Chapter 3
THREE
LUCAS
“You want me to do what? ” I nearly shouted in the parking lot of Toys N’ Barracks as I stared at my best friend and mission leader. My tan complexion looked stark compared to his own pale features as we stood on the festive decorated walkway that was illuminated by fairy lights, faux pine needles, and the reflection of snow.
“I know, I know. I’ve never brought this up to you before. It’s a big ask. But, dude…think about how much this could mean to us. We already consider you family, too.”
I slowly blinked, appalled. “It’s more than a big ask, you fucking dipshit. You’re asking me to fuck—no, impregnate—the girl of your dreams? Have you lost your absolute mind?” My face scrunched up as my breath clouded in front of me. The incredulous feelings I had carried exactly how I wanted them to throughout my tone.
If we weren’t drug tested regularly, I would have assumed this man had smoked more than a joint. Probably crack.
He stepped towards me, though it did nothing to intimidate me as we stood at nearly the same height level. His voice was rough as he spoke next—it nearly sounded just like his commanding attention tone which infuriated me to no end. “Would you lower your fucking voice? There are actual kids just inside of this door,” he seethed, pointing to the door. “And the love of my life, who I’d love to surprise, and not have her breaking up a fistfight.”
I scoffed, shaking my head and tilting it up towards the archway. The toy donation event, held in a local university gymnasium, reverberated with the laughter and screams of children, drowning out any outraged shock in my voice. “Don’t worry, Daddy . No one can hear anything over the amount of noise in that damn room. I think you’ll be just fine.”
“Oh, don’t be a dick.”
“I’m being a dick? You did not just say that. You’re the one who just came up to me, asking me, what?” I asked, lifting my arms up in a giant shrug. “Enter a polyamorous relationship with you and the woman you’ve talked about marrying? Is that even what you want, or are you just asking for my sperm? Does she even know this is on your mind?”
His head turned down, though his eyes stayed locked on mine as he analyzed me and my reaction, moving his hands to his hips. He stayed silent. I continued, shocked at my core. “You motherfucker. You haven’t even brought this up to her?”
He sighed, trying to find the words to explain whatever the fuck was going on. “We’ve talked about it, yes. I just don’t think she thought I was being serious. In either options—sex or otherwise. And…I don’t think she thought it was going to be someone we loved, either. If she even agreed to it.”
“Hold on and back up. You’ve talked about what, exactly ?”
“Needing to use someone else to try for children. You know I’m infertile, man. You were next to me the day I got the call. We had the tests done.”
“No shit. We got plastered that night. I meant—what exactly did you talk about with Aspen?”
He sighed. “Probably going to a donor clinic.”
“So, I’m a donor clinic now? What the fuck ?”
“No!” he nearly shouted, then glanced at the door to make sure no one was coming to investigate the loud sound. “We talked about infertility, yeah. But we’ve also talked about, ya know…inviting someone in for sex before, too. While…I watched.”
I cocked my head to the side and I could have sworn one of my eyes was beginning to twitch. I was freezing in the Michigan weather, but the confusion and outrage muddled any sense of feeling I truly had. “Uh-huh. What? So, you’re gonna knock two birds out with one stone? And tell me this—what happens if it works? If she gets pregnant? Do I just…never come around again? Never see my own child?”
“Of course not!” he scoffed, exasperated, throwing his hands up. I watched, confused and torn as he lowered them slowly and covered his face with his palms before rubbing his temples tiredly. “I wouldn’t ask you to just ‘be a donor clinic’, Luc. We just want more. And you’re the only man I trust.”
His words hit my heart forcefully. Paired with the tired look on his face, I truly did feel like the Grinch.
Appearing mean, but with a heart growing soft at the mention of being loved and trusted.
We both fell silent for a few moments, attempting to regain our composure to the best of our ability, as we stared out at the parking lot. Ice was beginning to form in the window panes around us, frosty and far too menacing compared to the gentleness of the snow. The topic at hand was a topic that could certainly get heated if we let ourselves, but he did have a point earlier. I was grateful for the time to think, rather than speak.
It was Christmas Eve. Children were around and we were dressed like we were in a Hallmark movie. Even in my dress uniform—it certainly wasn’t a winning scenario.
My voice felt scratchy as I broke the silence after a few minutes had passed. If he was being vulnerable with me, I supposed I could offer the same to him. “You both are like family to me. I don’t have a family anymore, and I don’t want to lose either one of you. Adding sex to any dynamic is the riskiest thing you could ever do.”
“I know.”
“So, why are you asking me this? I know you’re desperate, but this is a whole new level.”
His bright green, nearly illuminant colored eyes looked towards me as his blonde eyebrows furrowed, almost as if it were the stupidest question asked all night. “I told you. Because you’re the only man I would trust for anything like this. I also know Aspen would choose to love us both as one, with the baby being loved above all else, rather than face another ‘What if?’”
His words felt like a blow to my core.
He was willing to do anything for his girl.
