Chapter 18
I opened my eyes, the instant harsh lightning causing me to close them again. I slowly opened them again, adjusting to the sudden change. My head was pounding and I was hyper aware of each breath I took and the pain in my chest with every exhale. I realized that I was staring at the ceiling of whatever room I was in, and my head was laying on a pillow that could only be described as featherlike. I flattened my hands at my sides feeling a mattress underneath me. I was in a bed, I knew that much, but it felt way too much like the kinds of beds you find at an infirmary. I moved my eyes from side to side, searching for something that could give me any indication of where I was.
“Oh, it’s about fucking time.” I heard Elise near one side of the room.
I heard a chair scoot back and then a head of blonde hair filled my view. “How you feeling?”
I reached up, running my hand over my face. “What do you mean? How am I feeling?”
“Yeah, you—you kind of passed out from a panic attack. Natalia and Xander brought you to this cool little healing spot so that you would be more…” Reese trailed off, pressing his lips together.
I closed my eyes tightly, not really understanding. I opened them again, staring into his concerned hazel eyes. “A panic attack? Why would I…”
Beetee tentatively stepped up to my side, so that she could place her fingers gently on my arm. “Yeah, about Dani and Dimitri…”
“Beetee, shush!” Reese shooed her away. The pink haired demon widened her eyes, a look of regret forming on her face.
It only took a few moments, but it was like my mind replayed the last time I’d seen Dani all over again. The date, the library, and when I’d left her to go to Reese’s room for just a few minutes?—
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I shot up from the mattress, my head spinning instantly. I pushed through the mild nausea, nearly kicking Reese out of the way when I swung my legs over the side. They couldn’t really expect me to sit here and not go out and find her. I couldn’t sit here and have her think that I wasn’t running around breathless trying to bring her back.
I got up from the bed, but both my arms were caught by Reese’s hands. “Slow down, Nick. Just breathe.”
“I can breathe just fucking fine.” I shoved his hands off of me, shouldering him out of the way. Beetee fast-walked past me to open the door, closing it behind her.
Reese snaked his hand around my arm, pulling me back. “You won’t be if you don’t stop and take a minute to wake the hell up.”
I ripped my arm away from him and turned on my heels so that we were face to face. “I really don’t need to be coddled right now. What I need is to find my girlfriend.” The label rolled off my tongue like it was always meant to be there and that fact alone hurt my heart even more.
“What you need to do is sit the fuck down, so we can talk to you.” Elise stepped up to me, the look on her face cool and collected.
“I would think you of all people would want to head in there magic blazing. You care about Dani just as much as I do,” I argued, leaning my head down so that she heard every word I said. I honestly didn’t give a fuck if she kneed me in my balls right now. I wanted to get out of here.
Elise let out a soft laugh. “I would love to fuck some shit up, you are right. I am also someone who just saw you hyperventilate and pass out thirty minutes ago, so personally I don’t think you are even remotely prepared to fight for your girl’s honor
I rolled my eyes. “Fine, you don’t have to come with me, I’ll go by myself. So, move.” I pushed her out of my way, wobbling a bit on my feet before heading towards the door.
“Nick, fuck , just stop,” Reese pleaded, the frustrated tone in his voice hitting me for a moment, nearly making me turn around. I almost did, but then I felt a searing pain in my ankle. That pain traveled up to my calf, my knee and then to my thigh. I stumbled, hissing at the sudden burning, but then I couldn’t feel my leg at all. I tried to take another step, but fell forward on my hands and knees, looking back over my shoulder.
“You could have been nicer about it, you fucking psycho.” Reese stared daggers at Elise, who swung her tail behind her. The tip of the magical appendage dripped with the inky black venom that she used to temporarily paralyze.
Elise ignored him. “Now be nice or I’ll make sure the other leg matches, alright?”
I tried to move my leg, but it wouldn’t budge. I managed to flip myself over so I could sit on the floor. The door opened, revealing Xander and Beetee.
I looked up at Xander, whose teal eyes squinted down at me confused. The last time I’d really seen him was when he’d cleaned everyone up after our time in Purgatory. I knew Reese had gone to see him multiple times about his leg, stating that angelic nurses had nothing on the kind of medicine Xander made.
