32. Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-One
Lisette
M y brain screams at me to turn around. To run back outside and tell him he’s right. I am afraid of becoming the epitome of the woman I hate. I’m terrified I’m not strong enough to break the generational curse.
I don’t turn around, though. Instead, my feet keep me marching forward, the fear of damaging his daughter is too big to overcome.
When I walk into the kitchen, Isabelle is sitting on the island, her wet curly hair falling around her face. She changed into a princess dress I’m certain is a pajama gown and she looks so damn precious.
“What took so long?” She pushes her hair out of her face as she cracks an egg into the bowl.
I don’t answer her and instead take the hair tie from my wrist and tie her hair in a high loose bun. I kiss her cheek, purely instinctively, but I freeze as I recall what I just told her dad, and knowing I can’t have them hurts.
“What do we have so far?” I muster up a smile. I adjust the towel around my chest as I look into the mixing bowl.
“One and a half cups of flour, two eggs, and half a tablespoon of salt.”
My brows furrow as I look at her printed recipe sheet beside the bowl, the pictures making it easy for her to follow with help. “You mean tea spoon, right?”
She glances over at me before slapping a hand to her forehead. “ Shit .”
My jaw drops before I erupt with a laugh. “Do not say that,” I warn in a hushed tone. “Your dad will lose his shit. ”
She shakes her head as she pushes the bowl away gently and slouches in her seat. “It’s ruined now.” She pouts. “That was all the flour we had left.”
She looks around the kitchen filled with flour. “Can we use some of this?” She scoops up some flour from the counter, but I stop her.
“I don’t think so.” I see her eyes prickling with tears and roll my eyes at how dramatic she’s being. “We can buy more flour, Belle.” I bite back a laugh but go still at the sound of footsteps behind me.
I don’t dare turn around and instead keep my eyes on Isabelle as she turns to her dad, tears threatening to spill from her gray eyes.
“What happened?” Jackson’s tone takes on a sudden gruff protectiveness as he strides into the kitchen.
I force my eyes to stay trained on his kid as he brushes past me. In my peripheral, I notice a towel wrapped around his waist but not a trace of anything else.
“It’s ruined.” Isabelle points at the bowl, fighting back her tears.
“Penguin, we can make another batch. You don’t need to get so upset.”
She shakes her head, a single tear falling. “We don’t have any more flour. I wanted it to be perfect for Abuela.” Her voice breaks.
“We’ll get more. It’ll be perfect.” Jackson shakes his head at her when another tear falls. “Oh my goodness, are you really going to be a baby over spilled milk?” He wipes a tear from her cheek.
“I didn’t spill the milk and I’m not a baby .”
A laugh escapes me and she snaps her head to me, her disappointment traded for anger. “Stop laughing! This is all your fault.”
“Hey,” Jackson warns, his voice strong. “Watch how you speak to her. There’s no need to raise your voice. We can either go get more flour or you can sit here and cry then go to your room for the rude tone, and there’ll be no cupcakes for anyone.”
She doesn’t respond and Jackson turns to me next.
“And you, stop laughing at her. It is your fault for throwing all the damn flour.”
My eyes snap up to his and there’s no trace of playfulness in his eyes. Just pure annoyance.
He lets out a frustrated breath, his eyes on the messy counter. “Clean my kitchen, now . Both of you.” He turns before adding, “We can go get more flour when I finish getting dressed.”
He sounds mad, but I know it has nothing to do with the flour.
“I think you’re in trouble,” Isabelle mumbles as she hops down from her seat.
Yeah… I’m definitely in trouble.
Not wanting to push his buttons, I do as I’m told and clean the mess I made.
By the time Jackson comes downstairs, the kitchen is as it was before I arrived.
“Here.” He hands me a black shirt and gray basketball shorts. “I’ll throw your clothes in the washer.” He doesn’t even look at me as he walks past me to grab my wet shirt by the sink.
Before he can walk off, I call out to him. “Wait.”
He stops, his back still to me.
“I still have my shorts on.” I’m not sure why my words come out mumbled, but they do.
He pulls in a breath. “Okay, just go change in the bathroom and drop it in the washer. The laundry room is upstairs. Last door down the hall, after the first left turn.” He walks off before I can respond and I can’t find the courage to ask for clearer directions.
