Chapter 18
Eighteen
Leif
My thoughts are erratic, my body hopped up on adrenaline, and a new kind of panic I’ve never experienced before. I place her gently in the passenger seat of my ride and quickly round the truck to slide behind the steering wheel and drive us home.
I need to check on Cami, but I also need to get us out of the parking lot of this music festival, swarming with eyes and cell phones and nosy people.
When we’re a few streets away from the mayhem, I pull into a random parking lot and cut the engine. Glancing at my girl, I note how she’s tucked herself into a ball, her feet under her body, her forehead pressed against the window.
“Cam,” I murmur.
She turns and looks at me. Her eyes are rimmed in heartache, her irises bleeding with regret. “I’m so sorry, Leif.”
I shake my head and place a hand on her thigh. I need to touch her. Feel connected to her. Make sure she knows that I’m here for her . “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“You don’t know the full story.”
“I don’t need to. I know you .”
She closes her eyes and twin tears fall to her cheeks.
Fuck, but it hurts seeing her cry. It twists my chest and burns my throat. It’s a different kind of pain too.
“Leif,” she whispers.
“Talk to me, babe. I hate seeing you hurt.”
She opens her eyes and shakes her head. Her tongue darts out to wet her lips. “That was Levi Rousell. He’s a guitarist for The Burnt Clovers.”
I nod, my jaw tightening. My molars grind together and my nostrils flare. Yeah, I caught that part. I’d know that fucker anyway because he was splashed across the covers of gossip magazines Annie and her ice-skating friends used to thumb through. One of the girls had a massive crush on him. I know he went to rehab and cleaned up his act and has turned his life around.
“He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,” I grind out, furious all over again.
We fucked in Barcelona, yeah?
He said it so damn casually. So cool and clipped. Like he was just remembering the incident. Like he could have had Cami and forgot her.
That pissed me off.
But the fact that he once claimed my wife at all? That made my blood run hotter than lava and my hands curl into fists and my calmness evaporate. I couldn’t have held back from hitting him if I tried—and I didn’t want to restrain myself. I wanted to knock the fucker out.
I’m even mad at him for holding up his hands in apology. A part of me wished he lashed out, so I could’ve dropped him, my reputation be damned.
Cami twists in her seat, facing me straight on. “He was the relationship that ended badly.”
Yeah. I got that. “Did you love him?” It’s the question I most and least want the answer to. Tension coils lightly in my body as I wait for her response. It doesn’t matter that she said they’d only dated briefly.
We got married in a couple of hours.
Feelings are feelings regardless of the time invested.
“I thought I did,” she muses. Then sighs heavily. “I fell for Levi fast. He was different than any man I’d ever met.”
I feel physically ill. But I lock down my reactions and listen to Cami. I want every word she’s willing to give me and none at all. What a mind fuck.
“He was larger than life, you know?” She glances at me and then pales. The tears come faster. “I’m sorry. I’m?—”
“No.” I shift closer. “No, I want you to tell me.”
She exhales and tucks her hair behind her ears. She turns fully and my hand slides off her thigh. She hugs her knees to her chest and presses her back against the passenger door. “I’ve never told anyone the full story before. I mean, other than my family.”
Well, that makes me feel marginally better. That means she trusts me, right? “You can tell me whatever you want, Knox. I’m not here to judge you. I want…” I grip the back of my neck. “I want us to be honest with each other.
She bites her bottom lip. “Levi was this international rock god and I was just…me. A nineteen-year-old kid in Europe for the first time. I studied abroad the first semester of my sophomore year.”
“Don’t most students go junior year?”
“Yeah,” she snorts. “But when I was a sophomore, Jenna was a senior. I was studying near home, in Minnesota but she went to Pepperdine in California.”
I nod, having heard of the university in LA.
“I missed her. And our parents felt better about us being in Europe together. So, I went a year early, she went a year late, and we agreed on Spain.”
“That must have been a cool experience for you two,” I admit, wondering where I would have gone if I studied abroad. The only thing I did through college was focus on hockey. My brothers were mostly the same. While we’re fortunate to have traveled for the game, we never had the exciting adventure of a semester abroad.
“You have no idea how grateful I am that Jenna was with me. I met Levi my first week there. The band was on their European tour and had a handful of dates in Spain. It was…wild.” She shakes her head, her eyes flashing. “Being with them, it’s like being in another world. It’s a level of stardom, of fandom, I can’t explain. My sister kept warning me. But I was enamored. At that time, I would have followed Levi to the ends of the Earth.”
I work a swallow and drop my hands to my lap as they curl into fists. I hate that Levi fucking Rousell got some of my girl’s sparkle. And then he dimmed it.
“He was my first,” Cami admits, her voice low. “And because of that, I think I needed to believe that what was between us was real. Even though, logically, it couldn’t have been.”
