Chapter 32
Ihaven’t seen Daisy since the Christmas party. I actually haven’t seen anyone.
Well, except Beth who tried to drag me out of my house on Christmas Day to join her, Melanie, Sawyer, and Margot for the ham dinner she cooked. I declined through the door, a coward in every way. She left a plate for me though.
The fact that she’s showing me pity by not pounding me in the head for my stupidity is terrifying. I know there’s a storm brewing there that I’m gonna have to face eventually.
I spent the holiday in sweats on the couch, rewatching Forrest Gump and every other movie Daisy has mentioned either intentionally or in passing ever since I’ve met her. Anything to feel like she’s sitting next to me. Anything to forget how badly I fucked everything up.
But I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol. As much as I’ve wanted to hide in the bottom of a bottle, I’ve refrained. I hear Daisy’s voice in the back of my head every time I look towards the small bar cabinet I have in the living room. Bottles of liquor are collecting dust at this point.
I’m a mess.
Rereading the unanswered texts I’ve sent to Daisy does nothing but remind me of the pain, but I do it anyway, because I deserve to feel like this.
Me
Daisy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please come back.
Me
I miss you, I’m sorry.
Me
I’ll do anything.
Those are only a few of the dozens. It probably looks stalkerish. I can’t find anything in me to care about that.
Red sent out a very cryptic text earlier this week. It was short and to the point.
Red
i expect you to be at my house on new year’s eve at promptly eight p.m. wear something nice.
So I’ve found myself back under the same party tent in Red and Miller’s backyard, even more hopeless and desperate to find Daisy. I won’t cause a scene. I won’t make it about myself or dig my pathetic hole any deeper. I just want to see her. I just want to know she’s okay. As okay as she can be.
There are lights twinkling above and a handful of mismatched chairs that I’m pretty sure are from the café facing a small platform. A wooden arch sits on top with purple and pink flowers wrapped around the side posts, all the way down to the ground.
I should have known Red would pull an elopement. I’ll never forget how forced her smile was when she married Dean. She deserves the peace she has now.
“She didn’t want a big wedding like the last time. But she wanted to make sure everyone she loved was here for this one. She said it’s the one that matters.” Miller’s voice startles me from behind.
I turn around and see Miller in a sharp black suit with a light purple bow-tie popping out, no doubt picked out by Penelope. His hair is still classically messy, but he looks damn good. And most of all, proud.
“Miller, man. You look great.”
“You clean up nice, too,” he says, gesturing to the navy suit I found in the back of my closet. I opted for no tie, just a white button up underneath.
“So, you’re getting married?” I don’t know what to say. I know everyone here has the right to be pissed at me, and I’m grateful to even be given the opportunity to still be included.
Miller shrugs, sticking his hands in his pockets with a smile beaming on his face. “Gwen didn’t want to wait any longer, and well…I’ve been ready since I saw her.”
“Where is everyone?” I ask.
“The girls are all upstairs getting ready. I’m not allowed up there. Sawyer’s been hanging with me in the kitchen. You coming?” Miller turns to walk towards the back deck that leads to the slider into their kitchen.
“Uh,” I start. Facing Sawyer after the last time we spoke feels impossible. I’m so fucking ashamed, and I still don’t have anything to say since I still haven’t talked to Daisy. I have to live with my mistakes, and I don’t think he’s gonna let me off easy.
“Hey.” Miller pulls me back from my overthinking. “You fucked up. You gotta own it, but that’s not for today, okay?”
“I’m not here to start anything. I promise.”
Miller gives me another almost pitying smile. “I know, Gus. Red knows it too. No matter how pissed she is at you, she wants you here. We all do, especially Penelope.”
“Thanks,” I lamely offer, following Miller into the house.
Sawyer is leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping a bottle of beer when I enter. Neither of us says anything when he looks my way and places the bottle down beside him.
Miller coughs, clearly uncomfortable and trying as hard as he can to ease the tension.
I don’t want to put pressure on his big day.
“Nice suit,” I greet Sawyer, referring to the navy pants and jacket he has on that match mine.
A humph leaves him. “Thanks, you too.”
I opt for a bottle of water. After cracking it open and taking a sip, I attempt conversation again. “How’s Margot?”
“Pregnant and happy. How’s Daisy? Oh, that’s right. You wouldn’t know.”
“Saywer…” Miller groans.
“No, it’s okay, Miller. I deserve that. You’re right, man. I wouldn’t know. And it’s my fault. But I’m trying here.”
