Bailey
He puts the car in park and opens my door for me, taking my hand in his.
“You ready?” he says.
“Yeah,” I reply, voice quavering.
I grab the bouquet of daisies and follow him through the cemetery gait.
“I can’t believe it’s been five years,” I say, pressure already building behind my eyes. Five years without my best friend.
We round the corner and find her headstone. I take a seat on the ground, placing the flowers against the grave.
He sits quietly next to me, giving me space and time. Being everything I need in this moment.
“Hey Nat,” I say, and the first tear falls. “I miss you. I still want to call you every time something happens, good or bad.”
He takes my hand in his, giving a gentle squeeze, reminding me I’m not alone.
Lolly is here too. We’re um,” I hesitate. “We’re together,” I huff a laugh. We actually went to Aruba. A beach without sand.” The tears are falling freely now, my voice uneven but I go on. “We got Master Beto a roommate. His name is Sushi,” I say. “I think you would have loved him.”
The tightness in my chest squeezes, painful in its grip. A tingling sensation descends down my left arm and into my fingers. My lips are numb and I can’t get enough air into my lungs. My diaphragm isn’t working.
I place both my hands on the ground trying to center myself.
Hot tears escape, en route to warm the cold Earth, spilling my shame. I try to dig my fingers into the grass, grasping for some semblance of the gravitational pull that has left me completely. I’m free falling and it’s terrifying.
“Nat,” I whimper.
“Hey now, it’s okay,” a soft warm voice speaks so close to my ear the small hairs tremble in its wake, hot breath a caress against my skin.
“I need you to focus on your breathing, baby. Smell the flowers, and blow out the candles,” he says, coaxing the most basic of commands in the kindest way.
“Smell the flowers, green eyes.”
I take a deep breath in through my nose.
“Now, blow out the candles.”
I exhale a shaky breath, blowing free-falling tears with it.
“Good. Now, do it again.”
I obey. Sensation slowly returning to my fingertips, the crushing pressure in my chest easing.
“It’s so dark. It’s so fucking dark here,” I manage to whisper.
“I know, babe. I know. That’s grief,” he adds. “She is a thief of time. Of joy. But, she is also a teacher. If we allow it, she can teach us how to appreciate what we have…how to cherish it.”
“I feel like I’m being buried alive.” The gravity of the words strike me as I speak my truth.
“I understand. I do. I promise. But, what if…” he says quietly.
“What if, you’re not being buried alive.”
I focus on my breathing. On the sound of his voice. That lovely tambor that soothes my soul.
“What if, all of the pain, all the darkness, was what we needed to be inspired.”
He pauses, rubbing my back soothingly. So fucking kind and gentle it’s almost painful.
“It’s you and me now, green eyes. We’re in this together. Your darkness is my darkness too. We’ll sit in it as long as it takes. That way, when the stars arrive, we won’t miss them.”
My shoulders quake as a sob escapes.
This beautiful soul—my everything. He still takes my breath away.
“Sometimes, I think I don’t deserve you.”
I see the challenge in his eyes, the way he wants to tell me I’m wrong, but before his rebuttal can leave his lips I continue. “But I’ll spend every single day making each fucking breath count. For you, for Nat, and for us.”
He gently lifts me from the ground, carrying me, in the same way I’d carry him, through my darkness, and into his light. A love undeserved, but a perfect love, nonetheless.