Chapter Fifteen #2
I’m reading when Liam comes downstairs in a red button-down shirt and dark jeans.
He looks sexy, but nervous. My heart aches as I run my gaze over him.
He smells great and he looks great. He took effort in getting ready for Kara.
Naturally he wants to look his best when he pops the question to the woman he loves.
“You look nice,” I say, trying not to show I’m dying inside.
“Do I? I feel like a wreck.” He shoves his wallet into his back pocket, his movements jittery.
“Are you guys going anywhere special?”
“No, uh… I’m meeting her at her house.”
“Really?” I frown. “I’d have thought you’d take her to a fancy restaurant.”
He lets out a shaky laugh. “No. Tonight I want to be alone with her. We’ll need privacy.”
“Oh.” What was I thinking? They’ll want to make love after the engagement is official. I feel like puking at the image of them glowing with joy as they fuck like rabbits.
He meets my gaze, a muscle working in his jaw. “Um… you and I need to have a talk too, Jude.”
My heart sinks. Of course he’ll need me to move out sooner than expected.
Once they’re engaged, Kara will want to move in and claim his home as her own.
My new rental isn’t ready yet, but I can probably crash at Ben’s for a few nights if I have to.
It’ll be tricky though. Ben has made no secret he wants to sleep with me, but because I still have feelings for Liam, I haven’t been ready.
Still, Ben cares about me so I’m sure he’ll let me stay with him.
I force a smile. “Sure. You know where to find me.”
He nods, swallowing hard. “I’ll see you later tonight. If you’re still up, maybe we can have that talk.”
“Okay.” I sound more dejected than planned, but I can’t help it. My world is crumbling around me.
He seems to notice and his gaze sharpens. “It’ll be okay, Jude.”
“Of course.” I meet his gaze. “Don’t worry about me, Liam. I’ll be fine.”
His mouth tenses, but he says nothing. He just grabs his keys out of his pocket and leaves the house.
And I head straight for the whiskey.
I need something to dull the anguish I’m feeling.
Tonight, Liam will come home engaged, and I’ll have truly lost him forever.
He’ll be happy, or at least he’ll think he’s happy.
His parents will be thrilled. Everyone will congratulate the joyous couple, and I’ll smile and tell him I’m happy for him too. But I’m not. I can’t be, not really.
“I’m so fucked,” I whimper. I swallow a shot of Irish whiskey, and the liquid burns as it slides down my throat. I wince, but pour myself another and then another.
I danced around whether I accepted the idea of fated mates, as if I had a say in whether it was true or not. But it was always out of my control. The first night we saw each other at The Fox & The Kettle, something clicked into place. My wolf knew way before my human mind caught up.
Liam and I share a mate bond.
Never having a pack, I’d never experienced pack bonds, let alone a mate bond.
At first, I just thought what I felt for Liam was lust or loneliness.
Now I understand what the mate bond means.
It means that Liam and I are meant for each other on a biological and spiritual level.
It’s not a choice. At least, it’s not a choice once you realize what’s happening.
Liam is still oblivious to what’s happening.
But I finally see it clearly. There’s too much evidence to ignore.
The exhilaration of our runs together and the way our wolves move in sync.
The way my body responds to Liam’s scent differently than to anyone else’s.
The way I can sense Liam’s moods, feel his heartbeat, and the way my wolf settles anytime Liam is near.
Unfortunately, Liam has chosen another path.
Another mate. My bond to Liam is now just a wound that will never heal.
I’m tethered emotionally to a man who doesn’t want me.
There’s no relief for me either because the bond doesn’t disintegrate simply because Liam puts a ring on Kara’s finger.
My wolf can’t just move on because the situation is hopeless.
It’ll just wait, loyal and stubborn, aching for someone who’ll never be mine.
My thoughts drift to Ben. Sweet, self-assured Ben who texts me good morning every day and tells me I’m worth waiting for.
Ben who holds my hand in public without flinching.
Ben who wants me openly and without shame.
I care about him. I do. When I’m with him, I feel wanted.
Chosen. Safe. He’s offering me everything I’ve ever craved.
If I’m his, I’ll be invited into the pack.
