Chapter 30
Where the fuck is Daisy?
I scan the small crowd of guests, searching for that head of pitch black hair and coming up short. I move my way through, excusing myself as I head down the hall, peeking into each room as I go. All of them yield the same result. Missing my girl.
Red’s throwing an early Christmas party for just about every resident of Merrymount. She and Miller rented a big ole party tent for the backyard and those flameless space heaters have kept everything nice and toasty. There’s a s’mores station, hot chocolate bar, and an ice luge for adults.
The party is bumping inside too, people gathering with drinks in hand while more food than any of us could eat covers every bit of counter space.
Basically, anything you could think of to make winter wonderland come to life, Red made happen.
Including asking me to dress up as Santa Claus for the kids earlier.
I’ve put on my jolliest smile, and it really has been fun. Don’t get me wrong.
But Daisy and me? We’re not talking. It’s just like old times.
And I’ve never been so goddamn miserable in my life.
In a week’s time, I’ve typed up and deleted entire novels of texts to Daisy.
I’ve hovered over the call button more times than I can count.
And I check the front windows of my house for her car pulling into the driveway at least four times each night before I finally call it quits and fall into bed.
I miss her.
I know she’s here somewhere. She wouldn’t miss this kind of event. It’s just a matter of finding her.
I stop when I hear voices coming from the bathroom to my right. I halt because I’ve been following those voices for years now. I’d know them anywhere.
The door is cracked open and for some reason, I lean in to listen. I mean to knock, make myself known, but when I go to lightly tap, my knuckles push the door further.
Red’s bungalow is older and the door is loose, so it swings open. My eyes lift, and I go to apologize when every word—every fucking thought—leaves my body when I see Daisy.
Daisy. Holding a pregnancy test in one hand and Red’s hand in the other. Tears in both of their eyes.
My entire world flips upside down. I see so many different flashes.
Daisy with a big, round belly and my hand splayed across it.
Bottles, diapers, rattles, and more. I picture T-ball tournaments and parent-teacher conferences.
I finally see myself in a rocking chair, reading a bedtime story to a faceless toddler, and I shake away the idea that I could ever deserve something so delicate and precious.
“No,” my voice booms. I don’t mean it.
Daisy’s eyes look frightened, and when she breathes “August,” it sounds like a plea.
“I’m not doing this,” I tell her. Why the fuck did I just say that?
“Doing what?” Daisy asks exasperatedly.
“Gus, what the hell?” Red questions.
I drop my gaze and focus on that fucking stick. It feels like it’s taunting me with a future I never tried to picture. Wanted to picture. Thought about picturing.
“You can’t be pregnant. I told you I wasn’t father material. I told you I couldn’t have that kind of life. You heard me say it wasn’t in the cards for me.”
“Now, Gus,” Red starts.
But Daisy stops her.
“No. Wait. I’m sorry, Gus. Are you saying that if I was very accidentally pregnant right now, it would be a product of immaculate conception and there was no man out there who would also be half accountable for it?
Explain it to the class, please. We’re hanging onto every word. ” Her tone drops to a chilling level.
“Daisy, what are you doing? What do you—Oh my God.” Red whips her head in my direction, shock painted across her face. “It’s yours.”
For some reason, instead of being scared like I should be, my brain is on a one-way track to burning every last bit of hope I had in that tiny glimpse of a future I never got to picture for myself, the kind of future I maybe just needed the right person to help me really see.
Maybe I could have wanted it. If I wasn’t busy blowing it to pieces like I am right now.
“I’m saying—” I look Red in the eye, hating myself more than ever imaginable.
Realizing since I’m already going to hell, I might as well break another promise along the way, and let everyone know what Daisy and I have been up to for the past half a year.
I avert my eyes back down on that test, because looking at Daisy directly isn’t an option. I’m a coward. “I’m saying I’m out.”
“Out?” Daisy questions, giving me one last chance to act like a decent human being.
I fail, just as everyone would expect.
“I’m not supposed to be anyone’s dad.”
We’re retreating back to the safety of our toxic back-and-forth. The familiarity is too tempting for the both of us.
I feel the hair on my arms rise when Daisy laughs and says, “Thanks. Glad to know everything you said earlier was bullshit. I mean, I expected it. But the confirmation is nice. Good news, or whatever. We don’t need to discuss this further. I can leave. You can stay.”
