Chapter 14
14
We passed by the edge of Central Park then, and I looked at the buildings towering above green trees. ‘I’ve seen this city so much in films or read about it books; I’ve always wanted to be here. It feels somehow so familiar. Like I already know it,’ I said as we walked side by side.
‘I get that. I loved watching Home Alone 2 growing up, and I did feel like a kid again when I saw all the locations they use,’ Jake admitted.
‘Woah,’ I said, holding up a hand. ‘Not only was Jake Richards a kid who enjoyed movies but you got excited as a grown-up seeing locations from your favourite scenes. I may need a moment to recover from the shock of this confession.’
Jake rolled his eyes but he did grin at me. ‘Ha ha ha,’ he replied sarcastically, making me laugh.
We carried on walking until Jake pointed ahead. ‘Here we are.’ He gestured to the New York Public Library so I followed him up the steps of the grand building and through the door framed by white pillars. Inside, there was an immediate hush and coolness accompanied by a feeling we were somewhere important.
Jake was surprisingly a great tour guide, showing me his favourite exhibits and not rushing me as we looked at everything, but when we walked into the Rose Main Reading Room, we both lapsed into silence. I looked up at the ceiling I had always wanted to see in awe. The sky murals surrounded by ornate gilding were beautiful. Books lined the walls and in the middle were reading benches. Chandeliers hung above them. It was stunning.
‘Imagine being able to just come here and read all day,’ I whispered to Jake, my eyes still above us.
‘Is it as beautiful as you hoped?’
‘It’s incredible,’ I replied, looking away to find him watching me. I smiled. ‘I’m so happy I got to see it.’
‘I’m happy I got to show it to you.’
‘A book lover’s dream, right?’
Jake smiled back. ‘It really is. When I first came here, I wondered if anyone had sat here reading one of my books. I hoped so.’
‘I bet they have.’ I pulled out my phone to snap a few photos. I knew they were unlikely to do this stunning room justice but it would be nice to be able to look back and remember standing right here.
‘I’ve been thinking about the reader session later, and what you said last night,’ Jake said then.
‘Was I terrible?’ I asked nervously.
‘You’re never terrible, Freya. More honest than most of the people I know maybe. But that’s a good thing.’
‘Wow, is that a compliment?’ I blurted out.
‘I am capable of making them, sometimes.’ Jake looked at me seriously. Once again, I couldn’t take my eyes off his. ‘What you said, it got to me. I have always believed in romance. When I started to write, it just was natural for me to write love stories. I loved it.’
‘What changed then?’ I asked, relieved to hear that it hadn’t all been a lie. That he had believed in love. That his books weren’t a cynical marketing ploy, but he was compelled to write them. God, the thought of a man loving love so much that he decided to write romance books… it was pretty hot.
I really needed to stop thinking impure thoughts!
‘I found out something that made me wonder if it was all just… bullshit.’
‘Oh?’ I wondered what could change your opinion about love so dramatically. ‘A bad date?’ I asked flippantly, thinking about my own romance crisis.
‘I wish,’ he said, bitterness tingeing the words. He shook his head. ‘No, it was something that I didn’t want to share with… anyone. And so when I was at that event with Davis, and he sensed I was in a bad mood, he started to wind me up, digging, pushing my buttons, getting me to tell him what was going on. Well, you’ve seen what he’s like.’
‘Yes,’ I said with a sigh. ‘So, you told him a different story to the truth?’ I asked him.
‘Exactly. I threw him off, pretending the issue was work. And not anything personal. I said that I hated writing my books, that I thought my readers were pathetic. Like you said last night, Davis always riles me up no matter how hard I try to ignore him. I used to be able to shrug off what he said to me, but that night, I let him get to me. Because I felt pathetic for believing in love and happy ever afters, for writing love stories and perpetuating the myth to the world. I felt cynical and angry and… hurt. And I took it out on my readers.’
‘That was honest,’ I said when Jake finished his long explanation. He had actually opened up to me. It felt good that he trusted me to do that. But he was still keeping a lot to himself. ‘But was that really preferable to telling him the actual truth?’ I dared to ask, wishing Jake would be completely honest with me. And the world too. Right now though, I just wanted to hear the truth myself.
‘I thought so at the time. And maybe I still do.’ Jake checked the time on his phone. ‘Fancy some fresh air? We could take the long way back to the hotel before the reader session. And I could use another coffee.’
‘Sure,’ I said, my mind whirring from what he had told me.
We left the library and emerged back into sunshine. We started walking, stopping off at a coffee shop to pick up a takeaway coffee each. I drank in the sights and sounds of the city, feeling it humming through my body, enjoying being here. Jake was quiet on the way back and our earlier conversation looped in my head like a song you can’t stop listening to.
As we walked down Fifth Avenue, I checked my phone. Eva had shared the podcast episode featuring her interview with Jake. I told Jake who sighed but didn’t say anything. Looking online, I could see people noting how he didn’t seem to care about his books or readers anymore. It was hard to read so I put my phone away. I had to ask Jake the question that was burning inside of me. ‘Is it really that bad? What happened that made you feel like romance is bullshit?’ I asked.
Jake let out a sigh. He took a while to respond, and I wondered if he wasn’t going to, but then he sipped his coffee and started to speak. ‘It’s private. But it’s also almost… humiliating. Because I write romance. And the reason why I was inspired to start writing it in the first place.’ He reached out and touched my arm. Like his few touches since we left London, I felt it everywhere. I hastily sucked in a steadying breath. He let go and I felt a twinge of disappointment. ‘I have never been good at sharing myself. That’s why I like writing novels. I can hide behind my characters and their stories, and keep my own story to myself. And the people I’m close to.’
I nodded. ‘I can see that.’ His cool, reserved personality made more sense to me now. He had been keeping part of himself hidden at work. Knowing that made him far less intimidating. Like when you pull back the curtain and see the wizard. ‘Sometimes though, you need to let people in, and allow them to see the real you. If you ever were going to do it, now is the time. If you want to keep writing romance. But I suppose if you’ve stopped believing in it then maybe you don’t.’
‘Do you think I should keep writing it?’ Jake asked.
‘Of course I do! Your books make me happy, and I’m far from the only one. There is so much darkness in the world, we need all the light we can get. If I had a bad day, curling up with one of your stories instantly made it better. Made me feel better. And after what you overheard me saying to Liv, you know that I’m not sure if I’ll ever find love like it exists in romance stories but they make me want to, they give me hope that it is out there, and it makes me not want to settle for anything that’s less than that.’
‘You should never settle,’ Jake said fiercely.
We looked at one another. I was surprised, he looked serious.
‘I still want to hope that it does exist. And help others hope it does too, but I don’t know if I can,’ he added.
The conference hotel appeared in our eyeline then. It was almost time for Jake to face his readers. I had no idea how this was going to go.
‘Everyone knows you did say those things about romance,’ I reminded him. ‘So, if you want to save your career, you need to acknowledge it, to say something to help readers believe that you don’t look down on them for enjoying your books.’
‘I do want to save it.’
‘Just for the money?’ I asked, really hoping that wasn’t the case.
‘No. For the reasons you said you enjoyed reading them. I like making people happy, I like giving them hope, I like that reading my books might make them feel better about life and love, that they can escape it all in one of my stories…’ He trailed off as we reached the door of the hotel.
I smiled. ‘I like that you like that. You’ve been more honest with me today then you ever have; why not continue with that?’ I asked as we walked inside the hotel together.
Jake didn’t answer and I had no idea if I had convinced him.