Chapter 41
41
ONE WEEK LATER
“Boss,” Sisco called. “You’ve got a visitor at the gate. Do you want me to let her through?”
Logan sat with Sadie, Cole, Landon, Casper, and Cory. “A visitor?”
“Yeah, and I think you’ll want to meet with her.”
Logan glanced at the video surveillance, and his heart started pounding a rhythm he thought was lost to him. Standing outside the lane in a rental energy-efficient car was Vivian. Taking to his feet, he scooted his chair back, nearly hitting the table behind him. The others turned to him, but no one spoke. He’d told everyone of Donald’s call… all of it. At first, he’d thought to keep what happened to Vivian to himself but found that it was a story that needed to be told—a warning not to take anything for granted when on a mission.
“Let her in,” he replied to Sisco. “I’ll meet her at the house.” Without another word to his Keepers, he hastened upstairs. By the time he made it to the front porch, Sisco was waving her off as she pulled up to the side.
Stepping out of her vehicle, she looked up at him. Long, dark, silky hair, gently blowing in the breeze. Navy corduroy pants curved over her hips and thighs, paired with a light blue sweater. Black boots. Petite body that he knew fit perfectly with his. She was pale and appeared thinner than when he’d last seen her. But she was so fucking beautiful, his breath caught in his throat.
As he closed the distance, his heart began to pound, and he wasn’t sure there was enough air in the Montana skies to fill his lungs at the moment. As he approached, he noted the forced smile darting about her lips and her hands twisting together. He gazed into her eyes, and her nervousness was palpable. Stopping a few feet away, he drank her in, but not knowing why she was here, he held back from pulling her into his arms.
They stood, silent, as though both were afraid to speak. Finally, he simply breathed, “Viv.”
She immediately pressed her lips together tightly before sucking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I thought this would be easier,” she said, blinking several times as she breathed in and out.
His brow furrowed in silent questioning.
“Seeing you again, that is.”
“I’m really glad to see you.” Seeing her uncertain smile again, he wondered about her motive. “Uh…did you want to talk…or uh…?”
“Yes, very much. I’d like some… um… I need some closure.”
“Oh. Yeah…sure.” The idea of her forever goodbye hitting him while in his home gutted him, but he also knew he’d want the memory of just having her be in his space. He offered his hand, grateful when she took it. The electricity from her fingertips had them both staring at their clasped hands for a moment before their gazes jumped back up.
Knowing this would be the last time her hand would be in his, he entwined his fingers with hers and led her up his front porch steps. He felt a gentle tug and looked down, relieved she was not trying to disengage his hand but was instead staring off into the distance, a smile curving her lips.
“Oh, my,” Vivian whispered, her voice filled with awe at the Montana vista. “This is breathtaking. To think that you look at this every day. Every sunrise and sunset. Wow.” Giving her head a small shake, she blushed as she quickly continued up the steps.
Throwing open the door, Logan led her inside, giving her the view of his open but warm living space and the minimal, comfortable furnishings. Offering her a seat on the sofa, he reluctantly let go of her hand as he headed to the kitchen, grabbing two beers before walking back to her.
Poncho was already sitting at her feet, purring loudly as his head was being scratched. The cat stared up at her, loving the ministrations, and for the first time, Logan was jealous of a cat. A tiny meow sounded out from in front of the fireplace, and Vivian’s gaze shot to the other side of the room.
“Sakari! You kept Sakari?” Vivian slipped off the sofa and knelt on the floor with her hand extended. Sakari rose from her cushion and glided on delicate paws to offer her head for petting. Not to be ignored, Poncho moved in closer, and soon, Vivian’s face was awash with a sweet smile as she rubbed both cats. She finally looked over and then moved to resettle on the sofa.
Choosing to stay close, no matter how much her words were going to hurt, he chose to sit on the sofa, twisting his body to face her. “I had to bring Sakari back. And that’s Poncho, by the way. He’s become rather enamored and protective of her.”
Vivian’s eyes widened, and he hastened to add, “I had them both neutered. There are other strays around, but for them, I didn’t want him to go after her when she was in heat.”
“Good thinking,” she said softly, nodding. Taking a long swig of her beer, she looked down for a moment, seeming to gather her courage.
“Viv, you came a long way to talk to me… or to tell me something. I’m going to let you take your time to say whatever you need. You can call the shots.” He steeled himself for her anger, and his stomach clenched.
“I… um… I became sick when I got back from Alaska,” she began, looking up to hold his gaze. “It must have happened when I was cleaning up, although with so much bleach, I have no idea how. I handled the plastic bag afterward, so that must have been it.”
“I am so sorry?—”
“No, no. I mean, it’s not your fault. It certainly proved what we knew could happen as far as biological terrorism.” Snorting, she added, “I was very mildly sick, and in fact, they used me to study what drugs worked best and how to contain contamination.” Hefting her delicate shoulders in a slight shrug, she said, “I became another DHS biological test.”
“Oh shit, Viv…”
Unable to hold back a rueful chuckle, she smiled, and he felt the punch to his gut. He had woken up to that smile for weeks and had missed it for the past couple of months.
“Anyway, I’m all better… no lasting side effects or anything, other than a little lingering fatigue.” They sat in silence again for a few minutes as she stared at her beer bottle again. “I’m also in counseling. For… well, for everything.” She lifted her gaze back to his and said, “My supervisor said it was mandatory for me to keep my job, and let’s face it, I needed it. So I’ve been seeing someone who works with former military personnel. They understand PTSD.”
His heart ached at her words. He knew what she went through, but hearing her speak of it pierced straight through him.
