21
RORIK SAID NOTHING as he carried her back into the sleeping chamber. He eased her gently back into the bed, pulling the wool blanket to her chin. He sat down beside her.
a??You were going to escape me again,a?? he said without preamble. a??Entti with you.a??
a??No.a??
a??Dona??t lie to me. Merrik told me, and my mother did as well. Sira claimed you promised to leave, but she said no one could believe a slut and a liar like you.a??
a??No.a??
He sighed, turning away from her, clasping his hands between his knees.
She looked at his profile, its pure clean lines, the strong jaw, the curling golden hair that lay long on his neck.
He was a magnificent man, young and powerful with strength, forceful, bursting with life and good health, but it wouldna??t always be so.
He would age and his strength would lessen, but he would remain what he was, a man to admire and respect, perhaps a man to trust. Something deep and mysterious swelled deep within her, something she didna??t understand, but something she knew was there and knew she wanted to be there.
It was Rorik, her husband. But she also knew there was no hope for them, not ever.
And he was hurting. He was being gnawed apart from within and without.
But he was still her husband, at least for today, perhaps even for tomorrow.
But after that? She shook her head, silent and still.
a??I would that you not lie to me.a??
And because he was Rorik and her husband, she said clearly, a??Very well. It matters little now that you know. Aye, I promised them I would leave. I dona??t wish to die, Rorik. It is best. I wona??t return to my brothera??a??
a??Your half-brother.a??
She smiled at his vehemence. a??My half-brother. No, I will go somewhere else.a??
He looked at her now, his expression austere, his blue eyes as cold as the winter sea. He said, his voice remote, a??You will go nowhere. I dona??t want you to go. You are my wife and you belong to me. You will remain my wife until I wish it otherwise. You will do as I tell you.a??
a??And if I tell you I no longer wish you to be my husband?a??
a??It would matter not. It isna??t true in any case. I wouldna??t accept any words from you to sever our ties so do not waste your meager strength saying them.a??
She didna??t begin to understand him. a??Listen to me, Rorik, you hate me, you must. At the very least you dona??t want me here to remind you of what my brother did to your wife and your children and your people.
My presence only brings you pain and the memory of your guilt because you werena??t there to save them.
Understand, Einar wouldna??t have attacked your farmstead had you and your men been there.
He is no fool and he is smart. He is not a coward, at least I never before thought so.
Why he did what he did I dona??t know. But what he did remains and cannot be changed.
Your family has made you see that I am not the wife you should have.
They believe this strongly. They wona??t allow me to remain, Rorik.a??
He rose from the bed and began pacing the length of the small chamber.
She said again, a??I do not blame them for their hatred of me.
I do believe they should leave go of the past and allow the wounds to heal, for their unending bitterness shows on their faces and can be heard in their voices.
It is deep within them. It makes them miserable.
I dona??t wish them to destroy you with the past. It isna??t fair of them to do so.a??
He turned then, back to her, and said, his voice harsh and low, a??I wona??t lie to you. I listened to them. I was beginning to agree with them. They are my family. They love me. They loved Inga and the babes.a??
a??I know,a?? she said.
a??Then you were so ill. I truly do not know what I would have done.
Not kill you, Mirana, never that, though I cana??t expect you to believe me now.
Nay, I realized that I had been a fool, that you had helped me to ease the past away, to put it where it belongeda??in the pasta??where it would forever remain, not forgotten, nay, never forgotten, but distanced, the pain of it softened and mercifully blurred now.
But then they came and it was as if the wound were slashed open again, raw inside me, and the past was the present, here with me now, full-blown and as filled with horror as it is in my nightdreams.
a??My parents and brothers have kept it alive amongst themselves, and nurtured it and allowed it to feed on itself, and they wanted me to bow at the altar of their grief and hatred as well, aye, youa??re right about that.
And you were here, as wicked as the Christiansa?? devil, ready for their fury and their hate.