The Enchanter scratched his head. “Didn’t I leave you on the bed last time I was here?”
I let out a huff but didn’t answer him. Reese decided to do it for me. “He wants to go to Purgatory.”
“Right now?” Xander asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
Elise and Reese both nodded. The fact that they seemed like a united front against me was scary enough despite everything else going on.
Xander hummed, squatting down and taking my face in his hands. “I mean, let me look you over first and then well, I can’t advise you to go gallivanting off to be the hero we all already know you are, but I can’t very well stop you either.” He placed his hand on my chest, and I felt an odd vibration as a pulse of color came from his hand. “How do you feel?”
“Like I’ve told them, I’m fine. I feel fine.”
“Muscle soreness, any pains in your body, exhaustion?”
I shook my head, severely annoyed.
“Your chest feels fine, and I don’t believe you hit your head on anything when you passed out, so no need to worry about injuries there. How about shaking or trembling?”
“Nope.” I nearly popped the ‘p’ when I spoke, so fucking tired of this.
“Uh, Nick.” I looked over at Reese who pointed toward my hand that was closest to Xander. I lifted my hand, bringing it to my face and watched as it shook slightly, twitching. My fingers flexed in tiny spurts, and I closed them into a fist.
“Look, that’s nothing. It’s just stupid aftereffects.” I eyed Xander, running my shaky hand through my hair. He looked at me with a sense of understanding, but at the same time it was his job to look after people. “I feel fine. It’s one little fucking slip. I’m allowed to do that, like I don’t understand the big deal. It’s one little panic attack.” I felt like I was fighting in a losing battle.
Xander sighed. “Like I said, I can’t stop you from doing what you want to do. But just take this.” He pulled out a tiny bottle with a cork at the top. “It’s a lavender blend. It will soothe you internally. It’s pretty nasty going down, but it should help.”
I took it from him, yanking out the cork and downing the liquid. I scrunched up my face, wishing the bitter taste would quickly subside.
Xander looked over his shoulder and nodded, swapping places with Beetee. She gave me a small smile as she fanned her neon pink dress around her so she could sit on the floor. “I know you want to save her; believe me we all do.” Her voice was almost like a whisper. “I know I haven’t known you all that long, but I have a pretty good assumption that you wouldn’t want to go into something without all the information. Something so tiny could mean everything when it comes to getting her back. We would never keep you from her, but you are just as much of a priority to us as she is to you.” Her lilac-colored eyes were almost imploring me to side with her.
I didn’t know if it was whatever Xander had given me or the way Beetee spoke with a friendly softness, but I nodded. She reached over and pinched my leg.
“Ow, fuck.”
She giggled. “It looks like you got feeling back.”
Reese walked over, offering me his outstretched hand. Once I was off the ground, he steered me back to the bed, nearly forcing me to sit down. Xander clapped his hands together, pointing his thumb towards the door. “Should I go get Natalia?”
Elise swung her head towards him. “No. You and the witch have done enough, thanks.” She gave him a forced smile and half assed wave.
Xander raised an eyebrow, but simply chuckled. “Feisty one, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question, just an observation. He winked over at Reese while he walked backwards towards the door. “Watch your leg in Purgatory. I didn’t spend all that time healing you for nothing.”
When he was gone, I dug my hand in my pocket, pulling out Reese’s lucky arrowhead. His hazel eyes narrowed when I presented it to him. “I almost forgot to give you this.”
He plucked the charm from my fingers, flipping it over in his palm. My best friend let out a heavy sigh. “Doesn’t seem too important anymore.” He let out a short joyless laugh as if everything that that arrowhead stood for was some kind of joke now. “Really don’t know how lucky this thing is.”
“Listen, you asked me to go get it for you and I did. No one could have assumed that Dimitri would blow everything to shit.”
Reese slipped the charm into his pocket and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I know, I know. I just know that if you didn’t then everything would probably be different right now. Or maybe everything would be fucking worse, I don’t know. I guess the only thing I really want to say right now is I’m sorry.”
I tilted my head to the side, nudging his bicep with my fist. “The only person who needs to be sorry right now is Dimitri.” I pointed at his pocket that held the arrowhead. “That thing still might have some luck in it, don’t doubt it now. We’ll need it for finding her in Purgatory.”