I swallowed roughly, knowing—deep in the back of my mind—I wanted to know how that felt. To be chosen, loved, and cared for, even if it was a dumb decision.
An important question hit me. “Are you even gay? Or bisexual? What does any of this mean, Ryder? If she does want this, you know I’m not just going to walk away from either of you. I don’t work like that.” My thoughts were going a mile a minute, though I meant every word of them.
When I loved and craved, I did so fiercely. It was the entire reason I was single and drowning my despairs into work. But he was right—I already did love Aspen, and it would only grow if intimacy and children became involved.
He chuckled darkly. “You ask that as if I know what I’m doing, either. I don’t. I just know we’re longing for more. And if you can’t do it, then I would understand. But you would be the only man I could ever ask.”
I shook my head, frowning as emotion clogged my voice. I voiced everything I was feeling about the significant ask. “I can’t get Aspen pregnant and then just sign off parental rights. That goes against everything I stand for.”
“I wouldn’t want you to do that, anyway. I want you in the picture, for everything, should this even work out. You would be a part of us from the second you touched her.”
“And what about her? Does she get a say in this?”
“Oh, she’s the one who will be making the last call for anything and everything. Are you kidding? That girl is my life. The only reason I haven’t married her is because I know we were waiting for a baby, and then it kinda spiraled from there. I would never disrespect her like that.”
“And if I don’t even want to be a father? Have you even asked me about that?”
At that thought, he smiled. I squinted at him, deeply confused. I thought my interrogation of him was more than valid, and this reaction came all the way from left field. “Do you remember when you were first assigned to my team? In the tents, when we didn’t even know if we would be coming home some nights? You always talked about your dad with fondness even I didn’t have with my own. And you…wished for it, one night, when we were all boozed out of our mind. Literally. On a fucking star.”
My eyebrow twitched. That didn’t sound too unlike me, even if I don’t remember it, but I was shocked that the man I had practically called my brother for half of my career remembered something like that.
And he was, technically, correct.
I did want to be a father.
The question I asked him was more of a test than anything.
“Okay—here’s another question. You could ask me to donate. And it wouldn’t be nearly as intimate as fucking her. So, why are you asking me to do it this way?”
My mouth parted at his resulting answer, and I had never been more annoyed to be a man as my dick twitched in my uniform. “Oh, my girl is a greedy one. I’m not telling you anything until she agrees—but believe me, I think she’d be happy with this idea, once she gets past the initial shock.”
“We’re getting too old for kids,” I pointed out.
His face scrunched up, offended. “Fuck you. I’m only thirty-six. You’re thirty-eight. Shut up.”
“And the military?”
I didn’t want to leave my future, potential partner alone with the pregnancy or the childcare. I didn’t want to desert them when I didn’t even know if I would be coming home at all. It was the main reason I had never truly pursued children before. So, the fundamental question was, why the fuck was I considering it then—when both of us were in the exact same field and knew how dangerous it was?
I asked him that exact question, to which he hummed. “The love of my life is staying sad all the time. We only have another year left in our contract. I had already thought about retiring. This, if tonight goes as I really hope, is exactly what I want.”
Silence blanketed around us again, falling as easily as the snow. My ears, even under their dumb reindeer headband, were beginning to start burning from the amount of time we had stood out in the frigid weather. Even my fingertips, normally dark from my Latino heritage, had begun turning the faintest shades of red and white.
Hundreds of thoughts raced through my mind.
Was I really considering entering a dynamic with Ryder and his girlfriend?
Did I truly want to become a father? Did I have what it took?
What if Aspen thought this was crossing boundary after boundary, and would never want to see me again for even considering it?
More than that?—
Why was I excited for both the night to come and the future it could potentially hold?
And why did my dick and balls feel heavy at the thought of giving Aspen all of my babies?
With the last thought on my mind, I hung my head, even as my heart began beating out of my chest. “Okay.”
Ryder’s head snapped towards me, surprise and excitement dancing in his tone. “Okay?”
“Okay. But if this doesn’t work out…”
“I’ll take care of it.”
I nodded. “Okay. Uhm, what the fuck do we do now?”
Conveniently enough, as we both turned towards the door to resume our posts and figure out the shit-storm of the rest of the night, Aspen fluttered by the window—cocktail in hand, giggling loudly as Natalie dragged her towards the bouncy castle area.
I cursed. I’d need someone to take over my post so she didn’t see me just yet.
“Someone better get this fucking girl to sit on my lap so I can surprise her. Then I’m going to wing the fuck out of it.”
“That sounds dangerous, Sergeant.”
“Definitely.”
I chuckled, nodding my head before one last question struck me. “Hey, Ryder?”
“Yeah, man?”
“You’re not like…wanting me to fuck you tonight, too, right? Do you even like that stuff?”
“Oh, shut the fuck up. Get back to work. You’re fucking the love of my life, not me,” he muttered, opening the door for me. “Tonight, anyway. I’ve seen your dick in the showers, though. I’d need to prepare for that shit.”
I completely and utterly ignored how my dick twitched, yet again, at his response.