Your presence, who you are, helped their hatred grow and burst free once again.
They now had a target, not just vague images that flowed through the mind.
Your half-brother is still a man without a face to them, but now, through you, they could grasp their pain and see to its depths.
a??There was Sira. Shea??d come to wed me, with my parentsa?? blessing.
I am not a fool. I knew it, and knew also that I would never have wed her.
She is like a sister to me. How could I wed a sister?
I watched her here, watching you. I watched her change, grow twisted and jealous when she looked at you, when she realized that you were my wife and who you were.
a??I have never wanted her, Mirana, never given her any sign that I wanted to wed her.
Her feelings are deep and violent. I see that now.
I have decided that I will give her to Hafter to wed, if my parents agree.
He has many times told me he believes her beautiful beyond all women, that he would want her were it possible.
He can have her. Then he can take her from Hawkfell Island to the mainland.
He has land there and family, near to Edingthorpe.
He wona??t be here to rape Entti and Sira wona??t be here to torment you.a??
He fell silent now. Mirana had never felt so uncertain in her life; never had she felt more reluctant to accept words that would sway her.
She was too afraid to be swayed. There was too much here, far too much.
Always before in her life, everything had seemed so very clear to her, which path to take neatly marked.
Shea??d believed that therea??d been no grayness, no shimmering lies or half-truths to make her question herself or those around her.
Ah, but shea??d learned that her life had been filled with naught but lies, but shea??d ignored them, turned away from them, refused to see them.
Shea??d accepted her life at Clontarf with Einar as what life must be since her parents were dead.
She hadna??t recognized him for what he was, hadna??t recognized what she was to hima??naught but a pawn to be used to gain him more power, naught but a plaything for his amusement.
Her mouth felt very dry. She swallowed. Rorik said nothing more, just waited, patiently.
Finally, she said, a??You are an honorable man, Rorik Haraldsson.
Even so, I was very afraid. I thought you would kill me yesterday in the bathing hut.a??
a??I know. I am sorry for it. My minda??I was maddened. I realized I could be as crazed as a berserker, but I wouldna??t have killed you, Mirana, never would I have killed you.
a??I had forgotten the passion of my brother, Merrik.
His loyalty runs as deep as do his hatreds.
He is a formidable enemy and a friend to value and hold close.
I fear my parents kept his hatred festering, and because of his youth, it was easily done.a?? He stopped then and paced the small chamber.
He waited silently, patiently, as he had before.
She sifted through his words, afraid to find other meanings in them, meanings that would bring clearness, even hope.
There was naught but a bitter truth, a truth that would always remain a truth no matter what she wanted or thought or wanted to believe.
She had to face up to it, make him face up to it as well.
By Thor, it hurt to say it, but she did, her voice low and clear, a??I am relieved that you have no wish to kill me.
But Rorik, your honor shouldna??t dictate the woman you should have as your wife.
Or your pity. Or guilt. And I know you felt both guilt and pity for me once you learned what Einar had planned to do with me.
And that is why you wed me. To protect me, to save me from that wretched old king.
a??You have taken care of me whilst I was ill and I thank you for it.
You went beyond what one would expect of you.
But it is your family to whom you owe your loyalty, not me.
I am a stranger here, an outsider, and they are right, Rorik, I am of Einara??s blood.
You could never be certain that I was free of all taint.
You could never trust me as you do Merrik or your parents.a??
He walked to the bed and stared down at her.
Her hair was lank and dull. His mother had fashioned it in a loose braid that fell over her shoulder.
She had said naught as shea??d treated Mirana as matter-of-factly as she would have one of her own.
She was strong, his mother was, sometimes too strong, too forceful, but in this instance he didna??t understand her.
He looked at Mirana, at the tendrils of black hair curled about her pale face.
Her green eyes, so mysterious usually, were as dull as her hair and that bothered him though he knew now that she would regain her strength and her health.