Chapter 36
Humble Pie
Elizabeth should have at least pretended to be startled by the abrupt question about Mr Darcy, but as it was at least the third time it had been asked in nearly identical language, she had grown accustomed to it.
That he had journeyed to Cheapside to apologise to Jane proved definitively that Elizabeth had changed something about him; there was little point disputing the charge.
Her new friend plainly grasped the magnitude of the impropriety and awkwardness of the question and grew nervous.
Elizabeth would not have Miss Darcy suffer for her brief bout of courage, so she intervened. “I shall be happy to discuss it; be easy; I am neither concerned nor offended; you are not the first to ask.”
With only a moment before the colonel appeared, she leaned very close and whispered, “I will not necessarily own to being responsible for any change, but can you tell me whether said change is good or bad?”
Georgiana glanced about and whispered, “Oh, good! Good! Good beyond doubt, but… confusing.”
“We shall have a proper discussion on the morrow,” Elizabeth replied, with a wink.
The young lady smiled as the colonel appeared. “I hope I do not interrupt, if you have secret affairs to discuss.”
“It is interesting that you phrase your question that particular way,” Elizabeth said with a laugh.
“I am trying to settle a theory about how young men are raised. At present, I believe either the Fitzwilliam and Darcy boys share a common dictionary, perhaps it is taught at Cambridge, or you were all raised by wolves. That exact phrase was used by your cousin last autumn in Hertfordshire. What say you, Colonel? How does one account for it?”
The colonel laughed uproariously, while Georgiana remained perplexed.
“Darcy tells me you favour simple explanations for simple phenomena, no?”
“It is called Occam’s Razor.”
“The raised by wolves theory can explain nearly very action you have ever seen from us—or indeed, our entire sex—so who am I to argue? The leader of the pack taught us all the right words.”
He bowed so deeply he might well have fallen over, provoking laughter from her young friend, who had probably never been exposed to true silliness.
The colonel straightened with a broad grin. “Georgie, might I have a quick word with Miss Elizabeth before the curtain?”
“I shall speak with the Gardiners. They will probably make more sense anyway.”
With a quick curtsey, she did as suggested, and Elizabeth left off worrying about her to focus on the colonel. She could imagine a hundred things he might say—ninety of which she could do without—but she was curious.
“I wish to ask your advice on a certain matter.”
“I am at your disposal.”
He looked chagrined. “I imagine you and Darcy must have had quite the conversation on our last day. I believe you learnt of my Mirror and Statue theory.”
Embarrassment started to creep over Elizabeth, but there was no need to be missish, so she laughed. “Not only did he share that theory with me, but he told Anne, and I told Lady Catherine. I should not be surprised to find it published in the paper or studied at Oxford. It is not exactly secret.”
“I hope you were not offended.”
“Being offended serves little purpose. I seem to be dragged into every awkward conversation in three counties. Thus far, I have been mostly successful, so I imagine I should not complain. I found the mirror analogy useful with Anne, and so I ought to applaud you.”
“I thank you, and if I offended you in any way, might I apologise?”
Elizabeth studied the man carefully and paused to make him sweat enough to build a little character. “All offences against me are forgiven. Consider yourself absolved.”
The colonel had a crooked little smile that would have him leg-shackled within a fortnight if he ever showed it to Lydia while he was in uniform. “We call that dodging a bullet in the army.”
“To be honest, you were never as far in my brown books as you seem to believe. Perhaps you dodged a bullet, but it was thrown by hand from a 10-year-old boy.”
“You could put an eye out with one of those.”
She laughed with him and glanced at Georgiana, who stared in apparent wonder.
Did the two gentlemen ever let their charge see how men and women behaved?
Perhaps the young lady was too carefully guarded.
She would not be the first; Elizabeth resolved to ask the heiress about it, if she had the chance.
“On one more issue, I would ask your advice. As you know, I slighted your sister in Hunsford. Should I offer her an apology?”
“Apologies seem rampant among you men. Mr Darcy already offered one that was heartfelt and well done—though, to be fair, he owed her one. I recommend you leave well enough alone. I never told Jane what happened and have no intention of doing so. An apology is superfluous.”
The colonel looked unsure of himself. Elizabeth, growing impatient, raised her voice in exasperation.
