Chapter 33
For the first time in my life, I’m standing outside Red's, nervous to walk in.
I bounce on my heels and move to the side each time another customer is attempting to get through the front door, each time offering a grunted apology for being in the way.
I watch Margot take orders and handle transactions from a stool behind the register while Red flies around her, slinging cups of coffee and pastries over the counter.
Miller’s working on his laptop from his normal booth, heart eyes straying to his new wife every so often.
Some regulars dash in and out, while others are sitting at the barstools along the counter or tables in the middle of the café. Everyone’s smiling or chatting with each other.
And then there’s me. Out here on the sidewalk like a fucking creep.
I gave myself one more day of pitiful solitude and vowed to myself to make it out of the house and into town to face everyone. I have apologies to make and advice to ask for. A shit ton of both, honestly.
The ultrasound Daisy left behind is burning a hole in the back pocket of my jeans.
It hasn’t left my hands much since I got a hold of it.
Feels silly, seeing as there isn’t much to look at.
Just a tiny speck of a blob. But goddamnit, that blob is half me and more importantly, half of the smartest, most beautiful, strongest woman I’ve ever known. And that’s everything to me.
I must zone out longer than I originally intended because next thing I know, the door to Red’s flies open, and I have a mad as hell Red standing before me with her hands balled into fists on her hips.
“You’re lucky I haven’t called the cops on you for loitering.”
“I’d understand if you did,” I mutter. I kick a pebble with my foot.
Red’s face softens. The anger washes away, replaced by an embarrassing amount of pity.
“Shit,” she breathes. “You’re not okay, are you?”
“No. Not really,” I croak.
A gentle hand lands on my arm, and I focus on the gold band with three diamonds on top.
The one in the middle is bigger than the ones on either side, but none of them are over the top or clunky.
It looks like a ring that was picked out with a lot of care and thought. That’s no surprise knowing Miller.
“Congrats on the wedding, by the way.”
Red squeezes my bicep. “Thanks. I think I got it right this time.”
“You did,” I assure her.
“Congrats on the baby, too,” I add.
Red’s hand flies to her stomach. “The same could be said to you.”
I don’t have an answer for that.
“Come upstairs. I’m sure Mel would love to chat,” Red encourages me.
I follow Red through the café to the door that leads to the small apartment upstairs that Melanie currently occupies. I offer Margot and Miller a small wave as I pass by. Miller smiles back while Margot scowls. It’s probably going to take me a while to win her back.
When we knock, Melanie opens the door in a fraction of a second, as if she was waiting there the whole time. I’m immediately hit with the smell of…
“Are you making a blueberry pie?”
“Blueberry crisp, actually,” she corrects with a smile. “It’s Margot’s request of the week.” Melanie opens her arms for a hug, and I practically fall into her small frame.
She squeezes me tight, and next thing I know, I’m bawling like a fucking baby, shaking both of our bodies as wave after wave of emotion crashes through me.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I sniffle.
Melanie doesn’t let me go but guides us to the small green velvet couch. When we both sit, she rubs my back, and Red wordlessly hands me a tissue.
This is embarrassing as fuck.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat.
“For what? Having feelings? I promise you’re in for one heck of a ride with those now that you’re going to be a father,” Melanie says.
Red crashes back into the small chair beside the couch. “I mean, hey. At least we know you have emotions now.”
I finally lift my head. “Respectfully, Red, you have no idea how I’m feeling.”
Any drop of sympathy Red might have had before dissolves.
“Disrespectfully, August,” Red leans forward. “That’s not my doing. You blew up your situation with Daisy. You decided to sequester yourself after the fact. Honestly, I’m just glad you’re torn up about this. You should be gutted over what you did.”
“I am!” I don’t mean to raise my voice, but it happens anyway.
“Okay, okay. Tensions are high,” Melanie interjects to try to diffuse the situation. “Gus, how about you start by telling us how you’re really feeling? While Red might have worded it differently than I would have, she has a point. You haven’t given any of us the chance to help you.”
“I don’t deserve your help. I—I never deserved anyone’s help. This goes way back too. When Sawyer and Beth took me in, I accepted it. Even though I shouldn’t have.”
It’s a truth I’ve known from the beginning. I was a selfish teenager who never thought I’d get out of the house of horrors I grew up in. So when Sawyer wouldn’t take no for an answer, I decided to take the opportunity.
The only thing I was ever taught was how to throw and dodge a punch. This big, makeshift family was never supposed to be mine. I’ve always been the interloper.
“Wait, what?” Red asks. “What’re you talking about?”
“Look at me, Red. I’m the big fucking idiot who isn’t afraid to throw my weight around. I’m a fun time at parties. I’m good for nothing else.”
“You’re throwing a pity party right now, and frankly, it’s fucking embarrassing,” Red throws back.
“Hey now,” Mel interrupts us again. “August, my goodness. Do you really believe all of that?”
My non-answer is apparently answer enough.
“Have you talked to anyone about this?” Mel asks gently.
I shake my head in shame but don’t respond.
“Would you consider it?”
“What, like a shrink? Nah.” I wave. “I’m good. I don’t have shit to work through. I know where I came from and who I am. I just need to fix shit with Daisy.”
I’m more than sure therapy helps people. I saw the work Daisy put in when we were younger. I’m just not one of those people.
“I believe those things go hand in hand, Gus,” Melanie whispers. “I know…” She hesitates. “I know I don’t know everything about your past, where you grew up. And I wasn’t there for your initial reaction to the news of Daisy’s pregnancy…”
“Consider yourself lucky,” Red spits.
“Gwendolyn, either you’re here to help your good friend, or you can see yourself back downstairs to the café. I understand this is a high stake time for everyone involved, but clearly Gus already feels remorse. The jabs are unnecessary.”