I slip into the bathroom and shrug my wet pants off. My underwear falls next and I pat myself dry before slipping on Jackson’s shirt. His scent quickly wraps around me and I find myself pulling in another deep breath.
His shirt falls somewhere between my thighs. The pants are a much bigger fit, but after pulling the drawstring and folding them, I make do.
Heading upstairs, I try to search my brain for where the laundry room was when Isabelle first gave me a tour, but I’m drawing a blank and the house is too big to even remotely remember.
I know he said something last door, but the last door I open at the top of the steps is what looks like another office. Closing the door, I make a right turn and walk to the end of the hall.
Opening that door next, I go still at the sight of Jackson’s back. He’s slipping a hoodie on and doesn’t even flinch at the sound of the door opening.
“What’s up, princess?” He turns and falters when he realizes I’m not Isabelle. “Yes?” he asks after I stare at him like an idiot.
“My bad, I can’t find the laundry room.”
“Last door to the left .” He nods behind me. “Just follow this hall, the door is open.”
I don’t move as I try to decipher his tone. “Are you actually mad? Because I’ll buy the flour and say sorry for laughing at her.”
“I’m not mad.” His clipped tone says otherwise.
“So what’s with the attitude?”
“You’re the only one who sounds like they have an attitude,” he counters. ”Watch it,” he warns now, voice low.
“Don’t tell me to watch it , Jackson. I’m not your kid.”
“You’re right. Neither of us are kids, so how about you lose the attitude and just say what your problem is?”
“I don’t have a problem. I’m trying to figure out what your problem is. You’re barely looking at me and clearly upset, so how about you say what your problem is?”
“ I don’t have a problem.” He rolls his eyes. Like a girl .
“Do you want a tampon to go with that sass? Or are you a pad guy?”
His eyes narrow at me before he lets out a frustrated breath.
“See.” I point at him. “Right there. The heavy breathing and eye-rolling. You’re mad at me. Just say it and stop making it seem like nothing. I hate that.”
“I’m not mad at you, Lisette. I’m mad at myself for letting you walk away,” he nearly shouts, and I’m stuck in place.
He lets out another breath as he runs his hand through his damp hair. “You know what? No. I am mad at you for thinking this won’t work.”
I let out a scoff. “Right, because this is a prime example of a happy couple.”
“People fight, Lisette. If you tried harder to communicate, maybe we wouldn’t.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Now I’m bad at communicating.”
“You are,” he shoots back.
Shaking my head, I point at him angrily. “ You’re the one who said we don’t need to figure this out right now. Why are you so pissy? As if I need to make up my mind right this second. I can’t give you that. Not right now.”
“I didn’t say this needed to happen right now . I know you have a lot going on, but don’t stand here and say you don’t see this working.”
“I don’t,” I counter. “Why can’t I feel that way and come back to it later?”
“Because I love you, Lisette!”
I go still and his eyes widen at his own words before he runs a hand down his face.
He shakes his head before his eyes meet mine. “I felt like I couldn’t breathe when we raced to your house last week. In the back of my head I kept thinking about what I was going to tell Isabelle and how I’m going to lose sleep thinking about what we could’ve been had I not let you go to Paris upset. I want you, Lisette. All of you and this doesn’t have to happen right this second, but it hurts hearing you don’t see what I see when I know you do. You’re just scared and won’t tell me what it is that’s scaring you and I can’t help .”
He sounds like he’s exhausted.
I shake my head at him, that fear from before growing again. “You’re not in love with me. You’ll resent me eventually.” I’m too broken, I don’t add . “I’m the epitome of messy, Jackson. That’s exactly why this won’t work. Not right now at least.”
“I said I love you.” He seems to be correcting me. “If you give me a damn chance, I’d love to fall in love with you.”
I feel my heart racing in my chest as the panic of the thought attacks me. “Just forget everything after we got out of the pool. I’ll tutor your kid, cut back on calling you anything other than your name, and when she passes her next exam in a few weeks, we can go our separate ways.” I turn without another word, discarding my clothes in the washer.
I’m reaching the steps when I hear a set of footsteps catching up with me. “Wait.”
“Just drop it.”
“No.” He grabs my wrist, turning me to face him. “I don’t want to pretend this never happened. I don’t want us to go our separate ways after her exam.”
“This is a disaster waiting to happen. Why can’t you see that?” Why can’t you see how broken I am?
