Chapter 19
19
The walk back to the Waldorf Astoria was a quiet one. The sun continued to set as we finished our drinks on the rooftop in stunned silence. I had no idea what to say in response to Jake’s admission, and he seemed to regret his words, turning away and not saying anything else either. We then headed back towards our hotel as night time rolled over New York, the city lighting up around us.
My heart was beating faster and harder inside my chest as my mind replayed his words in time with our brisk steps. It was like we suddenly both just wanted to be in our hotel rooms alone to think about the day, so I hurried to keep up with his long strides, and wondered how awkward things would be between us now. His words made me nervous because of how pumped up I felt after hearing them, like I’d just drunk an energy drink or something. To know he had felt the same spark that I had was both a relief and a terrifying thought. Jake had always seemed completely out of my reach but suddenly, he was saying that he wasn’t.
I couldn’t make sense of it. I had no idea if I could trust it. Or him.
We walked into our hotel and to the lifts, waiting in silence and getting in one. The journey up to the floor where our rooms were seemed excruciatingly slow. I had no idea what to say to break the tension, and Jake seemed at just as much of a loss as me.
Finally, the lifts reached our floor and we stepped out and walked to our neighbouring hotel rooms.
‘Jake…’
‘Freya…’
We said each other’s name in unison as we approached the doors. Then we both smiled, the tension easing a little bit between us.
‘I shouldn’t have said what I said,’ Jake said, running a hand through his hair as we hovered outside our rooms in the empty, quiet hotel corridor.
‘You took me by surprise,’ I admitted. ‘But I kind of liked knowing you’d been thinking about me.’
‘It’s hard not to,’ he said gruffly. ‘I shouldn’t, though.’
‘Why not?’ I asked boldly.
‘There is a long list of reasons…’ Jake shook his head. ‘I’m trying to remember them but you’re giving me the kind of look that’s making it very difficult.’
I let out a breath. ‘What kind of look?’ I wondered if my attraction to him was showing on my face. By the darkening of his eyes, it definitely was. But seeing his made me feel less worried about him seeing mine.
Jake moved towards me. I moved so my back touched my hotel room door. He stopped instantly. ‘No closer?’ he asked, watching me carefully.
‘No, it’s just, I felt like I needed to lean…’ I was feeling distinctly unsteady.
‘Okay.’ He moved closer. ‘Me too.’ He propped an arm up against my hotel door so he was slightly leaning towards me but he didn’t touch me. There were inches of air between us even though suddenly, it felt like there was no air in this whole hotel. My eyes locked onto his. ‘Have you ever thought about me?’ he asked then, so quietly, I had to strain to hear the question. It was as though he didn’t want to admit he was asking me it.
I nodded slowly, keeping my eyes on his. ‘Yeah, I have,’ I admitted, keeping my voice as soft as his.
Jake exhaled audibly. ‘I like knowing that,’ he said, repeating what I had told him.
‘But I don’t know if I can trust this… feeling,’ I confessed. ‘You asked me to have faith in you but it’s hard.’
Jake sighed. ‘I know, I’m sorry. But now you’re getting to know me, do you believe that there is a good reason behind all of this?’ he asked, gesturing into the air.
‘Why you said those things, you mean?’ I checked.
He nodded.
It was hard – I had read his books for years and the way he wrote about love made me think he did believe in it, that he had enjoyed writing love stories, and maybe he might be a true romantic in his heart. But I knew I was led by my heart and sometimes, I should let my head take over. Jake was keeping something from me, something he didn’t want to share with me yet, so letting him in and sharing myself with him made me feel uneasy. But I fancied him a lot. I couldn’t deny that.
‘I want to believe it,’ I said breathily.
‘I want you to. I know there is a list of reasons why we should keep things professional but there is a spark here, though, isn’t there?’ Jake asked me, hope evident in his voice.
‘There does seem to be,’ I said softly back, unable to tear my eyes off him.
‘Hmm,’ he murmured. He reached out and gently touched a strand of my hair. ‘I can’t believe you’d even look twice at me, though.’
My eyebrows shot up. ‘I feel that way about you,’ I admitted before I could stop myself. This seemed so surreal. Jake Richards. Bestselling author. Telling me there was a spark between us and he couldn’t believe I might want him.
‘Are you serious?’ he asked me.
‘Are you?’
His fingertips moved to touch my cheek. I felt my pulse speed up instantly. I was sure he would be able to see my chest starting to rise and fall rapidly. He was so close but was still keeping the space between us. I wondered if he was considering kissing me. Then I realised a man had never considered it before. Never taken the time to do so. I replayed previous kisses in my life. Drunken ones, awkward ones, all hurried and sudden… This was so far removed from any of them.
Jake trailed his fingertips down to my chin then to my neck, cupping me there under my ear. ‘I would love to kiss you,’ he said, his eyes moving from mine to my lips. Then he moved them straight back again. ‘But I want you to know I would understand if you said you didn’t want me to. I’d like you to decide, Freya. Tell me yes… or no. Okay?’
