Chapter 30 #2
“I’m sorry you had to hear that, P.” I don’t know what else to say, but I already know it wasn’t good enough.
“Don’t say sorry to me. Say sorry to Daisy!”
“I’m gonna, kid. I know I messed up. More than I thought actually…” I let my sentence trail off. I got nothing.
Fuck.
Suddenly, Penelope darts back across her playroom and plops herself right in my lap. I have to readjust myself to accommodate her so she’s comfortable. I came up here for space, but for once, I don’t want to be alone. And even if I don’t deserve it, I can’t think of a better person to sit with.
“Hey, P, you think I can ask you something?” I ask once she’s settled.
She ignores my request. “Just so you know, I’m still mad at you. But you also look really sad, and Mom says we shouldn’t leave sad people by themselves.”
“Your mom is one of the smartest people I know.”
“Yeah, I know. What did you wanna ask me?”
“Do you think I could be a good dad?” I can’t believe I’m burdening a seven-year-old with my insecurities, but I’m desperate.
“Hmm.” Penelope pauses to think. Tapping her little pointer finger on her chin. “Do you care about throw-up?”
“Can’t say I’m a fan, but I don’t think I’d have a problem cleaning it up if needed,” I answer, recalling the fact that I haven’t had an issue with helping Daisy through what I now know was morning sickness for the past few weeks.
“Will you read a bedtime story every night? And play dress up? And make the French fries that smile up at you?”
“I don’t see why I couldn’t do any of that.”
“Will you always be ready to squash a kid’s face in if they’re mean to your baby?”
“Damn fucking straight, Penelope. Shit—Sorry,” I say, shaking my head. God, I can’t even hold a simple conversation without letting expletives fly. How could I ever hack raising a baby? I was never cut out for all of this.
“Then you’d be a good dad, Gus. Because my dad and mom would give all the same answers, and they’re the best of the best.” Penelope pats my arm reassuringly.
“Thanks, P. I think you’re the best.”
“Yeah, I know.” She once again hoists herself up to a standing position. “I’m gonna go downstairs now because I’m hungry. You can come if you want, or you can stay here to think some more.”
“I think I’ll hang here for a little bit longer, if that’s okay with you.”
Her little arms wrap around my neck and she squeezes. “Love you, Gussy.”
“Love you, lil P,” I respond, squeezing her back.
When Penelope skips out of the room, I’m left alone with my thoughts.
I couldn’t tell you why getting P’s approval caused a warming sensation to wash over me.
I can’t really grasp why I suddenly feel like maybe I could have one of these little humans of my own.
Someone to tuck into bed and take on vacation.
I could be their shoulder to cry on when things go wrong. But I do.
I could be their safe space.
Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that at the end of the day, the only person I’d want to do all of it alongside is currently downstairs, probably hating me more than ever. And that’s a lot given our past.
I don’t have a single thing to say that would fix it. Sorry won’t cut it. I deserve to sit with every ugly thing I said to Daisy, and she deserves to be free of me, once and for all.
We didn’t even talk. We have…No, she has decisions to make. She has choices. Daisy needs to know who I just was isn’t me. That’s not…I’m not that kind of man. At least, I don’t want to be.
I replay the scene over and over again. I don’t know how much time passes, nor do I care.
If a hole in the earth opened up right now, I probably wouldn’t hesitate to jump in and let it swallow me completely. That’d feel better than this sick, empty sense of dread sitting in my fucking stomach.
Daisy’s pregnant.
Daisy’s pregnant with our child. It’s a future neither of us saw for ourselves, but maybe…the one we were supposed to have all along?
Hurried, heavy footsteps clunk up the staircase, and without knowing for sure, I prepare for the blow of Sawyer swinging the door to the playroom wide open. It hits the wall.
“Shit,” Sawyer curses.
“What the hell?” I ask, rising to my feet.
Sawyer is breathing heavily, collecting himself when he finally raises his head to face me.
“Is it true?”
I avert my eyes down as shame washes over me.
“Don’t do this, Gus. Don’t.”
“Do what? It’s already done. Seems as though you’re already aware of the situation. There isn’t more to say.” I still can’t look my best friend in the eyes. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to again.
While I might be a year older and a hell of a lot bigger, I’ve always looked up to Sawyer. No matter what hand he’s dealt, he makes the best of it. He sees the best in everyone. He always pushes for more, because he knows it’s attainable. Sawyer is the kind of man everyone should aspire to be.
I think I’m the opposite.
“Fuck you,” he says, stepping towards me. Sawyer crowds my space and pushes with two hands into my chest. I let myself fall back into the wall. “There’s a shit-ton more to say. Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I’m a piece of shit,” I murmur. “Just leave it be. I’m gonna be out of your hair.”
“I want to fucking throttle you right now, and the only reason I’m not is because of the people downstairs.”
“I’d deserve it,” I shrug.
“Yeah, you would,” Sawyer agrees. “She’s pregnant, and you just…what? You’re gonna walk away? You really think Daisy deserves that?”
“No,” my voice booms again for the second time this evening.
I suck in a breath, trying to find the words to describe the pain swirling around in my head.
There’s no excuse though, nothing can fix the damage I caused by reacting the way I did.
“She deserves so much better. She always has. But I…Sawyer, I’m not you. ”
“No one, not a day on this earth, has anyone asked you to be me. You have shit to work through. I want to help, but right now I’m pissed. I’m disappointed. I’m—It’s hard to look at you right now, Gus.”
“Heard that. Look, I can’t apologize to you. I need to talk to Daisy.”
“Not happening.” Sawyer widens his stance and crosses his arms over his chest.
“What?” I finally look up and balk.
“She’s already gone. You’ve done enough today. You need to take off.”
“You can’t keep me from her. You’re not my fucking babysitter.”
Sawyer doesn’t back down. He stays standing in front of me with a scowl that shows he has no issues with letting this play out however I choose if it means he’s protecting those he cares about.
Because that’s Sawyer fucking Hale.
“Contrary to whatever you’re thinking right now, I’m doing this for you, too.
Because if you somehow make this worse by trying to force a conversation when you haven’t given yourself time to sort out or process, there’s no coming back from it.
Honestly? Don’t even know if there is now. But I’m trying to give you a chance.”
“What do I do?” I don’t have the right to ask for advice now, but I do it anyway.
“Go home. Figure out if you really want to be another deadbeat dad.”
Sawyer turns and leaves. I wait until his stomps down the stairs settle, and then I make my way down too. I don’t bother looking down the hall for anyone, instead just using the front door as my escape route.