“Jane, the colonel feels obliged to apologise for inadvertently spreading, in the entire course of his life, about the same amount of gossip as Mama spreads on a typical Tuesday. What do you recommend?”
“Why are you asking me?”
“It is just the colonel and me here. We need advice from someone sensible… and you may have been the subject.”
Jane laughed. “Oh, that! We are all done with that. Consider yourself absolved, sir. If you feel some compulsion to make amends, you might quietly tell me some stories about my intended I can hold over him once I have him in my power.”
Elizabeth rejoiced when Miss Darcy joined their laughter, as did the Gardiners.
The bell rang for the curtain. “Perhaps I should offer you an apology, Colonel,” Elizabeth said, “and pray, let us not waste time denying it is your due.”
“The very thought never crossed my mind. I cannot for the life of me work out what you might apologise for, but I will take you at your word.”
“When we first met, you reminded me of another so-called gentleman whose name is no longer spoken. I imbued you with his attributes, good and bad, and never gave you a fair chance. You and your cousin were both harmed by my propensity to rely on first impressions. Mr Darcy and I have put it behind us, so I imagine we should do the same. It was dishonest and unfair.”
The colonel looked chagrined. “You apologise twice as much for a tenth the offence. May we begin anew?”
Elizabeth smiled and dipped a curtsey. “Good sir, I am Miss Elizabeth Bennet. It is my pleasure to meet you.”
He bowed. “Colonel Fitzwilliam, at your service, madam. It is indeed a pleasure.”
Elizabeth started to wave Georgiana over, but the colonel held up his hand.
“In all seriousness, I owe you my thanks. It is sometimes helpful to glance in the mirror. As you may have surmised, neither Darcy nor I liked what we saw.”
“Few do, but I would beg you to remember a mirror is just a tool. It has flaws and inaccuracies of its own. If you learnt something useful, I am satisfied, but I would caution you not to read more into it than the reflection warrants.”
“I probably should not tell you this, but Darcy predicted you would say as much.”
“He is cleverer than he looks.”
“Indeed! Just one more thing. I should like to perform a service for you. I understand you resist the idea, thinking it amends or the like. Without reading too much into it, though, I should like to do you a favour to repay the kindness you showed me, both in Hunsford and here. You spared no effort to make both occasions as painless as possible.”
“You owe me nothing.”
“Darcy said you might be stubborn.”
“I see. And what did this great prognosticator of yours suggest would work?”
“He said my best tools were politeness and humility.”
There seemed to be a congenital malady among the gentlemen of her acquaintance that caused them all to abandon the habits of a lifetime every Easter. Still, she owed it to the man to think about it.
After a minute, she said, “Very well. You may do me a small service, if you feel so inclined.”
“It would be my pleasure.”
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. “You do not even know what I will ask.”
He chuckled. “I have been stabbed once and shot twice. I doubt very much you will ask of me any service truly disagreeable.”
“On your head be it, sir. My sister Jane will be married in a few months. By then, your cousin Anne will have been with my family in Meryton for some time. If you attend, will have two tasks for you. Does this sound agreeable?”
“It will be my pleasure. And the tasks?”
“The first is to be amiable to Anne. I have no idea how she will feel by then, but I believe a familiar face might be welcome.”
“Easily done. Anne is the least offensive Fitzwilliam in several generations.”
“I believe that, though I warn you, she is a colt leaving the stable for the first time. There is no telling how she will react. She may well be married before then.”
“And the second?”
“Wear your uniform. I will introduce you to my younger sisters, which, I assure you, will be a trial. Your job is to convince them how utterly stupid it would be for a gentlewoman to marry an officer below the rank of colonel.”
“Below general, more like. No sensible woman would. “
“My point exactly.”
“If you have no objection, I shall introduce them to a few officers’ wives and let them see how they live. Hearing is one thing, but seeing is believing.”
“Thank you. That will be most helpful.”
The second bell rang for the curtain, and the colonel bowed. “Consider it done. It will be my pleasure.”
“With some pleasures, a little goes a long way.”
She waved Georgiana back to their seats, and everyone sat for the next act.
Though Elizabeth was dying to know what Miss Darcy wanted to say, she judged this neither the time nor the place. When the play commenced, she deliberately returned the discussion to the performance.
Tea would certainly be interesting.