Chapter 8 #2
And you might flip over and show me your hard shell. Or you might retreat and I’ll lose whatever ground we’ve made up today. “It’s nothing bad, I assure you. I would love to introduce you to Jai and Demetrius—the two men you saw me with. I might as well tell you that Jai’s my boss at Pride Camp.”
A laugh burst forth from him. “Okay, that must be all kinds of awkward.”
“You’d think.” On impulse, I pulled his hand between mine. “That first night? I nearly walked back out the door. Especially when it became clear everyone thought I was a pup.”
“I’d be guilty of that too.”
“Right? But age doesn’t determine our desires. Our kinks. We have the right to feel good—as long as what we’re doing doesn’t hurt others.”
“I would never—”
“I know.” I cut him off. “Well, I trust that you wouldn’t. You’re just… I want to say I’m worried about you because you’re vulnerable. You’ve admitted you’re new to this.”
“While you have experience.”
While trying to replay my exact words, I also tried to calculate moving forward what would be the gentlest way to explain.
“I have some experience, yes. Mostly with pickup play. I’ve never had a full-time pup.
And you might wonder how I know I want that.
I just…I know I do. There’s a nurturer within me.
Maybe that would be satisfied with a partner.
A guy who leans on me and I lean on him and we always have an egalitarian relationship. ”
“But you don’t think so.”
“No, I don’t.” I traced my thumb over his knuckles. “I considered littles, but that’s not my kink.”
“Me either. Just putting that out there.” He offered a shy smile.
“Right? But then I looked into puppy play and it hit a chord with me. Of course, I went down a rabbit hole of investigations and readings. I made it my mission to understand all the different perspectives—to see what each person involved might get out of the relationship. You came at this from fiction. I came at this with a more clinical approach. I don’t think either is wrong—especially because we both wound up in the same place. ”
He turned his hand so our palms touched and our fingers interlaced.
“So, what does that mean? Are you just looking for a Daddy/pup relationship? Is that enough for you? And do you want a 24/7 relationship, or would there be times when you’d want your pup to be self-sufficient?
Come to that, are you looking for more? Would you want sex?
Affection? A supportive relationship? Or just someone to play with and go home? ”
I took a deep breath.
Lorcan frowned. “Sorry, that was too many questions. I just sort of rambled. I’m nervous. I shouldn’t be, because you’ve been so kind. And I’ve had fun. I mean I enjoyed myself Thursday night, and today’s been enjoyable, even if I’ve mostly whined about my ex. But—”
“But?” I prompted him.
“I don’t know. I sort of ran out of things to say.”
“Okay.” I offered what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “Those are all valid questions and absolutely ones you have the right to ask.” Again, I squeezed our joined hands. “May I try to answer them?”
He nodded furiously.
“Well…” How do I say this and not frighten him? “I’m open to some, or all, of that. I think that’s why we’re having this discussion—to negotiate.”
He scratched his chin with the hand not gripping mine.
“Why don’t we start with the most radical?”
“Okay.” Some trepidation.
“I’d say that I’m not looking for a 24/7 pup.
At least not at first. To be brutally honest, I don’t know that I could cover all the living expenses for two people.
At least that’s how I would envision that kind of relationship—with one person entirely dependent on the other. Wielding that kind of power scares me.”
He let out a sigh.
If I didn’t miss my mark, a relieved sigh.
“Yeah, okay.” He closed one eye. “I don’t think so either.
I was truly wrapped up in all things Stephen.
And our business. Without them, I didn’t know who I was.
My entire identity had been dictated by things around me and aside from reading romances, I didn’t do anything by myself. ”
“You need space.”
He nodded.
“That’s perfectly reasonable. I suspect I’ll be the same. Sometimes I can talk about a rough day and sometimes I just need to process it on my own. Not that I would expect you to listen to me work out stuff—I have coworkers for that.”
“I—” He stopped.
“You…?”
He bit his lower lip. “I’d like to think I’m a good listener. That you can share things with me. I’ll never tell anyone. I mean, not that I have anyone I could tell.” His laughter bordered on self-deprecating.
I squeezed his hand. “I think, given time—and your willingness to put yourself out there—that you might eventually make friends.”
