51. Chapter Fifty
Chapter Fifty
Lisette
W hen Jackson opens the door for me, I’m surprised he looks so happy to see me.
“Hey,” I smile up at him before stepping inside. “Where’s my star student?” I look around for her, my excitement building. I know it’s only been two days, but I miss her.
Before I can walk off to find her, Jackson pulls my hand, dragging me back to face him. He looks between my eyes and it’s clear he wants to say something.
“I want to talk to you about something before she comes downstairs.”
He watches me carefully and I hate the fear in the pit of my stomach as I think of him ending things.
“I know I already spoke to you over the phone, but I wanted to say this part in person.”
“Okay…” I look at him, my heart rate picking up.
His shoulders sink and so does my heart. “I need to put my daughter before all else,” he starts. “You told me you were scared of hurting her and I said I wouldn’t let that happen… I meant that.”
I nod in return. “I know.”
He nods slowly. “So… I think we should limit the time you spend with her.”
I go still, forcing myself not to react, my pride refusing to show an ounce of my hurt.
“We should go back to you only coming over for our regular tutoring schedule. As for staying for dinner and stuff… we should cut back on that. When your tutoring sessions are over, that’ll conclude our day together.” He hesitates now. “I’m also not comfortable with you supervising her alone.”
I nod, forcing the lump down my throat. “That’s fair.” I rapidly blink away my tears.
He looks between my eyes. “ We can still hang out. I’m not trying to punish you here, sweetheart. I don’t want you to hate yourself for relapsing.” He takes my hand, but it’s too late for that. I’m beyond hating myself.
He goes on, trying to make me feel better with his explanation. “I wouldn’t forgive myself if I turned a blind eye on this. It was… a wake up call, and I don’t think you’re incapable of being alone with her. That’s just something we have to work towards again. At the end of the day, she’s my baby, Lissy.”
“Got it.” I step away.
He pulls me back to him. “Please say something.”
I shrug. “I can’t be mad at you, JJ. You’re just being a good dad. You don’t trust me and that’s understandable.” I force a smile before quickly wiping my tears and his face falls. “I know I’m here to tutor her, but why tell me to come over if you want to put more space between us?”
“She knows it’s tutoring day and asked for you. When you were late, she said it was because I yelled at you and I don’t want her to think I didn’t apologize to you.” His eyes scan my face. “I think I had every right to be upset, but I’m sorry for raising my voice the way I did.”
I nod in return, but when another tear falls on my face, he tilts his head to the side before wrapping his arms around my head. I swallow my cry, a few silent tears falling on my face.
He kisses the top of my head and I wrap my arms around him. When he pulls away, I keep my eyes low as I wipe my tears.
“Are we okay?” he whispers.
I pull in a deep breath before turning to him. “Do you want to put this on pause?” My voice breaks and I want the ground to cave in under me, swallowing me whole.
“No, mi reina.” He takes my hand, squeezing it gently.
A broken smile touches my lips at his name for me as I shrug in return. “So… I guess we’re good.”
He nods gently before kissing my hand four times.
“I’m going to use the bathroom.” I pull my hand away.
He looks like he feels like shit, but I don’t say anything because there’s nothing more to say.
I walk over to the bathroom and take a minute to get myself together. I splash some cold water on my face before looking at my puffy eyes in the mirror. I stare at my reflection, but my vision begins to blur again.
Pulling out my phone, I sit on the toilet seat and I FaceTime Bay.
On the first ring she answers, and her face falls when she sees me. “Do you want me to pick you up?”
I shake my head, turning the water back on to drown my cry.
“What’d he say?” She watches me carefully. “If it was out of line, I can get my cousins to kick his ass.”
I squeeze my eyes shut before shaking my head. When I feel another sob coming, I bite down on my tongue.
After a minute or so, I force the lump down my throat and get my breathing together. “He—” I hiccup. “He thinks I–I should spend less time with her.” I look up at the ceiling, biting my tongue again.
On the other end, she lets out a sigh. “He’s not enabling your behavior. That’s good.”
I nod, trying to see it that way.
“I know it hurts, Lis, but feel it. You get five minutes to feel it, and the next time you want to drink around his little girl, you’ll feel these five minutes first.”
I bury my face in my palm as I soak in the disappointment. This is my fault and it hurts more that I can’t blame this on him. I try to remind myself that he’s not punishing me. He’s putting his baby girl first and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Him being right doesn’t make it hurt any less though.
“Alright,” Bay says over my cry. “Your five minutes are up.”
