23. Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lisette
“W hat are you smiling at?” I snatch Sire’s phone, but I only get to read two words of a sexy text attached to a very pretty picture of his girlfriend before he grabs his phone back.
“Ugh, I love her.” I shake my head at him. “You’re lucky I’m straight or I would’ve taken her.”
He lets out a scoff as he leans on his elbows. “You couldn’t handle her attitude if I gave you a play-by-play script.” He looks up at the sky as I lay my head on his chest.
We watch the dark sky in silence before I voice the reason I came out here with him. “I had a glass of wine a few weeks ago.”
He tries to sit up, but I push him back down as I keep my eyes on the night sky.
“It wasn’t one glass… it was a bottle of wine I drank throughout that week because I had just found out Harmony’s mom was sober nearly her entire childhood.” I shake my head when that feeling settles in my chest again.
“I’m a month sober today.” I lift the coin I got in this morning’s meeting. I focus on it before sitting up and throwing it across the field with every ounce of strength in me.
I pull my knees to my chest as I bury my face in my arms.
“Go get your chip, Lis.” He shoves my arm gently.
“I don’t want it.” I shake my head at myself. “I woke up feeling like absolute shit and being one month sober means nothing. It doesn’t matter when I wake up chasing a high I can’t fucking have.”
I swallow the lump in my throat as I look up at the sky.
“Harmony got a different version of her, but this”—he shoves me again and I look down at my phone—“This is our mom.”
I nod in agreement as I focus on a picture I have tucked in my phone case of us with Kat. We’re about nine, but she carries me on her hip like I weigh nothing as Sire climbs her back.
“This is who raised us. She’s the woman who taught us that love was safe. Our surrogates brought us into this world so Kat could find us. Don’t give them an ounce of credit more. They’re not worth feeling like shit over.”
I wipe my tears as I face forward again. “I want to get high every time I think about her.”
“Yeah.” He sits up as he pulls in a deep breath. “I used to feel like that too.”
I turn to him now. “Used to? What changed?” I asked, desperate for a cure for this pain in my chest.
“It was something Vidia said,” he starts. “She said I was dealt a shitty hand, but I still came out on top in spades. I started remembering that whenever I thought about her, and eventually, the feeling went away because in the end, she put me through hell but I won.”
I look forward again before hugging my knees. “This doesn’t feel like a win.” I rest my chin on my arm before Sire leans his head against me.
“It will soon.”
I try to believe him. Believing him is all I have, so I force myself to believe that eventually I won’t feel like this.
“I’m so tired of these highs and lows.” I bury my face in my arms, feeling physically exhausted. “I can’t have more than two weeks of happiness before it’s taken away.”
“Focus on the things that make you happy and when you feel like this you can turn to them.”
I know he’s trying to help and it’s good advice, but I feel so hopeless that nothing sounds worth it.
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I whisper, afraid of my own words.
His entire face drops and I shut my eyes, not having it in me to face him.
“Please don’t look at me like that.”
“You can’t even see me,” he mumbles.
My eyes meet his now. “Like that… like I’m selfish for wanting to give up.” I look between his eyes carefully. “I’m trying. I swear I am, but on days like this, I don’t want to try. I don’t think I have much fight left in me.”
He shakes his head, and I can see it in his eyes that my words physically hurt him. “You’re not selfish. I’m selfish for wanting you to stay when you’re suffering, but I need you, Lis.”
I squeeze my eyes shut so my tears don’t fall again. “I don’t want to…” Sniffling quietly, I lift my head. “I need you to promise me you’ll be okay without me. Don’t relapse like an idiot.”
“What?” He pulls away, his eyes scanning my face frantically. “I won’t be okay.”
“Sire—”
“Lisette, please, okay? I swear it’s going to get better. I don’t know when, but I’m not promising shit. I can’t let you kill yourself; I won’t make it.” His voice breaks, and I bite my tongue to conceal my cry.
We sit in silence for a few minutes before I start plucking the grass mindlessly.