Elise clucked her tongue. “Right…about that.”
We both glanced over at her as she slid her eyes over to Beetee who was nervously biting her lower lip. After a moment of silence, I spoke. “About what?”
“Purgatory. We aren’t going there.”
“Of course we are,” Reese argued, waving his hand at her dismissively.
Elise pointed her finger at him. “Good luck with that because you won’t fucking find her.”
My eyes narrowed and her words stung. “Well that’s super fucking shitty of you to say.”
“What she means is that she’s not there,” Beetee explained, her eyes not really looking at me. She almost looked as if she was too nervous to say anything else.
“That doesn’t make any sense.” I shook my head in disbelief.
Elise rubbed her forehead, letting out a frustrated sigh. “Oh yes it does. I would love to tell you that Dimitri has taken her back to Lilith and she’s held up in some prison in her castle. I would be stupidly overjoyed to proudly tell you that very notion, but I can’t because it would be a fucking lie. And it would be a waste of my fucking time to have you believe everything is that simple.”
I licked my lips, reaching up and rubbing my finger along one of my eyebrows. “Then where is she?” My voice was steady but concerned.
Elise pressed her tongue into her cheek, her gray eyes piercing into my brown ones. She looked as if she knew exactly what she was going to say but my reaction was the thing holding her back. It was almost like she cared just a bit about my wellbeing. “She’s in Hell.”
“I’m sure being with Dimitri is hell, yes.” Reese said, sarcastically, rolling his eyes. The air left my lungs when I considered what she said, what it meant. I swallowed the lump down into my throat and I could feel the nausea starting to build up. I felt myself wanting to nearly dry heave.
“I mean literal Hell, Blondie.” She shook her head at him, but focused back on me.
My mouth felt dry, but I was able to form words as difficult as it was. “How do you know that?”
Elise crossed her arms over her chest and shrugged. “I’ve known Dimitri for longer than I’d like to admit and he’s fucking pissed. You made him look like a fucking idiot in his own club, Dani took his hand and you faked him out with her death. He thought he was getting something promised to him by Lilith and he’s now an embarrassed entitled piece of shit. His father runs the prison down there and what better way to keep your ex-girlfriend in line then to bring her home and make her wish she had respected you all along.”
“So what? He’s keeping her stowed away, nice and pretty, for what?” Reese asked, leaning against the bed.
Elise looked over at Beetee again who met her gaze and furiously started biting her fingernails. They both had this look of hesitation. “I told Dani a few days ago that that little blast of hers might have caused an issue. Something with that much power is hard to miss no matter what realm you’re in. Clearly I was right.” She looked up at the ceiling, groaning. “Dimitri isn’t like Lilith though, that bitch wanted Dani to do all the work, but Dimitri….he sees her as an equal, a partner in destruction. He knows she can produce that kind of power now, so unfortunately I can’t tell you what that means to him. If I know Dani at all, she’ll fight against that asshole.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Dimitri in his own sick way cares about her I guess, so maybe he’s just hiding her away and that’s it.” The look in Elise’s eyes sent a shudder down my back. It was almost like she cringed at my optimism.
“Hell is the kind of place that doesn’t want fuck ups and mishaps unless Lucifer himself calls for it, hence why Dimitri hasn’t caused a scene and the reason why nothing has happened since she’s been gone. Nothing has happened here , Nick, that doesn’t mean nothing is happening over there.”
“The fuck does that mean?” I said, jumping off the bed and turning my body to face her.
I heard Beetee clear her throat, running a shaky hand over the shaved side of her head. “There is a lot of chatter about Dimitri not being the…nicest. Especially when it comes to that place. Creatures get menacingly tortured there…”
“And since his father is letting him have a little more control in everything, Dimitri is usually the one calling all the shots. He puts on a really nice fucking facade I’ll tell you that. Demons at that club worship him. While I love the idea of blood and torturing for the hell of it, Dimitri is just fucking cruel.” Elise scoffed, looking off to the side as if a small memory ran through her mind, but then she blinked back over to me.
“The simple fact that those words came out of your mouth says a fucking lot.” Reese ran both his hands through his hair, the blonde locks becoming a messy mop on his head.