“Are you? Because from my perspective, it looks like all you’re doing is moping around while the rest of us try to clean up your shit.”
Fuck, he’s a lot more pissed than I thought he would be by now.
“I’m doing what I can. I call and text every day. I’m not going to just bombard her.” My argument is weak, but it’s all I got.
“Bombard her where? Calls and texts?” he mocks. “Are you aware Daisy is living in the playroom upstairs? Her parents kicked her out.”
My head whips to Miller, and when he nods his solemn confirmation that Sawyer is telling the truth, my vision blurs. Wild, hot anger creeps in at the mention of Daisy’s parents and what they’ve done. How could they do this?
Which is a rich thought, coming from the guy who told Daisy he was “out” at the sight of a pregnancy test.
“I need to talk to her.” I start moving towards the stairs, but Sawyer’s hand claps me in the chest, pushing me back.
“Not fucking happening,” Saywer says. “What’s done is done. You do need to talk to her, but it’s not today. We’re here for Miller, Red, and Penelope. Got it?”
Footsteps on the staircase make Sawyer remove his hand from me, backing off. Beth rounds the staircase in a peach colored blazer and pants, holding a binder. “Ah! All of my favorite men in one room.”
She enters the kitchen and kisses each of us on the cheek. She lingers on mine to whisper in my ear, “I’m happy you’re here, my boy.”
Beth claps one hand to the binder. “Let’s get this show on the road!”
“Are you officiating?” I ask.
“Psh.” Beth waves a hand my way. “Who else?”
While Red and Miller exchange personal vows that ensure not a single person in this small audience is leaving with a dry eye, my line of vision doesn’t leave her.
Daisy.
Her name repeats in my head over and over like the beat of a drum, calling me to her.
I watch her tears fall, and she makes no move to swipe them away, holding my stare while clutching a tissue in her hand.
We’re sitting on opposite sides of the makeshift aisle. We’re supposed to be facing forward towards the lovely bride and groom in front of us, some of our closest, best friends. But goddamn it, I can’t look away from Daisy. And it appears she can’t look away from me.
She has her hair done up in this pretty bun, and she’s wearing a long black dress that hugs every fucking inch of her perfectly. I can’t stop staring at the dark shade of maroon painted on her lips, the lips I still don’t know the taste of.
I miss her, and she’s only feet away from me.
I don’t hear what comes next in the ceremony. I don’t focus on anything else until the clapping around me brings me back to the platform where Miller and Red just kissed for the first time as husband and wife.
Music crescendos, and Miller picks Penelope up, hoisting her onto his shoulders, while Red wraps her arm around his torso. The three of them practically bounce back down the aisle together, their smiles as wide as can be.
“Okay, everyone!” Beth calls into her tiny microphone under the arch. “Food is buffet style. Chris will have the tunes cranking. Everyone have their glasses for the toast and lips ready for the midnight smooch in a little over an hour’s time!”
I make a beeline for Daisy.
Margot crosses my path, standing in front of Daisy like a scary little protective barrier. “Nuh-uh.”
“Yes-huh, Margot. I love you, I really do. But I need to talk to her.”
“She can approach you when she’s good and ready.” Margot’s index finger jabs into my chest. I’m pretty positive she picked a button to dig into my skin for maximum punishment.
“Margot, it’s okay.” Daisy’s hand wraps around Margot’s bicep from behind, and she steps forward.
All of the air leaves my lungs.
“I’ll give you five minutes,” Daisy says to me while looking at the ground.
“Thank you,” I breathe.
“You’re sure?” Margot asks Daisy.
Daisy kisses Margot’s cheek, a soft smile on her face. “I’m sure-sure. Thank you.”
My hand finds the small of her back, and I quickly pull away when my fingers brush bare skin.
I didn’t realize this slinky black dress could get any more perfect for Daisy until I discover it has an open back.
The swooping of material collects right above the round of her bottom.
We walk silently into the house and find ourselves in the same laundry room that started this whole mess all those months ago.
“I mean it, August. Five minutes, not a second more, and then I’m joining the party and putting this behind me.” Daisy leans against the washing machine, smoothing her dress nervously.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
“You have limited time, and you’re wasting it with small talk?”
“No. I’m not just asking for the sake of it.
I want to know if your nausea has gotten any better, or if you’re sleeping without those night terrors that woke you up in cold sweat.