“Remember how you told me to walk around with that bottle of vodka?”
“Don’t beat yourself up for drinking it, Lis.” His voice is vacant of all emotion. “It helped when it was supposed to. That exercise works better for me, but now you know your limits. You can blame that one on me if you want.”
“I’m in control of my sobriety.” Digging my hand in my pocket, I take out the bottle of pills. “That exercise was actually helping, but this doesn’t feel the same.”
I feel Sire go still as he watches our kryptonite. We don’t say anything for a while. We simply stare at the pills of oxycodone I’ve been carrying all day, not a single word being spoken.
I feel like it’s burning a hole through my palm, but I’m too scared of what will happen if I move, so I don’t.
“What are you thinking about?” he whispers.
I chew on my lip nervously, trying to think of what he wants to hear.
“The truth.” He gently shoves my arm.
“I want one.” I keep my eyes on the bottle, the despair eating at me.
Beside me, Sire is so still; I’m sure he’s holding his breath. “So what are you going to do?”
I recognize the sponsor talk from a mile away, but it’s not what I want to hear right now. I’m sure it’s what I need, but I want the bad influence. I want someone to indulge me. Someone I can blame all of my faults on, so I can hate them rather than myself.
“We both know what choice you need to make, Lis. Walk over to that trash can and throw them away. Right now .”
I rise to my feet at the urgency in his voice, dragging myself to the trash. Snapping the cap off, the soft light from the lamppost above me illuminates the five pills. I close my eyes as I imagine myself picking one up and placing it on my tongue.
The rush of adrenaline I’ll feel as my mouth salivates just before I swallow it. I’ll lay right here on the grass as I wait for the high to come and numb me. I’ll let it drift me where it pleases. The warm sun will wake me and I’ll still feel good. I won’t wake up the way I did this morning.
When the high wears off and the guilt begins to eat at me, I’ll swallow the rest of them and go out as peacefully as I know. It’ll be painless. Easy even, and I won’t feel the way I do now. I’ll be free.
Opening my eyes, I look back down at the pills and wait for the guilt to come. That voice telling me why this is bad, but it doesn’t and it scares me, so bad I drop the pills.
Taking a step back, my eyes land on one that landed on the ground. I stare at it for a beat, willing myself to step on it, to pick it up and put it in the trash, or simply walk the hell away, but I can’t.
Leaning over, I pluck it off the ground and pretend to throw it away before burying my hands in my pocket and squeezing it in my palm.
Sire keeps his eyes on me as I make my way back to him, a smile on his face. “You’re stronger than you think.”
No, I’m really not.
I settle in the grass beside him, but when he looks up in a hurry I turn to him. He’s still looking up at the sky, and when I glance up, my eyes land on an airplane. A smile grows on my face as I turn to him.
“I call it,” I voice before he can but by the smile on his face, I know he let me have it.
When we learned about shooting stars and making wishes on them, we would fight for every star we thought we saw in the sky. Being that the city had so much light pollution, we couldn’t see shit, but our mom told us we could pretend airplanes were shooting stars. Every single plane we saw at night, one of us would call it before making a wish.
It probably sounds silly, but when he wished on a plane to be adopted and then got his wish, we never stopped believing in it.
I close my eyes as I tilt my head up to the plane. I wish for a reason to fight.
I keep my eyes shut as the plane gets quieter with distance.
When my phone vibrates, I slightly jump out of my thoughts. Pulling it out of my pocket, my eyes land on a text from Jackson. I stifle a laugh at the picture of Isabelle. Her shirt is tied with something, making it look like a crop top; her hair in a loose knot on the top of her head. She makes a kissy face in the mirror and behind her, Jackson rolls his eyes.
Suddenly, the knot in my throat is gone as I read over his messages.
JJ
She said she wants to be like you. I’ll be starting a petition for you to only wear hoodies when you’re near her. She forgets she’s five and not twenty five.
She did not say she wants to be like me.