I’ll have a mate and a pack. I’ll belong in a way I never have before.
But I won’t have Liam.
And as perfect as Ben is, he’s not enough.
I’ve tried to pretend he’s enough. I’ve tried to convince my heart that what Ben offers is better than what Liam could ever give me.
Ben is available. Ben is certain. Ben doesn’t kiss me and then call it a mistake.
Ben doesn’t look at me with hunger one moment and horror the next.
The problem is, if Liam would just wake up, what we’d have together would eclipse anything I could ever have with Ben.
Just that one kiss we shared overshadows the many kisses I’ve had with Ben.
Liam’s scent and taste are carved into my soul.
There’s no erasing him. I wish there were a way, if I’m honest, but there isn’t.
The booze helps dull the pain slightly, so I drink almost the entire bottle. Then I decide I need to shift. My human form is more emotional and that’s the last thing I need right now. My wolf doesn’t care about rings or proposals. Desperate, I stumble to the back of the house, seeking relief.
Cold air rushes at me when I step out onto the back porch. The shock of it steals the breath from my lungs. Snow crunches beneath my boots as I walk into the yard, the night pressing close around me. The mountains smell sharp and clean. Pine sap. Frost. Distant woodsmoke from someone’s chimney.
I strip off my shirt, tossing it onto the porch rail.
My fingers feel clumsy as I unbutton my jeans, the whiskey making my head swim slightly.
I slip out of my pants and underwear, toeing off my boots last. The cold bites instantly at my skin, raising goosebumps along my arms and legs.
For a moment I just stand there in the dark, naked, the wind whispering through the trees.
I close my eyes and give myself over to my wolf.
The shift starts low in my spine, vertebrae popping one by one, a familiar ripple of pressure that spreads through my body.
My muscles tighten, bones grinding softly as they begin to reshape.
Pain lances through my shoulders as they broaden, tendons stretching.
My breath leaves me in a harsh grunt as my ribs compress, my center of gravity dropping.
The world tilts and I brace my hands against the frozen ground as the transformation gathers speed.
My fingers shorten, nails thickening and curving.
The joints pop one after another, a rapid series of cracks that echo faintly in the night.
My skin prickles as hairs spreads, dark and dense.
My fur lifts against the wind, thick enough now that the cold no longer bites.
My jaw aches as it pushes forward, teeth sharpening inside my mouth.
The last of my human thoughts scatter like startled birds when my senses ignite.
The quiet night splits apart into layers.
Wind whispering through needles. A mouse scurrying on a snow-covered branch somewhere high above me. The frantic hammer of my own pulse.
The human grief is still inside me, but muffled now, dulled beneath the steady animal certainty of my wolf. He doesn’t question what we’ve lost. He only knows we were hurt, and that we need to run.
I lunge forward, sprinting across the yard. My body stretches and my lungs fill with cold air so pure it burns. My paws hit the ground in a pounding rhythm. By the time I reach the tree line, I’m flying.
Branches blur past. The snow under the pines is softer, deeper, swallowing sound.
My body knows exactly how to move through it, weaving between trunks, leaping fallen logs hidden under drifts, adjusting to slope and rock without hesitation.
The whiskey is gone from me now, burned off by the shift and the intensity of the run.
The wind rushes over my muzzle. Frost clings to my whiskers. My muscles coil and release, coil and release. A rabbit has passed recently on the trail I’m on, leaving a faint thread of warm musk across the frozen ground.
I crest a ridge and stop, panting. Below me, the valley stretches out, colored pewter in the moonlight.
I don’t want to think of Liam, but thoughts of him still come.
I remember my runs with Liam. The hungry kiss we shared.
I hoped for just a small moment that maybe, maybe he’d be mine.
But he chose a different mate, and my heart feels shredded.
I lift my muzzle and howl.
The sound that rips out of me is raw and aching, breaking across the night and rolling into the mountains.
It comes back to me in fragments, thinner, lonelier.
There’s a pathetic pitch to it. I howl again anyway, needing to vent my frustrations.
Only the hoot of an owl somewhere in the trees answers my pitiful wail.
I drop my head and keep running.