Chapter 9
Chapter nine
I’m practically dancing around Karyme’s, my favorite local department store, while Lee and I shop for the trip to Scotland.
I swear, the last two weeks have flown by ever since telling the girls about the invite.
Thank goodness the girls and I have passports from our vacation to Canada a few years ago.
That would have been a nightmare to navigate on such short time.
We leave in just a few days, and I’m nowhere near ready. I hate packing. I’m the type of woman to leave it until the very last minute. Luckily, I have a husband who knows this about me, and I’ve caught him secretly packing away outfits for us both over the previous week.
I look up at Lee, and my heart grows tenfold. I still can’t believe this wonderful, amazing, beautiful man of mine made this happen.
“What’s that look for?” Lee asks with a slight grin.
I scrunch my nose and wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him hard on the lips. “I just really love you. That’s all.”
“And I really love you,” he replies before smacking my butt. “Now let’s find you a dress so I can get you home and show you just how much.”
He nips playfully at my lower lip. I wish we were back at home so that I could have my way with him. But…shopping. I reluctantly pull out of his arms and continue my search for the perfect dress to meet A. M. Pierce in.
“Happiness looks adorable on you, babe,” Lee whispers into my ear as I flip through the racks.
“You make me the happiest woman in the world. If happiness looks cute on me, you can go ahead and give yourself full credit for that.”
We go back to searching the racks as my mind drifts to what it’ll be like meeting A.
M. Pierce. We know nothing about her—or him.
Literally, the ‘about me’ portion on the inside flap of all of their books just says that they reside in Scotland and have been writing thriller novels for almost a decade now.
A. M. Pierce could be anybody, and none of us would be any the wiser.
I’d like to assume that Pierce is a woman, primarily because all their novels are written from a female perspective. But there are plenty of male writers who write incredible thriller novels using a woman’s point of view.
“You should get that red one.” Lee points at the most stunning dress hanging on one of the mannequins. “You always look beautiful in red.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes playfully at him before I hunt down the rack with said dress on it. I find my size and throw it into the cart along with a handful of other options.
“Okay, I think it’s time to try them all on. If I hate them, maybe we can hit the mall next?” I ask Lee while we make our way to the dressing rooms located at the back of the store.
“You know you’ll love them all.” Lee winks at me.
“We’ll see about that.” I grab the clothes from him and disappear into the dressing room.
I slip the sequined green ensemble on and gaze into the full-length mirror. I like it, but I don’t love it. It’s definitely more Lexi’s style. I snap a photo of myself in it to send to her later, in case she needs one for our exciting meet-and-greet.
Next, I try on this gorgeous velvet navy ensemble. It’s got a deep V-neck plunge and hugs my dark russet skin like a glove, making my ass look fantastic. I’m naturally a tiny person, so anything to help give me some curves always goes into the ‘yes’ pile.
Last, I pull on the red dress that Lee picked out. I’m not sure of the material, but it’s got lacy long sleeves with small floral stitching over a darker red slip. The pattern gives off a bohemian vibe, while still being classy. It stops just above my knee and hugs my body like a second skin.
It’s perfect, of course. I’m not surprised, Lee always knows what looks best on me.
I carefully pull the dress off and tug my skinny jeans back on, along with my Nirvana crop top, before slipping my feet back into my white and red checkered Vans.
As much as I enjoy these gorgeous dresses, I’m naturally a jeans and t-shirt type of gal.
I adjust the claw clip, keeping my heavy braids in place, and head back out to meet Lee to tell him that his dress won over my own choices.
I’m not surprised to see that he’s nowhere to be found. He’s the type of man who will tolerate my shopping, but the moment I have to try clothing on, he finds something else to get distracted by. I head towards the book section first—nine times out of ten, that’s where he’ll be.
I circle the book aisles twice before deeming that Lee isn’t there. Odd, but also not concerning. I make my way over to the video games. He’s still nowhere to be seen. I guess I’ll have to resort to calling him to see where he wandered off to.
Punching his name on my phone, I head back towards the front while the line rings, since I still need to grab a few toiletries. The phone rings loudly in my ear as I cut through most of the clothing aisles while my eyes tear across the store in search of my missing husband.
My phone falls out of my hand once I finally spot Lee in an aisle we typically avoid at all costs. He’s holding up a pink little onesie with florals splayed all over it.
Why is he in the baby section?
And why does he have the most wistful smile on his lips as he stares at the tiniest of outfits?
I watch as he hangs the onesie back on the rack and grabs his phone from his pocket.
“Shit,” I mumble and dive to the ground to fetch my phone before he answers. My insides feel like lead. “Hey,” I say quietly from my position on the floor.
“Hi, gorgeous. You done trying everything on?” Lee asks, his voice calm like always. Like, he’s not standing in the aisle he knows I hate most. “I bet that red one was the winner, right?”
I feel as though I’ve been stabbed in the heart.
He knows how I feel about not wanting children of my own after what happened to me.
I’ve never hidden the attack from him, and he’s read all the news articles about the case.
He’s held me during the nightmares that used to plague me years ago, and knows that my attacker is still out there somewhere.
I’ve never held any of those truths from him.
But I can never tell him that I lied about losing the baby to give my daughter a better life. All he needs to know is that I don’t want to risk ever getting pregnant again because I’m too scared to lose another one. Half-truths and half-lies keep my daughter safe.