He shakes his head, his eyes darting between mine, but he doesn’t say anything; he just stands there.
“Why are you looking—”
His lips crash into mine and it only takes my brain one second to react as I melt into his touch. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kiss him back harsher and angrier for confusing me and making me want him.
My tongue slips into his mouth as soon as he grants me access and I let out a moan as he pulls my hips to him, his fingers digging into my side like he’s holding me for dear life.
In a sudden rush, he lifts me and I wrap my legs around him. He carries me somewhere I don’t even care about because he starts pulling my shirt off and I can’t care about anything else but his lips on me.
He settles me onto a bed, his hand slipping into my pants. I suck in a breath before he’s pulling away. “Tell me you feel nothing else will come from this,” he says breathlessly, his hand still in my pants. “Tell me you don’t want to at least try to be a family with us.”
I feel my face heat as I lay on his bed shirtless and gasping for air. I keep my eyes low as I move his hand. Rising to my feet, I pull my shirt on.
“Seriously?” He sounds broken, and I feel my face heat in embarrassment and anger.
I only shake my head, but as I try to walk past him, he steps in my way, leaning down to catch my eyes with his. “The only reason you don’t want to figure this out right now is because you’re scared and you’re stalling. You’re waiting for one of us to fuck up so you don’t have to try.”
I go still, a part of me hating how well he knows me.
He tucks a wet strand of hair behind my ear. “Just because you had a bad mom doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad mom.” His words nearly shake me to the bone. “You’re not her and you don’t need a good example of a good parent to be a great one.”
I blink my tears away, but he sees them and cups my face.
“I know you want us. I wouldn’t be begging for you if I didn’t think you did.” He rests his forehead against mine. “Just say yes.”
I open my mouth, but he plants a quick kiss on my lips.
“Please don’t walk away from me again. Just say yes,” he begs, his lips brushing mine.
This man is going to drive me to insanity, but I’ll gladly give him the directions.
At the sound of a gasp, I turn and Isabelle stares back at us. Her brows furrow, but her dad pulls away, and then her jaw drops. She seems to be going through every emotion as her face morphs from her wide eyes to her jaw-dropping.
“Were you just kissing ?”
I look over at Jackson for an answer, but he looks to me as if I was supposed to know what the hell to say.
“Are you boyfriend and girlfriend ?”
I glance over at Belle before looking at her dad who looks like a deer stuck in headlights.
“Oh my goodness.” She slaps her hand over her face before she smiles at us. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Daddy, you can just marry Lissy and she can be my mom.” She smiles so damn big at us and you couldn’t hold a gun to my head and tell me to walk away from this little girl.
I shake my head at myself as I turn to Jackson. Say something, I mouth.
A forced smile grows on his face as he turns to his kid. “Can you wait for us downstairs, please?”
“But are you getting married?”
“I don’t think so,” he answers casually.
“Mom?”
I go still as I stare at Jackson and his eyes widen as he takes a step away from me. “Um, no.” He shakes his head gently. “Let’s call her Lissy. Remember what we said about needing to be married to have a second mom?”
Her brows furrow. “But why were you kissing if you’re not getting married?”
“We weren’t kissing,” he lies. “It only looked like that, but I was telling her a secret.”
She looks confused as she looks over at me. “How about we negotiate you two getting married?”
“I need to go.” I rush out of the room and Jackson calls out to me, but I ignore him. “I’m going to get the flour.” I nearly run out of the house.
“Take my car,” he calls out, and I grab his keys by the door before slipping out.
The minute I’m in his car, I call Bay.
“Where’s the fire?” She has the nerve to laugh at my panicked expression.
“Jackson was in my pants,” I blurt as I speed very far away from his house.
A smile grows on her face as she lays on her stomach, her phone against something on her bed. “Was it good or did you call it and he sucks like the majority of the male population?”
“That’s not why I called.” I steal a glance at her to check if she’s still paying attention and she is. “His kid saw us kissing and called me the universal phrase for what children call the people who birth them.”
Her brows pull together before she bursts into a laugh.
“It’s not funny.” I hit my head on the steering wheel when I get to a stop sign.
“Aww, she was just excited about the idea.” She smiles, her freckles more prominent as if she sat in the sun all day. “What did her dad say about that?”
I let out a bitter laugh. “He told her not to call me that.” I recall what he said about not introducing his partners to her and he looked just as scared as I felt.