I frown. “Don’t say that. You?—”
“No,” she cuts me off. “Don’t comfort me. I’m not saying it couldn’t have worked because of me. It couldn’t have worked because of him. He was so deep into the spiral by then. Drugs, booze, women. Everything was about the party. The moment. And it was fun and reckless and euphoric in this big, exciting way. There was limitless access to all these forbidden things. And I was tempted, curious, excited… I wanted to try everything with him.”
Fucking hell. I scrape my upper lip between my teeth. “Did you?” I grate out.
Cami nods. “It all went sour one night. Levi wanted me to take pictures.”
I close my eyes, feeling the blood drain from my face.
“I did some lines of coke first. Then, I did everything he asked. I don’t even remember passing out. But when I woke up, the hotel room was in a frenzy. His bandmates, personnel, security… It was a nightmare. Levi was put on a plane and entered rehab. I called my sister who called my parents, and we flew back home. And then, it took my parents months—and a lot in legal bills—to acquire those photos so they wouldn’t leak and ruin my future.”
“Fuck, Cami,” I mutter.
She nods. “I know. I fucked up so badly.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You were a kid who made a bad call. But everything afterwards…it impacted you.”
“I forgot how to trust myself. Or lost faith in my ability to navigate things. I spent the next three years drawing inward and letting my mom manage things for me. Then, I realized how much I was missing out on, and I missed parts of the old me.”
“Vegas?”
“Embracing the moment,” she admits.
I nod. “You regret it?”
“No.” Her eyes are serious when they latch onto mine. “I don’t have regrets anymore, Leif,” she repeats the words to me. “And I will never regret anything with you.” She leans forward to take my hand. She runs her fingertips over my knuckles. “Does it hurt?”
I shake my head. “I kind of forgot about it.”
Cami snorts. “I can’t believe you hit him.”
“I can’t believe that’s all I did.”
She glances at me. “I’m sorry for ruining your night.”
“I didn’t care about the music festival as much as I cared about being with you, Cam. I’m glad you told me the truth. Even though it fucking sucked to hear it.”
Her eyes turn wary, and I shake my head to stop her thoughts before they spiral. “I want to know things about your past, Cam. I want to know you.”
“I just feel so ashamed,” she admits, her voice cracking. “So stupid and na?ve. Then, seeing him tonight… There are so many things I wanted to say. There was never any closure, you know? One minute he was there, the next he was in rehab. And it’s like what transpired between us never happened. I went home from Spain and Mom became nearly unbearable with her hovering. She was worried I was into drugs. She constantly thought I was lying to her.” She smiles softly. “Thank God for Jenna. I can’t wait for you to meet her.”
“Same,” I murmur. I glance through the window behind Cami’s head, taking in the random Knoxville backdrop. Yeah, it’s a big city but my life here is a simple slice. I may be a hockey player but that’s nothing compared to a rock god. There isn’t limitless champagne and tours across Europe. What if this isn’t enough for her?
What if I’m not enough for her?
When I look at Cami, she’s lost in her thoughts again. Her makeup is slightly smeared from her tears, and she looks every bit the scared, na?ve, broken-hearted girl I can picture at nineteen.
Never before have I been so fearful of rejection. But I hate wondering if Cami is comparing me to Levi Rousell. I can’t fucking stand the thought of not living up to her expectations or the future she envisions.
She never wanted to stay married. I did.
Does she still? Even now, after seeing her first love?
She gave him her damn virginity.
And never got closure.
We sit in silence for a long moment with only the sounds of our breathing. Her phone beeps and when she looks at the screen, she grins.
Is it him? Did he get her number from Sam or Tarek? Is he reaching out?
“Tarek says he and Sam are calling it an early night. He wanted to check that we’re good,” Cami explains, tapping out a reply.
I don’t say anything. I can’t.
Because for the first time in my life I’m confused with jealousy, with a possessiveness, I’ve never felt before. And I hate that too. There are too many complicated feelings—most of them negative—that go against my nature.
“Are you hungry?” Cami asks.
“Sure,” I say, putting the truck back in drive. I ease it onto the road and set it in the direction of my house. “What are you in the mood for?”
“Pizza.” She shrugs.
“Want to place an order? We can pass by and get it,” I reply. I feel like I’m on autopilot, going through the motions. I’m relieved Cami confided in me. I’m thankful that she trusts me enough to tell me her story. But she gave me so much to process.
Is that the incident that has caused her and her mother so much distress?
Is that why she ghosted me after we got married?
Is she still hung up on fucking Levi?
Is she going to disappear on me again?
The thoughts plague me through a sleepless night and throughout the following day.
Even though Cami and I settle back into our routine, something’s different. There’s an awareness between us now. One where I know the truth of her past and I’m worried, if given the choice, would she choose me for her future?
Would she choose me at all?