Chapter 15
15
Nataly
It’s Colour Sunday and I have absolutely loved this entire weekend—thankfully it didn’t end last night. Hanging out with the girls and soaking it all in was really amazing. And now, I’m on my way into church as I sit on the tube.
Tottenham Court Road is just off the end of Oxford Street, and where the Dominion Theatre is. As I walk up the stairs, I’m hit with the sounds of busy London. Buses beeping, loud chatter, bikes hitting their bells. The May air feels just like that scene in Miss Congeniality where they asked Cheryl what her perfect date was and she replied, “April 25th: because it’s not too hot and not too cold and all you need is a light jacket!”
As I walk up to the entrance, I see a queue. And I’m not talking a little queue. A HUGE queue. Oh my word. Who on earth knew people would line up for church way before? Yikes. I know we’ve got some guest speakers from around the world and lots of women still here from the conference. Will I even get into this service? I was clearly not prepared for this. But I don’t know that I really want to be waiting for the next service either. Agh.
And then, I see him. Nathan standing just outside the entrance, completely unaware of the damage he’s doing to my nervous system. The gray blazer. The black high-neck. Straight-leg jeans that do nothing to hide the definition in his legs.
My stomach flips. I groan inwardly. How is a girl not supposed to swoon when this guy definitely works out? His shoes are Oxford style, and the whole ensemble has me fanning myself immediately. There’s something about seeing a guy all dressed up when he normally is casual. And Nathan? He’s normally all casual, but today he’s smart casual. And smart casual Nathan is a sight I sure don’t mind.
Would it be cheeky if I just walked up to him and said hey and maybe try to cut in line? I know, I know, we all strongly dislike cutters. We side-eye them. We huff. Well, at least in England where the British are far too polite to say anything. But all of us will take the chance when we can get it… am I right? If not, then I don’t want to hear it.
I start making my way towards him. Plus, it’ll give me a chance to see if Nathan really is off with me or not after yesterday. I don’t know what happened and why he sort of brushed me off, but I guess I can find out if there’s any awkwardness.
“Hey Nathan!” I say as I approach.
He immediately looks over at me, his dark eyes finding mine. My breath hitches. He grins and it is wonderful .
“Hey Nataly. How’s it going? You should meet some of my friends here,” he replies, gesturing to them. I only know one person, Levi. We have an Unlimited Cineworld WhatsApp group where sometimes some of us get together to go to watch a movie. So, we’ve been in the same group before.
“Hey, what’s up Natalyyyy?” Levi drags out my name. He’s a big ball of fun. Nathan goes around making introductions to the rest—there’s about 5 of them in the group with him, before he turns back to me.
“I actually have to pick up one of the guests really quick around the corner. Would you save me a seat?” He says, getting ready to leave.
So much for figuring out whether he was awkward with me or not. And now, I’m going to have to be with a group of people I don’t really know.
I end up getting a little shy around groups of people. I don’t know what it is really. I’m normally pretty confident, but it’s like being in a group of people who know each other but I’m new reminds me of my old school days.
I look around me as Nathan’s friends are chatting—one ear tuning into the conversation, the other thinking.
I was the new girl all the time. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But being the new girl can definitely make me a bit more shy than usual. I’m generally a person who comes off really strong. So I like to dial the notch down a little until I feel comfortable enough. Otherwise, the things that come out of my mouth sometimes make me dig myself little holes and apparently my mouth doesn’t get the cue that it needs to stop digging .
So, here I am, feeling a little self-conscious while chatting, when my friend Danielle comes up to join me too.
“Oh hey girl! It’s so good to see you!” I say, moving in for a hug.
“Hey! It’s good to be here. Mind if I join you?” She says as she eyes the crowd. See? None of us mind when we’re the ones cutting in. Don’t side-eye me.
“Yes of course! Come on over here. I haven’t seen you in a little while, I want to hear all about your holiday!” I reply, directing my attention to her.
The group is all talking with each other, and Danielle and I are having our own conversation going on. As the queue starts moving, we walk in the through the entrance, and we all end up splitting up except me and Danielle.
“Should we sit downstairs here? I’ve got to save a seat for a friend too,” I tell her .
“Sure, let’s go,” she says as she follows.
We normally have to get really creative with how we save seats at the Dominion. It fills up so quickly and we have so many services a day. Scarves, jackets, maybe even an entire human being lying down and sprawling themselves out. None of it would surprise me. Thankfully I’m just saving the one seat.