“I’m actually doing really well,” she admitted with a small smile. “I don’t have nightmares anymore. Well, at least only rarely, and when I do, I know several techniques for calming myself.”
“I’m glad,” he said, sincerity filling his voice. “I never meant for any of that to happen, Viv. None of it?—”
She leaned forward and placed her hand on his arm, giving a little squeeze. “Oh, Logan, I know. None of it was your fault. You had a job to do, and I know that.” Swallowing deeply, she said, “I’m not here to make you feel guilty. I’m here because my therapist told me I had one more thing I needed to take care of and that was to face you. The way things ended… I had no closure.”
“And that’s why you’re here? Closure?” He wasn’t sure his heart could take any more pain but was determined to let her have what she needed.
She nodded slowly. “I need you to hear me out, please.” Seeing him give a quick nod, she sucked in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “I’m not sorry at all that I took the assignment. The truth of the matter is, I was bored just working in a lab, and even as scary as the situation became, I needed to see how my work had meaning when faced with how terrorists can use biological warfare. It opened my eyes.”
She blew out another long breath. “But on a personal level with the way things ended… it was all so…” Huffing, she grimaced. “I’ve practiced what I was going to say so much, and now that I’m here facing you, my words all seem so stupid.”
Reaching over to take her hand, he rubbed his thumb over her soft skin. “Just say whatever it is, Viv. I know I deserve whatever you’ve got to get off your chest.”
She startled, and confusion filled her eyes. “I was going to say that I felt so connected to you. It wasn’t like we had to play the part of being a couple. Honestly, I fell for you. Truly, honestly, fell for you.”
His hand stilled as he jerked his head to the side, but before he could speak, she continued. “It’s just that at the end, when you had to do your job and then everything went crazy, I felt like we didn’t get our chance to tell each other how we really felt. It was all so much about the mission, and I know it needed to be, but I’ve felt for months like so many things went unsaid.”
Pushing her shoulders back, she steeled her spine, holding his gaze. “So that’s what I came to say. I fell in love with you in Alaska, and I’m not sorry at all. I just didn’t get a chance to tell you how I felt. I once told you I was waiting for a hero, and that hero was you. That’s still true. My counselor said that I need to face the fact that I was grieving lost love as much as the PTSD, and I should come face you so at least I will have said it instead of holding it all in.” Her voice was etched with sadness, and her shoulders now hunched slightly as though her energy was spent.
She smiled gently, reaching up to cup his stubbled cheek. “Please don’t feel the need to say anything. I don’t want anything from you other than the chance to have seen you one last time. Thank you for letting me get my feelings out.” Standing, she slid her purse strap on her shoulder and started toward the door.
Dizzy with emotions, he stood quickly, calling out, “You loved me?”
She turned. Her gaze sought his, and she nodded slowly. “Yes. That’s why I needed to come see you. To know for sure that I told you how I felt, and then hopefully, I’ll be able to move on from this.”
“Why do you want to move on?”
Her brow furrowed as she tilted her head. “I need to move on, Logan. What happened in Alaska happened. But I know it’s over. The mission… us… it’s over. Staying in love with a man who doesn’t reciprocate that love isn’t healthy.”
“But you only just told me how you felt,” he accused gently. “You didn’t ask me how I felt.”
Pinching her lips together, she stared without saying anything.
“I went to Alaska to do a mission. Find the terrorist cell. Work with a biologist to determine what they were up to. And when I had the evidence, destroy it. Then eliminate. That was it. That last part isn’t what being a Keeper is all about, and I’ll never take a mission like that again. But I did what I was sent to do because when it was all over, leaving them alive would only leave you exposed if they figured out who was after them. I did what I needed to do, but it gutted me to push you away to keep you safe.” Spreading his hand out from his body, he said, “But I never counted on falling in love with you.”
She gasped as her eyes widened, but she remained silent.
“Living with you… laughing with you… hell, just being with you was more than I ever expected. And came to be all I wanted.” He let out a shaky breath. “But when it came right down to it, I was afraid. I hated to think of you knowing what I had to do. I hated to think of how you would look at me. And so, I took the chickenshit way out. I pushed you away instead of telling you the truth and then letting you figure out if you could still care for me.”
Vivian faced him fully now, her purse dropping to the floor as she wrapped her arms protectively around her middle. “I was scared. Never scared of you, but I admit, knowing what you had to do unnerved me. I didn’t stop loving you,” she admitted. “But I wish we’d had time to talk about us. Everything went to hell so quickly, and I didn’t know how to cope.”
Shaking his head sadly, he said, “Me neither. I pushed you away to protect you, but all I did was make you feel rejected. I’m sorry, Viv. So fuckin’ sorry.”
Her chin dropped, and she stared at her boots for a moment, then lifted her head, her eyes full of determination. “So what now?”
“Do you still love me?” The question slipped out, and once the words were spoken, his gut clenched once more in fear of her response.
Her mouth opened and closed several times.
Steeling his spine, he prodded, “Simple question, Viv. Do you still love me?”
She nodded, slowly at first. “Yes. I never stopped loving you.”
“Then why are you on the other side of the room?”
“Wondering about you,” she said, her words barely above a whisper.
“I never stopped loving you either,” he said. He opened his arms wide, and she darted forward, jumping into his embrace. The feel of her body pressed against his and his arms wrapped around her was achingly familiar and unconditionally needed.
As she leaned back, their gazes met just an instant before their lips. The kiss was filled with promises made and the certainty they’d be kept.
Separating, he said, “I have some people downstairs I’d like you to meet… tomorrow.”