My heart was pounding in my chest and I almost felt like I could hear it. I took small breaths, trying to steady my composure. My blood boiled when I’d seen him touch her at Leviathan as if he had the right and now my blood was boiling over thinking about him hurting her. My hands were shaking, but not from any sort of aftereffects, but from literal rage that coursed through my veins. I always saw myself as the type of person who fought when I needed to, became violent when it was called for, but right now I wanted more than just the typical violence.
I wanted him to suffer the kind of torture that Elise probably couldn’t even dream up.
I pushed past her more than ready to storm out that door and have her take us straight to the pits of Hell. I would spend an eternity down there if it meant I would find her. I turned on my heels back to my friends. “You know how to get there?”
Elise gave me a look like I was stupid. “Of course I do.”
I grabbed my portal key from around my neck, snatched her hand and placed the magical item in her palm. “Then take us there.”
Elise closed the portal key in her fist and scrunched her mouth to one side. “You forget there are other people involved here Nicholas, like Garrett. You want to clue him in on the plan?”
I opened my mouth to speak but she cut me off. “I know you are very set on this rescue mission and I am with you one thousand percent. I am more than ready to obliterate his other hand at this point. I am ready to remove him and Lilith from this equation all together, but going there might cause a lot of backlash for this place you call your home. It may not mean anything to me, but from where I’m standing it’s not fucking fair to just portal out of this room and leave them to their own devices.”
Reese whistled. “Damn, it sounds like you actually care.”
I could see her jaw tense and the way she ground her teeth together. “I fucking don’t. I just don’t want to come back here and you send yourself into another spiraling mess because you weren’t thinking. You don’t have to be forthcoming with that shithead Ariel, but all of these people have risked their fucking lives for you and for some odd reason care about you. Dani is strong and can hang on, even when it comes to Dimitri, or did you fucking forget that despite what Lilith likes to claim, I’m the one that taught her how to survive.”
I pressed my lips together letting her scold me like I was a child. Maybe she was right. I had let Garrett cry on my shoulder and promised him that he would get a chance to collect his family. Natalia had been this enchanting rock holding us together most times and I wanted to just leave without any sort of acknowledgement or parting words to them.
Elise’s voice filtered into my thoughts as she fiddled with the portal key in her hand. “In case you didn’t remember, you nearly buckled and lost yourself in Purgatory due to everything you wouldn’t say. Dimitri got a taste of your blood down there, so as scary as it seems he will always have some tiny connection to those deep seeded parts of you.”
Reese raised an eyebrow. “Nick’s been handling all of that. We’ve all made sure he’s been good and he has.”
Elise hummed, her words coming out sarcastically. “Oh yeah, I totally see that.” She casually sniffed the air. “You wanna know what I smell on you, Nicholas?”
I furrowed my brow.
“Resentment.”
“Ellie….” Beetee started, but Elise put her hand up to silence her.
Elise grabbed my chin and lightly shook my head. “Resentment is a nasty thing to hold onto Nick. Believe me, I know, I do it every fucking day, but I’m aware of it. I speak it into existence so it isn’t something to use against me. The reason why all the sadness and pity ganged up on you in Purgatory is because you couldn’t admit to yourself that they were a part of you. Resentment works the same way and if you think that Purgatory was bad, Hell will eat you alive if you walk in with that hefty fucking baggage looming over you. I’m honestly surprised Dimitri hasn’t dug his demonic nails into your little brain by now and fucked around in there.”
I looked over her shoulder at Reese who was looking at me, but then his hazel eyes flashed with silent understanding. His mouth gaped open and he scrubbed a hand down his face.
“What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t resent anyone.”
Elise cocked her head to the side. “Oh really? No one at all?”
“Elise just back off,” Reese warned, moving around her and standing next to me.
Elise waved her hands in front of us as if she was done with this conversation and our attitudes. “All any of you guys have done is coddle him. You will be no good to any of us, especially Dani if you don’t talk to your father . I don’t think you are afraid of the story or the knowledge you’ve learned. I think you’re afraid of what it all means. For your future, for the past you can’t remember. You think you had it all figured out and now it’s all fucked up and you don’t like that. You. Are. Afraid.”