I blink my tears away and stand from the toilet to rinse my face off. When I dry my face, I grab my phone and she looks back at me, a knowing look on her face.
“Get your shit together so you can be a good mom,” she voices the words I once said to her.
I nod in return, pulling in a deep breath. “Thanks.”
She smiles in return before I hang up. Stepping out of the bathroom, I hear a gasp.
“Lissy,” Isabelle calls out to me and it mends the broken pieces in me as she races her way down the steps.
I make my way to her, and when she has three steps left, she leaps off the stairs and into the air. My heart gets lodged in my throat when she lands wrong and tumbles to the ground.
“Jesus.” I hurry to her, but she stands to her feet just as fast as she falls.
“I’m okay.” She smiles up at me before her face falls. “Oh, were you crying?” Her brows furrow before clarity fills her face. “Are you feeling a little sad?” She pats my hand gently.
I let out a laugh as I kiss her head. “I’m feeling a lot sad, sweet girl,” I admit.
She pouts before opening her arms out to me. “Come here.”
I waste no time lifting her into my arms.
She cups my face before staring into my eyes. “Is someone mind being mean to you?”
I shake my head gently. “Just my own mind.”
“We should kill it with kindness.” She holds my head. “I love you very much. You’re the bestest, most beautiful mind ever!” She seems to be telling my mind and I break into a laugh when she kisses my forehead. She hugs me and I hold her tighter as I blink my tears away.
I can feel Jackson come up next to us, but I keep my eyes closed. He wraps an arm around me and kisses my head. “I love you,” he whispers into my hair. “I’m sorry.” His voice is so quiet against my hair, I almost don’t hear him.
I don’t trust my voice to be strong enough to speak up, so I only nod.
Hugging Belle tighter, I let out a contented sigh at the smell of her cherry scent and bury my face in her neck. I kiss her cheek and keep her in my arms as I walk into the kitchen. “Do you want to eat before we start working?”
I rest her on the counter and stand between her legs as she passionately tells me about her breakfast that she apparently did not enjoy. I turn to look for Jackson and he looks like he’s about to say something, but his phone starts ringing. He pulls out his phone and his brows furrow before he looks back over at us.
“This is important…” He glances down at his phone before shaking his head. Looking back at me, he meets my eyes for a long moment. “Are you sure we’re okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
I only nod, desperately trying to be okay.
He tilts his head to the side. “Promise?”
“Yes, Jackson,” I voice stronger. His phone starts ringing again and he lets out a frustrated sigh before pecking the back of my hand four times. “Let me take this, then I’ll make lunch.”
“I can cook,” I suggest.
He sends me a teasing smile. “I doubt that.” He answers the call, but my jaw drops at his jab.
“ Yes , I can.”
“Don’t burn my house down, Lisette,” he calls out before saying something into his phone and walking out.
I let out a scoff as I turn to Belle. “I can cook,” I tell her and she nods in agreement.
“You can do anything you put your mind to.”
I smile at the encouraging words of a five-year-old. “Fuck yeah, I can.”
“ Fuck yeah, you can.” She holds her hand up for a high five and I let out a defeated breath as I shake my head at myself.
“Please don’t tell Daddy I taught you that.” I give her a high five before turning to the fridge.
“Sooo,” she says from behind me.
I bite back a smile as I look through the meat Jackson must’ve seasoned earlier. “So?”
“You and Daddy…” she starts again.
I grab the container labeled ‘chicken sandwich’ before turning to her and she has an innocent smile on her face.
“What about us?” I ask casually before grabbing what I need to fry the chicken.
“He said he only wants to be your friend, but I watched a movie yesterday and they were friends first then got married, so I think maybe we can plan something like that for you.”
I turn to her, studying her small frame. “When did he say he only wants to be my friend?”
She shrugs. “Like the other days ago.”
I feel my shoulders sag as I turn back to the stove, my mind running wild.
“I just think the wedding will be really nice so maybe you and Daddy can think about it because I’ll love it if you were my mom.” Her voice grows quieter at the confession.
I turn back to her and she watches me carefully for a reaction. “Yeah?”
She nods, her smile growing.
“Are you sure?” I genuinely ask, afraid shitless that I’m going to fuck this up further. “What if you don’t like me tomorrow? Or in a week? Or in a year?” I voice my fears to the child in front of me and she laughs as if everything I’m saying is unrealistic.
“But I love you.” She shakes her head at me. “Why wouldn’t I like you? You’re the best.”
I smile at her words.
“Do you want to be my mom?”