His text bubbles disappear and after a minute, a video pops up. He keeps the camera pointed at Isa who’s still admiring her reflection.
“Remind me why are you wearing that?” Jackson asks from the couch behind her.
Isabelle fixes her bun. “I’m changing my style, so we need to go shopping.” She tucks her shirt further, showing more of her belly and I can hear Jackson’s faint sigh.
“Who inspired this new style?”
She smiles brighter in the mirror as she tucks her hands in her baggy pants. “Uh, Lissy.” She voices as if it were no brainer. “She’s so cool. I want to be like her with her cool big clothes and tattoos.”
“Oh, are those drawings on your arm tattoos?” Her dad sounds worried and I stifle a laugh as I notice the maker all up her left arm.
“They’re cool, huh?” She flexes her arm and Jackson mumbles a “Jesus Christ.”
The video ends and I can’t wipe the smile from my face.
“Was that Isa?” Sire asks. “She’s so damn perfect.”
“Right?” I shake my head as I type out a response.
Stop itttt, she is SO cuteee! I’m going to buy her a few crop tops.
Lisette… please. I thought I had ten more years before this stage. Stop.
I quietly break into another laugh, the weight in my chest slowly easing.
“What are you smiling at? What else did he send?” He tries to snatch my phone but I’m quicker than he is.
Holding it to my chest, I bite back a smile. “Your friend is sending me nudes.”
He rolls his eyes before he leans on his elbow. “If he likes his dick, he better not be,” he grumbles.
As I watch him, I slowly realize he’s serious about Jackson needing to stay away from me.
“What if he and I were a thing?” I voice out of curiosity.
He lets out a scoff. “What if he and I fought for even thinking about it?”
I keep my smile in place, not giving him a reason to believe I’m being serious. I know this is just him being an older brother, but I keep my lips sealed before I can tell him just how badly I want his best friend.
Sire looks between my eyes carefully and I think he can see all of my thoughts until he looks away. “He’s a good guy, great even, but we’re best friends. It’s code; you don’t do your friend’s sister. It’s fucked up.”
I nod in return. Laying on my stomach next to him, I rest my head on my arm as I look over at him. I keep my eyes on him for a beat, mindlessly watching him as he watches the sky.
“I never tell you how much you mean to me, but you really are the most important person in my life,” I whisper, reminding myself to tell him more often.
A small smile touches his lips as he gazes down at me. “Come here.” He opens his arm to me and I let him hold me. “Everyday you wake up and fight is another day I’m proud of you. Even on the days you rot in bed, I’m still proud.”
My nose starts to burn as all of the feelings come to the surface, but I keep the tears at bay as I bury my face in his chest.
“You matter, Lis,” he whispers against my hair. “ So much.”
I nod in return, not trusting my voice.
After a beat he says, “Movie at my place tonight?”
I almost tell him I’m too tired for a movie and I’ll fall asleep on his couch; then I realize he knows that. “Yeah…” is all I say, appreciating the subtle approach he takes to keep an eye on me. I would’ve denied, but his company is more comforting than the feelings that’ll come when I’m home alone.
I don’t know how long I stay in his arms, but after a while, I feel a drop of water land on my head. I look up at Sire, but his eyes are on the sky. In an instant, it begins to pour down on us.
I break into a laugh as he shakes his head disappointedly.
“Come on.” He tries to stand, but I pull him back down.
“No, let’s wait.” I watch the sky as my hoodie gets heavy with the rain. A smile touches my lips as I feel it soak into my shirt. “You know, I read somewhere that rain in the desert is a sign of blessings that’ll come after hardship.”
I glance over at him and he gives me a bored look.
“We’re not in the fucking desert.” He pushes his wet hair off of his forehead.
I break into a laugh as he stands to his feet.
“I love how much you love all the spiritual signs from the universe. I hope you accept this as a sign that it’s going to get better, but let’s accept it from my dry car.” He starts walking away, but rather than following him to warmer shelter, I lay on my back, soaking in the comfort the cold brings.