“Baby? You there?”
From my angle, I can see him walking away. I wait until his shoes disappear before I risk standing. “Umm, yeah. Sorry, I was getting distracted by more clothes. The red one was great,” I choke out. “Where did you go?”
“I’m in the book aisle, naturally.”
I clear my throat. “Oh, I looked over there but didn’t see you.”
Lee chuckles over the line. “I’ve been here the whole time, so you must not have looked very thoroughly, my dear.”
“I must have missed you. I’ll be right there,” I force out.
Why is my husband lying to me?
I pick at my Caesar salad from Lucene’s pizzeria, moving the lettuce and croutons around my plate in listless waves. I’m too upset to eat after seeing Lee holding that stupid onesie.
Not only am I upset, but I’m also confused as to why he lied to me about it. When did our marriage turn into one where we can’t be open and honest?
When we met, he was just as adamant as I was about not wanting children.
We agreed that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being childless by choice, especially with the careers we were pursuing.
Because that has always been my choice, and I loved him for agreeing with that choice.
He told me he didn’t see himself having children, since working in a hospital is such a taxing, time-consuming career.
I don’t know how to ask Lee if he regrets that now. I’m even more unsure if I want to know his answer.
“You’re being extra quiet tonight,” Lee says with furrowed brows as he stares at me from across the cherry wood table. “Are you nervous about the trip?”
I shrug my shoulders. “No, not really. I’m more nervous about fitting all my clothes into my suitcase than I am about the trip.”
Lee reaches across the table and takes my hand in his, caressing my knuckles gently with his thumb. “Then what is it? You’ve seemed off since we left the store.”
Sometimes I hate that he knows me so well because it’s impossible to lie to him.
Here goes my happy marriage bubble.
“I saw you holding that baby onesie,” I say through clenched teeth while struggling to meet his eyes. His thumb immediately ceases its soft swipes over my knuckles.
Lee sighs and yanks his hand away, making me flinch both outwardly and inwardly as I wait with bated breath to hear whatever lies are about to spill out of his mouth.
“Well?” I ask when he refuses to look at me.
He runs his hands through his dark hair, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Capri,” he finally responds.
My hand forms a fist on my lap as a new wave of anger and disbelief washes over me. We don’t ignore the elephant in the room. And this is a particularly large damn elephant.
“I just want to know what you were thinking when you sought out that aisle. You had this hopeful smirk on your face, like some proud papa or something,” I hiss.
My cheeks redden as my voice rises an octave or two.
“I just thought we were on the same page, and seeing you today with that stupid flowery pink outfit just shattered my entire image of our marriage. I guess I just don’t know how to feel about you right now.
About us.” The stupid, traitorous tears spill down my cheek and make me feel even angrier.
Angrier at myself.
Angrier at Lee.
Angrier because the lies of my past are most certainly going to ruin my marriage, because I can’t ever tell Lee what really happened back then.
The real reason why I can never be a mother.
He would never look at me the same.
Lee rushes to my side of the table, pulls me up from my seat, and hugs me tight around the waist. One arm wraps around my body, and the other cradles my head against his chest.
“Baby, baby, baby,” he whispers into my hair. “Nothing has changed. I promise you. I wasn’t looking at that outfit in any kind of wishful or hopeful way. Trust me.”
The sob that leaves me is disgustingly guttural as he holds me, utterly unfazed by the others in the restaurant sitting around us. “Then why did you lie to me about where you were in the store?”
His laugh vibrates through his chest and my body.
“Oh, you silly woman,” he chuckles, “This reaction right here is why I lied. Because I know you, and I know that you would have ended up spiraling.” Lee grabs my face and tugs my chin up gently so we are looking at each other.
He wipes away my tears before he continues.
“Sort of like the spiral you’re on right now.
You know I don’t like to see you upset.”
I roll my eyes and lean my cheek into his palm. “Okay, fine. That’s true. But then why were you in that aisle?”
Another laugh escapes his lips before he reaches into his back pocket and pulls his wallet out. “Because I know you absolutely abhor that aisle, and I didn’t want to upset you.”
I raise an eyebrow at him and wait for him to continue.
“Anyways, Mariah, Aaron’s wife, is expecting another baby. Aaron’s convinced that this one will finally be his boy. You remember they have three girls already, right?”
I nod.
“Well, Mariah stopped by the hospital and handed me this envelope before they went to lunch earlier today. She asked me to surprise him tomorrow with the correct outfit before we leave for our trip.”
Lee pulls a small black envelope from his wallet and hands it to me. I open it carefully, and when I see what’s inside, I can’t stop the hideous cackle that leaves my body. I look up at my wonderful, amazingly patient husband, and all the stress and anger leave my body in an instant.
“Another girl, huh?” I say with a smirk.
Lee sighs and smiles. “I would say ‘poor Aaron,’ but that man was made to be a girl dad, and he knows it.”
I pull him down and place my lips against his. “I love you, you know that?”
“You love me as much as I love you, my dear.” He kisses me senseless again before pulling away. “Now…how do you feel about going shopping with me again for a ridiculously pink and insanely frilled outfit?”
“Only if we can get ice cream on the way home.”
Shopping for baby things for someone else doesn’t hurt nearly as much as thinking my husband regrets the decision never to have children of our own.