“You’re more optimistic than I am.”
“Sure. I’ve been called an optimist by more than one person.
I think you have to be if you want to be a good counselor.
Or, rather, that it makes me more able to find the bright side of things.
To find the good in people.” Even as I said the words, though, I had to push my former patient, Selene, from my mind.
Lorcan continued to hold my gaze. “What are you thinking?”
A little startled, I offered a smile. He didn’t know what I was thinking. I was just letting my mind wander. “About you.”
“Oh.” His brow knit.
This time, I pressed my thumb to his frown line. “All good, I promise.”
“Okay. I’m going to say I find that hard to believe—but I’m willing to try.”
“That’s all I can ask.” I nodded. “As for the rest. I know I’d like a puppy. I’m also open to a romantic relationship—sexual or not isn’t as much of a consideration.”
“Really? Seems like an important point to me.” He held my gaze.
“That’s fair. I’m settled now in my professional life and yes, I’m young.
But I want to share my life with someone special.
I’m gay, so my choice would be someone male identifying.
Romance is, to me, an important part of any relationship.
And I’m the first one to admit I’m clueless when it comes to stuff like that.
I can read plenty, and I have a good imagination, but I’ve never bought a gift for a romantic partner.
Never had to take someone else’s feelings into consideration when making major life decisions. ”
“Wow.” His eyes widened. “That’s…”
“Very different from your life experience.” I nodded. “I get that. I think there’s a lot you can teach me. Needless to say, I’m open to new experiences. In return, I can offer stability, caring, and—if needed—a firm hand.”
“Puppies need discipline?”
“Something like that. But within the boundaries we create. We’d have to negotiate what you are and aren’t comfortable with. How we’ll communicate through challenges. Whether our relationship will be entirely defined by the Daddy/pup dynamic, or if you’re open to more.”
He licked his lips. “More?”
“Well, the romantic partner thing. I suppose fuck buddies could also be on the table. I’ll admit, that would likely be harder for me. I want an emotional connection. If I just want to get off, my hand works just fine.”
He laughed. “Okay. I love your honesty.”
He rolled his head in some weird way I didn’t understand.
“Since we’re laying things on the line, I might as well fess up. I haven’t done anything—and I mean anything—since my ex took off. If I said my sex drive was less than zero, that wouldn’t be an exaggeration. Except—” His cheeks turned a little pink beneath his beard.
I waited.
“Okay, like I got a little hard in the club. When I thought about you and doing, you know, stuff.”
“Sex stuff? Puppy stuff?”
He closed his eyes. “All that…stuff. Just being around you makes me more aware of myself than I’ve been in years. I want to be good for you. I just don’t know if I can.”
I considered. “In what way?”
“I’m fifty-three years old. I don’t exactly react like a teenager anymore.”
“Well, in fairness, I never really was a teenager—sexually speaking. I repressed myself until university and then only had dalliances. My focus was on school—not on getting laid. In these last few years, my focus has been entirely on establishing my clinical practice.”
“Do you feel…like you’ve somehow, I don’t know, made it?”
His question stopped me short. “Oh.” I considered.
“If you mean have I met all my goals in life, then the answer’s complicated.
I work at an amazing therapy ranch where I get to help people every single day.
I’ll say it’s even more challenging than I imagined—but it’s also more rewarding.
” I passed my thumb over his. “I got to help launch the inaugural Pride Camp in Mission City. I got to help young people accept who they are. We have plans next year for a week with the siblings of LGBTQ kids—because life can be super tough for them as well. But those are ongoing things. Like, I see myself doing those far into the future. Well, maybe not the camp. I’m still close enough to their ages.
Someone might eventually come along and replace me. For now, though? I’m good.
“But that’s all my professional life. My personal life is more complicated. As I’ve said…not so much experience. I understand, though, relationships take work. Who knows if I’ll even be a good partner? And compatibility is a thing. I’m quirky.”
“You’re unique.” He whispered the words. “I think that’s why I’m attracted to you.” He bit his lower lip.
“What? What are you thinking?”
“About how much I want to kiss you.”
Well. Okay, then.
You asked.