I’m asking if you’re dizzy or fatigued. I want to know what happened with your parents.
” I try to get the words out as fast as possible.
Daisy doesn’t look up even though I’m desperate to see those baby blues. “You didn’t seem to care much about any of that last week.”
“There will never be enough ways that I can apologize for that. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Daze.” I can’t control the crack in my voice.
“Sorry doesn’t hold its weight when I can’t trust you.”
“You can,” I plead, taking one tentative step towards her. “I swear. I’m standing here telling you that I’m the man for this. I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing. But if I was ever going to figure it out with anyone, it’d be you.”
Time slows and the silence surrounding us practically engulfs me.
Daisy finally looks up. “I’m leaving.”
Remember a second ago when I said time slowed? It lurches to a complete fucking stop.
“What do you mean?”
“I need to figure out what I want. For myself. Not for anyone else.”
“Where are you going? For how long? What about—”
“Gus,” Daisy exhales. “Stop. What we started was dumb. It was a lapse in judgment. Me and you…”
“Daisy, don’t. Don’t chalk what we have up to nothing, please.” This is fucking killing me, and she doesn’t even know it.
“Well, what we have and what we should be are two entirely different things now, aren’t they?” She huffs a laugh that doesn’t feel very funny to me. “I’m having a baby, August.”
Goosebumps creep up all over my body. “I know.”
“I don’t want to argue. I don’t even know if I’m so much mad anymore or just…done? Done with people running with assumptions and past biases of me. Done with this town. At least for right now.”
“What does this mean for us?”
“I don’t have all of the answers right now. Or any of them, for that matter.” Daisy shrugs. “I don’t want to make decisions based on these emotions. It would be irresponsible. I know I want this baby to have a happy and healthy life. Whether that’s with one parent or two.”
“I’m not going to be a deadbeat like my dad,” I assure her.
“Okay.” Daisy doesn’t agree or disagree with my statement. She just lets it sit there.
I’m pretty sure we’ve passed the five-minute allotment she gave me when we entered this room. I’m not making moves to acknowledge that though.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Daisy says.
“While you’re gone…Uh, would it be okay if I checked in on Hunter and Chase? I won’t bother them too much, I promise. But they’re important to you. To me.”
Her walls come crashing down at the mention of her brothers’ names.
“Really?” She shakes her head. “I mean, yes. Of course. I wouldn’t keep you from them. They love you, Gus. And I’m not keeping this baby from you.” My vision blurs when her palm falls to her belly. The belly growing our baby. “I just need…I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You don’t have to.”
“No, I do. You’re standing here owning your mistakes, and I respect it. I need to know if I have a life outside of this town. Something that’s entirely mine.”
“I want that for you.” I do. I mean it. I want her to be happy and get everything she’s ever wanted. I just wish I got to come along for the ride. I wish she wanted me. Here.
“Thanks.” A strand of hair from her bangs falls forward, and Daisy tucks it behind her ear before I can make the move myself.
She lets her small purse slide off her shoulder, and she begins rummaging through the contents of it.
“Do you, umm, want to see the ultrasound? I went to the doctor earlier this week.”
I’m by her side in the next second, and my breath shallows when she pulls out the tiny sheet of thin paper.
“Please,” I beg, reaching out.
I sink to the floor, and maybe it’s showing me mercy, or out of pity, but I don’t care either way because Daisy joins me.
We sit together, side by side, shoulders kissing, staring at the small, grainy black-and-white picture of the baby we made.
Everything’s a fucking mess. Daisy’s taking off to who knows where, and I don’t know when she’ll be back.
I have a lifetime of shit to sort out. But this little thing?
Whoever they are, busy growing vital organs and limbs?
And this small moment of peace? It feels downright fucking perfect.
Time passes, and Daisy lets me listen to the heartbeat from a video on her phone. She explains to me that just over eight weeks have gone by with this little bundle growing and both of them are as healthy as can be.
With heavy eyes fighting sleep, my ears barely register the sounds of everyone counting down to midnight outside.
But when the crowd gets to one, and the clock strikes midnight, I can’t help myself from leaning over and letting my lips graze the top of her head to whisper, “Happy New Year, darling.”
“Happy New Year, August,” she breathes. I watch a single teardrop fall onto the top corner of the paper in our hands.
I must drift off to sleep, and I’m ready to burn the fucking world down when I wake because Daisy’s gone. The ultrasound we held together is left sitting in her place on the floor beside me.