My heart aches as I close the distance between us to kiss the top of her head. “I really do,” I admit.
Her eyes light up. “Perfect.” She wraps her arms around me. I hold her close but she quickly pulls away, humming in thought. “Maybe we can write a proposal for Daddy, then negotiate with him.”
She proceeds to tell me the plot of the movie she watched with great detail about the wedding. Stopping mid rant, she comes to join me. “I can help.” She reaches for the stove, but I catch her hand before she can turn the fire up.
“I can do it.”
I move her aside. “You can help putting the sandwiches together.”
I flip the chicken before glancing at her and she looks offended. “But that’s the easier part.”
“That’s why you’re going to do it.”
Her brows pinch together further and I bite back a smile. “Daddy lets me cook.”
“Daddy does not let you use the stove,” I correct her, knowing him too well to know that isn’t true.
She hums in response. “Well, no, but Uncle Sigh let me make pancakes and eggs.”
“On the stove?”
“Yup, he carried me and I did it all on my own.”
Now that I don’t put past my brother. “Well, pancakes are easier. The oil and the chicken are too hot. Let me do it.”
She takes a step towards the stove to inspect it. “It doesn’t look hot, the fire isn’t even up enough.” She reaches for it again, but I pull her hand away.
“Trust me, it is. The oil gets hot fast and the fire needs to stay low. Back up while I do this next one. It’s going to pop.”
I take the perfect golden chicken out before grabbing the next one.
“Trust me, I can help,” she says again and as I set the chicken into the pan, the fire bursts in front of us.
We both let out a scream as she starts to adjust all of the nobs. “Stop it!” I whack her hand away before turning the fire down and she bursts into tears.
“Are you okay?” I turn to her in a hurry and she holds her hand to her chest. “Are you burned? Let me see.” I pull her hand away to inspect it.
“What’s wrong?” Jackson hurries into the kitchen before scooping her into his arms and rushing for the sink. “Did she get burned? What happened?”
“She–she hit me,” she cries into her dad’s arms and he pulls her hand out of the water, his brows furrowed as he looks between us.
“What?”
I roll my eyes at her dramatic reaction. “She put the fire up when I told her not to and—”
“And you hit her?”
I go still when I register the fury in his voice. “I barely touched her. I just slapped her hand away from the stove. I think the fire scared her more. It grew really big and—”
“I don’t care if she burned the house down,” he bites out. “Don’t ever put your hands on my kid.”
I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out and he storms off before I can think to say anything. I’m stuck in place before my shoulders slouch.
I feel my cheeks burn in embarrassment, feeling like an idiot simply standing in his house. I turn back to the stove and take the chicken out of the oil before turning the fire off and leaving.
When I get into my car, I throw my bag in the passenger seat, frustrated with myself. Everything in my purse spills onto the ground and I look up to the roof of my car, silently collecting myself for a moment.
I feel like all I’ve been doing is messing everything up recently. I feel my mood plummeting and quickly force myself out of this rabbit hole. Letting out an exasperated breath, I lean over my console to grab my things. As I’m putting everything back in my bag, my eyes land on the small mint box on the ground.
I go still, contemplating my entire life as I stare at the small box.
Don’t, Lis.
Deep down I want to listen to that voice. I want to leave that box where I strategically placed it for a rainy day.
“It was one fight, Lisette. This isn’t a rainy day,” I remind myself.
My eyes remain glued on the mint box, and when my brain starts making a pros and cons list, I know I’m fucked.
I grab the box and lean in my seat as I rotate it in my hands a few times.
You don’t need to kill yourself over this, stop being dramatic.
I roll my eyes at my thoughts. “I’m not going to fucking overdose.” I open the cap and stare at the white pills. My heart races and I quickly place the top back on.
“I don’t need it.”
No, but you want it.
I shut my eyes, focusing on my breathing, but the box in my hand is nearly shouting at me.
You can take one and be fine.
“I’m going to want more…”
No, you have self-control. Just take one.
I open the mint box again and stare down at the pills. Slowly, I pick one up, rolling it between my fingers.
I just want a few hours without this fucking feeling.
My vision starts to blur and how emotional I’ve been recently pisses me off more. I quickly drop the pill and take off driving. I almost go to see Sire, but Sage is closer. I’m in front of her apartment complex, the pill on my lap.
I stare down at my kryptonite as I weigh my options. I should go upstairs and let her help.
You can take one then go upstairs and let her help.
I shake my head at myself and a tear lands on my cheek. A lump grows in my throat as I grab one of the pills, and I quickly swallow it before I can weigh the right choice.