Red gives a humph and sits back in her chair.
“I don’t think negatively about therapy,” I address Mel, leaving Red be.
“But everyone has had bad shit happen to them. My shit may look worse to others, but it just is what it is to me. So what, my dad took off? So what, my stepdad saw me as just a body to beat on to get his frustrations out, and my mom never gave a fuck? As long as her glass was full,” I end with a sick laugh.
“What’s a therapist going to tell me that I don’t already know?
” I continue. “That I have to be careful not to continue the cycle? That it’ll be almost impossible, and I’ll be defying all of the odds if I manage to not burn everything up in my life?
I know my chances. I already blew them. I’m good.
What’s that saying? ‘I’ve seen what I needed to see. ’”
“You’re not them,” Melanie assures me sternly with a low voice.
“I told her I was out!” I shout. I stand and pull at my hair with frustration. After taking a deep breath, I keep going. “Daisy stood there, stronger than I’ll ever fucking be, and I let her down. I let that baby down. I failed from the start.”
“You can come back from this, August. You were scared, you’re still scared. But it doesn’t have to mean anything more than that.” Melanie stands by my side, and fucking Christ, why do I feel like I’m gonna cry again?
“I’ll never be good enough.”
“You could try,” Red offers with sincerity in her voice.
“You could decide literally right this very second to just try to be the man someone like Daisy deserves. And a good starting point might be sifting through your demons with a professional. I wouldn’t be the friend, wife, and mother I get to be today if it wasn’t for my therapist, Lisa. ”
I hold back a scoff. “You see a therapist?”
Red crosses her arms. “Weekly.”
Huh. I never would’ve guessed. Red’s always been strong on her own. She’s sure of herself and confident and the kind of person who always manages to get the job done, no matter the obstacle. I thought it all came naturally to her.
“I didn’t let people see the broken parts of me for a long time, Gus,” Red admits.
“I hid behind my work in the café, and that was with my appointments. I had to want to change. I think you want that, too. You just might not know how. You’re not a bad guy.
Hell, you’re one of my favorite guys. If we all really thought you were a lost cause, we’d forget about you like the rest of them.
But you have to tell us what you want out of this. ”
“I want Daisy to be happy.”
“Anything else?” Melanie questions.
I take another deep breath and think on it, and neither Melanie or Red attempt to fill the silence of my thoughts. I sink back into the couch.
“I want…I think I want to be happy, too. I want to be the kind of man Daisy deserves. I want to be the father I never had. I want us to be the parents who do it right. Maybe not always. I’m sure I’ll fuck up again at some point.
But I never want to walk away, or watch Daisy walk away.
I let her go, honestly, in hopes that she’ll come back.
I want to love her and receive that love back.
But if she decides she can’t…Well then, I want to be the kind of man who accepts that, and do everything I can to support her. ”
Even though the thought of losing Daisy and this unborn child I haven’t gotten to know yet makes me feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and shredded to pieces, I mean every word.
I’d do anything to right my wrongs if it meant Daisy and our baby would be okay.
If that means sitting in some stuffy office facing bullshit from the past I thought I got over, I’ll fucking do it.
Red covers her mouth with her hand.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you string so many words together.
No offense,” she adds, shooting a quick glance at Melanie in apology, who is side-eyeing Red big time.
“But listen, Lisa works in a practice doing virtual appointments. The doctors are flexible with your schedule. You can pop inside and have a session in between jobs at the riverside. I can give you a referral.”
“I’ll take it, thanks.” I nod along.
“And August, you don’t have to do any of this alone. The brooding can only go on for so long,” Melanie advises.
“I know. That’s what dragged me here today. I had enough with the isolation.”
“An excellent first step,” Melanie praises.
Four quick, aggressive knocks on the door startle all three of us.
“Hello?” Melanie calls, getting up.
“Who the hell would even bother to knock?” Red questions, leaning forward.
I move past both of them to get to the door first. When I swing it open, I’m confused because I don’t see anyone, or anything.
But then I look down, and I see Chase panting heavily, papers crumbled in his right fist.
“Hunter…knows…” Chase’s hoarse voice cracks as he stares with wide, nervous eyes lifting the paperwork into my view.
I barely have time to register the fact that Chase just fucking spoke when I see I’m face to face with court paperwork dated over eighteen years ago. Horror washes over me. This is Daisy’s past, and even though I trust everyone in this room explicitly, it’s not my story to tell.
“Is everything okay?” Melanie asks.
“We need a minute,” I call back, stepping into the landing and shutting the door behind me.
“Where did you get this?” I ask him.
I watch Chase take a giant gulp of air. I practically see every muscle in his body and gear in his brain working to find words so long tucked away. A wave of astonishment and pride washes over me, leaving goosebumps everywhere in its wake.
“M-mom and Dad started throwing out her things. Her diary…She must have accidentally left it behind. These fell out. Hunter found them.”
It’s hard to catch a breath reeling from how proud I am of this kid and battling how fucking awful this situation is for everyone involved. How much worse it can get.
“Chase,” I sigh after a chill snakes down my spine. “Did you know?”
A small, single nod confirms everything. It’s a punch to the gut that makes me instantly nauseous.
“How long?”
“Right before our t-tenth birthday. I snooped when I shouldn’t have. I’m s-sorry,” Chase’s voice cracks again, and I’m pretty sure my heart does the same. It’s not hard to connect his sudden onset of muteness to his discovery.
“Hey.” I rest my hand on his shoulder. “Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re doing amazing, Chase. I’m so proud of you. Daisy would be so fucking proud.” There’s time to sort out what this means, and where we go from here, but right now, I think we have more pressing matters.
“Hunter’s gonna do something bad. I saw your truck out front. You’re the only…Gus, you gotta h-help me.”