My blood ran cold and my shoulders stiffened. “I…I’m not…I don’t…”
“You need to run into Hell with the idea that nothing is holding you back. When your father came to Oculus and explained things to us, it sounded like he told you a story that you ultimately gave no feedback on. You didn’t yell at him, you didn’t cry, you didn’t do anything, you just stormed out and removed him from your life. You don’t go into places like Hell with a small inkling that you might not make it out when you have unfinished business. If you die there, you don’t have your pretty soul moved to Heaven; you’ll go to Limbo because you have no idea what else to do and you won’t get a chance to do it again.” Her tone was filled with agitation.
“You can’t make me do anything. You can’t push me to do something I’m not ready for, that’s not fair.” I wanted my words to make a statement but all they did was bounce off her guarded exterior as if she knew that’s exactly what I would say in retaliation.
“No I can’t, but you can sure as hell believe that I’m not going with you and neither is Beetee.”
Beetee let out a tiny gasp.
“So you just plan to leave Dani to fend for herself!”
“No, you fucking idiot. If you go there assuming you’ll be fine, you won’t save her either way. We will all be stuck taking care of you. I refuse to have a repeat of Purgatory and you honestly shouldn’t want that. You want me to trust you? Have faith in you as your people like to say? Then do what I fucking say!”
“You want me to tell you that I wish my dad had told me the truth? You want me to tell you that I feel like I’ve been lied to by the one person that I trusted more than anything in the entire realm? You want me to say that sometimes I’ve considered never speaking to him again and then hated myself the minute it crossed my mind? There I said it!” I heard my voice start to shake and I didn’t feel better saying it. I thought I would feel better.
Why didn’t I feel better?
Elise put her hands over her face, letting out slow breaths. “Your honesty is riveting but this isn’t like Purgatory where just speaking it into existence is all it takes. You felt all the things yourself while you were there, it was all internal. You had to forgive yourself.” She pressed her index finger into my chest. “Everything you just said is all about someone else. It needs to be directed at someone else . That is the only way it will attempt to resolve itself. That is the only way you are making it in Hell.”
I ran my hands roughly through my hair and turned around, catching Beetee’s eye. She looked sympathetic but it also looked like she agreed with Elise.
“You should really give him more credit. You want people to just be ready on your timeline Elise and that’s a bit fucked up,” Reese insisted.
“He isn’t going to ever be ready . You know your best friend better than any of us and he is going to put it off. Please, Blondie look me in my face and tell me I’m wrong.”
I waited for Reese to say the things he always did, find some way around her statements, but all I did was hear him sigh. I fucking hated this. I hated knowing that in a way, I was being forced to do something, but on the other hand I understood why. I wanted to find Dani and bring her back to me, keep her safe. There was a tiny part of me that almost wanted her there when I decided to speak to my father, but then I would second guess and think that it would be better if I went alone. I would wish that I had never questioned him about anything and been left in the dark. I had even considered leaving things and just moving on, attempting to carry on a relationship without ever bringing my mother up ever again.
My head hurt from my thoughts and my skin felt overheated. Hands were on my arms and my body was being turnt so that I was facing Elise yet again. She didn’t look any less irritated but something about the look in her eyes told me that she was forcing herself to soften just a tiny bit. “I am going to say this and you are going to never ever fucking ask me about it.”
I waited patiently as she pressed her lips together, tucking a piece of her dark hair behind her ear. “I know what it’s like to have a less than great parental figure and I am more than aware of what a major fuck up in that department looks like. I stare my resentment in the fucking face and it runs and hides from me. Let me be super clear when I say that your father is far better than great. I hardly believe in second chances, Nicholas, but in this case and for the sake of saving my… friend , I can make an exception.” She scratched at her neck as if admitting that Dani was her friend would give her a rash.
I peeked over at Reese who looked just as surprised as me. He lifted one his shoulders in a shrug. “You know my parents aren’t the greatest but I’ve owned that. Do I wish it was better? Yes. But I’ve come to terms with it. I think it’s time you come to terms with this too. If we cry, we cry, right?”