That gets me to snap my head up. I watch a single tear fall from Daisy’s eye. She doesn’t bother to swipe it away, her death glare almost knocking me on my fucking ass.
“What did you just say?” I breathe.
“Do you need me to speak more slowly?”
Red steps in between me and Daisy. “No. No, you are not doing this. Whatever”—she gestures at the both of us—“this has turned into clearly still needs a hell of a lot of work. What the fuck is wrong with you two? Gus, it takes two to fucking tango. Daisy, your words are dangerous.”
Daisy chooses to ignore Red.
“All I’m saying, Gus, is it was just sex. I’ll have this taken care of. I can handle it all on my own. Just like I have with everything for my entire life.” She flippantly hands the pregnancy test to Red and steps towards me.
“This was all meaningless anyway. I’d never willingly chain myself to someone like you,” she whispers with every bit of disdain that I deserve.
I know she’s lying, saying that it all was—is—meaningless. But I started this, so I guess I have to finish it off.
“Hard to have anything that means something when you don’t have a heart.” I want to take it back as soon as it’s out of my mouth.
Regardless of the bullshit we’re both spewing right now, I’ve gotten to relearn Daisy Stiles over these past months.
I recognize her tells and cues. I know she’s dying to get the hell out of here.
I’m gonna be the bad guy who lets her because I’m fucking hurt too, and I need to cower away from everything just as bad as she does.
My head feels like it’s filled with wasps.
Daisy straightens her back into prim and proper posture as she juts her chin out and sticks her nose up at me. Her favorite armor.
“Right you are, August. I’ll give you that.” She turns back to Red. “I love you. I’m going to go say goodbye to everyone else, and then take off.”
Red tries to object, but Daisy silences her with a quick hug, and pushes past me until she’s out of sight.
Red doesn’t even bother looking at me while she shakes her head, passing by.
“That was…” she breathes. She keeps her back to me.
“You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. I have spent years jumping in the middle. Sawyer has wasted so much fucking time on trying to get you two to at least act like normal people for even just five goddamn minutes. All he ever wanted was a big family to love. He found that with all of us. And both you and Daisy are hellbent on letting it go up in flames.”
Red finally faces me with tears rimming her eyes, and I have never regretted an argument so fast in my life.
“If she goes, I want you gone, too.”
I have nothing to say. There’s nothing to say. I stand here, still planted in the doorway of the bathroom and watch Red storm out.
I see Sawyer peek through the glass from the back deck, and I don’t give him time to address me. I can’t talk to him right now. I turn abruptly and head towards the staircase. I just need a couple minutes to pull myself together, and then I’ll be out of here.
“Did you know I’m gonna be a big sister?” Penelope asks absentmindedly. She hasn’t looked up from the chapter book she’s been trying to sound the words out in for the last ten minutes that I’ve been seeking refuge in her playroom.
This was the first room I poked my head into upstairs, and when I saw P, it felt like the safest place to be.
I must have misheard her. Or she’s really confused. Because Red’s not—I mean, that doesn’t make sense.
“P, you wanna run that by me again?”
She blows her bangs out of her face, already sick of my shit and needing to repeat herself. I don’t blame her. The girl knows her worth and demands it out of all of us. As she should.
“I said, did you know I’m gonna be a big sister?”
“To who?” I couldn’t be more lost if I tried. My head is pounding. The room kind of feels like it's spinning, and I’m straight up terrified this kid is about to drop a bomb on me. The kind of blow that’s going to have me hating myself more than I thought possible.
“To the baby that my mom is growing in her belly? Duh, Gus. Don’t you know where babies come from? I hope it’s a baby sister. But Mom and Daddy say we just have to hope it’s healthy.”
Uh, I do know where babies come from. And I sure as shit hope seven-year-old Penelope doesn’t. “Your mom…as in Red. She has a baby in her belly?” I already know the answer to my stupid question. I just made an absolute ass out of myself in front of a newly-pregnant Red. Fuck.
“I just said that.” Penelope abandons the book on her lap and throws her hands in the air. “Usually you’re fun. Today you’re not.” And with that, Penelope untangles her legs from the pretzel shape she had them in and heaves herself up.
Before she crosses the doorway, she looks back at me with a disappointed look on her face that tells me the list of women I need to apologize to just gained another name.
“I heard you yelling from up here, you know. I don’t think it’s nice when you talk to Daisy like that. She’s family.”