“That’s understandable.” She nods to herself. “So you’re dating him? What’d your brother say?”
“Who cares about my brother? That’s not the point right now. He wants me to give us a try .” I drive off again. “Like as a family .”
“Well… he has a daughter, so if you date it will be a family setting.” Bay watches me like she doesn’t see the issue.
I shake my head at everything in my head.
“Wait, when was this?”
“A minute ago.”
“And where are you going?” she asks lightly, but I don’t answer. “You’re running ?”
“I’m scared,” I shout now. “This is too much too fast and they scared me.”
“Turn your car around right now.” She keeps her voice strong, nearly threatening. “Name one bad thing about him.”
I try to think but nothing comes to mind. “He’s too perfect.”
Bay says something under her breath. “You deserve him, Lis. You deserve to be happy and you love his daughter. Turn around and try .”
I come to a red light and turn to her. “What if I fuck it up?”
Her eyes soften before she sucks her teeth. “Honestly? You probably will fuck it up, but,” she quickly adds when she sees my face fall. “Not because you’re an addict. You’re human . Don’t self-sabotage this. You just overdosed last week, you went out thinking you had no one, and today a great man wants to love you and raise his baby. That’s a beautiful thing.”
I feel my eyes prickling with tears as I pull over. “He said he loves me.” I bury my face in my hands.
“Okay, that would scare me too. How long have you known him?”
I lay my head against my seat. “Technically…” I take a second to think. “A little over four years, but I’ve been hanging out with him and tutoring his daughter for a little over two months.”
Bay nods in thought. “Yeah, that’s a little quick.”
“He said he loves me like how I say I love you. Not in love with me.”
Her brows furrow now. “But we don’t make out and fuck?”
I don’t answer and her smile returns.
“I’m going to let you believe what you want since you look terrified. Listen.” She brushes the L word aside. “He has no red flags. As long as you don’t self-sabotage, this is going to be okay. It’s going to be safe, ” she reassures me softly and I nod in return as my heart slows down.
“Go back and just go with the flow. One step at a time. When you get panicked, just remember you get to be happy. You’ve been through enough years of depression and heartache. Sober you is the best you and sober you will be a great mom. Either way, you’ll have him to help you learn.”
“Okay.” I tuck my hair behind my ear as I drive off again. I stay on the phone with her as I get the flour.
I’m driving back to Jackson’s house when I suddenly interrupt her rant about her roommate.
“Hey, have you heard from Erin?” I steal a glance at her and her face softens.
“You didn’t hear?” Her voice softens and I feel my heart sink. “Winter was able to get her admitted into rehab.”
I let out a breath of relief, my mind a true pessimist. “That’s good.” I nod to myself. “I was really scared for her after seeing her like that… she seemed so hopeless.” I shake my head as I remember her emotionless eyes.
“Yeah.” Bay looks off to the side.
“Did you ever find out what made her spiral?”
When Bay doesn’t answer, I look at her briefly and she’s watching me carefully. “You two weren’t that close, were you?”
I shake my head in response. “I only hung out with her a handful of times besides when we all went to meetings together.” I shrug. “We texted a bit but not about anything serious.”
Bay nods in return. “She was in a custody battle.”
My eyes widen as I glance back at her. “She has kids ?”
She nods again before mustering up a smile. “We’ll talk about her later.” She pulls her curls into a bun before grabbing her towel. “She nor your mom are examples of what you’ll become, so stop overthinking because I know that face.” She gives me a pointed look as she steps into her bathroom. “Go take control of your happiness. Call me with updates later,” she says before turning her shower on.
I pull in a breath, forcing myself to shake my thoughts of Erin for now.
When I knock on Jackson’s door again, he looks surprised as he opens the door.
“Yes.” I get it out before I can back out. “I’ll try. Yes .”
A smile so damn big grows on his face. He glances over his shoulder before planting a gentle kiss on my forehead. “We can’t tell her about this.”
I nod in agreement.
“I was incredibly reckless earlier.” He shakes his head at himself. “You make me reckless and as much as I want to lose my mind with you, that can’t happen again. I don’t want her to get her hopes up. I want you apart of our family, but you said it yourself that you don’t want to hurt her and—”
“I get it, Jackson,” I cut him off.
He nods in return before kissing my cheek and as he leads me into the house, I don’t miss the hopeful smile on his face.