused as hell, but I can appreciate just how gorgeous he is. He keeps himself in excellent shape, and the tattoos that decorate his skin give him an edgy, bad-guy vibe that make me want to drool.
When he turns back to me, he smirks and winks when he catches me staring at him, but I refuse to be embarrassed. Instead, I just stand there and let him take over the task of drying me. I should probably be telling him not to and making sure we’re not blurring the lines already more than they are, but that’s a worry for another day and time.
When he finally tosses the towel aside, he leads me back into the bedroom. When he pulls me toward the bed, I dig in my heels. “I’m not getting into bed naked with you, Alessio,” I tell him firmly. Even I don’t think that I can completely ignore temptation with him in the bed with me.
Surprisingly, he doesn’t argue, and instead walks to another door, opening it to reveal a walk-in closet. He briefly disappears, and then comes back wearing a pair of boxers, holding another pair and one of his shirts. He hands them to me and I quickly pull them on. I barely resist sniffing at his shirt, instead climbing into the bed. It’s not lost on me that I should be making a stink about him expecting me to sleep in his bed, but again, too fucking tired for that.
Alessio turns out the lights and then climbs in, the mattress dipping under him, before he reaches for me and pulls me back into him, curling around me and burying his face in my hair. Neither of us say anything, though my mind hasn’t gone quiet. Not yet. Before I lose my nerve, I roll over and face Alessio, burrowing into him. I can’t see him in the darkness of the room, but I know he’s watching me. And maybe it’s the darkness giving me courage, but I whisper, “I don’t know how I’m going to function in this world, Alessio. I feel so lost and overwhelmed.”
Alessio doesn’t answer for a moment, but his arms tighten around me, and as much as I want to hate it, I relish it, drawing the delicious scent of him into my lungs. “You’re smart, Sienna, and you’re going to do just fine once you get your feet under you. Lean on me and I’ll help you. I know this is going to be hard for you, and I know that it’s not what you pictured for yourself, but if you’ve shown me anything, it’s that you’re adaptable, and once you put your mind to something, you’re unstoppable. A rare quality for women in our world now, but I think it’s needed.”
His praise warms me, but it doesn’t alleviate my stress. “I just can’t understand how I’m going to fit in here. You saw what happened tonight. I feel like I’m going to lose myself if I don’t figure it out quickly.” I feel emotion brewing inside me again, but I swallow it down. I’m not crying any more tonight. Fuck, I hate crying, and I rarely do it for this reason. It leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable, two emotions that I don’t know how to handle well.
“Cut yourself some slack, coniglietto . You’ve been here less than a day. You can’t expect yourself to understand everything so quickly.” He sighs. “Just like I shouldn’t have expected you to. You’ve been through enough, and I should have realized that. I was acting like an ass; you fighting me even more pissed me off, and I took that out on you.”
“You were an asshole.” He huffs out a laugh and pinches my ass, making me yelp in surprise.
“Brat. But I’m your asshole, and we just need to get our footing underneath us. For tonight, just leave it be. We’re both exhausted, and I’ve got a bunch of shit I need to deal with tomorrow.”
I wince. “Including Nico?”
“Don’t worry about Nico, cara mia . Where Gia is concerned, the man isn’t rational, but he’ll forget all about it after he’s worked his frustrations out with his wife and she gets him back to a reasonable state of mind. One not adrenaline addled.”
I groan. “Fuck off,” I say weakly. “I was pissed, but you know I was right.”
“Mmm, you were, but still, now that the moment’s over, I can find it funny. I don’t think a woman has ever stood up to Nico like that before, other than maybe Sofia. Something tells me that if you spend more time with your sister, Gia will be right up there too.”
One can only hope, though I get the feeling that Gia is already starting to come out of her shell. “I’m still going to have to apologize to him again, or I’m not going to be able to let it go.”
“Alright, cara . We’ll talk to him in the morning then.”
“What do you mean, we?”
“You really think I’m going to miss the chance to see this and not needle him some more?”
I roll my eyes. “You’re incorrigible. I’m not nursing you back to health if he decides to shoot you.” Alessio chuckles. We drift into silence, and I can feel myself relaxing. I’m so tired, and I have many more questions, but they’re going to have to wait. Instead, I whisper sleepily, “Thank you, Alessio. For calming me down so I didn’t pass out.”
“Always, coniglietto ,” he murmurs, sounding sleepy himself.
I lean into him, shut my eyes, and slip in to sleep. Tomorrow I’ll put some distance between us, but tonight, I need this more.