I let out a choked laugh. Beetee crept up to my side. “As much as you think she’s being a bully, which she kind of is…” The pink haired demon side-eyed Elise who rolled her eyes, “but she isn’t wrong. Maybe you can go there and knock on the door, if you want to turn back then turn back. If he answers the door and you can’t do it then, okay, you took that step. It’s just time you took any type of step in general.”
Elise dangled my portal key in front of me. “We all sat around and heard your father’s hot little heart break over your past and your mother. You are allowed to be upset with the man, you are even allowed to hate him, but what you aren’t allowed to do is hold him accountable for the actions of someone else. Your mother made the decision she did. He was honoring what she wanted because he loved her Nick. Take pride that you came from a fucking man who honors his word even at the expense of his son’s trust.”
Her words caused my breath to catch in my throat. My hands shook as I grabbed the key from her. The chain swung in my grasp as I tried to control my trembling fingers. My mind started replaying the last thing Dani had said about my father.
You don’t have to forgive him entirely but go scream at him, stomp around your house, something…. he’s given you all his love and attention for twenty-four years, you owe him at least some of yours back.
I was doing this because I was in love with her and even before she had exceeded in learning her powers, she was worried that I would falter and she wouldn’t be able to help me. I gave a quick look around the room at people worried about the same thing. It wasn’t that they thought that I couldn’t do it, it was simply that they knew I could but I was the only one who needed convincing.
“Do you need us to go with you?” Reese asked.
I shook my head. “No, just umm, let everyone know to be ready when I get back. We’ll meet outside of Natalia’s, okay?”
He nodded, along with Beetee. Elise wiggled her fingers in a goodbye gesture.
I made my portal and held my breath the entire time.
I landed near the back door, outside my house. I let my eyes roam over the exterior wanting to take in everything I hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. It had been only about a month, but this was probably the longest amount of time we’d gone without speaking. I rolled my shoulders, taking in a deep breath.
One deep breath in, one deep breath out.
I heard voices inside and I recognized them easily. It felt like a weight on my heart. I rubbed my hands together, feeling how sweaty they were. I could turn back now, but something in my gut told me not to. I was doing this for the sake of my own mental state and my life when going to Hell, but I was also doing this for— me . I was doing this for the relationship I legitimately wanted to mend, but I was afraid.
Elise was right. I was afraid .
I curled my hand into a fist and without thinking I knocked on the wooden door. I heard footsteps on the other side. I realized how fucking late it was and I started to feel like this was a mistake.
“Coming!” I heard Daya yell.
I counted backwards from ten in my head, but didn’t even get a chance to get to one when she opened the door and I was met with her stunned face. Her shiny dark hair was pulled over one shoulder and her nose ring twinkled in the tiny lights my father displayed no matter what time of year it was. Her olive skin looked smooth and untouched with age, except for the crinkles around her eyes.
Her shocked expression morphed into something else. Her eyes started to water but the way she smiled looked as if she was trying to hold the moisture from leaving her bottom lids. She placed her hand on her chest and I had a feeling my own heart was beating faster than hers. Her mouth moved but no words came out.
“Daya, who is it?” I heard my father say and I started to chew on the inside of my cheek.
Daya simply looked at me, as if she was asking me for permission. If this was what I wanted.
“I want to talk to my dad.” It sounded like I had whispered it, but I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure of anything at the moment.
My father’s girlfriend cleared her throat, making sure her voice didn’t sound like she was about to burst into tears. “Maurice, it’s Nick.”
She stepped aside to let me in, but not before opening her arms to embrace me in the biggest hug. Everything looked exactly the same and little by little, the ambiance of this place I called home started to settle against me. I heard footsteps that I knew well enough and I immediately looked down at the floor.
“What are you talking…” My father’s words were cut off when he stepped out of the hallway and into the living room. I didn’t know what it was, but I instantly felt myself wanting to cry. Something wrapped around me, almost like a familiar comfort, but nothing was touching me. My eyes were still towards the ground as my heart hammered against my chest.
One deep breath in, one deep breath out.
Inch by inch I let my eyes float upwards, until they were looking into a face that looked just like mine but older. They looked at familiar brown eyes, a mustache that was always trimmed, and a look of pure stunned joy at my presence. His lips pulled into a small smile.
Mine did the same before I opened my mouth. “Hi, Dad.”