A man had never asked me if I wanted to kiss him before. It shouldn’t have felt like a big decision but somehow, it did. I could look back and wonder ‘what if’ and regret not diving in, or I could dive right in and then regret that. Was it better to regret what you did or didn’t do in life?
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I want to kiss you.’
Better to regret what I had done, I knew that. My heart was thumping in my chest, my pulse pounding in my wrist and behind my ear, and Jake’s hand was on my neck, making me lean heavily on the door in case my knees gave out. He smiled at my answer, and closed the space between us.
Even though I had said yes, my body still startled when his lips found mine. It had been a long time since I’d been kissed. And this was Jake Richards!
But a second later, I was kissing him back. His mouth was firm and confident on mine. His stubble brushed against my chin slightly roughly but I didn’t mind it. The kiss deepened and his tongue found mine, and his hand on me tightened ever so slightly. I couldn’t stop a moan from escaping my mouth into his as I arched towards him, wanting to be even nearer. He took the hint immediately. His arm came down from the door to hold me around my waist, drawing me into his chest as our kiss turned even more passionate. I lifted my hands from the door and wrapped my arms around his neck, standing on tiptoe to reach him, our mouths never parting as we moved closer.
Jake made a contented noise and then finally tore his lips from mine. I took in a breath. I felt dizzy. My eyes opened to watch as he leaned down to kiss the corner of my mouth then press small kisses on my chin, along my jaw, then down the side of my neck. I gasped. He moved to the other side, letting go of his hold there as he kissed me where his hand had been. His kisses were soft but accompanied by the roughness of his facial hair. His arm around my waist held me firmly. Everything about the way he was handling me felt just right. When he lifted his head back up, our eyes met. He touched my lips, which were tingling. ‘When you anticipate a kiss for a while, your expectations can be too high. But that exceeded all of mine.’
Fuck . I quickly pressed myself back against the door because that kiss followed by such a romantic sentiment threatened to send my trembling knees over the edge. And I really didn’t want to fall over in front of him again.
‘You’ve anticipated kissing me?’ I asked when I was able to form a coherent thought again.
Jake grinned. ‘Ever since I found you sprawled on the floor at Heathrow airport with a penis pencil in your handbag.’
I burst out laughing. ‘You did not want to kiss me then!’
‘I have never met a girl like you, Freya. Seriously, I have never wanted to laugh so hard but also help someone so badly as I did in that moment. Since then, you’ve occupied my thoughts quite a bit. And God, when I saw Mulberry flirting with you, I realised how badly I wanted you for myself. Even though I knew I shouldn’t want you…’
I looked at him. ‘Are you sure it wasn’t because you heard me say I haven’t had sex for three years so you thought I’d be easy?’ I asked archly.
We stared at one another.
Then Jake started laughing. ‘This is what I mean. You’re not like anyone else. Jesus, Freya.’
I smiled. ‘Well, just so you know, even though that was an epic kiss, I’m not easy.’ I stepped away from the door and pulled out my key card to open it up.
‘I meant what I said about treating you better than you’ve ever been treated if you were mine…’ Jake’s voice turned even rougher when he said the word ‘mine’.
Suddenly, I wanted to be his. And I’ve never wanted to be anyone’s before. But I knew I needed to be careful. I knew I had to tear myself away otherwise I never would. ‘I should go to bed.’
Jake smiled. ‘You should. Goodnight, Freya.’ He leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the mouth. ‘I’ll try to sleep but I know I’ll be thinking about that kiss.’
‘Me too,’ I admitted. I giggled, then rolled my eyes. ‘Goodnight,’ I said firmly to both him and myself then I walked into my room and closed the door behind me. I ran to the bed and dived on it, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling.
I giggled in the darkness, reaching up with my finger to touch my lips. I could feel Jake’s on mine still. The roughness of his facial hair. The way he’d held me with delicious pressure. The way I had longed to be even closer to him. My body had wanted more. So much more. And it had been a long time since I’d felt that way. That craving, that ache, that need for someone. It was almost unbelievable I was feeling it for Jake.
But if I was honest with myself, I had fantasied about Jake long before we’d even met. Reading his books had made me wonder about the man who could write such romantic stories. And that man himself had not only kissed me but told me the kiss had exceeded all his expectations, and then told me that if I was his, he’d treat me better than I’d ever been treated.
Did I want to be his?
Was that even possible?
Had he meant all of that?
Or had we been swept up after our New York date?
I had no idea what the morning would bring but I knew that I would be thinking about his kiss most of the night. Jake’s kiss was unlike anything I’d had before. That made me think his kisses could quite easily become addictive. But I couldn’t lose my head. He had been right when he said there were a ton of reasons why we shouldn’t think about kissing again, let alone anything more. This was a work trip. Jake had always intimidated me. We were leagues apart. There was a big age gap…
…and he was keeping something from me.
But my body and my heart didn’t care here, in this moment.
They wanted Jake to call me ‘mine’.
I was definitely in trouble.