The music starts—the sound is so beautiful and big in the theatre, and the one thing I love is seeing all the youth run to the front ready for something almost equivalent to a mosh pit. It’s just fun . Something I would’ve loved to attend growing up, since I didn’t have many friends my age that went to church. Or a church that was this cool. Church was so boring for me growing up. The thought of being a part of something like this and finding out that God wasn’t the stuffy, boring God people paint Him out to be really would’ve surprised me. I love that I get to be a part of it now.
I feel a buzzing in my pocket. I pull my phone out as we’re about to sit down.
Nathan: Hey, where did you get to?
Me: Hey! We’re in the middle left, row T.
Nathan: Ok, I’ll be there in a sec.
30 seconds later, Nathan shows up and squeezes past Danielle and me into the seat next to me. Nathan shifts slightly in his seat, the movement barely noticeable, but I feel the heat of him, the weight of him next to me, the kind of presence that makes you hyperaware of every breath you take. His elbow is on the seat rest closest to me and my brain is already having a hard time catching up to whatever my heart is doing at the sight of him before he says:
“So, why didn’t you tell me you have a boyfriend?” he asks, his tone far from the teasing he normally would direct my way.
He glares at me, looking very casual, but his eyes tell me another story. They’re intense. Like he’s been thinking about this for too long.
My throat tightens. My stomach? Gone. Fully dropped out of my body and is on its way out the door without me. Did he—did he really just say that?
Oh. No. Oh no no no no no NO . This is not happening. This is not a real moment. This is a bad dream, and any second now, I’ll wake up, sweating and grateful that real life isn’t this terrifying. Except… Nathan is still here. And he’s waiting for an answer. I feel like Anxiety has decided it’s time to run a marathon and call everyone in there to run with her too. My pulse is skyrocketing, I’m gripping the arm rest next to me. We weren’t supposed to be having a conversation about this right now.
Granted, I should’ve told him a long time ago. But I didn’t want to ruin our friendship… or the potential for something more in the future. You know, the one I could have if I could just stop being a dang coward. My brain and heart fog were very much in play. Not that any of that is an excuse. It’s just the truth.
But how do I explain this to him? No wonder he was off with me yesterday. I sigh. The service has already started and this is definitely not the time to talk about it. No one likes hearing people talk quietly when everyone else is listening. But apparently, we’re talking about it now. So, I whip my phone out to text him.
Me: Honestly, I haven’t been sure about him this entire time. That’s why I haven’t said anything. If I was sure about him and the future, I would’ve told you.
I decide I’m going to be bold. I’ve been a coward so far, but something about Nathan inspires courage and boldness in me. My fingers start typing, and before I can overthink it, I hit send.
Me: I have to ask. Are you asking this because you like me ?
My hands start to shake and my heart is starting to pound so hard I think everyone can hear it?—
Nathan: Yes
He looks over at me, as he types, and I’m trying to look forward to not look like I’m overly distracted. But inside? Inside everything is going berserk. My grip on the armrest tightens, and my pulse is in my throat. No one has ever been this direct with me before. No games. No reading between the lines. Just—yes.
Nathan: I thought I had made it obvious.
Wow. I have never had a man be so upfront with me before. Normally, they play it cool, they flirt, but they never tell me they like me in such an upfront way. This is so refreshing. I don’t even know where to go from here, my mind is starting to become a mess. It’s like a rubber band ball and I don’t even know how to start picking off the rubber bands.
Me: I’ve been wanting to break up with him, and I haven’t done it yet because I’ve been nervous and making decisions that invite conflict or hurting someone takes me a while. I’ve never been sure about him.
My heart is going so crazy, I feel like soon my entire body is going to be jittery. I’m so on edge with this conversation.
Nathan: I like you, Nataly. But I can’t pursue you if you’re still with him. I can’t be talking to you until things are over between the two of you.
My heart sinks. This was inevitable. Of course something had to be done. I couldn’t just expect to keep brushing everything under the rug, even if I’ve been planning to break up with Joel. Ending things with Joel isn’t just about breaking up. It’s about stepping into the unknown. About admitting that I’ve been stalling. And once I say the words out loud, I can’t unsay them. There’s no safety net. No going back.
I get why people do it over text now. It’s easy. Who wants to take the hard way out? But I never liked it when guys just told me over text. Why couldn’t they just tell it to my face? So I will do the same with Joel.
I don’t want to do this. But I have to. And everything—absolutely everything—is about to change.